Three Changes
by risokura
Summary: Two and a half years later, it wasn't supposed to fall apart like this. AxelRoxas AU. Inertia Creeps Sequel.
1. In The Flowers

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

**A/N: **Sequel to _Inertia Creeps_. If you haven't read it, go and do so.

-x-

_three changes_

_-x-_

**1; in the flowers**

_When I was nineteen years old, I tried to commit suicide. _

_The date? July 30th. _

_The time? 5:13 AM. _

_Hayner's birthday and time of birth. _

_Sora was the one that found me. _

_Cloud made the call. _

_They resuscitated me at the hospital but I fell into a coma shortly after. I woke up sometime in September, unaware of what had happened or where I was. Yet, it all came back to me. Albeit, slowly. My memories and thoughts were like the broken and scattered fragments of a shattered mirror. I had memory lapses; I couldn't remember things that I should. I felt tired and frustrated with just about everything. I wanted out._

_Then there was Ansem, my childhood therapist. He was one of the few people in my life that I always felt like I could trust. He began to work with me again. Making notes of my progress or lack thereof. I didn't talk about much in those days. I rarely talked at all. I was still getting used to the idea that I was still alive and that my plan hadn't worked. I was supposed to be dead. None of this was supposed to happening. _

_I was put under a conservatorship, as everyone saw that I was a danger to myself. And with it, _**he**, _showed up near the end of autumn. It was during the time when nearly all of the trees were nearly stripped naked, barren, and became exposed, there he was, tall and skinny, leaning against the side of the door. He was already cracking jokes before I even got to know his name. _

_Axel Ramirez._

_So, it began. Axel crash landed on Planet Roxas, cracking the surface with moronic antics and overall stupidity. In those days, I could barely tolerate him. He was stupid, loud and obnoxious and I questioned his intelligence on a daily basis. Perhaps I was difficult. But, it was understandable, right? I was angry… angry at a world that took away my only chance of salvation. I didn't want to be saved and yet at the same time, I didn't want to put my siblings … my family … through any more heartache or turmoil. … I had always been a fuck up to my father so I wasn't expecting too much compassion there from him … but the look in my mother's eyes when she saw me … _

_It was almost as if she felt she had failed me as a mother. I could see it in the eyes that mirrored my own. _…_Above everyone else, I didn't want her to hurt anymore. _

_For the first month of things, I stayed locked up in the house. I was on lock down to begin with. No going anywhere without someone's permission. I felt like a small child who was sent to their room on punishment. It was demeaning and I wasn't going to let anyone win. I'd still be the stuck up, acerbic asshole that everyone had come to know and generally abhor for the past few years._

_With time, I started having flashbacks. Something I hadn't experienced since I had experimented with all those drugs back in my mid-teens. Every night when I went to sleep, or even during times when I was just sitting around loathing Axel's presence, I'd slip into the past. Every touch, every emotion, every scream was relived day after day, night after night. It got to a point where I was afraid to go asleep because I was sick of these memories plaguing my mind at any given instance. _

_...Things only got worse after Sora decided he wanted to be irresponsible and I was shipped off to Axel's house for a week. I met Zexion and Demyx during that time in the winter. Two figures who would one day become incorporated into this new life I was building for myself. Sure, I considered Demyx to be even more of an idiot than Axel was and Zexion could be incredibly introverted and quiet when he wanted to, but …at the very least, they were there._

_In that week that I was at Axel's house, things only went from bad to worse. I know I had said before that I wasn't Sora's responsibility, but I was feeling abandoned. He had up and left me without a word and, yeah, Axel was there, but he wasn't familiar. He wasn't equated with stability or comfort in my mind … _

_I mean, not at that point in time at least._

_It made sense that my second break down would come soon enough. I landed myself right back in the hospital after barely being out for two months. In the time that I spent there, I was detached from reality. My mental state was erratic and I was unstable. So unstable Ansem felt it would be unwise for my family to visit me in my current state._

…_And then he told me I had been removed from Axel's care. I didn't care at first. I was too fucked up in the head to really care about much of anything. I don't even think they knew what they were doing with me during my second hospital trip. I know for sure I had had a psychotic break. It was a buildup of everything. All that emotion and psychological turmoil just came out…_

_Not to say that when I was in the hospital, things were any better. I was still having nightmares. They were so bad that I would spend hours banging on the door to my room and screaming at someone to let me out. Most of the time, the nightmares were of Xemnas. I always thought he was in the room and he was coming to get me and hurt me like he always would. After they sedated me a couple of times, I eventually stopped banging on the door and screaming. I'd usually just huddle up in the corner and curl up into the fetal position until a nurse came and checked on me. She would get me back into bed after trying to assure me that everything was all right._

_On February 12th, I finally went home. Axel was right there waiting for me when I came back. And on that night I had never been so relieved to see him again._

_Two days later, I turned twenty. An age I never thought I'd ever see. _

_I was still apathetic toward life when I got out of the hospital. But it wasn't the anger I once held in my heart. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of fighting myself and fighting people who genuinely cared about my well being, safety and health. It was an empty war, something that could never possibly be won. _

_And so I guess I began to change._

_Over the next couple of months I made strides in what Ansem used to tell me was a positive direction. My fights with Axel were the first of many things to subside. I was wary of his presence but I began to see that he wasn't as bad as I thought he was. If Sora liked him enough to have him look after me, then maybe there was something about him that I wasn't seeing. Or maybe I did see it and refused to acknowledge. _

_Then again, Sora's generally too nice for his own good. _

_The days rolled on, each day following the next. My father's heart attack shook up the family quite a bit … and supposedly put him down his own path of change. Axel asked me what I thought about it all, but I couldn't give him a straight answer. Not without letting him know of the past … a past I wasn't ready to let him into just yet. So I told him my surface thoughts, what would satiate him and allow me to move along without feeling like I was slipping back into my old ways. _

_With that coming May, I let aspects of my past rest while unearthing others. Hayner Mason received a long overdue visit from his best friend. My guilt over that night isn't as bad as it was two or three years ago, but it still haunts me from time to time. I also reconnected with Pence and Olette, something I had wanted to avoid ever since Hayner's death. _

_I decided that I wasn't going to run anymore._

_After that, I resolved … things somewhat with my father. Or at least, I saw him and how he was doing. I think that's the most important aspect. He wanted me to take over the family business … and to be honest I had no interest in ever doing so. I don't think any of us had. My brothers and sister, that is. We all had other plans and ideas. Sora had his Crimson Jazz, Rikku was looking to head off for the European fashion scene and Cloud … well, as far as I know, he does modeling at times ...but I have no idea what he really wants out of life. I could tell you at that point in time that it wasn't working for Ardenwell Corporations._

_So … I decided that I would work with him. Even if it was for a little bit. Just to see what it was like. What my father could be like, that is. If he was any different from the man that I had once known. It had nothing to do with pleasing him, but rather, I wanted to see if he was committed to making a difference like he said he had been._

_The rest of my days following that were mellow. Well except for going to Axel's shows and getting hit on by Marluxia every time I went to one. Or my personal favorite, having to nurse Axel's broken hand for a night or two because he wanted to fight Marluxia during one of his shows. _

_And I suppose this is where my story takes an unexpected turn. I fell in love with the idiot. Looking back on it now, I do find it kind of funny how everything went down. Don't tell Axel, though. He'd have a field day._

_I know it began as lust. I was having those stupid dreams about him and all I could think about was how I could avoid him because … well … I couldn't bear to look him in the eye every morning. And it didn't help that Axel was always smiling and making subtle suggestive jokes whenever he could. …God, he was so dumb at times. But, I used to tell myself I was even more of an idiot for falling for him. _

_It didn't help that we were growing closer with each passing day. On the day that he told me about his past, I was amazed. Axel … came from a tumultuous childhood like my own and yet … here he was in present day living his dream with a generally positive outlook on his life. And I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving again. I wouldn't stand for anything breaking the unsteady foundation I was trying to build. And when he was supposed to leave, I panicked. _

_But I managed to get the job done, didn't I? _

_I decided to mark the beginning of this transition by running off and getting a spur of the minute tattoo. Something I've never regretted since I've done it. Although, I have since taken out my eyebrow ring and the rook piercing. My earlobe is still pierced, though._

_I was okay in the month that he was gone. I did better than I thought I would. When he returned, a day before his 24th birthday, we picked up right where we had left off. … Perhaps even going a bit further than I thought we would. Being with Axel? It just felt right … like whatever was missing was finally here. _

_I look back on these last few years and I told myself when I was twenty that things would be okay as long as I didn't relapse into old ways. I was going to have to open my heart, and it scared me … a great deal, actually. But, I did it. _

_The thing of it is … when I was sick; I was never looking for a sympathy party. I never wanted people to baby me. I didn't want them to coddle me and enable my behavior. I just wanted someone to understand me. I was so afraid to let anyone in, though. I always believed something horrible would happen to them and they would disappear forever. So I actively worked to remain difficult … so I would drive people away. Because I was afraid of letting anyone in to the point where they could truly hurt me. _

_But you know, that's … just a part of being human. I understand now. There is no way to love without getting hurt. There's no way to get better without struggling with your demons. You're going to have your bad days and good days. Nothing is perfect, but you can work to make it better. Your strength will waver at times, but your will goes a long way. Let people in, let them see the most fucked up and bitter parts of you. Let them see you for who you truly are. Never hide; never feel shame for who or what you are. At least, that's what I believe. …That's what I wanted to believe. _

_These days however ... things are changing again. With everything that I've been through and have learned in the past few years, I'm still okay, but…_

…_But, now that I'm okay, what am I supposed to do when everyone around me is falling apart? Because this time, it's not me who needs to be saved anymore. _


	2. On Melancholy Hill

**2; on melancholy hill**

The thick flavored smoke drifted from my mouth and disappeared into the air as I exhaled. I held the pipe in my hand for a minute as I stared at the flickering candle on the table. The music was ambient, befitting the eclectic décor of the lounge. I felt like I could lose myself in here. It was relaxing, something that I needed after a semi-stressful week. I brought the pipe back to my mouth, inhaling the sweet smoke deeply into my lungs for as long as I could, and then blew another long stream of smoke into the air.

"It's been a long week, hm?"

I turned to look at Pence as I sunk down into my seat and rested the pipe on the edge of the table. He smiled slightly at me as he picked up his own pipe and began inhaling. I nodded in agreement as I stared up at the ceiling above me.

"You don't know the half of it."

Pence nodded his head in understanding as he rested the tip of his pipe against his lips, "Wanna talk about it?"

"Later." I replied, directing my attention from the ceiling to a belly dancer who passed by our booth. I turned back to Pence, "Is Olette coming?"

"Yeah," Pence answered as he stretched languidly into his chair, "She should be here shortly."

I watched as the belly dancer gyrated and snapped her hips in front of a group of what appeared to be tourists. They were pointing and clapping for her as she sidled up to their table.

"Why didn't the two of you come together?" I asked Pence as I kept my eyes fixated on the belly dancers hips.

He looked at me and then turned to look at the belly dancer, "I've been giving her a bit of space these days. Not to say that I'm not there for her ... she just wants to be by herself sometimes."

I looked back toward Pence, "Is she dealing with … _it_ … all right?"

Pence nodded his head without looking at me and inhaled from his pipe again. "Yeah." He said as he looked up at me and smiled, "She'll be okay."

My attention started drifting to the belly dancer from before. She had moved on to another table of people who were more engrossed in their conversation than paying her any attention.

Olette suffered a miscarriage in late October. She was almost four months if I'm right. I had come over for dinner one night and noticed her and Pence acting a bit peculiar, like something wasn't right. Olette seemed moody and teary the entire time I was there and whenever Pence would try and get her to calm down; she'd snap at him and go off somewhere. Toward the end of the night, right before I was about to head home, Pence pulled me aside and told me what happened. We haven't really talked about it much since he told me, but I'm pretty sure Olette knows Pence told me about it.

…We always refer to it as '_it'_ because while it obviously upsets Olette a great deal, it upsets Pence to some degree, too. I think they dropped the idea of getting engaged shortly after it happened, too. At any rate, I believe they're dealing with it in the best way that they can.

"What about you, Roxas?"

I turned back to look at Pence, "Wha?"

"What've you been up to, hm? I feel like every time I call you, you're always busy."

"Oh …" I picked up my pipe, held it up to my mouth and inhaled deeply. The sweet smoke filled my lungs, making me feel slightly lightheaded as I exhaled, "I've been really busy …"

"That's what I just said, silly." Pence laughed. He looked away from me and his eyes immediately lit up, "Ah. Hey! I see Olette. See, told you she wouldn't be long."

I could only see straight out of our booth being that it was swathed with heavy velvet curtains at its corners and I was seated too far back to see anything else. Pence leaned out of the booth to wave at someone and Olette came into view a few seconds later. She was dressed in a lime green peacoat—she always did tend to favor bright colors—with her hair pinned away from her face. She nodded in thanks to the hostess who had brought her over to our table.

Olette slid into the seat opposite Pence and grinned when she saw me. She stood up to meet Pence so the two could exchange a kiss over the table. When she sat back down, she scooted over my way and kissed me on the cheek and then slid back to a spot opposite Pence. Once she was situated, she took her jacket off and laid it down next to her.

"Sorry I'm so late. I was trying to get out of the house but Selphie was blowing my ear off." She fluffed her hair out some and then smiled as she turned to me, "She's meeting up with Tidus and Wakka, tonight. It's like the reunion of high school trios or something."

Pence laughed, "We're doing the same thing, though, aren't we?"

"I live with you, Pence. Roxas is a different story." She reached over for the menu by the hookah and pulled a candle closer to her so she could see in the dim light. A waitress soon came over to her and asked her if she wanted anything. Olette pointed a couple of times to the menu and they both nodded and smiled. She turned to look at me, "I didn't miss much, did I?"

"Nope. Roxas has been like a brick wall for the entire time you haven't been here." Pence grinned, pulling on his pipe and looking at me.

"Have not." I mumbled.

"Dude, you've been acting like a total zombie."

"Pence, stop teasing him." Olette admonished as she picked up the pipe lying in front of her on the table. She fitted her mouthpiece over the top and then turned to me, "Roxas, how have you been?"

I sighed, "Like I was telling Pence earlier, it's been a long week …"

"Oh?"

"Yeah." I inhaled deeply and exhaled. "Axel's grandfather passed away."

"Oh," Olette's right hand flew to her mouth and she covered it as her eyes creased in concern, "I'm so sorry to hear that. Is he okay?"

"You can say that." I murmured, "The funeral was last week. A lot of his family flew in from Portugal so that was good. You know, he had other means support besides me, Demyx and Zexion." I paused, "And of course his grandmother and brother."

"What about his mother and father?" Pence asked, cocking his head to the side in curiosity.

As much as I trusted Pence and Olette, I wasn't exactly at liberty to discuss personal matters like that with the two of them. At least, not without Axel present. I shook my head at Pence's question, "That's … a bit of a private matter."

"I see." Pence nodded his head, "Well, these things get better with time, right?"

Olette stayed silent and looked away from him when he looked to her for confirmation. I wasn't going to get into this with the two of them tonight. I understood Olette was hurting these days and Pence was doing his best to be supportive of her. But I didn't come out for the two of them to get into a silent staring contest with the other. Pence wanted me to come out so Olette would get out the house for the night, and that's why I was here.

"Yeah," I said, capturing both their attention, "They do get better with time."

"Mmm." Pence nodded in agreement with me and then turned back to Olette who was inhaling through her pipe at the moment, "How's your sister? I heard she was back in New York."

"Yeah, Rikku just came back last week..." I bit my lip, lowering my pipe into my lap, "Didn't say why, just that she needed to get away from Europe for a while. Well, England, cause that's where she was. She's currently living with her friend Paine who's got a place around 14th street. They're pretty close to Union Square. Not that far from me, actually. I've been meaning to go see her to see how she's doing but every time I try and go, she's always busy with something."

"Sounds like she's doing a lot." Olette commented, once we were on a different topic. "She's a fashion designer, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she's got this line called _Godhand_. And then she's working on something new. I think it's called _Machina Maw_." I took a sip of my mojito and turned to look at Olette and then Pence, "Well, enough about me, what about you two?"

"But you didn't really talk about yourself, Rox." Olette started, giggling. She turned away from me to accept her chocolate milkshake and hummus from one of the waitresses and then turned back to me. "You talked about your sister and Axel."

"Both of those people are important to me and they're what Pence asked me about." I replied, setting my drink down.

Olette laughed gingerly at my response and even more when she saw Pence frowning at me. "You know, Roxas, you really haven't changed."

"Hm," I replied, "Well?"

"Well," Olette began, "I haven't been doing too much, since you asked, Roxas." She smiled softly, "I've gotten into gardening and taking care of plants and flowers for a bit. It gives me something to do with my time."

"Anything else?" I asked.

"Well … not really." Olette shook her head, "I've just been taking it easy within these past couple of weeks. Trying to just figure things out, I guess. You know, taking it one day at a time. Just learning to manage things as they come my way."

"Hm …" I looked toward Pence, "Pence?"

"Well, I'm finally putting my degree to use after getting it this past June," He started, grinning at me. "I'm currently doing some work with Microsoft. Seeing where that leads me."

I nodded, as I began pulling from my pipe again, listening to the hookah bubble before me. I exhaled and sunk back into the booth again. The conversation switched over to food and then was directed back to me. We spent about another hour or two at the lounge before Olette said she was ready to go home. After we paid the bill, we hit the street, side by side. A few paparazzi were outside waiting to snap a picture of the three of us together. They followed us to the street corner before dispersing and leaving us alone to walk the rest of the way.

These days, the paparazzi really don't follow me like they used to. Even with my involvement with Axel for the past three years, I'm not really the hot topic that I used to be. I mean, at least in the moment. The last real big news that anyone reported on our family was the birth of my niece and nephew, Marlene and Denzel. Aside from that, there's also the interview I did in mid-October, but besides that, it's been a slow news year for the Ardenwells.

As we were walking to the train station, I stopped momentarily as we passed by a small bookstore on the corner of the street. Olette and Pence had gone on walking ahead of me. They both turned around when they realized I wasn't following them.

"What's up, Roxas?" Olette asked.

"Can we stop in here for a moment?" I asked, pointing at the store.

"Uhm … sure." Pence shrugged, grabbing Olette's hand and tugged her along in my direction.

The shop keeper was a middle aged Asian lady who nodded courteously to us as we came into the shop. Olette and Pence occupied themselves in a section full of cook books while I went off to the children section, already knowing what I was going to buy. I picked up a jumbo sized coloring book and walked to the front with it where Olette was standing looking at a display on the counter. Pence had migrated to another portion of the store.

"Who's that for?" Olette asked, cocking her head to the side in confusion.

"Axel." I answered, fighting the urge to smile as I placed the coloring book down on the counter and asked the woman to ring it up.

-x-

Demyx and Zexion were at the house when I got in. The minute I stepped in through the front door, Soro immediately hopped off the couch by Demyx and started running my way.

Soro's … gotten kind of fat in the past few years. Not _that _fat, but she's definitely heavier than what a dog of her diminutive stature should be. The vet told us we needed to put her on a diet and take her for more walks, which is stupid because Axel and I are always careful about what she eats and how much exercise she gets. …Then I realized that Demyx with his stupid, lazy ass was _OVERFEEDING _her.

After Axel prevented me from killing Demyx for what seemed like the millionth time—we finally got her to lose some weight. She's still a bit too heavy, but she's getting there. I told Demyx if he ever fucked with my dog's health again I'd fuck with _his_ health, kill him and make sure no one would ever find his body.

I bent down to scratch Soro affectionately around the ears as she licked my hand in return. She's gotten a bit tamer but she's still as rowdy as ever. Especially when she's with Axel. I've told him if I come home to one more broken lamp because he decided to play fetch in the house with Soro, that his body would be joining Demyx.

As soon as I eased up from Soro, I walked over to where Zexion and Demyx were both sitting in the living room.

"Roxas! You're back!" Demyx turned around, grinning at me.

"Yeah," I turned to Zexion, "Where is he?"

Zexion muted whatever movie he and Demyx were watching and turned around to look at me, "He said he was going to sleep for awhile."

"Right …" I headed down the hallway to our bedroom.

I walked into the room to find Axel buried under the sheets with the comforter pulled high over his head. I set the bag down by his backside and walked over to his side of the bed. As I expected, he'd fallen asleep with his glasses on and whatever book he had been reading had fallen to the floor. I sighed as I bent down to pick the book up. I surveyed the cover quickly before setting it down on the nightstand. It was something about guitars and musical theory or something.

Next, I reached for his glasses. Just as I was sliding them off his nose, Axel stirred gently and gazed up at me with hazy green eyes. He blinked once, before pushing himself up into a sitting position. "When'd you get back?" He asked tiredly, yawning widely as he began to wake up.

"Just now," I replied, setting his glasses down on the nightstand. "How do you feel?"

"Tired," He answered. That had become his common answer for the past few days, "How was your night out with Pence and Olette?"

"Nice," I answered, sitting down beside him on the bed. He moved over so I could have some room to sit down and take off my shoes, "We basically caught up and all. You know, I haven't seen them since I found out Olette miscarried and whatnot."

"How's she dealing with that?" Axel asked, stretching.

"She doesn't really like to talk about it. She and Pence were kind of strange about it when we were out. I guess they'll sort everything out with time." I replied. "Did you eat?"

"Zexion ordered out." He said as he yawned again.

"Hm," I turned around behind us and brought the plastic bag into view. "I got you something."

He took the bag from me, frowned and then looked back up at me, "Rox, what the hell is this?"

"What does it look like?"

He took the box of crayons out, laid them on the bed, then took out the coloring book and flipped through it. He stared at the cover and then looked up at me, "A coloring book?"

"Your observational skills are astounding. What else?"

He picked up the crayons and then put them on top of the book in his lap. "For me to color with?"

"Remind you of anything?" I asked, hoping he would catch on soon.

Axel looked blankly at the crayons and then the coloring book, and then turned to me as he scratched the side of his face, "Uhh …"

"Really, Axel? I know you still have some functioning brain cells in there despite having been a certified pothead." I sighed.

"_Oh_!" He said, his eyes lighting up, "OH! I KNOW!" He turned to me, a grin beginning to unfurl on his lips, "Aww, Rox. You're such a sentimentalist."

I sighed at him, as I leaned in to rest my head on his shoulder. A moment of silence passed between us before I looked up at him from my where I was leaning on his shoulder to look up at his face, "Really though. How do you feel?"

He looked down at me, the grin falling from his face. He leaned his head against my own and sighed gently, "Just taking it one day at a time, Rox. One day at a time."

-x-

It all started one week ago.

I would never realize how deafening his silence was until then.

Axel had assumed a responsibility that he shouldn't have had to bear alone. And yet, for some reason, he did. On the outside, he was still composed. Still… rather, the word I should really be using is _seemed_. However, he was transparent in my eyes. I could see right through him. Right through the mask into his heart. He lacked vigor ...and was almost running on empty.

It started in the morning, which I had expected well in advance. He held up okay in the few days leading up to the funeral, but I knew that morning was going to break him. I had been the same way when it came to Hayner.

I heard him in the morning; up well before the alarm I had set for the two of us. It was still dark outside, the colors of dawn having yet to filter into the sky.

Axel hadn't slept through the night at all. Most of his time he was tossing, turning or getting out of bed, only to return a little while later. When he finally got up for good, I kept still; quiet to see what it was he was going to do. He paced by our bed for a few moments, seemingly unable to calm himself down or stay at ease. He sat back down on the bed, his back to me, hunched over and tapped his bare feet against the hardwood floor. Finally, he stood back up and crossed over to my side of the bed and went to the bathroom.

I knew he needed me from the moment he shut the door, odd for the fact that he almost always leaves it cracked. The muffled sounds of his sobs were barely drowned out by the sounds of the running water.

I decided to give him a little bit of time before I would get out of bed and go after him. If there's anything I've learned about Axel is that as much as he'll talk about how he feels about something, he doesn't like to show strong emotions in front of others. Meaning, private moments are just that. Strictly private for him—and if he allows it—others.

He stayed in the bathroom for about twenty minutes or so before he left our bedroom and headed for the living room. I could barely make out the balcony door sliding open a few seconds later and then the rapid movement of strings a few minutes later. Soro's tags were also jingling … she must have been with him on the balcony while he played guitar.

I came to get him when the alarm went off.

He didn't eat that morning. He wouldn't eat even when I asked him to. He was completely lost in a daze and unresponsive to generally everything and everyone. I had to call Reno earlier than I expected to get him to come by. If I couldn't get Axel to snap to, I'd have to leave it to his family to take care of him today. He was a bit more responsive with his brother there, but still silent and looked like hell.

Even in his silence, I knew he wanted me there. He _needed _me there.

Sometimes I wondered who was more stubborn, Axel or I? Instead of opening up to me right now, he seemed to be shutting down. He was shutting out the world as if nothing going on the outside mattered to what was going on inside his head. And I knew it didn't in this moment.

…The call was unexpected. We were about to go out to dinner with Demyx and Zexion that night. Axel was taking forever because he kept yelling about his hair giving him hell and how he refused to leave the house looking how he did. I was right a few years ago when I said that he was worse than a girl.

Seeing as he had been taking so long, I called up my sister. She'd just returned to the city a couple of days ago. I'd missed one of her calls earlier that day and she was sounding a bit … well … less chipper and energetic than usual. She didn't sound too well to be honest and whenever I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she was fine and that she was just tired. She'd been putting all her time into working on some new project of hers and told me that's why she sounded so drained. I already knew there would be no way of trying to get the information out of Rikku. If there's one thing we share that's genetic, it's our stubbornness.

After I got off the phone with her, Axel finally came around. His hair _was _a mess. I asked him what he was doing to do with it and he held up an elastic band and a newsboy hat in response. It took him two seconds to pull his wild mane back, pull the hat on and check to see if I was ready to go. Right as I was about to get back up, the phone started ringing again. He told me to ignore it and to get going because we were going to be late. We would have been out the door, too, if it weren't for Reno's voice coming on the answering machine.

Two hours and a couple of phone calls later, I was following Axel into the hospital. We found Reno and Axel's grandmother, Lena, in the waiting room. While she sobbed her eyes out, Reno had one of his arms draped over her shoulders to try and offer some sort of comfort. When he saw us, Reno merely looked up at Axel without saying a word and Axel immediately looked away from him. He understood without even needing to hear the words.

His grandfather had passed away.

-x-

Before we arrived at the funeral, Axel composed himself.

While he had been dragging his feet from the moment he woke up, when we got to the church, he did a complete one hundred and eighty degree turn. Demyx and Zexion, who had been riding with us on the way to the church, got out first. Reno was currently riding with Lena and Axel's grandfather's older brother and his wife who had flown in from Portugal.

Actually, a _lot _of Axel's family had flown in from Portugal.

Axel looked at me for the first time that morning. I couldn't see what his eyes looked like because he had put on sunglasses from the moment we stepped out of the house that morning. But I could read his body language as clear as day. I reached over to squeeze his hand tightly and nodded to him so we could follow Zexion and Demyx into the church.

I felt a bit out of place from the moment we entered the church. Although the thought might be absurd, I felt like it was true. I felt like all eyes were on us from the moment we entered. And yet, I had grown accustomed to this feeling. But this situation was different. It was Axel's _family_. Not some crazy, obsessed media hog who was trying to get my picture for something.

The proceedings of the funeral were both in Portuguese and English, but mostly Portuguese. Most of the time I didn't understand what was going on, so I just relied on cues from everyone else to figure out what I needed to do.

When it came time for Axel to speak, he had taken his glasses off, but rarely did he make eye contact with the rest of the crowd. His entire speech was in Portuguese, and whatever it was that he was saying seemed to draw more of a reaction from nearly every person in the crowd than the rest of the funeral proceedings. When he was done, he resumed his position between Reno and I and became unfocused again. His immediately put his sunglasses back on.

After the funeral, various friends of his family and some of his relatives congregated outside. Those who wanted to see the body one last time lingered behind. Reno came behind where we sitting to murmur something to Zexion who nodded immediately in understanding. He instructed for me and Axel to go up to see the body first. The grip Axel had on my hand was loose, but it was there. When we reached his grandfather, his grip increased tenfold and I squeezed back in return.

The first time Axel ever mentioned his grandparents was back in the old apartment Sora and I used to share. I think it was the morning after they'd discharged him from the hospital when he fucked up his playing hand from getting into that fight with Marluxia's dumb ass. I met them for the first time during the winter of 2008 while Axel was recuperating from his vocal cyst surgery. They … were incredibly warm people.

I could now begin to see where Axel got his tenacious and overbearing personality from. We encountered his grandfather first. He was almost as tall as Axel and quickly enveloped him in a hug as he gently patted at Axel's back. His grandmother, however, was shouting in Portuguese before we even got through the door. She was a small and thin woman with long and graying auburn hair that she tied in a braid. She also had the same eerily vibrant eyes that Axel had.

She may have been little but Axel winced when she hugged him and reached up to pinch tightly at his cheeks. Next she turned him around and started speaking rapidly to him as she poked about. He tried to answer all her questions but he never got too far before she was on to the next thing. I simply stayed behind him, smiling softly at the reunion. When she spotted me, she spun Axel around and gestured wildly to me shouting at him in English.

"You bring us a guest and you do not even introduce him? Where are the manners I have instilled in you for the past 18 years, eh!?"

During the entire visit she kept insisting that I eat everything that she shoved my way. Axel had to be used to the treatment because he simply nodded to everything she said to him without a second thought. His grandfather, a bit more quiet and reserved than his wife, wasn't far from the action, though. He was really kind from the moment I met him and he was full of so many stories. I don't know where one ended and the other began.

His grandmother sent us home with nearly the entire contents of their fridge when we were getting ready to leave. She told Axel she wanted to see more meat on his bones the next time she saw him and that she would like for me to look after him where they couldn't. We ended the visit with her shouting at Axel's backside as we walked back to my Mercedes.

"And bring Roxas with you the next time you visit, you hear me? I like him! He's a very very nice boy!"

I think that was the first time I ever saw Axel blush …

...Why does that seem like so long ago?

I looked toward Axel who was currently sitting next to me as I was coming out of my memories. He was still hiding from the world behind those sunglasses. Incandescence was all but lost to those malachite eyes. As patient as I was trying to be with this whole situation—I had to be, for his sake and mine—I couldn't stand seeing him like this.

I wondered if I could bring him back or would he come around on his own? Would those eyes come back into focus again? The spark they once held, that is. Maybe they would just remain faded in the moment, I hoped this was only temporary. Maybe when all of this was over, he'd come back again. Maybe I'd be able to reach him after this. But in this moment, he was gone.

I turned to look out the window at my side. It was about to rain, I could smell it in the air. The late November sky was gray, the clouds gathering in a brooding and ominous conglomeration. It was befitting for the heavy mood that this day carried. I turned to look at him in the silence of the limo. I think he was staring out the window, I couldn't exactly tell where he was looking. His elbow was propped up against the door, with his chin fitted neatly into his palm. His left leg was crossed over his right, and his breathing was slow and even. He was stiff, so damn stiff that it was driving me insane. I really did hate seeing him like this.

"Axel?" I whispered. No response. I leaned forward, trying to gauge his facial expression. Was he sleeping?

"I think he fell asleep." Zexion stated as I leaned back in my seat. "At any rate, we shouldn't bother him. He needs it."

I nodded in agreement, folding my hands in my lap and sighed. Demyx was knocked out in the seat next to him and was currently lying against Zexion's shoulder. How Zexion wasn't perturbed by his snoring is beyond me. I've come to understand in the past few years that Demyx tends to fall asleep at anytime and anywhere. Laziness must be genetic because Sora's friend, Tidus, was the same way.

I couldn't fault him, though. It _had _been a long drive out to the cemetery.

Axel's grandfather was being buried out on Long Island somewhere close to the coast. There was something in his will about being buried near the ocean. Reno told me that their grandfather had stated that it reminded him of his home in Portugal. Not to be disrespectful, but the water in New York is nowhere as vibrant or beautiful as it is off the coasts of Portugal. There's no comparison. Yet, I can understand the thought behind it.

The limo was beginning to slow shortly and I realized we had finally made it to the cemetery. Axel stirred immediately, almost appearing as if he had never fallen asleep in the first place. Zexion took to waking Demyx up by allowing him to fall over into the seat as he got up and out of the limo. Demyx snapped to, seemingly unaware of what was going on and then groaned at having been awoken from his nap.

Once again Axel and I were the last ones out of the limo. Zexion glanced at the two of us. His eyes drifted from Axel who refused to look at him and then to me. He nodded silently and I nodded right back to him as he pressed the lock down on the door and closed it. Axel was silent with his back turned to me. I watched him for a minute, wondering what he was waiting for.

"Axel?"

No response.

"Axel. We have to get out there."

I tried again, hoping he would move at the very least. I looked down at my watch to check the time. _2:13_. Surely everyone would be arriving shortly. We had to get going. I looked out to the window and then turned around to face Axel's back again. His shoulders were heaving a bit rapidly now. He reached up to take his glasses off and his hands wouldn't stop shaking. I turned away from his hand to try and gauge his facial expression but he had yet to turn around to face me.

"I'm not going out there."

It was the first thing he had said to me all morning. His voice distant, like he was holding back from me. He began shaking his head rapidly.

"I don't want to see him. I'm not being selfish am I? I don't want to go out there and see them talking. I _know _they'll be fucking talking and crying and screaming. Don't even get me started. When all of this is over, Avó will start. I know she will. _Avô_ this. _Avô _that. I remember when _Avô_ used to do _this_. Do you remember when Avô did _that_? I don't want him to become another fucking memory. That's all anyone in life ever becomes, a _fucking _memory. Fuck, I've got enough fucking memories! I've _had_ it with fucking memories!"

I heard the break in his voice immediately and I moved forward in my seat. This is exactly what I had been waiting for. His inevitable breakdown. I rested my forehead against his backside and pressed my hand up against where I could feel his protruding spine beneath the fabric. He didn't stiffen, as if he were expecting it. "Axel, I'm here." I began, "And everyone else is, too. We're not going anywhere."

"But you will, eventually." He stated, shaking his head. The tips of his ponytail brushed against the top of my forehead, "Everyone does. That's the thing. Nothing is forever and I'm sick of living in a world where I just have to accept all of this like it's all right. How's that quote go? 'Memories are nice but that's all they are?' You have no _idea _how true that is."

"It is, but ..." I replied, turning my head so that my cheek was pressed against his back now. I could faintly hear this quickening heartbeat.

"What's your point, Rox?"

I sighed as I pulled away from him. I glanced at my watch. _2:20_. I'd give myself ten minutes to try and drill what I wanted into that thick head of his. I turned my attention back to Axel. He currently had half his face buried in his left hand and wasn't paying me any attention. I hoisted myself out of my seat and ducked down so I could cross over to his side of the limo.

"Axel." I began, sitting down in the small space on the seat between him and the door. He refused to look at me; he seemed to be lost in his thoughts again. "_Axel_."

He sighed heavily, "What?"

"You don't have to be afraid anymore." II reached for his wrists first, making sure to hold onto him so he would have no way of resisting. We all know Axel may have me beat incredibly for height, but I match him there for strength. His sunglasses fell from his hand and landed somewhere on the floor as I pushed him down onto the seat where I had been sitting previously. I stared down at him and he looked at me blankly. His face was nearly devoid of any emotion.

"… So I'm guessing your point is to try and screw me in a limo parked twenty feet away from my die hard Catholic family as they prepare to bury my grandfather? I can hear them now. _Viado._" He deadpanned, the minute his back connected with the seat. He looked up at his wrists and barely gave any struggle as he flexed his hands gently, "This is fucked up even for you, Rox."

"No, idiot. It isn't." I replied, and sank down to kiss him.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

It wasn't that he was sick of memories, he wanted those. It wasn't that he was angry at people disappearing from his life; he knew he'd always still have those who remained. It wasn't that he was sick of dealing with loss, we all experience grief. Axel was cutting himself off from emotion, plain and simple.

It was going to take some effort for him to respond and I didn't have all the time in the world to do it. I knew he was going to fight me, but I wasn't going to let him win. In the past few days, he had stayed folded within himself for too long. If he was going to deal with this, I had to bring whatever he was feeling out of him.

"Do I need to remind you that you're still alive?" I asked him, looking straight into his eyes. Our faces were mere inches apart. "Above all else, Axel, you're _still _here. You're still breathing, your heart is still beating, and your mind is still alert. You're _alive._ You can't numb yourself, it won't work."

He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off by leaning down to kiss him again. I was beginning to feel the struggle. He tried to turn his body away from me, but I kept him pinned to the seat by rolling my hips into his own. The first gasp escaped his mouth into my own. I proceeded to dip in, trying to draw out the deepest parts of him that he wanted to keep buried in this instance. When we broke, he panted gently, turning his face away from me.

"You can't cut yourself off." I whispered into his ear, running my tongue along the outer shell. I felt him shiver and fidget, "Remember when you taught me that?"

He wouldn't look at me. I knew he knew I was right.

I turned my attention to his neck, finding the exact spot I was looking for and sucked hard. His wrists shook a bit under the hold my hands had on them. He groaned again out of frustration and I didn't stop. His hips moved underneath my thighs and he sighed in irritation.

"Rox. Stop."

"No."

"We're not fucking doing this here."

"Yes we are." I whispered, moving my hips gently against his again.

"No we—"

I moved away from his neck and kissed him again. His wrists strained in my hands again and he was beginning to arch his back to try and throw me off. There was no fighting, I wasn't stopping. When I pulled away from him, he was panting again. And there it was. I saw it in his eyes. He was staring at me again, his eyes narrowed like he was about to rip me off from on top of him and kill me. It was carnal, there was rage, and he was unrestrained. That was what I wanted to see.

I lowered my face down to his, "You know I can feel your heart? The beat, the harmony, the synchronization? Yours and mine, beating in perfect tandem. When you recall memories, what do you experience? The feelings associated with them, correct? You claim you want something that exists in your reality. Then what are emotions, Axel? Are those memories, too? Are they fabricated?" I leaned down to whisper gently in his ear, "No, you know they aren't. I know you're smarter than that. You know you're smarter than that. I don't want you to cut yourself off. I don't want you doing this to yourself. I know you're hurting and I hate seeing you like this. For God sakes, Ax, just let it _out_."

Something must have clicked because his malachite eyes circled around in his head and away from me. I could see them misting over, as if he didn't want to look at me. I could honor that request at least. As long as I witnessed this in some way, I'd be satisfied. Not only for me, but for Axel, too.

_I love you._

I leaned down into the small space between the chair and Axel's neck. I pressed one leg between his own, and began rocking gently against him. Axel was quiet, but I could feel his body trembling. I hadn't relinquished my grip on his wrists so it was all he could do but finally give me control. He arched, I pressed down. He turned away, I pressed forward. His voice broke, I stayed silent. I pressed the side of my cheek up against his own, still not looking at him but feeling the wetness of his skin. The tears were coming in silent streams.

When he began to strain against me even more, I picked up my pace against him. Axel never took long to begin with, and I always knew the signs as he neared his end. He was straining and panting, nearly to the point where I could no longer hold him down. I released my hold from his wrists, popped the button to his slacks and slid my hand between his thighs to finish him off. He was a lot more vocal at that point, thrashing around and moving around way too much for me to try and keep him somewhat stationary. I know he was through when his arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders and he bit down hard on the juncture between my neck and shoulder and spilled into my hand.

And then he let it all out. All that he had been feeling but kept stifled came bubbling to the surface. I waited it out, letting him get out everything that he was experiencing in that instance. This is what I wanted him to do. This is what I wanted him to _feel_.

"I can't believe we just did that. I can't believe _you _just did that. Fuck you, Roxas. My fucking pants are _wet_." Axel's moaned, his voice muffled in the juncture of my neck. He still sounded breathy like he hadn't quite come down just yet.

"No one will notice it." I replied, fighting the urge to smile. He was starting to sound a bit like himself again.

"I _NOTICE_ IT!" He said, pulling away from my neck and staring up at me. His face was blotchy, sure signs that he'd been crying. What was worse was his eyeliner had smudged all around his reddening eyes. He sighed, looking a bit uncomfortable. "Also, can you get your hand out my pants, now? I think you got your point across already." He sighed tiredly, "Of all the times, why did you do this now?"

"Your pants are black." I responded. I obliged to his first request, as I shifted slightly above him. I reached into my back pocket to remove my handkerchief to clean my hand off. "And you needed it now, that's why."

He sighed loudly, closing his eyes, "Since when did we reverse roles?"

"We didn't." I replied, "We have no roles to play in this relationship."

"You sound like Ansem." He said, looking down at me.

"Well, he was my therapist. Yours too, might I add. Imagine if I was still in therapy, hm? How'd you think he'd react to me doing this to you right here, right now?"

Axel immediately sat up, knocking me off of him in the process, "Alright, you. That's enough out of you today." He sighed heavily, leaning his head against the window behind him. "How do I look? Be honest."

"Your eyeliner is messed up, you've got snot everywhere and you look like you've been through hell and back." I replied, moving closer to him again. "Normal for the occasion, I'd say."

"Better than my fucking pants being wet." Axel muttered lowly. He sighed, rubbing his arm against his face and sinking back onto his back in the seat. I climbed back on top of him and rested my head against his chest. He laid an arm protectively over my back and sighed loudly again. "We have to get going."

"I know."

"I don't want to go though." He began.

"What about your family?" I asked.

"If anything, Avó understands if I'm not there." He muttered, a faint smile coming to his face. It was the first one I'd seen all day, "If anyone asks about me she'll be quick to tell them to mind their place. Besides, if she knows her _neto_ is with that _nice boy_, she won't worry at all." He was silent for a minute and then I heard his voice. It sounded like he was falling asleep from the sounds of it. I picked my head up to look at him and felt my heart tug warmly at what I saw. His eyes were closed, and it looked like he was fighting to stay awake. "Rox?" He asked, tiredly.

"Yeah?"

"…Can we just stay here for a little while?"

"…Yeah. We can, Axel."

I pulled myself up to rest alongside him so that we were face to face. He opened his eyes briefly to look at me and then nudged me, mumbling that I turn around. His arms slipped around my midsection, drawing me in closer as he spooned himself around my backside. I reached up to place my hands over his, interlocking them with my own. I could hear the faint splattering of raindrops as we both fell into a momentary undisturbed slumber.


	3. Revolving Doors

**3; revolving doors**

I already knew Axel was starting to feel a little better when I woke up the next morning to him singing obnoxiously to some loud ass song on the radio.

I turned over in bed and groaned as I glanced wearily at the bright red alarm clock on my side of the bed. It was _eight _in the damn morning. What in the _hell _was he doing up so early? I pushed the covers back and moved to step down onto the wood floor. My bare foot connected with something short, furry and fat and I looked down to see Soro craning her neck to look back up at me.

She came out from under my foot and started with her customary, 'let me run around in circles while I wag my tail and hope someone pays attention to me' routine. When she realized I wasn't budging, she sniffed and toddled her way out of the room and out into the hallway. If I wasn't paying her attention, she knew she could break Axel down in an instant. That dog was too damn spoiled.

I got out of bed, having avoided any catastrophes with the dog today and walked down the hallway and into the living room. Axel was currently sitting at the bar in the kitchen, pen in hand and a pad of paper on the table in front of him. His hair was pulled away from his face, his glasses were balanced on his head and he was eating what looked like mangu.

Of course.

"Do you mind?" I asked as I leaned against the wall.

Axel immediately turned around to look at me, mouth full of food and a sheepish look on his face. He quickly broke out into a small grin as he reached for the remote next to him and clicked it at the stereo. "Well mornin' to you, too. Did I wake you?"

"You think?" I got off the wall and began walking over to him. "Why are you up so early, anyway?"

"Couldn't sleep," Axel began turning back to the pad in front of him. "Needed to write."

"Are you feeling okay, right?"

"Yeah." He said turning briefly and smiled at me, "Best I've felt all week, actually."

When I reached the bar I peered over his shoulder to see what he was doing. He was working fast, unperturbed that I was standing right over him. He was rapidly filling in bars of music without taking so much as a break to look at what he had done. I don't know how Axel does it half the time. It's like … he hears what he wants in his head and somehow he's able to write it out first and then go off and compose whatever he wrote on the guitar.

"Hm." I walked from behind him and around the bar in the direction of the refrigerator.

"Hm?" He asked, looking up at me.

"Nothing." I replied, "Did you feed the glutton?"

Axel turned around to look across the living room to the balcony. He whistled at Soro who was currently sitting in front of the balcony door. Soro instantly turned around and came running toward us. Axel immediately began cracking up when he watched her waddle her way around the bar and came up to him first.

"I know it's unhealthy … but you have to admit, it's kinda cute watching her walk around with all that extra weight." He bent down to pet her, disappearing from view for a few as he ducked behind the bar.

"You know, sometimes I wonder if you conspired with Demyx's stupid ass to get her like this."

"Rox, I would _never_." Axel grinned, as he reappeared.

"Right." I was about to place my hand on the refrigerator when the phone started to ring. Axel looked up at it, but I waved him away as I walked over to the cordless. I looked at the number on the caller ID and clicked the on button. "Hello?"

"Roxasss! Good morning!" Sora's loud and cheerful voice filled the line and I had to hold the phone away from my ear to prevent myself from going deaf.

"Sora." I said, turning around and walking back over to the refrigerator.

"That's all? No good morning? What about, 'Hey, bro! How've you been? Haven't talked to you or seen you in awhile. Thought you might have been dead!' Do you have any idea where I've been for the past week? Sure you don't, because you never call!"

Leave it to Sora to be this dramatic so early in the morning. I don't know who was worse, him or Rikku. I massaged my left temple as I reached into the fridge to take out the soy milk. I turned around and set it on the bar by Axel. "Hey, bro. How've you been? Haven't talked to you or seen you in awhile. Thought you might be dead."

Axel immediately looked up at me like I'd lost my mind, "Who in the world are you talking to?"

"Sora." I said, pulling a bowl from out of one of the cabinets.

Sora seemed to immediately perk up, "Was that Axel? TELL HIM I SAID HI!"

"Here, you know what? You can tell him yourself." I handed the phone to Axel and turned around to get some Honeycombs from out of another cabinet.

My family, rather Sora and Rikku, are in love with Axel, I swear. He never shuts up when I'm on the phone so I usually get a—Was that Axel? Let me talk to him!—somewhere in the middle of the conversation. Eventually after they run their mouths for whatever length of time, the phone goes back to me. Well, doesn't really matter either way. We all know who gets his attention when the day is over.

"Hey, Sora." He started, lying his pen down on the table. He got up, clicking his teeth so Soro followed him into the kitchen. I stepped to the side so he could get the dog food from a cabinet by my legs. "No, I'm doing fine. Yeah, well, I've been up for awhile now. I unintentionally woke Roxas out of his beauty sleep a little while ago."

"Lies." I kicked him in his ass for that.

"Ow, Rox." Axel laughed, rubbing at his butt. He glanced up at me, and then turned back to the cabinet to get the dog food out. "No, he just kicked me, that's all. Yeah, still violent. I know. So what are you doing? …Ah, I see. …Italy, hm? You and Riku? How was it? … Ah, yeah. I see. Yeah, it's really nice out there. I toured out there a couple of years ago. Definitely wouldn't mind going back. Yeah, yeah, I know. Haha, if he'd let me."

I looked back down at Axel, "I don't care to know what you're talking about but don't give me a reason to kick you again, cause I'll do it."

"Shhh, Sora, you're gonna get me in trouble." Axel leaned over Soro's bowl to pour the food in. She barked happily, ran over to Axel and began sniffing around before stuffing her face into the bowl. "Yeah, that's Soro. Yeah, she's still kind of fat, but we're taking care of it. Aren't we, Roxy?"

"Hn."

Axel glanced up at the clock hanging over the sink, "At any rate, I'mma give you back over to Roxas, Sora. Got some stuff that needs my attention. …Yeah … yeah, you too. All right, here's Rox."

He handed the phone back to me as he stood up and went back to his seat on the bar. I sighed as I brought the phone back up to my ear, "Are you satisfied?"

"I never told you to give the phone to Axel," Sora said, his voice full of mirth. "You decided to do that yourself."

"Whatever," I leaned over my bowl of cereal, eying Axel out of the corner of my eye. He was lost in his own little world inside his head again. "Well? What's wrong, Sora?"

"Does there have to be a reason for me to call my brother?" Sora asked, sweetly.

I knew he was already getting at something before it was even out his mouth. "I can tell that there's something you want me to do by the tone of your voice."

"Well, I know Riku and I have been gone for awhile…and we haven't really talked much in the past few weeks, but you know Thanksgiving is tomorrow, right?" Sora started, "Do you have any plans?"

I put my hand over the receiver and looked up at Axel. "You don't have anything planned for tomorrow, right?"

He looked up at me and shook his head, "Not that I know of. Reno's back in California and he took Avó with him until she's ready to come back to New York. Demyx and Zexion are both out of town. So no, I really don't. Why?"

I fanned his question down for a second, "What is it, Sora?"

"Well, I've been talking with Cloud off and on about a few things… and he was talking about going up to mom and dad's house tomorrow. So, I thought …why don't all of us get together and have dinner up there? Me, you, Cloud, Rikku! All of us! Of course, I'd be bringing Riku, you can bring Axel and Tifa would be there, too. Oh! And you can't forget the twins!" Sora began, "It'd be fun. We'd all be togeth—Roxas, hold on?"

"Sure." I said, massaging one of my temples with my free hand.

I heard some shuffling in the background. "No, Riku! Those aren't our bags! They're _slate _not _charcoal_! … Well how is that _my _fault? … I'm … no, I'm talking to Roxas! I'm telling him about … no, I'm not _harassing _him into coming… I'm trying to _persuade _him to come and be with his family for the holidays! … That's not harassment, Riku. No … _no,_ it's not. Me and Axel _do not _gang up on him—"

"Yes. You do." I said nonchalantly as I leaned down on the bar. I picked my spoon out of my cereal and began stirring it around.

"Roxas, be quiet. You're supposed to be on my side in this argument." Sora said. I could hear Riku's distinctive laughter in the background. "See! Now you've got Riku thinking you agree with him."

"I do. I think he's got the right idea," I said.

"Are you sure it isn't you and Riku who gang up on _me_?" Sora asked, "Cause I think it is. Look at what the two of you are doing right now."

I sighed loudly, letting my spoon clank loudly into my bowl of cereal. Axel picked his head up to look at me and snorted loudly. I rested my elbow on the bar and cradled my face in my hand. "Sora. Can we keep on topic, here?"

"Right, right. Sorry." Sora mumbled, "… Anyway—shut up, Riku—we'd all be together. Something we haven't done in a really long time, you know? Cloud said he's probably going to head up there tonight and I was thinking about doing the same."

"Did you get in touch with Rikku?" I asked.

"I called but she didn't pick up. Isn't she back in the city?" He asked, "I heard she came back nearly two weeks ago. Can you try and get in touch with her? I'm going to call her again when I get home just in case, though."

"Sure." I said.

"So … " Sora's voice went high in excitement, "You … you're coming?"

"Even if I say no, you'll most likely come down here to orchestrate something with Axel to get me out the house." I said, looking at Axel who was grinning to himself but not looking at me.

"Don't get mad because Sora and I make a great team." Axel murmured, flipping through some papers in front of him.

"Shut up," I said, throwing my spoon at him. He ducked to his left and the spoon went clattering to the floor.

"Tell Axel I agree." Sora said, laughing lightly.

"You shut up, too." I said, addressing Sora. "At any rate, I'll let you go so you can get back to whatever it is you're doing. I'll call you later on tonight, okay?"

"All right." Sora said, cheerfully. "See ya soon, Roxas!"

I clicked the off button on the phone and sighed as I sat it back in the cradle. After I got a new spoon from out of the drawer, I walked back around the bar so I could sit in the seat next to Axel and pulled my bowl of cereal over to me. He looked over at me, eyebrows rising in curiosity, "Something wrong, Thumbelina?"

I don't really mind the stupid nicknames that Axel uses for me anymore. They're kind of endearing, actually. He's still my moron, and I'm still his emotionally stunted midget. And you thought things had changed? No. With my spoon, I stabbed around at my cereal for a moment before turning to look up at him. "No."

He looked at me then down at the war I was currently declaring on my cereal. "Then, uh, why are you attacking the cereal like it stole your lunch money?"

I looked down at the cereal and let the spoon drop from my hand. "I'm not attacking it."

"Then what were you doing just now?" Axel asked as a grin spread across his face, "Come on, Rox. Talk to me."

I turned to look up at him, "Sora asked if I'd be interested in going up to my mother and father's house for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Obviously the invite is being extended to you seeing as he's dragging Riku with him and Cloud and Tifa would be coming with the twins … and Rikku … I've gotta call her."

"So what's the problem?" He asked me.

"Sora's talking about leaving and going up there tonight. At least that's what he _wants _to happen. Don't know if it's going to work out that way." I sighed.

"Roxas." Axel began, going back to his music sheets, "You're deflecting."

"Am not." I said, turning to him defensively.

"Are too."

I started stabbing at my cereal with my spoon again as I looked out of one of the windows on the other side of our loft. I sighed, lying the spoon back down into the liquefied mess. "It's … not that I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It's just …"

"Yes?"

"Weird." I said.

"Weird?" Axel asked incredulously as he looked up at me.

I turned to look at him. I was starting to feel like I was nineteen again instead of twenty two. "Yeah, weird." I sighed, pushing my bowl of cereal away as I no longer wanted to eat it anymore. "You know things have changed in the past couple of years since you've been with me … but there's still this feeling I get whenever it comes to my family."

"Well, Rox." Axel began as he got up from his spot on the bar to walk around to the fridge. He fiddled around in the freezer, "You've been through a lot with them, remember? And from what you've told me and what I've seen, it hasn't been easy to get to where you're at now, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." I said leaning down onto the bar, crossed my arms and rested my chin on my forearms. Axel turned back around producing two blue ice cream bars and I picked my head up as he handed me one. I unwrapped the plastic, and pushed it off to the side. "That doesn't make it any less… "

"Difficult?" Axel asked, "Well, what about when you worked with your dad? Didn't that help out your relationship any?"

"That was just something I did to pass the time because I had no idea what to do with myself." I said, dropping back down to lean my chin on the bar, "And I only did that until around my twenty first birthday, remember? Then Cloud took over when Leon moved out… and …"

"Going off topic, Rox."

"It wasn't like I saw my father much when I did that stuff anyway. Remember when you used to visit me?"

"Vividly." Axel grinned wildly at the memory, "Still wish we had that desk. Those were some—"

I could feel my cheeks heating up, "_Axel_."

"You know, I don't get it." Axel laughed, "You blush whenever I mention sex but whenever you initiate it, you're completely fine with it.

"Because you're always so _crass _when you talk about!"

"Anyway, sorry." He bit off a chunk of ice cream. Axel bit his lip as his eyes bugged and he closed them for a moment. He probably had brain freeze. Serves him right. "Let's get back on topic."

"I never really saw much of my father to begin with, remember? He was still getting over that heart attack at the moment and I was always locked up in that stuffy office looking over papers and such. I got to learn a bit about the company but I didn't really have any one on one time with him. He's not the same man that he was before … he's just … he's still kind of awkward around me." I said, sucking at my own ice cream.

"Maybe he just doesn't know how to interact with you."

"He never did." I said, looking away from Axel and to Soro who had finished with her food and was currently walking my way. "I don't know, as for my mom … she always cared about me. She was just so timid sometimes because of my father. I just don't want to go up there and it'll be … weird or I'll feel out of place."

"Rox." Axel began. He was currently leaning over the bar, so that our faces were somewhat close. He lowered his gaze to mine. "How old are you?"

"Twenty two." I said, sighing.

"Right, you're not a kid anymore are you?"

"Age is nothing but a number." I murmured.

"Oh, don't give me that." He leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead, "Listen, it's nothing to get depressed over, okay?"

"I'm not getting depressed." I said, glaring at him.

"Or angry over." He said, ruffling my hair now. "Listen, call your sister and see if she's available. If so, call Sora back and make sure he's going tonight. And if that's the case, she can catch a ride with us, we can all go up to your parent's house and I'll make sure to be by your side so you don't kill anyone. How's that sound?"

I swatted his hands away, "…You know, sometimes I wonder if you ever gave up the live-in gig."

Axel threw his stick away in the garbage. He then crossed his arms over his chest as he came back around the bar and stood beside my chair in thought. A smirk came to his face a few seconds later as he looked to me. I was already bracing myself for something stupid. "I think so, because you know why?"

"Why?" I asked, reaching behind me and searching for something to throw at him.

He was already edging away from me before he got the words out, "Cause, silly, if I didn't, I don't think you'd be letting me do the things that I do to you in bed every night."

Two seconds later, his musical theory book went soaring through the sky. It narrowly missed his head as he ducked around the corner to the hallway that led to our room.

-x-

I got Paine when I called Rikku. She told me to call Rikku's cell phone because she had left the house and didn't tell her when she would be back. When I called my sister the first time, no one picked up. When I tried her a second time, she picked up.

She sounded a lot livelier than she did when I talked to her nearly a week ago. Although, when I asked her about Thanksgiving, she seemed a bit hesitant to give me an answer. When I told her that all of us were going up to our parents house, it seemed to put her at ease. I called Sora back, telling him that Rikku was up for his … _plan_ and of course—in typical Sora fashion—he was all smiles, sunshine and rainbows.

Axel and I got ready—he had a bit of a drama queen moment with his hair again—and we were out the house a little before six o'clock hit. After a brief argument over what we were going to take—I stared at Axel like he lost his mind when he suggested his bike—we were soon settled into my Mercedes with Axel at the wheel. I put our bag into the trunk and put Soro, who was currently sleeping in her kennel, in the backseat. As we were waiting for the car to warm up some before taking off, Axel started up a conversation as he cleaned off his sunglasses.

"Hey, Rox? Question."

I turned away from the window to look at Axel, "Hm?"

"How come we've never gone to your parent's house for Thanksgiving before this?"

"…Well …the first Thanksgiving you and I ever spent together turned into a home edition of Jerry Springer with my sister and Kairi. In 2008, I spent Thanksgiving with you, seeing as Demyx and Zexion were out of town. And last year we went to your grandparents because Reno was in town and you said you wanted to spend it with them, remember?"

"Mmm, that's right." He stifled a yawn with his hand as he put his sunglasses on his head. He shifted gears and turned out of the garage and started off in the direction of Paine's building. "Hey, another question?"

"Yes?"

"Your parents know about us, right?"

"This is one hell of a time to be asking me this…" I sighed, turning to look out the window again. "I never really exactly told them that we were involved with one another. I know for sure they think you're a friend … my best friend, actually. You know, seeing your whole prior involvement with me and all. I'm pretty sure they know there's something going on between us though. You showed up enough at the office while I was working there." I crossed my arms over my chest, "And while they don't really pay attention to tabloids that much, mom's still somewhat involved with the entertainment business so she hears things every now and then."

"Do they care?" He asked as we stopped by a red light.

I leaned back in my chair, "Oh? Weren't you just telling me there was nothing to fear when it came to my family?"

"No," Axel said, snorting at my question. "I don't _fear _anything; I just want to know what they think of your relationship with the greatest person on earth."

"I thought your delusions had stopped?"

"Oh, they're not delusions, Rox." He grinned, "Besides, I'm not afraid of your family finding out about us. I just wanna know so while we're going at it tonight, they _know _exactly what we're doing. No shame in admitting the truth, right?"

"I'm going to make you sleep in the basement tonight if you don't stop." I snapped, turning to look at him. I was careful to pick my next few words. "What about _your _family?"

Although his grin decreased, a small smile came to Axel's face. "They both knew about you. Why do you think Avó likes you so much?"

My mind drifted back to the little incident in the limo during the funeral last week and I felt the sides of my face pull back slightly at what Axel had told me right before we had fallen asleep. It almost made me feel a little guilty that while his family might have accepted us—his immediate family, that is—I had no idea where I stood with mine beyond that of my siblings.

"Now _why _are you smiling?" He asked, his smile widening.

"It's nothing," I pointed over to the left side of the avenue. "That's Paine's building right there."

"We'll have to drive around; I can't go up that way." We drove around the block once and Axel pulled up to Paine's building. He put the car in park and turned to look out my window, "Well, where is she?"

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, slid my finger across the screen to unlock it and frowned at my home screen. "I told her we'd be here in literally five minutes." I found Rikku's number and called her while I turned to look out at the lobby. The phone rang but she didn't pick up. Rikku's inability to pick up her phone was starting to get really annoying. Right as I was about to call her again, my phone buzzed. It was a text from Rikku.

_Rikku  
Need help : (. I can't get out  
6:22pm_

I texted her back.

_Help?  
6:22pm _

Two seconds later, my phone was buzzing again.

_Stuck in Starbucks down the street. 14th near the corner of 6th. Paps here. Come get me please? Paine's not with me! Thank you :* :* :*!  
6:23pm_

My sister was unbelievable sometimes. I texted her back once more.

_Do you have your stuff?  
6:23pm_

My phone buzzed back nearly immediately.

_YESSS! NOW COME!  
6:24pm_

I clicked my phone off and turned to look at Axel who was currently resting his left arm against the car door. "Well?" He asked me.

"She's at _Starbucks_. Don't even start and ask me why. We'll do that when we go get her. She's down the street. She says she can't go anywhere cause the place is swarming with paparazzi."

"Is that the one by Urban?" Axel asked, hand reaching for the gear, "And who says _I _feel like dealing with them today?"

"Should be," I said as I shrugged, "I don't know. Just drive. Please, Ax?"

"Fine," Axel sighed loudly and pushed the gear back into drive again, "Only Rikku."

When we got down the street to the Starbucks, there was a small crowd of paparazzi crowding outside the door to the Starbucks along with various other people standing around on the street wondering what was going on. Axel parked the car across the street and away from all the commotion. I leaned forward to see if I could see my sister, but I could barely make anything out amongst all the flashing cameras.

"This is ridiculous. I thought dumb shit like this only happened in L.A."

I called my sister again and held the phone up to my ear. Two seconds later, she picked up. "Roxas? Where are you?" She asked.

"Don't you see my car?" I asked her, leaning into my seat.

I heard some rustling and saw the flashing of a few cameras. They must have noticed her moving as she tried to look for me. "Where are … _why _are you _ACROSS _the street? Can't you guys come over here?" She whined.

"Do you _see_ that crowd gathered outside of Starbucks?" I asked.

"You big meanie. If you're going to park all the way over there, can't you at least come inside? I don't want to go out there by myself. There are too many people." She was whining again. I _hated _when Rikku began to whine. She was worse than Sora.

I sighed, "Fine. Stay. Don't move." I ended the call and sighed in exasperation.

"She's really got you wound around her finger, doesn't she?" Axel said, popping the locks.

"Shut up, you." I said as I climbed out of the car and put my sunglasses on.

I immediately drew my arms tightly over my chest and walked briskly across the street just as the light changed and the walk sign appeared. The paparazzi barely noticed me as they were all pressed up against the window, cameras still poised and ready. I entered the Starbucks and instantly began looking around for my sister. She was huddled into a corner blocked off by a wall, phone in hand and looked relieved to see me.

I barely recognized Rikku when I saw her. The last time I saw my sister was when I had flown out to London this past September to see her for fashion week. Her ever distinctive long blond hair was missing. The last time I remember Rikku cutting her hair this short; she was barely out of middle school.

Also, she seemed ... small. My sister has always been on the petite side to begin with, but, she looked like she was being swallowed by her clothing as she stood up to hug me. But, most of all, Rikku looked tired. She seemed a bit withdrawn, as if she was being weighed down by something I couldn't see. I didn't like what I saw, but she seemed to instantly perk up upon seeing me.

"See, was that so hard?" Rikku asked me as she reached behind her to grab a huge black bag from where she had been sitting. She slung the bag over her shoulder and then she reached for drink—some strange looking green thing with whipped cream—and immediately turned to me with a huge smile on her face. She reached for one of my hands with her free one and tugged on me, "Lead the way, bro."

Sighing, I maneuvered my way through the crowd and headed for where the paparazzi were waiting for us. They were shouting the minute we walked outside and the flashes were blinding. She stayed huddled close to me as people were screaming and running alongside us. When we got to the curb, Rikku buried her face against my shoulder blades and tightened her grip on my hand.

Oh, I remember these days.

Axel already had the car started up when we got back to the other side of the street. Of course the morons followed us. The doors were already unlocked. I helped Rikku in first and made sure she was okay before I got in myself. Leave it to Axel to floor it and nearly run over some unlucky idiots who were in the way.

"And this is why I let you drive." I muttered to Axel as I turned around to look at the mob we left behind us. I turned my attention to Rikku next, "So, do you want to tell me why you were at Starbucks instead of waiting at Paine's building like you said you would be? She said you were out, but you told me you'd be back in time to be there."

"I wanted to get my green tea frappuccino." Rikku said as she put her seat belt on. She waved the frothy green drink at me and took a sip of it, "They don't have these in London. You don't know how badly I've been craving them."

I sighed, "And the paparazzi?" I asked.

She looked away from me, fiddling with her drink, "Can we talk about that later?"

"Seems like Princess has a secret she doesn't want to tell her big brother, hm?" Axel said, laughing to himself.

"Not even!" Rikku said, pouting and sliding down into the seat, "Don't give him any ideas, Axel."

"Hey, if it's not true, there's no need to get defensive, huh?" Axel asked.

"Axel?" I said.

"Yes, Roxy?" He asked.

"Shut up."

Rikku snorted, covering her hand with her face as she watched the two of us, "Axel, I hope you aren't going to take that from Roxas."

"There's nothing to take. We all know it's just how he expresses his love and adoration for the greatest person on Earth."

She instantly set her cup down and started covering her hands with her ears, "Oh, God, please don't start with this. You two aren't going to start kissing anytime soon, right? I completely and totally support your relationship, but I don't want to have to see it and—"

Axel let out a loud raucous laugh that made me want to slap him in the back of the head. I would have too if not for the fact he was currently driving, "Relax, Rikku. I'm kidding. Jeez, Roxas, and you question if the two of you are related, huh? She seems to freak out just as much as you do."

"I _don't_ freak out." I said.

"Oh, really?" Axel asked. I could tell he was mocking me.

"Okay, really, you two. I said don't start. I don't want to know about the nitty gritty details about your sex life. Or whatever …"

I sighed again and decided to turn the conversation back on Rikku and away from Axel, "At any rate, why were there so many paparazzi surrounding you?"

"They've been following me ever since I got back into the city …" She said, looking out the window.

"Any reason as to why?" Let's try this again.

"…I said we'd talk about that later." She mumbled, not meeting my eyes.

"Rox, stop badgering her if she doesn't want to talk about it now." Axel cut in.

"What happened to loyalty, huh?"

He snorted, "Pft, I'm as loyal as Soro back there. You know, I'm there for you through thick and thin ... or whatever."

"Actually, I think the two of you share the same low level brain capacity if anything." I said, resting my arm against the door and leaning my head on it.

"Axel, don't you ever get tired of this?" Rikku interjected, glancing between the two of us.

"Nope," Axel says, "Keeps spice in the relationship."

"Okay. _Stop_. **Stop now**. I thought I told the two of you I didn't want to hear this."

I couldn't help but snort myself, "Well, you asked."

"Besides, Roxas likes it even though he won't admit it." Axel glanced quickly at me and then back to the road, "Did you call Sora yet to let him know we were on our way?"

"No, actually …" I sat up and retrieved my phone out of the cup holder and searched for my brother's number.

"I was just about to call you!" Sora said, sounding out of breath as soon as he picked up. "Where are you?"

"We just got out of the city. We're on the highway." I said, "Where are you?"

"Haven't … left the city yet." Sora began. He promptly cut in before I could say anything, "But we're getting there! It's okay, we're catching a ride with Tifa and Cloud and then we're gonna hit the road in like ten minutes. It won't take long, I promise! Did you get Rikku?"

"Yeah," I turned around to look at my sister who was currently talking to someone on her phone and then back to the road ahead of us, "We got her."

"Okay, good." Came Sora's response. "We'll probably see you in an hour or so, right?"

"If you ever get out of Manhattan, sure." I scoffed, shaking my head at Sora and closing my eyes.

"We _will_! Okay, getting off the phone now. See you guys in a few! Byeeee!"

"Bye," I ended the call and sighed, "I have the most dysfunctional family ever."

"_Hey_." Rikku squeaked from the back.

"Don't think you're not included, Rikku." I said, turning around to face her again. "Since we gave you explicit instructions to wait at Paine's building until we came to get you, did we not?"

"Looks like the two of you share another thing in common." Axel interjected once again. "You never listen to what people tell you to do."

"Do you _want _to sleep outside tonight?" I asked, turning to look at Axel.

"You know you'd never do that, Rox. You love me too much."

"You flatter yourself." I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

Rikku giggled from the back seat, avoiding my question all together. She looked at me and then turned to look at Axel. "You know … Axel, I don't understand how you can deal with all the threats to your safety or bodily harm from my brother. But, looking at it now ...I guess it works for you guys." She reclined in her seat and started sipping happily away on her frappuccino. "You guys are cute together … in a twisted, sadistic and violent type of way."

"At least someone thinks so," Axel said, reaching over with his right hand to ruffle my hair. I swatted his hand away before it even touched my head. "Be careful, though, Rikku. Don't say too much or Roxas might blush himself to death."

I could feel the heat seeping into my cheeks and I was thankful that it was dark outside so Axel and Rikku couldn't see my face as I looked away from the two of them. Betraying the smile I could feel edging onto my face, I glanced out the window and said to Axel, "Shut up."

"I think what Roxas _really _wants to say is, 'Thanks, sis. I think so, too. And I'm blushing right now because I'm thinking of all the fun I'm going to have—" Axel began, but barely finished because Rikku was already stopping him before he got the words out.

"_**STOP**_! …_What _did I say?" Rikku cut in pulling away from her drink and began banging on Axel's chair in order to stop him.

"Don't tell him anything, Rikku." I said, "I'm seriously going to make sure he sleeps outside tonight."

"No you won't, cause Sora'll let me in." Axel said confidently.

"Try me." I said.

"You know I can't resist a challenge from you."

"…Ughhh …" Rikku echoed from the background and slumped back in her seat and went back to sucking on her frappuccino.

I turned to look at Axel in the dark once Rikku was no longer focused on us and he glanced at me briefly. The hand he had once used to ruffle my hair was slowly inching over toward mine which was resting near the gear shift. He slowly moved his hand over mine, shifting so that his hand was over mine and intertwined our fingers together. He squeezed it gently and I squeezed back just the same.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.


	4. Book Of Stories

**4; book of stories**

My last memories of celebrating Thanksgiving with my family …

Well, they aren't anything worth remembering, really.

I was sixteen and it was near the beginning of my junior year of high school. Hayner was over for Thanksgiving that night. His parents, as usual, were off at some charity event or some other mundane function that they needed to attend. As always, they'd rather spend a holiday working than spending it with their only son. So, I told Hayner he could come over for the night. But, of course whenever Hayner was involved, drugs were involved.

I don't know who was worse. Hayner's parents for abandoning him on Thanksgiving, or me, being fucked up in front of my family on Thanksgiving. We were high off of our asses at the dinner table that night. Hayner nearly ate everything in sight and I was so dazed and slow, it was ridiculous. I don't even know _how _we got through dinner without anyone realizing how high we were.

When dinner was over, we went back to the guest room, locked the door and smoked some more. We went back into the kitchen when everyone had gone to sleep and nearly _killed _half of the food that had been leftover. After we went back to the guest room, he blew me.

It wasn't exactly _bad _now that I think about it, but it wasn't exactly the greatest either. My father was barely around because—once again—his business took precedence over time with his family. Cloud refused to come because he didn't want to be bothered with pretending we were a normal family. Sora kept the cheer going as usual, and Rikku was ... well, not much to say about her whole dynamic in all of this.

God. That seems so long ago.

I sunk low into my seat as I saw we were approaching the exit that led to my parent's house. Although my mother said my father wanted to move further away from the city, the two of them had barely budged. I guess he was dragging his feet on the decision because he wanted to be close to his business, yet at the same time away from all the commotion of Manhattan.

"You okay?" Axel asked me, glancing my way. He turned down the music currently blaring from the car's speakers.

I shook my head. I pulled my hood up over my head so that it covered my eyes. Crossing my arms over my chest, I readjusted myself in the seat. "I feel nauseated."

"Hungry?"

I glanced over my shoulder to look at my sister. She had currently moved Soro's kennel off the seat and put it on the floor. She was curled up on her side and was fast asleep with one hand curled protectively around her phone and the other under her head. I shook my head at him as I turned back around and drew my hood over my eyes again, "Nerves."

"Ah," Axel said nodding his head, "Getting lost in the past again?"

"Thinking about the last Thanksgiving I spent with my family." I muttered, resting my arm against the side of the car door again.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked.

I gazed up at the full moon overhead as I dropped my arm from the car door and rested my head against the cool window. "There's not much to talk about. I was sixteen and Hayner was over because his parents were away for that entire long weekend." I closed my eyes, "We got high. My father was away for most of the day and then locked in his study for the remainder of the night. He didn't even eat dinner with us. My mother was there, though. Cloud didn't come because that was around the time when he was extremely anti-social and hated being around all of us. Sora was there being the dork he usually is and Rikku … well … she was just there."

"You were _high_?" Axel asked as if he were surprised.

I glanced at him, "Haven't we been through the whole 'Roxas did a lot of drugs when he was a teenager' spiel?"

"I know, I know. Hell, who didn't?" Axel snorted, "Just thinking, that was kind of ballsy of you."

"I didn't care." I said as I turned to look out the window again. "I needed an escape back then."

"I know." Axel said softly so that I turned and looked at him. He glanced up at a sign we were about to pass by and clicked the signal on so we could get off at the exit, "So, what do you make of it now? Think things will be different?"

"I hope they will. That was six years ago." I muttered.

"Then relax, Rox." Axel said gently as he reached over with his right hand to squeeze my shoulder gently.

"Easier said than done." I mumbled, "Why did I even agree to this?"

"Because," Axel said, "I think deep down you know things won't be as bad as they used to be. And your family is going to be together again for Thanksgiving after … what did you say? Six years? Things have changed, Rox. You know that. And you agreed because Sora and I always know what buttons to press to get you out of your comfort zone."

"Don't you think I know that? But it's one thing to know something and another to believe it." I groaned, "And that threat of sleeping outside still stands, I hope you know."

"Mmm, duly noted." Axel responded, scoffing lightly at me.

We were silent for the next few moments as I directed Axel toward the direction of my parent's house. After getting clearance from the security guard poised at the front of the gated community, we drove along the long winding road towards the end where my parent's mansion stood. I punched in the code for the gate to the house and we were in. Axel pulled the car to a rolling stop near one of the garage doors and put the car into park.

"Well. We're here." He said, taking the key out of the ignition. He turned to me and grinned, "Man, remember when we were here for my birthday two years ago?"

"Vividly." I said, turning away from him. I turned around to check on my sister. She was still fast asleep. I leaned back and shook her gently with one of my hands, "Rikku."

"Your brothers aren't here yet, are they?" Axel asked, sounding slightly confused.

I turned around to look at him and then out the front window to see there was another car parked in the driveway. I shook my head, "That's not Cloud's car. He drives a BMW."

Rikku sat up at that moment and yawned. "We're here already?" She turned to look at the car we were looking at and instantly squeaked. Bending down, she rummaged around in her large bag and pulled out her key for the house. Afterward, she began to pull on the car handle. When it wouldn't budge, she turned around to start beating Axel on his shoulder. "Let me out! Let me out! Come on and pop the locks already and let me out!"

"Alright, _alright!_" He hit the button to unlock the door and Rikku flew out the car with her key poised in her hand. She'd forgotten all of her stuff in the car. "Sheesh. What is this? Abuse Axel Day?"

"That's every day." I muttered, turning to watch Rikku opening up the front door and then running into the house.

"What was that about?" Axel asked, leaning forward as well to watch my sister. "Think she knows who it is?"

"It's Yuna." I said, "There's no one else she'd flip out over like that."

Axel blinked, "Family?"

"My cousin." I said, unfastening my seat belt. I turned to look at him, "Well, come on then."

Axel got out of the car just as I did. He grabbed our duffel from the trunk while I grabbed Rikku's abandoned bag in the back of the car and Soro's kennel. Axel pocketed the keys to the car and gestured to me to lead the way. Rikku left her key in the door so I took it out when I opened it. When we got in, Yuna and Rikku were currently in the middle of the entryway, both of them holding on tightly to the other.

"Yunie! When did you get back from California? Furthermore, why didn't you _tell _me you were coming back to New York!" Rikku said once she pulled away from Yuna.

Yuna laughed, waving away my sister's questions. "I could say the same for you, Rikku. I had no idea you were coming back from London anytime soon." She looked Rikku up and down, "You look like you came straight out of some European high fashion magazine, you know?" She laughed.

Rikku hit Yuna playfully on the shoulder, "Shush." She grinned, "Is it just you here?"

"No, mom and aunt Saoko are here with me, too." Yuna replied.

Rikku instantly pulled away from Yuna and told her she was going to go off and look for our mother and aunts and she'd talk to her once she got back. Yuna grinned, extending her arms out at me. I dropped Soro's kennel and Rikku's bag to the floor. "Roxas. You're here, too?" She turned to look at Axel who readjusted our duffel bag over his shoulder, "Oh? Who is this?"

"Yuna." I began as my cousin came over to me and immediately enveloped me in a bone crushing. When she let go of me, I rubbed at my upper arms and gestured toward Axel who was standing next to me. "This is Axel."

"Axel." She said, nodding her head and extending her hand to shake his. She paused for a moment and cocked her head to the side in question. "Wait a minute … Axel … Axel … why do you look so familiar?" She turned back to me and then Axel and then her eyes lit up, "I know you! You're that singer from that band Rikku used to be obsessed! You're Axel Ramirez, aren't you?"

Axel laughed, letting the duffel bag hit the floor and smirking gently. "That would be me."

Yuna clasped her hands in front of us and smiled as she glanced from me to Axel again. "Rikku said you were dating someone named Axel, Roxas, but she never told me it was _that _Axel. How did _this_ happen?"

I sighed before Axel had a chance to respond, "It's a long story."

"Well then, tell me later, perhaps?" She asked, smiling gently.

"Later." I said, rubbing at my shoulder.

"Deal." Yuna said. She tugged at my hand, "Well, don't just stand there. Come on."

I glanced toward Axel and he nodded, gesturing for me to follow Yuna. I checked on Soro and let her out of her kennel. She immediately ran toward Yuna, excited at the idea of meeting new people. Yuna laughed as she bent down to gather the spastic dog up in her arms and we walked off toward the kitchen.

My aunts and mother were all gathered at the kitchen table while Rikku was sitting by the bar with a steaming mug in front of her. They all turned to glance at us the minute we entered. Yuna went to go take a seat by Rikku with Soro still in her arms. I could see my mother's face light up in a heartbeat.

"Well here's a face I haven't seen in _ages_." My aunt Saoko got up from the table and walked over to me. She looked me up and down and then reached out to squeeze my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. "Still skinny as I don't know what. Haven't grown much either. How've you been, huh?" I was about to respond when she shifted focus to Axel who was standing beside me. "And who's the tall gentleman you've got with you, huh?"

I sighed. I was doing this once and only once. "Axel." I turned around to look at him, "My aunt Saoko," I gestured toward the woman who had just hugged me. I grabbed his hand and tugged him out of the archway of the kitchen and Saoko returned to her seat. I gestured toward the woman sitting over next to my mother who looked like the spitting image of Yuna except older. "My other aunt, Hiromi." And then I turned toward to the blond woman who was smiling at the two of us, "And my mother, Sabel."

"Axel, hm?" Saoko murmured as she stretched in her seat.

"Saoko." Hiromi snapped, immediately looking up from her mug.

Saoko glanced at Hiromi and then turned back toward the two of us as she pursed her lips. "You know, if I knew it was that type of party for Thanksgiving, I would have brought one of my flings with me, too."

"Saoko would you _mind _yourself for one minute?" Hiromi slammed her mug down on the table and seethed through clenched teeth.

"Now, now, you two." My mother rose from her spot at the table and completely ignored their banter. She walked around the table and in our direction. She immediately enveloped me in a hug and then turned her attention on Axel. As she looked him over, a smile instantly unfolded on her face and she cocked her head to the side. "I remember you, Axel." She looked at me then back at Axel, "You helped my son out a few years ago, didn't you?"

"That… would be me." He said, scratching the back of his head as he seemed to wait and see where this was going.

She nodded in understanding, "Mh hm." She turned around to face Saoko, "Saoko, Roxas is merely bringing a friend along to Thanksgiving. That's all."

"Oh come off it, you two. I was just kidding around."

Hiromi shook her head and rolled her eyes, "Sure you were."

My mother turned around to face us again, "At any rate, Axel, I'm glad you're here. The more the merrier." She turned to look at me, "Sora and Cloud are coming, I take it?"

"Sora's late as always and holding everything up." I sighed, shaking my

head.

"I thought so." She laughed and walked away from me and over to one of the cabinets to retrieve two mugs. "Are you boys thirsty? Hungry? Want some tea? Hot cocoa? Anything?"

Axel took a seat at the bar next to Rikku and I sat down next to him. I shook my head when my mom waved a mug at me but Axel spoke up. "Tea is fine."

"What would you like? I've got jasmine, chamomile, green …"

"Green." Axel said, "Straight. Nothing in it."

As my mother set about making Axel's cup of tea, Rikku leaned back on her stool and cocked her head to the side. "Hey mom? Where's dad?"

"He ..." My mom paused and then turned to look over her shoulder at us, "Promise you won't be mad?"

Rikku frowned, "He's working isn't he?"

"In California," My mother began walking over to where Axel and I were sitting and set his mug down in front of him. He thanked her and she went back around to sit at the kitchen table. She sighed, "You know how business goes."

"That's a bullshit excuse." Saoko said, shaking her head. "Sabel, you take too much from him."

Hiromi shook her head disapprovingly and my mother sighed loudly. "Let's not get into this, okay?" She turned back to look at me, Rikku, Axel and Yuna who were still seated at the bar, "Let's just be glad for who _is_ here, right?" She received a noncommittal sound from Saoko and Hiromi nodded her head in agreement. When she turned to the rest of us, Yuna was all smiles, Rikku look preoccupied, Axel nodded and I shrugged.

Before anyone could say anything else, the doorbell started to ring. And from the sound of it, whoever was ringing it had lost their mind. My mother instantly got out of her seat and I followed her, already knowing who it was before they even set foot through the door.

There was a loud screeching sound followed by the sound of another baby babbling. Cloud came in first holding one baby carrier and Sora followed right behind him. Tifa and Riku followed the two of them each holding onto what I noted to be kennels. That could only mean that Cloud and Tifa had brought Grevier and Fenrir with them. They were once Sora's but ended up at Cloud's house because … well, for lack of better word, he got bored with them. I mean, just look at me and Soro. Sora has a horrible track record with animals or pets for that matter.

A chorus of voices erupted in the next few moments. After he handed one of the baby carrier's off to Tifa, Sora attacked me first. By attack, I mean hugging me to the point where Riku had to pry him off of me. I was shuffled from Sora to Riku, and then off to Tifa who nearly suffocated me with her ample …bosom. Cloud followed shortly after and then I went to go check on the twins. Marlene and Denzel had gotten bigger since I'd last seen them and they immediately cooed and gurgled at me when I came into focus. Smiling only seemed to give them more incentive to laugh.

After everyone greeted each other, we all took our stuff upstairs to get settled. Axel and I had the exact same room we had stayed in on the night that he came home from Warped Tour. When everyone was settled into wherever, we all dispersed throughout the house. Rikku was with Yuna, my mother and aunts had gone back to the kitchen, Cloud and Tifa were taking care of Marlene and Denzel for the time being and I'm not too sure where Riku and Sora were. Axel and I had gone back downstairs and were currently watching TV when I heard something crashing upstairs.

Axel looked up to the second floor curiously and then looked toward me.

"Sora." I said.

"ROXAS!" I cringed when I heard Sora's voice echoing from upstairs. The yelling prompted Griever, Fenrir and Soro to all run over to the staircase at the same time and start a chorus of barking as Sora came thumping down the stairs two seconds later. "ROXAS! GUESS WHAT I FOUND!"

"No." I said, turning away from Sora and pulled my hood up over my head to try and tune him out.

"No, dammit, guess!" He began shaking my shoulder back and forth when he neared couch. When I didn't budge, he came around and sat down across from me on the couch. "LOOK!"

I opened my eyes to look at whatever it was that he was waving at me. "…You still _have _this?" I asked, taking the cartridge from his hands. I looked up at Sora and then at the game in my hands.

When Sora and I were little, we were lucky enough to have parents who actually indulged in our want for video games rather than being against them. Actually, it was more like our mother let us play video games. She, herself, had a love affair with Tetris.

Anyway, when we were kids, Sora was obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Come on. What kid wasn't during the 90s? He had sweaters, pajamas, underwear, slippers, costumes, action figures, bed sheets … the list goes on. If you could put the Ninja Turtles on it, Sora surely had it. As for the video games … we had just about every one that came out for the Nintendo and Super Nintendo. There was one game in particular that Sora fell in love with—Turtles in Time.

Sora would literally _attack _me to play this damn game. We couldn't play video games on weekdays when we had school so when the weekends came around; Sora was always begging me to play. Not like he couldn't play by himself … but Sora needed a lot of stimulation as a child. He could never play by himself.

Just ask Riku. When I was free from being subjected to Ninja Turtles torture, Riku took my place during the weekly play dates he and Sora used to have. I think Riku had a soft spot for Sora even back then because he could never say no to Sora's pouty face and his desperate pleas.

"_Please_. We haven't played this in so long!"

I mean, look at Sora now. What was he doing? Begging.

"Not _that _game." Rikku commented, leaning over the couch to snatch the cartridge from Sora's hands. She shook her head at Sora and then chucked it onto the couch where Sora picked it back up and frowned at her, "You two were horrible when we were kids. God, Sora, you used to harass poor Roxas into playing that thing all the time. I always knew when the two of you were playing cause Sora always had the volume up at deafening levels and he'd put on that stupid turtle mask … thing."

"I remember that," I said, sighing and shaking my head. "And you're right; he always _did _wear it whenever we played."

Sora jumped off the couch in his defense, "HEY. It wasn't _stupid_! It was perfect!" He pointed at her, "And if I remember correctly, _Rikku, _**you **used to come into our room all the time and watch us play it!"

"Yeah." I muttered, "And she'd bring all her decapitated Barbie dolls into the room and crowd up around us and scream at us as played."

"And me," Cloud's voice came floating from the entry way as he came into the living room a few seconds later. He glanced at Rikku who was biting her lip, a habit of hers when she was about to get defensive, "Don't make that face, Rikku. It was always on Sunday afternoons when Sora and Roxas would sit around and play video games together. Rikku always demanded that someone play with her and we'd migrate from her room and down the hall into Sora and Roxas's room. Instead of playing with her Barbies, she'd be fixated on the two of them and whatever they were playing. If you left, she'd just find you again and bring you right back to where she wanted you."

"Aww, weren't you a good big brother?" Tifa placed a hand on Cloud's shoulder and he sighed, looking elsewhere.

"That's right." Rikku said, taking a seat next to Axel. "Any good brother knows he needs to play with his little sister and keep her entertained."

"Or sanity." I mumbled and Sora started snickering.

"What was that, Roxas?" Rikku snapped from behind me.

"What are all of you going on about?" My mother came into the living room at that point and tried to stifle her laughter but she failed horribly at it. I guess she had been listening the entire time. She turned to Cloud, "Where are my little grandchildren?"

"Sleeping." Cloud replied.

My mother nodded in understanding and then continued on, "You know, I have some pictures of the four of you crowded into that room all glued to the TV." She turned to look at Axel and then over at Tifa who was still standing beside Cloud, "Do you want to see them? They're adorable."

While Tifa nodded almost immediately—Cloud didn't look like it bothered him much either way—Axel glanced at me as I started shaking my head at him.

Rikku snickered, "What's the matter, Roxas? Afraid Axel's going to see all the naked bath time pictures of you and Sora?"

I could kill her.

"Oh, Roxas, don't be like that," My mother said as she walked over in the direction of the study and disappeared for a little while.

"Yeah, Roxas." Axel grinned, "Don't be like that."

"Mom really likes to take any chance to embarrass us, doesn't she?" Sora said, shrinking into the chair.

"Says the kid who proudly admits to wearing a giant turtle mask on his face for most of his childhood." I mumbled, watching our mother's retreating form. I turned to look at Axel, "Outside. Garage. Basement. Take your pick."

"Oh, my options keep expanding, don't they?" He asked, laughing. I rolled my eyes at him and didn't even bother to respond.

"Anyway …" Sora stood up at that point and turned excitedly toward me, "So you'll play? Please? We haven't done so in so long, Roxas!"

"Sora," I said looking up at him and his eyes were lighting up by the minute, "Go get the stupid SNES and stop before you drive me crazy."

Sora leaned in to hug me and I had to fight to pry him off, "YES!" He ran out of the living room and back up the stairs. A few minutes later he was coming back down the stairs with the Super Nintendo, various cords and controllers balanced precariously in his arms. He set them down on the coffee table in front of us and set about hooking the station up.

I removed one of the controllers from the table and frowned while I was observing it. "…Where's the start and select button for this pad?"

Sora turned to look up at me and stopped fiddling with cords, "Didn't Rikku eat them?"

"I did _NOT_!" Rikku shot up from her spot by Axel. "Stop lying, Sora!"

"I think he's right, Rikku." I turned to look see Riku coming down the stairs. He crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned over the sofa to look at the controller in my hands. "Can I see that, Roxas?" When I handed it over to Riku he flipped it back and forth and then laughed. "Yep, this is the controller."

"Didn't she used to chew on the controllers all the time?" Sora asked, cocking his head to the side.

"I DIDN'T!" Rikku squeaked again, walking over to snatch the controller from Riku's hands.

"You did." Cloud murmured from the other side of the living room. He and Tifa had moved to sit on the love seat across from the other sofa Axel and Rikku were sitting on. "Just like you chewed on the heads of your Barbies."

"MA-_OM_!" Rikku whined, glancing over her shoulder.

"What are all of you fussing about? You sound exactly like you did when the four of you were kids." My mother asked as she walked back into the living room with three albums stacked in her arms.

"Tell Sora, Roxas and Cloud to stop lying about me eating Barbie heads and chewing on video game controllers!"

My mom looked at her and then started laughing, "But you _did_, honey."

Rikku huffed and sat plopped down next to me on the couch. "I seriously hate all of you. Worst excuses for brothers, **EVER**."

Cloud cleared his throat, Sora grinned and finished plugging the SNES up and I merely smirked. My mother took a seat down next to Axel and waved Tifa over to join the two of them. She put the top two albums on the coffee table and then flipped open an aging black leather one, "Now let's see …"

"Awww, is that Cloud?" Tifa asked, pointing at some picture in the album.

"Yup. He's about two here. That was the day we brought Sora and Roxas home from the hospital." My mother looked up at him, "He was so eager to be a big brother." She flipped the page and they continued to look through the album. Every so often, Tifa would point out how cute someone looked and Axel made little side comments.

Sora joined me, Rikku and Riku on the couch after he took hold of a controller and pushed the cartridge into the console, "Ready?"

"Sure, with my half eaten controller."

"Shut up, Roxas." Rikku snapped, crossing her arms.

Sora laughed and then turned his attention toward the television. He instantly broke out in a grin as the television screen brightened and the opening sequence played.

"Fifteen years later and this game still makes you giddy." Riku commented, shaking his head at Sora.

"Shut up, Riku. It's been a long time!" Sora said, hitting him on his shoulder.

"Dork." Rikku murmured, rolling her eyes.

"You too, Rikku." Sora stuck his tongue out at her and focused on the television again.

"Wait." I immediately turned my attention away from Riku, Rikku and Sora and over to Axel. "Wait, wait, wait. I already know this is Roxas." Axel said laughing, causing me to rise from where I was sitting. I walked over to sit on the arm of the chair and peered over Axel's shoulder. "Look at you, already scowling. How old was he there?"

My mom laughed, "I think about three."

"Do you _see _what's happening in that picture, Axel?"

"You've got cake all over your face and shirt?" Axel asked, only laughing harder. "Let me guess, it was Sora?"

"Great observational skills."

"But why?" Axel asked, turning to look at Sora then my mom.

"It was their third birthday." She replied laughing gently and turning the page, "Sora got a little excited."

"A _little_?" I asked incredulously as I got off the arm of the couch and sat back down in my previous spot. Sora was starting the game.

"I just wanted him to have some cake!" Sora protested, glancing up at the screen. "Roxas pick your damn turtle already so we can get on with this!"

"...You _still pick _Michelangelo." I muttered, picking up the controller again.

"And _you _still pick Raphael." Sora countered.

"I say they match your personalities perfectly," Axel commented, turning to look at Riku who was sitting next to Sora on the couch. "Right, Riku?"

"I couldn't agree more."

I turned to look at Axel as Sora turned to look at Riku. "Shut up, both of you."

"Yeah, shut up, Riku." Sora echoed. As the first level popped up on the television, Sora frowned. "You know, I never understood why it was 3AM. I mean, didn't Shredder steal the Statue of Liberty on the evening news? What took them so long to respond?"

I glanced at him, "…Really, Sora?"

"Whatever. Let's just play!"

And so we continued on with Riku, Cloud and Rikku as our main audience. My mother, Tifa and Axel were engaged at looking at pictures of the four of us from when we were little. Eventually Cloud left to go check on the twins and Rikku went back upstairs to Yuna and disappeared for the rest of the night. My aunts left the kitchen also, telling us all good night as they headed for one of the downstairs guest rooms. Tifa followed Cloud shortly after, leaving me, Riku, Sora, Axel and my mom as the only people in the living room.

Axel and my mother had stopped looking at the albums she brought out and were currently engaged in rapid conversation. I couldn't focus too much on what they were saying but Axel made my mother laugh quite a few times and the two of them seemed to be getting along. After Sora and I beat Turtles in Time—I've lost count of how many times we've done it—he went upstairs to go get some more video games to play.

I, however, was too tired to play anything else. It was nearing nearly twelve at night and I just wanted to lie down for awhile. Sora set up the PS2 next, going on about how he wanted someone to join him for DDR. I don't know _how, _but Sora got our mother to play with him. I switched couches so that I was sitting next to Axel and had a better view of the two of them playing.

I lied down on my side so that my head was in his lap and he put one hand on my shoulder and the other rested on the top of my head. My mother was horrible at DDR even though Sora put her at the easiest level. They failed the first level before they even got to the second.

After awhile when I felt myself drifting off. I pulled myself off of Axel's lap and nodded off toward the stairs telling him I was going to go lie down for awhile and for him to wake me up when he came upstairs. He ruffled my hair gently and told me to go on. I said good night to my mother, brother and Riku and was on my way. As I left, I could have sworn I saw an all too knowing smile on my mother's face.

-x-

I pulled a pillow from the headboard and situated myself at the foot of the bed. My eyes were lazily turned toward the television. There was something on the news again about destruction, the failing economy or some other nonsense that was supposed to depress or strike fear in people's hearts, so I stopped watching it and turned onto my side toward the direction of the window.

Being home … could I even call this home? Was this even home?

Well … yes and no. Home has taken many shapes and forms for me over the past few years. Up until I was sixteen, home had always been where my family was. …But in the past six years, I've never been stationary long enough to find a place that I'd consider to be my home.

I suppose you could call this place my home in a sense that this is where my parents lived. The place I feel that society tells you you should consider your home to be—the place where your family is. But this isn't where my heart is. I never lived in this house. I was never welcomed here when my family first moved here. Why would I consider this my home? Home … home to me these days is wherever I feel safe.

And most of the time … that's when I'm with Axel.

So what I should really say is that being with my family like this … it's not so bad. Sure, my father isn't here, but that's to be expected. He was never around much when I was a kid, and when he was, he never seemed to understand what to do with me. Or what I needed from him. My mother … I can tell she's happy that we were all—for the most part—together again. Having her sons and daughter around … along with the people that make them happiest … I think that's the only thing that she really cares about.

You know, Axel tells me that I shouldn't think so much. He says I dissect everything all the time no matter what happens. Even though I've come a long way in these past few years, there's still so much that I question. Sure, I'm not the same person I was when I was nineteen, or sixteen for that matter, but I still have aspects of myself that I'm unsure about.

Even though the atmosphere has been nothing but warm, there's still some part of me, deep down inside, that feels like the fuck up from so long ago. I'm more expressive with how I feel about certain things, but there's many times where I'm left wondering what I should do or if what I choose to do is the right thing. I suppose, I still lack confidence in my future the majority of the time.

Then again, another part tells me that I'm only twenty two and I shouldn't be getting down on myself like this. Just take it one day at a time and see where I find myself. Being here right now is just a part of that process. So I guess, in the end, I should just accept that what I feel is normal … and do like Axel says and stop trying to break down everything that crosses my mind all the time.

I was nearly on the brink of sleep when Axel came into the room at that point whistling away with Soro at his heels. She toddled over to the space where her kennel was and went right in and laid down. I turned over onto my side to look at him. He closed the door with his heel and then surveyed the room before turning his attention on me. He threw his phone down on the bed by the door and sauntered over to the one I was currently lying on. I shifted over some so he could have space to lie down next to me.

"Man, I'm beat." He said as he flopped down onto the bed. He stretched and stifled a yawn with the back of his hand.

"Are you?" I asked, rising my eyebrows in questioning.

"Sora is addicted to video games. He just kicked me and Riku's asses in Modern Warfare. What the hell?" Axel asked, gesturing with his hands before crossing them over his abdomen.

"He's an addict." I snorted, turning into the pillow, "And you suck at video games. Mario Party ringing any bells?"

"That was three years ago! And that game is totally based on chance." Axel protested, "At any rate, did you get any sleep, Sleeping Beauty?"

"No," I shook my head, "I was thinking."

Axel turned off his back and turned on his side to look at me, "Rox."

"I'm not getting depressed. I'm not getting angry. I'm keeping calm." I said before he could even start, "And I might be over analyzing things … but only a little bit."

"Only a little bit?" He asked.

I nodded tiredly at him, "I was just thinking of how happy mom looked tonight." I murmured as I closed my eyes, "It's been a long time since we were all together like this … that's all."

"You know you look exactly like her." Axel chuckled lowly, "The smile, the hair, the eyes. Even those dimples that you always try to hide when you smile."

I didn't even have the energy to swat his hand away as I felt him poke gently at my cheek for emphasis.

"Rikku's got them too. So does Sora."

"And Cloud?"

"He takes after my father. He's kind of got a shade of blue that's close to my mother's eyes. But, his features, those are definitely more so my father's than my mom's."

"Rox?" Axel asked.

"Yeah?"

"…Have you ever called him dad? At least once?"

I opened my eyes slowly at the thought of his question. "I never …" I began as I became fixated on the velvet curtains draped over the window. "I never felt like I could."

"What about when you were a kid?"

I shook my head, "Rikku always did. Sora used to call him daddy when we were really little; nowadays he usually calls him dad. Cloud always seemed to call him father as did I …"

"Would you?"

"Axel…" I sighed loudly.

"Well, you said you were thinking. I was just wondering." He said.

I turned over on my side to face Axel again. I threw an arm around his ribs and pulled him in close so that my head was tucked under his chin and my cheek was pressed against his chest. I sighed contently and closed my eyes again.

"You okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine."

We stayed like that for a few minutes before he patted my head so I looked up at him, "I'm going to go take a shower, okay?"

I sighed and rolled over onto my side, "Why do you always do that right before I fall asleep?" I asked as he rolled off the bed and got to his feet and stretched. He merely looked over his shoulder and smiled at me but didn't say anything. The bathroom door shut a few seconds later and I was left with deafening silence once again.

I heard the shower start up just as there was a knock on the door. When I yelled for whoever it was to come in, my mother came in, a warm smile spreading across her face and into her eyes. She raised her hands gently and walked over to the nightstand in-between the two beds and set the mugs she was carrying down on the surface, "For you and Axel. It gets a bit chilly up here at night even with the heat on. I don't want the two of you to freeze tonight."

I found myself lowering myself back down onto my pillow and closed my eyes, "Thank you."

I opened my eyes again when I felt my mother take a seat near the edge of the bed where I was currently lying. She looked down at me and reached over to run a hand through my hair. She used to do this all the time when I was a kid. "You look tired, hon. Too much excitement for one day, hm?"

I nodded silently, fighting to stay awake, "Guess so."

She laughed gently and then looked around the room as she kept stroking a hand through my hair. "Where's Axel?"

"Shower." I murmured.

"Ah, I see." She looked down at me again, her eyes creasing in mirth. She was silent for a little while and I knew there was something she wanted to say but she was waiting for a moment. "I like him, Roxas."

I looked up at her, "Hm?"

"He seems to make you happy. And he can even get you to smile." She continued on as she patted me on the head, "Not a lot of people have that effect on you, you know?"

"Mom." I groaned already feeling the red creep up into my cheeks, "Please don't start."

"What?" She asked innocently as she removed her hand from my head and I rolled over onto my back so I could look straight up at her, "I'm just making an observation. It's my duty as your mother to notice these things."

I sighed, bringing the pillow up over my face.

"Oh, don't be like that, Roxas." She said, removing the pillow from my face so that she could look at me. I didn't even bother to try and pull it back. "Don't think I haven't noticed it. And, no, I didn't talk to Sora, Rikku or Cloud about the two of you. I watched the way the two of you interacted today. A mother's intuition is never wrong."

"Well?" I questioned.

"Roxas, baby, I couldn't care less if you were with a man or a woman. As long as they make you happy and they treat my baby boy right, that's all I care about." She went back to stroking my hair again and soon a grin rivaling Sora's came to her face as she leaned down, "Plus, he's _cute_, too." She nearly had to contain her giggling. The giddy and jovial disposition Sora and Rikku inherited came straight from my mother. She looked toward the direction of the bathroom and her grin only broadened. "Those _eyes _… Roxas. Where did he get such intense eyes? I've never seen such a color before. And that hair … is it natural? Oh and that _smile, _Roxas. How old did Axel say he was? Twenty six? If I were twenty five years younger …"

I forced a smile at her, feeling my cheeks twitching slightly. "Mom."

"Right, right, listen to me. Hehe, sorry. He _is _attractive, though. A little on the skinny side though. We'll have to fatten him up tomorrow, won't we?" I closed my eyes again and rested against her thigh as she moved some hair away from my face. She stopped for a minute, pausing in thought. "You two _are _using protection, right?"

My eyes immediately snapped open at her question and I bolted upright and turned around to look, "_**MOM**__!"_

"What? Don't freak out. …And _don't _give me that look. Roxas, honey, it's completely natural. You're twenty two years old and at your age, I know that you're bound to be sexually active. As your mother, I just want to make sure you're taking the necessary steps to protect yourself. There's a lot of stuff out there these days, you know?"

I got out of bed and steadily walked over to the door intent on shuffling my mother out of the guest room and down the hall towards her own room, "Mom, no. That … that's enough questions and statements and whatever else from you for tonight. Thanks for the hot chocolate. Axel and I will be sure to drink it. I love you, goodnight, sleep well and I'll see you in the morning."

"I don't see what the problem is." She said, standing up and brushing herself off. She smiled at me as she walked over in my direction and I opened the door to the room, "I'm not trying to embarrass you honey, you know that."

I folded my arms over my chest, not meeting her eyes. The bathroom door clicked behind us and I closed my eyes, praying to whatever God there was that Axel had enough sense to come out with at least a towel on. I opened them a second later to look at him to find that he had done better with a pair of pajama pants and had a towel currently draped over his head to towel down his hair. He was whistling when he came out but stopped when he caught sight of me and my mother standing by the open door. He grinned at my mother, "Mrs. A?"

"Tattoos too, huh?" She asked, lowering her voice and turning away from me. She shifted her attention to Axel and nodded to him, "Axel. I brought you boys some hot cocoa in case you get cold. Drink up, you hear me? And please, call me Sabel."

"Aww, thanks." Axel nodded toward her as he crossed the room to sit down on the bed closer to the door.

"_A lot _of tattoos." She grinned widely, catching a glimpse at Axel's backside. She leaned in to kiss me on the forehead then turned her attention from me to Axel. "I'm going to bed now you two, so I'll see you in the morning. Axel, make sure he drinks up, you hear me?"

"Sure thing, Sabel." He said turning around to face her. "Good night."

"That's what I like to hear." She leaned in with one last word for me, "And if the cocoa doesn't work. Just cuddle up to Axel for the night. Two bodies are better than one! Remember that."

"_Goodnight, _Mom." I said sighing as she left the room. After I closed the door, I exhaled out of relief and then walked over to the bed I'd been previously lying on. I fell onto the bed and brought the pillow over my head and groaned loudly.

"What was _that _all about?" Axel asked me, removing the towel from his head and shaking his hair out. "Whatever she said to you must have been good. Your face was completely red when I came out of the bathroom."

I removed the pillow from my head so I could turn around and look at him. He was grinning at me, as usual. I stared at him, my eyebrows furrowed and then I threw the pillow in his direction. He caught it and started laughing. I got off the bed, intent on taking the pillow back and beating him over the head with it. "This is _all _your fault."

"What did _I—_OW—do?" He said, falling onto his back as I pounced onto him and tried to wretch the pillow from his hands.

"You worked your moronic magic on my mother and now she won't stop talking about you." I said, straining to reach for the pillow. "Stop abusing our height difference and give me that damn pillow so I can beat your stupid face in!"

"With a _pillow_, Rox?" He asked, laughing loudly, "I'm sure whatever she said couldn't have been _that _bad."

"She _asked _if we were using _protection_." I said through clenched teeth.

Axel sputtered and turned onto his side to bury his face in the sheets to prevent himself from laughing too loudly. I stole the pillow from his grasp and held it over his stupid head as he laughed himself to death. When it appeared he calmed down a bit, we struggled for a minute and he rolled me over so I was pinned underneath him. "Well, she's just concerned is all."

"Like _I _want to share my sex life with my mother." I stated, glaring up at him.

"At least she wants to make sure you're safe."

"That's Sora, Rikku and my mother now. Who else from my family are you going to enchant with your stupidity?"

Axel had to bite his lip to keep from laughing at the next thing that left his mouth, "Cloud."

I had to stare at him a moment and even I couldn't keep a straight face at the absurdity of it all. My façade broke and I could feel the edges of my face pulling into a smile at the thought of my older brother actually engaging in conversation with Axel at any given time. I had to cover my face with my hand to stifle my laughter.

Cloud? Willingly talking to Axel about anything besides being polite because he was a guest? Hell, they'd probably share a dynamic close to that of me and Demyx.

"Aww, don't hide the dimples." Axel said, leaning in to nudge my hand away with his nose.

I shook my head at him as he moved my hand away from my face, "You're retarded."

"Well obviously it must have been funny if you're laughing," Axel said pulling away from me after kissing my cheek. "Now, come on. We've had enough excitement for one day. Lots of cooking and more of your family await us tomorrow. Go put on your jimjams!"

"Please don't even use that word again." I said as I sat up and began removing my shirt. I pulled down my undershirt and tossed my shirt to the side, "Which bed are we sleeping in?"

"Mmm …" He looked between the two and then patted the one closer by the window. "We were in the other one last time, weren't we?"

I nodded as I removed my pants now and tossed them in the same direction of my shirt. I turned out the light and walked over to the bed as he adjusted the sheets and pulled them back for me to get in. He leaned over to turn the light over on the nightstand and motioned for me to pass him one of the mugs of hot chocolate when I finally got into bed.

"Not so bad, hm?" Axel asked looking down at me as he took a sip from his mug.

I shook my head, "No. It's okay."

"That's good."

"Yeah."

We finished off our hot chocolate in relative silence. I put our mugs on the nightstand when we were done and then turned over to turn off the light. Axel gradually moved in to spoon against me with his arms drawn protectively around my abdomen and I settled back into the curve of his torso.

Right as I was slipping off to sleep, Axel asked me, "Soooo ... did you ever give your mother an answer to that protection question?" The only answer he got from me was me bolting up, taking my pillow and slamming it down onto his stupid face.


	5. The House That Dripped Blood

**5; the house that dripped blood**

I dreamed I was drowning.

At least I think I was drowning.

My lungs were useless and I was suffocating. I was being pulled deeper into depths I could no longer decipher. The pull left me voiceless, pressing down on my throat to the point where I was silenced. I clawed at the darkness, trying to push through. I wanted to break the silence that clouded my head, my throat, and my lungs. I was being pushed away, pushed under something, toward somewhere. I felt the light dimming, the darkness overtaking me.

I was running fast, falling free.

I awoke in a cold sweat, my breathing labored and my heart thudding heavily against my ribcage. Every so often, whenever I get too worked up or I have too much on my mind, I have nightmares. I've always been prone to having them. When I was a kid, they were usually of Xemnas and as I got older they shifted into something more abstract.

The feeling I get when I have them is always the same. I'm always being pulled somewhere that I can't escape. No matter how hard I struggle, I can't get away. I guess it's my mind telling me that I need to calm down and take a breather because I'm thinking too much. But, I can't help it sometimes. A part of me has always been like this.

Axel was still sleeping when I woke up. Usually my thrashing around and whimpers are enough to wake him up. Guess not this time around. Usually when this happens, he stays up with me until I fall back to sleep. Sometimes that means lying in bed and just talking about absolute nonsense until I fall back under. Or maybe we go out on the balcony if it's warm enough, and eat sea-salt ice cream. When it gets colder, Axel usually brews this sweet mint tea he says his grandmother used to make for him back when he was a kid. Other times … it calls for sex in the middle of the night. Whatever it is, Axel—most of the time—is around to make sure I'm okay and that I go back to sleep.

I untangled myself from his arms and legs and sat up in bed. I pushed the covers off and stared off into the darkness momentarily. I looked down at my hands and noted that they were shaking slightly. I closed them and rested them on my thighs as I glanced at the clock.

_3:18AM_.

"Rox?" Axel's sleep laden voice questioned from behind me. He pressed further when I didn't answer him, "You okay?"

I nodded tiredly and rose to my feet, "Just had that nightmare again. I'm … fine. I'm just going to go downstairs for a little while, okay? Find something to drink and walk around for a bit."

"Want me to come with you?"

I turned around to look at him. He had this dopey expression on his face and I knew he was struggling to try and stay awake. I shook my head at him as I walked over to the desk by the television to retrieve my—(Axel's really. I stole it from him)—hoodie from off the chair. "No, you sleep. I'll be right back."

"You sure?" He asked, yawning loudly as he sat up in bed.

I nodded as I pulled the hoodie down over my head. "Yeah. I'll be back in a few."

"Are you _reaalllyyy_—"

I turned around to walk back over to the bed and leaned in to silence him with a quick, yet hard kiss. When I pulled away, the stupid expression on his face only seemed to grow. "Really, go back to sleep. I'll be back in a little while."

He nodded lazily at me and settled back into bed and I left the room. It was cold out in the hallway and I instinctively huddled into the hoodie as I made the trek down the hallway toward the stairwell. I chuckled to myself when I neared Sora's room and heard his snoring through the door. How I ever survived sharing a room with Sora for nearly sixteen years is still a mystery to me till this day.

After I passed his room I made my way toward the stairwell, into the main entrance, through the living room and finally to the kitchen. I was about to turn on the lights when I realized they were already set to a dim setting.

My mom was currently sitting at the bar, blond hair loose and falling over her shoulders. She eyes were focused on something. She was lost in her thoughts and unobservant to anything going on around her. She exhaled heavily as she turned her attention to a bottle of Jack Daniels sitting on the surface in front of her. She poured the amber colored liquid into a glass and set it back down, massaging one of her temples with her free hand. She sniffed at the liquid briefly and then brought her mug to her lips.

"Mom?"

I must have startled her because she nearly choked on the whiskey. She set her mug down and held onto her chest as she began to cough to clear her airways. Her eyes were wide as she turned to look at me and shook her head. "Roxas, don't _do _that to me. You nearly gave me a heart attack." She coughed again and I vaguely caught her mumbling something that sounded like, "Shit, that burns."

"Sorry." I murmured as I walked over to the counter to get her a paper towel. She accepted it and dabbed at the corners of her mouth and sighed. "What are you doing up?"

"I should be asking you the same thing, young man." She said as she crossed her legs. Her demeanor remained unchanged. "How could you leave Axel all up in that cold room by himself, hm? And what are you wearing? Aren't your feet and legs cold? Where are your pants? You're going to catch a cold, you know."

I ignored her questions as I took a seat down at the bar beside her, "I couldn't sleep."

"That makes two of us." She said, nodding her head in agreement with me.

I looked up at the bottle of Jack Daniels and turned to look at her questionably. "And this?"

She looked at the bottle and shrugged as she pushed it and her mug away. "Oh, I was just having a moment. I thought maybe I could sleep better if I had some. But … I don't really think that's the right way to go about things, huh?" She got up to put the bottle back in the liquor rack. After she put the bottle up, she turned to look at me with her hands on her hips and her head cocked to the side, "Well, why can't you sleep?"

"Nightmares." I murmured, fingering the piece of skin where I had tattooed Hayner's initials. I looked up at her as she began walking over to the fridge.

She nodded her head in understanding as she pulled the doors of the stainless steel appliance open, "Hm … you still get those, hm?"

I turned away from her and nodded slightly, "Yeah … guess I do."

"I used to hate when you got them. Nothing seemed to ever console you …" She caught herself before she went any further, "Sorry, hon. I didn't mean to bring up the past. I know how you don't like talking about it."

I folded my hands in front of me and turned to look at her again, "Do you have the ingredients for moon milk?"

"Moon milk … _moon milk_! My God, why didn't _I _think of that?" She knocked herself against the head and laughed lightly. "That's a good idea, honey. Hehe, you always were my genius child. Let's see … do we have any soy milk? We should … I could have sworn there was a full carton in here yesterday."

As my mom busied herself with obtaining the proper ingredients and getting the pans ready, I posed my question, "Why are you up?"

She sighed. There seemed to be a heavy tension she held in her shoulders as she let them drop down and turned around to look at me from where she stood by the stove. In the dim light of the kitchen, our eyes met for the briefest moment. There was pain in her face, I could see it from the way her eyes creased slightly as she looked away from me and began stirring the bubbling pot in front of her.

"Why am I up? …It's a long story, Roxas."

"Well … I'll listen."

She sighed again and shook her head, "I just really hate this house." She murmured, looking up at the ceiling. "I've always hated this house. I don't like it, never did. I don't know why your father seems to like it here so much. This place has always felt empty … like we didn't belong here. It was never home." She tilted her head down and surveyed the kitchen briefly, "It's nice … but this just isn't what I wanted." She turned back to the pot so that her back was to me, "I'm sorry, Roxas. I'm just …I'm a bit overwhelmed is all. Having all of you here with me tonight couldn't have made me happier … but I just think about everything that we've been though as a family and I wonder … I just wonder about so much, hon." Her shoulders were tightening again.

"Mom?"

"I'm sorry, Roxas. I'm rambling here …" She sighed, "It's just that this house feels so big at times. And it just gets to be so lonely here. I mean, it's just me and your father and he's usually gone half the time so I'm mostly here by myself. I just look back sometimes and wonder where in the world did the time go?" She looked over her shoulder at me, "To believe Cloud's already given me grandchildren … I still can't wrap my mind around that."

"I don't think any of us can." I muttered in return.

She laughed lightly and turned back to the pot, "Your brother owns his own restaurant in the city, Rikku's involved in fashion like she wanted to be and you …" She turned around to look at me, her blue eyes softening at the edges, "Roxas, you were the one I always worried about the most. To see you how you are now compared to how you were not too long ago …" My mother turned away from me as a hand flew to her eyes. I could tell she was trying not to cry from the break I heard in her voice, "I'm just so glad you're okay now. Three … was it three? Three years ago I thought we were going to lose you and now … you're still here with us, and … and … baby …"

I immediately reached for a few tissues out of the tissue box next to the bar, got off my seat and walked over to where my mother was rubbing furiously at her eyes, "Mom..."

"I'm fine, I'm fine." She sniffed, accepting the tissue from me, "I told myself I wouldn't do this. Oh God …did I just burn the moon milk?" She checked the flame and stirred the pot some more to make sure the milky substance wasn't sticking to the bottom, "Okay, it's fine." She turned to look up at me, "I'm sorry."

"Mom, don't apologize." I said, crossing my arms over my chest, "I get it. Or … at least I understand somewhat of what you're saying."

She blew her nose into the tissue and looked up at me, "Can you get some mugs out the cabinet for me, please? The moon milk should be ready by now."

I did as she said, pulling down a sea green mug for me and a pale pink mug for her. She poured the milky concoction into my mug and then tipped some into hers. She put the rest of it in a glass jar and put it into the refrigerator as I carried our mugs over to the bar.

She shuffled her way back over to the bar to sit beside me, "Does it taste okay? It's been awhile since I last made this."

I took a sip and then nodded at her, "Same as always."

"That's good." She sat down and took a sip out of her mug. A smile came to her face a few minutes later as she tried to crack a small joke, "Better than the JD, huh?"

"Definitely," I answered, returning her smile with a small one of my own.

She sighed heavily and crumpled up her used tissue in her free hand, "I'm sorry I'm like this …" She shook her head, "I shouldn't be thinking like this with all of you around me like this. I should be happy, right? But … it's … I think that's the trigger for what's going through my mind right now." She looked toward the windows that faced the backyard, "Roxas. Things with your father haven't been going so well."

"Health wise?" I asked, raising my eyebrows curiously. "Or … is it something else?"

She took a deep breath and was silent for a moment. When she finally did speak, she turned to look me directly in the eyes. "I never planned on keeping this a secret from you and your brothers and sister. I would tell …" She trailed off and shook her head as she corrected herself, "_We _would tell the four of you eventually. When we felt like the time was right … but …"

"But …?" I prompted her, expecting her to continue.

"You father and I are getting a divorce." She said, holding eye contact with me briefly before looking away. She tapped the side of her mug and then lowered her gaze and shook her head, "That's the real reason he isn't with us tonight and that's why your aunts are here with me right now. They're about the only people who officially know right now … besides you of course." She turned to look at me, "Hon?"

My mind was … blank.

My parents … well … somewhere … in the back of my mind … I always thought something like this was a possibility. I never thought too much about it, but now that I was faced with it I don't know what I was supposed to feel. Shock? Anger? Denial? Just what exactly?

I looked up at my mother's expectant gaze. Her hands were gripping her mug tightly as if she anticipated some sort of out lash from me. Her eyes were wide and concerned as if she were preparing for the worst. I brought my mug up to my lips and drank heavily. The moon milk was still as warm and sweet as I remember. When I set my mug back down on the bar I turned to look at her.

"…Why?"

She was quiet while she began to gather her thoughts. "Roxas, I married your father because I got pregnant out of wedlock with your brother, Cloud." She began to tap her nails along the bar, "When we met, I was twenty three. I was, if you will, at the top of my game back then. Movie roles, modeling jobs, magazine spreads, endorsement deals … you name it; I more than likely had it. But I wanted something more. I wanted … I needed love." She shook her head, "I craved it. I sought after it. I fought for it. I wanted it so badly, Roxas."

She stopped her tapping and began to bite at the skin on her pinky finger, "When I was growing up, I never felt like I had anyone who would love me no matter what I chose to do with my life. My parents… your grandparents … they came to New York from Russia to start a new life … but … they had a hard time letting go of their old ways. They thought what I wanted to do was a waste of time. Not once did they ever tell me that they loved me. They were cold people. Always working, always scolding and admonishing me for what I did or what I wanted to do. I can look back on it now and see the sacrifice they made … but at what cost, Roxas? Alienating their only daughter? Pushing her away to the point that she resented them?" She asked.

"That's …terrible, mom."

My mother continued, "The only time I ever heard either one of them tell me that they loved me was when my mother was on her death bed. I was … about your age. They were involved in a horrible hit and run that killed your grandfather instantly. I got to the hospital just before your grandmother passed …"

She took a sip from her mug and flexed her fingers, "After that, I threw myself into work. I met your father at a charity event to raise money for cancer research. Anyway, it didn't matter to me that he was eight years my senior; there was something about him that I … was looking for. Something that I appreciated? Yearned for?" She lowered her gaze to her mug, "We married within a year. It wouldn't have been _proper _for me to deliver a child out of wedlock. Status was always such a heavy thing for your father and his family. Never mind the fact that I was so much younger than him, if it ever got out that I was pregnant out of wedlock … well …"

"Why him of all people?" I asked.

She looked startled by my question and then pensive, "He was charming in the beginning … up until when the four of you were still really little. As time went on he just … got worse. He was always working, always stressed. His temper has always been one of his many vices. I blame it on the way his own father used to treat him. Like most everyone in this world, your father has a lot of scars from his life. There are some things that he won't even tell _me _about. Then again, we all have stuff like that in our lives, don't we?"

"Guess so."

"Mmm," She nodded, "Yes, the circumstances under which we married may have not been the best. It was a shotgun marriage by all respects. But, it didn't mean I loved your father any less. I still do … it's just that … I'm not _in _love with him anymore." She grimaced slightly, "I can't say I'm innocent either … I know I'm not. I did some things that should have prompted this divorce to come sooner … but we had to stay together for the four of you at least." She looked like she was on the verge of tears again when she looked at me. Or maybe she was trying to plead with me. "Roxas? Can you forgive me?"

"For what?" I asked, frowning slightly.

"Do … do you remember Xemnas?"

"As if I could forget."

"Roxas. Please." She pleaded, reaching over and placing her hand over mine, "I know what he did to you, and I know … I know it's my fault that I didn't see it sooner or report it when I knew what was happening. But, in those times, I … I'm not perfect, honey.

"I know you had an affair with Xemnas." I said, looking at her trembling hand.

"So you know…" She said. It was more of a statement than a question.

I was silent for a long time to try and gather my thoughts before I spoke. My mother was turning into an emotional wreck right in front of her eyes and if I could reassure her of something … anything … then right now would be the time.

"Mom, I'm trying not to live in the past anymore and you shouldn't either. I understand that you were lonely. Xemnas was around when you had no one else besides us … so I can understand why you went to him. It doesn't make it right. And, I can admit that the thought of it does enrage me to some degree, but that's in the past. The thing that matters most to me is that when you knew what he was doing to me, you not only kept him away from me but Sora, Rikku and Cloud, too, remember?"

"Yes, but …"

I shook my head, "Your choice to do what you did with Xemnas isn't for me to judge. It's between you and … our father. As for what he did to me and how you handled the situation … it was enough for me that you did what you did. I don't know how I would have handled it if the authorities got involved ... I mean, while I was still that young, at least."

"I should have, Roxas. I _should _have. With everything that he did to you and I didn't know? And then when I _did _find out, I didn't do anything! How can … how can you justify any of that?"

"Didn't you ask me to forgive you just now?" I asked her. Her gaze went down to her mug and she grew pensive, "And you _did _do something. You put me into therapy with Ansem, remember? You made sure I went when no one else did. You were there and you were always supportive. Mom. You _always _believed me when no one else did. You aren't perfect. And I don't want you to be. You have faults just like everyone else." I looked down at my own mug, "The important thing was that you protected us where it mattered. Yes, you did get help from outside sources from time to time … but for the majority of the time, you were on your own." I folded my arms over my chest, "I wouldn't necessarily consider a fading figure you see on the weekend for four hours someone who raised me, now would you?"

"I can hear the bitterness in your voice, son." My mother pushed her mug away and turned to look at me as I stood up from my seat by the bar, "And I know that your relationship with your father still bothers you. Just because this divorce is on its way to happening, doesn't mean the two of you can't fix your relationship, you know that, right?"

"What relationship did we ever have?"

"You make a valid point." She stood up and grabbed her empty mug as well as mine and walked over to the sink to wash them, "You know, your father used to tell me that I was always working against him when you, Sora, Cloud and Rikku were growing up. I never tried to argue with him but it was just so hard not to sometimes. He was just … so angry at times and he would never open up as to why. I knew he held repressed anger for his own father and the things that he could never do because of him … but … but I thought why wouldn't he want to change that with his own children? I don't know, Roxas. I don't have all the answers." She turned around to look at me, "But, this is between him and I. Yes, all of you will be affected to some degree. It's natural seeing as you _are _our children … but don't think for a moment that any of you were the cause of this." She sighed deeply and gazed up at the clock overhead, "How did it get to be nearly four in the morning?"

I glanced at the clock too and then lowered my gaze to my mother again, "Do you feel like you can sleep now?"

"Yeah …" She said as she turned away from the clock and turned to look at me, "I think so. Talking things out always seems to make me tired. What about you? Feeling any better?"

"I guess," I replied as I shrugged dismissively, "I just needed to get out of bed for a little while is all …"

"Hm," My mother nodded her head in understand, "Roxas?"

"Yes?"

"Never ..." She paused briefly, "Roxas, never doubt the love that people have for you. I want you to remember that. Always." A smile began to unfurl over her face. She walked over to me and proceeded to envelope me in a hug, "I may have not done have always done the right thing by you … or maybe the best thing, but I'm always going to try, all right? I'll always love you no matter what, you hear me?"

"Mom." I started as if telling her to stop right there. I didn't need her to start crying on me again. I understood what she was trying to get at, but I didn't want her to get all emotional again when it seemed like she had finally calmed down.

"What?" She asked as she pulled away from me. "Don't _mom_, me. I'm being serious here, young man."

"I am, too." I replied, "I just don't want you to start up again."

"And what if I do?" She asked, leaning forward with her arms crossed over her chest. She grinned at me, and hit my shoulder jokingly. "At any rate, I'm glad we had this talk tonight. Guess I came down here for a reason, hm?"

"Yeah." I said nodding at her. "Ready?"

She nodded and I followed her as she led the way out of the kitchen and back upstairs. We stopped by Sora's room, where she jabbed a finger at the door and whispered to me, "Your brother is still a notorious snorer, huh?" I shrugged and nodded slightly. She had to stifle her laughter with the back of her hand.

Instead of dropping me off at my room, I walked to her room where she hugged me briefly, kissed me on the cheek and told me goodnight. After seeing that she was settled, I headed back to my room prepared to go to sleep. Axel, however, was up and watching something on TV. Rather, the television was watching him. He seemed to be preoccupied with his phone at the moment.

"What are you doing up?" I asked as I closed the door behind me.

"Couldn't sleep." He replied.

"Must be an epidemic in this house." I removed the hoodie I was wearing and threw it on the back of the chair. "What's the matter? Can't sleep without me?"

Axel stopped messing around with his phone and shifted his attention to me. His eyes were eerily vibrant in the dim light of the muted television, "Are you teasing me?" He asked, raising one eyebrow in amusement.

"Maybe." I said as I walked back over to the bed and he shifted over so I had room to get in. I looked at the television and frowned at what I saw, "Or do you need to get your rocks off?"

He peered over his phone and at the pornography on the television, "_That _just came on. I didn't turn to it. I happened to be watching Shop Erotic before this, thank you very much."

"Were they advertising the _Make Your Own Dildo_ kit again?"

"Yup." Axel said, tapping away on his phone again, "And I bought it, too."

"You _didn't_." I looked down at him in disbelief.

"_I did."_ Axel answered back, his infamous shit eating grin unfurling on his face. "It's for when I'm away on the road and you don't have the actual thing around to satisfy you." He bit his lip to keep himself from laughing as he looked at me, "Plus, with this, you won't have to use _protection_."

"I'm going to make sure you starve tomorrow." I said monotonously as I reached over for the remote on the night stand and turned the television off. The room was engulfed in darkness, save for the light coming from Axel's phone. "And then run you over with the car. _Multiple times_. And then I'll set you on fire and make sure no one every finds your stupid body."

"I'm definitely interpreting that as a, 'Thank you, Axel', to which I will reply, you're welcome, Roxas."

"Go die." I said, rolling onto my side and turning away from him.

I felt his arms snake around my abdomen a few seconds later and he buried his face into my hair, "Feeling better, I see."

"Shut up and go to sleep." I replied, closing my eyes. "I'll tell you about it in the morning."

I could feel him grinning into my neck and tightening his hold around me. "Night, Roxy."

"Night, retard."

"Now, you see … that's not fair. I may have used a stupid nickname—"

"Goodnight, _Axel_."

"See? Was that so hard?"

"Yes. Now shut up and go to sleep."

"Not until you ask me—OW." I elbowed him in the stomach and he hunched over, removing one of his arms from around me to rub at his abdomen.

"_Go_ to **sleep**."

-x-

After the nightmare from last night, I was greeted with a rather _nice _dream when I fell asleep again. Aside from the extreme stupidity of it all—(Axel was a princess trapped in a tower. I was a prince on a giant white steed assigned to save him. You put two and two together and guess what direction the dream took.)—I was just about to get to the best part when …

"Roxas?"

Rikku happened.

It never fucking failed in this house. If I was sleeping, someone wanted me awake. If I was awake, someone wanted me to do something. If I was doing something, someone would want me to do something else. Someone always seemed to want me at every possible moment. How the _hell _did they function without me?

She knocked on the door again, "_Roxas_!"

I groaned as I blindly patted around on the bed for Axel. In a perfect world, Axel would have been right where I needed him. However, this _isn't _a perfect world and five bucks says that Axel would be somewhere to make this situation either ten times better or ten times worse.

I was opting for ten times worse this morning when I felt an all too familiar wet, warm and pulling sensation coming from between my legs. I promptly covered my mouth with both my hands and my eyes shot open. I tried to move but there was a weight settled down over a good portion of my lower half.

I tried to slide myself from out from his hold, but Axel held fast to my thighs and hips. I could make out the shape of his head under the sheets and I flailed my legs when he didn't let me go. "Ax—el, it's too … early for this …"

"Your body certainly doesn't think so." Was his smug reply from under the covers as he paused momentarily, "You were poking me all morning. Had some nice dreams, hm?"

"Screw you."

"We can do that next if you want." He replied and he was on me again.

_KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK._

"Roxas! Roxaasss! _ROXAS_! Are you up?"

I fell back onto the bed, still covering my hands with my mouth and desperately trying to tune out the incessant knocking on the door. I hate Axel. I hate Rikku. I hate this house. I hate everyone that disrupts my sleep on any given morning. I hate how everyone seems to always need me at the most inconvenient time. I hate everything. Hate, hate, hate.

**KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. **

"ROXAS! I'm going to break this damn door down if you don't answer me!" She began turning the knob on the door only to find it locked. "**ROXAS**!"

I felt a distinctive piece of barbed jewelry brush against me and I immediately lost it. I instinctively started rolling my hips in tandem with Axel, but he still didn't pick up the pace. I began to tug on a bunch of sheets with my left hand and covered my face with my right arm.

"ROX—"

"GOOD GOD—**RIKKU**—GO THE FUCK **AWAY**!"

She grew silent for a few minutes and then she exploded.

"_WHAT_ **WAS** _**THAT**_? DON'T MAKE ME GET MOM ON YOU. I'LL DO IT, DAMMIT. I'LL GO GET SORA'S OLD LACROSSE STICK AND BREAK THIS DAMN DOOR DOWN AND BEAT YOUR HEAD IN AND—WHAT? _MOM_, HE JUST CURSED AT ME! … WELL YOU TOLD ME TO WAKE THEM UP AND I—NO. …NO, FINE." Her voice lowered and she sounded normal for once, "_Roxas_. Mom wants to **know** if you and Axel want _breakfast_."

"Tell her I'm already having it," Axel murmured.

"Yes, dammit! Tell her yes! Tell her we want breakfast!" I squeezed his stupid head between my legs and began to try and pull away from him again. He held fast still and picked up the pace. I opened my eyes to stare at the ceiling and covered my mouth to prevent the whimper building in my throat from escaping my lips.

"Sheesh," Rikku mumbled, "Was that _so _hard?"

"You certainly are." Axel hummed. I could practically _feel _him grinning.

I kicked at him, "_YES_. NOW **GO **AWAY!"

"SEE, this is EXACTLY why I didn't ask nicely." Rikku grumbled. When I didn't reply for a long time she banged on the door and groaned, "YOU AND AXEL BETTER NOT BE SCREWING IN THERE!" I didn't even bother to reply, "**EW!** You _are, _aren't you?"

"RIKKU!" I heard my mom's voice ringing out loud, sharp and clear from downstairs. Even I flinched at the sharpness of her tone. "GET DOWN HERE. _NOW!_"

"_Fine_!" Rikku shouted right back, "I don't understand the people in this family. You ask me to wake them up and …"

Her voice faded away as she headed downstairs to see what our mother wanted and finally left me and Axel alone. Just as Rikku left, he finished me off and the entire bottom half of my body had turned to rubber in the aftermath. He pulled himself from under the sheets and came to rest at my side.

"Well that was eventful."

I took one look at him before throwing a pillow at his face and headed for the bathroom. I made sure to slam and lock the door behind me. Damn idiot. Damn shower. Damn Rikku. Damn mom wanted to know if me and Axel wanted breakfast. Damn unable to sleep properly. Damn waking up from that ... well… Axel did take care of what the dream would have lead to in reality. …Somewhat. Anyway, once I was done with my shower I threw my towel at Axel and told him to get in there.

After I stepped out of our room, I found the house to be an absolute circus that morning. Sora and Tifa were currently cooking breakfast under the watchful eye of my mother, who was also preoccupied with instructing Rikku on how to feed Marlene. Cloud was also seated at the table beside my mother while he looked over the paper and Yuna was sitting next to Rikku with a highly amused expression on her face as she watched Rikku struggling to feed Marlene. Riku was tending to the dogs, who were—of course—making a mess of the food that he had currently given to them. My aunts had stepped out to go to the grocery store for a little bit to get some extra stuff for dinner and would probably be returning in a little while.

"Maarrleennee, woo! Wooshhh. Look at auntie Rikkkuu! That's right, look here. And innn you go." She waved a spoon around in front of Marlene's face and was poised to push the spoon into Marlene's mouth, but Marlene just sputtered and refused to take it. Rikku frowned, "Why isn't she taking it?"

"You can't just force the baby to eat, Rikku." Yuna said, grinning. "It's a process."

"Yuna's right," My mom began laughing herself. She was currently trying to burp Denzel, "Try it again."

"I've tried it _three _times already." Rikku said, looking away from my niece and back to my mother.

"This is a first, it's usually Denzel who fusses about what he eats," Tifa commented over from the stove.

Cloud shrugged his shoulders as he flipped through another page in the newspaper, "They're interchangeable sometimes."

Rikku sighed in aggravation and turned to the arch where she caught sight of me and Axel entering the kitchen, "Well, _look_ who finally decided to show up." She commented as she placed the spoon she was holding on a napkin next to her, "You two get _enough _sleep?"

"Sure did," Axel answered cheerfully as he entered the kitchen before me and walked in the direction of the table. He took a seat near my mother after he told everyone good morning.

I resisted the urge to tell Axel to shut up, so I turned to Rikku and diverted my attention to her instead, "Good morning to you, too." I replied dryly. I directed a much more heartfelt good morning to everyone else in the room.

"I know! How about we get _Roxas _to try and feed her?" Rikku asked as she got out of her seat. Before I could get away she was already latching onto my arm and dragging me over to the table to sit down. I sighed as she thrust the spoon in my hand and pointed at Marlene who was currently babbling away, "Go on."

I pulled my chair up beside where Marlene's carrier had been propped up in the seat across from her. Marlene looked at me curiously and started kicking her legs happily when I neared her. "What is this anyway?"

"Rice cereal." Cloud commented, looking up briefly from his paper.

"Yum." My mom said, grinning widely as she ran her hand up and down Denzel's back.

"Ew." Rikku said, wrinkling her nose.

I dipped the spoon into the bowl on the table, leaned forward and poised the spoon in front of Marlene's mouth. She looked at me curiously and eventually opened her mouth slightly so that I could push the spoon in and she took in a portion of the rice cereal.

"See, Roxas gets it." My mom commented, looking up at Rikku.

"How the hell can _you _get her to eat and _I _can't?" Rikku asked, hands on her hips and looking at me in disbelief. "I'm a girl! I'm supposed to have maternal instincts and all that shit!"

"_Language._" Cloud said, glancing up at Rikku.

"Maybe Roxas is hiding something from you, Rikku." Axel replied amusedly.

Axel was _so _lucky my family was around right now, "Go die."

"Roxas." My mother said, turning to me. "Is that anyway to talk to Axel?"

"He started it." I muttered

"Jeez," My mother said, standing up from her seat after she had gotten Denzel to burp. She put him back in his carrier where he flailed around briefly as she got him situated, "I'm beginning to wonder if my children ever really grew up."

"I did!" Sora chimed excitedly from the sink, "Right, Riku?"

Riku looked like he was about to answer but Rikku interjected before he could get a word out, "Shut up turtle boy." She snapped as she walked out of the kitchen.

"Someone's jealous." Sora commented as he stuck a tongue out at Rikku's retreating form.

My aunts returned from the store shortly after Tifa and Sora had finished breakfast. Speaking of, Sora and Tifa had really outdone themselves with breakfast. Sora—as always—tends to overcook whenever a large group of people get together and this morning was no different. Between the clatter of dishes and voices, the dining room was loud.

Maybe when I was a kid, I could remember holidays being like this. My father was vacant, yes, but I remember he was there from time to time. My grandmother, Yumi, and grandfather, Gent, before he passed, would come over. So would Yuna with Hiromi and her father, Braska, before he died. Saoko was a hit and miss. She was always traveling or away in some foreign country doing something obscure.

But when she was here, she'd always come over too.

It was loud … and big and I guess you can say … happy … just like now. I suppose I never looked at the good in this situation. It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all great either. More bad than good, but we had some semblance of normality at times. …Of joy?

I watched my mother from the far end of the table. She was always smiling, a far cry from her emotional state from last night. When she caught my eye, she grinned at me and nodded. I managed to smile slightly at her. I don't know if she planned on telling anyone about what we had discussed last night. To be honest, now wasn't the place and time and I knew she knew that. What was said last night was just between her and me at the time. But why me?

I could think of a few things. For one, I wouldn't react in the emotional way that Sora or Rikku probably would. Sora would probably get silent for a little while and insist that things would pan out positively even though they were possibly headed for the worst. Rikku would be the worst. My sister, often at times, is ruled by her emotions. Whatever she feels in the moment is what she exudes outwardly to others. Unless she's trying to hide her insecurities, which is something that she does more than she realizes.

Cloud … I don't know about him. My brother is calm but not in the way that I am. Cloud carries a lot of weight on his shoulders and he won't let others in until you try really hard to crack his shell. I suppose as the oldest it's normal that he carries a great burden, but at the same time he never opens up to let others share it with him.

And myself? I won't freak out like Rikku, I won't hold onto false optimism like Sora and I won't completely shut myself off emotionally like Cloud. Essentially, I'll take things as they are and accept them. I suppose that's why she chose me. Well, besides being conveniently placed as we were last night.

Axel seemed to nudge me out of my thoughts before I went too far into this whole thing. He looked at me questioningly when he saw the dazed look—I assume—on my face and I mouthed to him, "Later."

After breakfast, there was cooking. My mother cooking with Tifa, Tifa cooking with Sora, Sora cooking with my mom ... Sora almost burning the turkey. Then there was Sora begging me to play video games, pushing Sora away when he physically tried to lift me up and put me on the couch to play video games, Axel trapping me into playing video games and finally kicking Sora _and _Axel's ass at video games.

Don't forget the screaming babies. Rikku failing to feed Marlene part two, Cloud and Tifa showing Rikku how to properly feed Marlene and Denzel, Marlene spitting rice cereal at Rikku and laughing about it, and then Rikku getting pissed off and swearing off having children. There was also a time I took a break from my insane family to have sex with Axel. This, of course, was followed by Rikku banging on the door and yelling for us to stop screwing each other. Cue mom yelling at Rikku to leave us alone once again.

Finally, dinner was pretty much the same as breakfast with the same loud atmosphere. I didn't mind it too much though, it was kind of nice. My mother also kept true to her word and tried to fatten Axel up. She made sure he ate insane amounts of everything to the point where he was groaning on the couch from eating too much and she was still campaigning on getting him to eat more.

After dinner ended, it was time to wrap things up and head back to the city. Cloud and Tifa were staying another night. Riku and Sora had to get back down into the city because Sora had to get down to Crimson Jazz the next morning and Riku had some photography stuff to attend to.

While Sora, Axel and Riku packed up, I lingered behind to talk to my mother for a little while. Rikku was outside helping Yuna and our aunts do the same. Cloud and Tifa were in the kitchen with the twins.

"You'll be okay, right?" I asked her as we watched everyone packing up from the entryway.

She nodded her head as she drew her shawl tightly over her shoulders, "Yes." She began.

"When he comes back, is he coming here?" I asked.

She shook her head, "Most likely he's going to stay in the city for some time."

I grew pensive for a moment, "How come Cloud doesn't know about any of this?"

"Your brother is currently on a bit of hiatus—if you will—from the company since Marlene and Denzel were born." She said, "Or at least, that's what your father told me. Cloud really hasn't been around there much. It might be awhile before he returns, actually."

I nodded. It made sense. Tifa couldn't take care of the twins as they were alone. At least, not now. I turned to my mom, "You'll call if you need anything right?"

She looked a bit startled and then turned to look at me. Her eyes crinkled slightly at the edge as she nodded her head, "Of course, hon." She replied, "And I trust you'll do the same?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

"ROXAS! We're REAAADDYYY!" Sora called from the car and waved at me. Axel looked like he was about to pass out in the passenger side. I was driving back seeing as he was still out of commission after my mother's force feeding during dinner.

"Well," She began reaching out her arms to hug me. "Stay safe, okay? And be good … and look after one another … and remember what I told you last night."

I entered her embrace and nodded, "I will. I love you, mom."

She squeezed me tightly in response and then kissed me on the cheek as I turned to go. "I love you, too."

-x-

The moment we stepped into the apartment, I wanted to collapse into bed. Axel dropped our bags by the door and popped the lock on Soro's kennel so she could get out and run about. He stretched, pressing his fingers into the muscles in his back.

"Tired?" Axel asked, glancing toward me as I made my way over to the couch and flopped over onto it so that my legs hung over the shoulder.

"You guessed it." I replied, closing my eyes.

He yawned loudly, "Same. It's been an eventual couple of days, hm?" He sat down beside me and stretched his legs out in front of him as he rested his head along the head of the couch. "So, now that we're alone … wanna tell me what happened last night when you went downstairs?"

I rolled over onto my side and opened my eyes, "I ran into my mother."

"That's why it took you so long to come back upstairs?"

"Yeah," I said, "We ended up talking."

"About what?"

I rolled over onto my back and looked up at Axel. He looked down at me when he realized I had grown quiet. "They're getting a divorce."

"Your parents?" He asked, sitting up and giving me his full attention now.

I nodded wordlessly and looked away from him. My eyes landed on Soro, who was currently chewing on one of her mangled stuffed toys.

"Do you think that's why Sora wanted all of you to go up there?"

I shook my head, "My mom told me that I'm the only one that knows. Then again, maybe Cloud knows something is up." I inhaled and exhaled deeply as I covered my hands with my face, "Axel, although she's trying to hide it, she's an emotional wreck right now. I could see glimpses of it last night. She went from being on the verge of breaking down to finding something to joke about in a heartbeat. I don't even know if she got out all that she wanted to tell me last night."

"…Did she say why?"

"She said it was something that was coming for a long time now. It's not like I didn't see it." I murmured, "She told me some stuff last night that I didn't even know about. Like, the main reason she married my father was because she conceived Cloud out of wedlock … or that her parents never … were never …" I sighed as I was unable to get the words out, "History only seems to repeat itself."

"Yeah … it does." Axel nodded in agreement, "How're you feeling about all of this?"

"I'm realizing my family likes to keep a lot of secrets." I began, "And … ultimately this lies between my mother and father. Cloud will be fine, Sora might freak out for a bit … the person I'm really worried about is Rikku."

"Heh, you think yours is the only one?" Axel asked, shrugging his shoulders, "And yeah, your sister … seems to be a bit off these days. Did you talk to her yet?"

I shook my head, "No. She kept avoiding me."

"So she can knock on the door all morning and scream at you but when you want to talk she avoids you like the plague. Sheesh, what do you think is wrong?"

I shrugged, "Could be anything. I'll call her soon and we can set something up."

"If she doesn't avoid you, that is."

"Oh, I'll _make _her see me if it comes to that. I have Paine's number for a reason."

"You _really _like getting your way, don't you?" I could hear the mirth in Axel's voice.

"How long have you known me?"

"Feels like my whole life sometimes to tell you the truth…" He peered down at me when I grew silent, "Okay, I'll stop before I make you blush yourself to death."

I sighed loudly, "At _any _rate … I'm fine. Or I'll be fine. Something tells me my mother's going to need me … all of us … a lot more in the weeks to come. But, I'll be there when the time comes."

"...What about your father?"

I pushed myself up so that my back was to Axel and he couldn't read my expression, "Can you please stop asking about him? I don't want to talk about him, alright?"

"Alright, alright …" He waved at me as I pushed myself off the couch and stood up, "Going to bed?"

"Yeah." I replied, "You?"

"Gonna stay up for a little bit." Axel said as he began rolling his shoulders, "Got some business that I have to attend to."

"Band stuff?"

"You guessed it, babe."

I walked around the back of the couch, "Don't stay up too late." I murmured just as I leaned down to kiss him on the cheek as he leaned back to meet me halfway.

"I won't." He replied, "Now go get some sleep." I pulled away from him and was halfway out of the living and walking toward the hallway that lead to our bedroom when he called to me, "Hey, Rox?"

"Yes?" I asked, poised at the edge of the hallway.

"Your mom." He began, "…I can really tell she loves you. It was nice, you know … to see it." He trailed off as if he didn't know what else to say. I couldn't exactly place where this was coming from, but from the look on his face it looked like he had been thinking about this a lot, "I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is that … with all the shit you've gone through with your family … it was nice to see something like that. Something on the other side of anger and hate, you know?"

I turned away from him so he couldn't see my face, "Looking back on it, she was the one who primarily raised me." I bit at my lip, "I feel like I owe her a lot."

"Hm…" Axel replied noncommittally. It seemed like he was still lost in his thoughts.

"I'll …see you in the morning, Axel." I said. "Goodnight."

I barely heard him wish me a goodnight as I continued down the hallway.


	6. Happy Hell

**6; happy hell**

My chest was heavy, my stomach was in complete knots and I had this unsettling feeling in my throat that I couldn't swallow down. It was quiet in the loft—too quiet for my liking.

Instinctively, I rolled over on my side and hoped that I'd roll into Axel's backside, but his side of the bed was vacant. The sheets were cold… how long had he been gone for? I sighed as I pulled myself into a sitting position and surveyed the room. The door to the bathroom was open and the light was off. I glanced toward the bedroom door and found that it was also open.

"Axel?"

I called once but I got no response. I waited a minute or two before I called again.

"Axel!"

No response except for Soro running excitedly into the room. Begrudgingly, I rolled myself out of bed and walked out of the bedroom with Soro at my heels. After doing a once over of the entire apartment, I turned my attention to the last place I hadn't checked. In the kitchen I found about a good ten or so post it notes spread out all over the refrigerator. I sighed in vague irritation. Seriously, was it so hard to find a piece of paper and tape?

_Hey babe, at the studio with Zex and Dem for most of the day. Be back tonight. Made you some pancakes. By time your narcoleptic ass gets up they should be getting cold in the microwave—nuke those shits and eat them! Call me if you go into your usual fit of lovable hysterics. Texting is probably better. Whatever. You know the deal. _

_P.S. Skyline. 36 West 37th Street, 3rd Floor_

I couldn't get mad at him when I saw what was underneath all the notes.

_LOVE YOU : )!_

Each individual letter took up one post it note and they were spread out underneath his other notes. I felt my frown fading away from my face and sighed in endearment. I pressed a few buttons on the microwave to heat up the pancakes and headed back to our bedroom to retrieve my phone.

When my phone loaded up, my cheeks went hot at the current display. Axel … had changed the background on my fucking phone again. I quickly went about changing it to its generic background and then found his number in my contacts.

_You owe me a new pad of post its. And STOP changing the background on my phone.  
10:03AM_

I walked back over to the microwave after the timer beeped and popped the door open. After drenching the pancakes in syrup—I only started eating them like this since I started living with Axel—I walked over to the living room and sat down in front of the television with my plate of pancakes balanced on my lap. Soro had jumped up onto the couch and cuddled up beside me. My phone vibrated when I was halfway through an episode of paternity tests on Maury.

_Axel_

_Done_.  
_10:37AM_

Two seconds later my phone vibrated again and I choked on my orange juice when I saw what he sent me.

_Axel_

_What about this one? Gotta million of them, you know?  
10:37AM_

I furiously texted him back.

_One of these days, I'm seriously going to sue you for harassment.  
10:38AM_

He responded soon after.

_Axel_

_: )  
10:38AM_

I ignored any further comments from Axel as I finished my pancakes and went back to lazing about on the couch. When what was on the television no longer held my attention, I stretched out on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling with my hands folded over my stomach. The feeling I had earlier this morning was starting to come back to me and it would be pointless for me to try and shake it off. I didn't know if I could at the moment, it was whatever. I didn't want to think about it at the moment.

I said I was okay, and I was. But just because I'm okay doesn't mean my mind is going to shut up and stop going off like it always does. I shut my eyes and inhaled deeply. Just as I did, my phone started to vibrate. Groaning, I reached over my head to feel around for my phone and brought it front of my face to see who was calling me. My eyebrows instantly rose when I saw the name, flashing across the screen.

"Hello?"

"Are you busy?"

"Whatever happened to _hello_, Rikku?"

"Shut up, are you busy?"

I pulled my phone from my ear, looked at it and hit the end button. My phone vibrated two seconds later. Let's try this again.

"Hello."

"_Good morning_, Roxas. Are you _busy_, today?"

"Was that so hard?"

I could hear her muttering under her breath, "Answer the question, please?"

"Well since you used your manners this time, I guess I can give you the information you want." I shrugged my shoulders dismissively, "If you must know, no, I'm not."

"What are you doing right now?"

"Lying on my couch with Soro watching paternity results on Maury."

"…Seriously, Roxas? Do you _have _a life? Don't you have school or something? Or any friends for that matter?"

I hung up on her again. She called back again.

"Stop hanging up on me!"

"Mind what you say."

"Look, whatever! Are you busy? Right now? No? Yes?"

"No, I'm not."

"Okay! Good! I'm coming over, then!"

"I'll have you know, I'm not Cloud. You can't come waltzing into my apartment whenever you feel like it, Rikku."

"Shut up. You know you love me and as your favorite little sister it's my job to terrorize you, Cloud and Sora. That's what little sister's do. Been doing it my whole life. You should know this by now."

"You're my _only _little sister. And I think we already had this discussion yesterday and the day before."

"Shut up. Get decent if you already aren't! I'll be over in about twenty minutes!"

She hung up before I could even respond and I sighed as I set my phone off to the side and ran my hands through my hair. Well, I did say I wanted to talk to her, didn't I?

Sighing, I pulled myself off the couch and headed for my closet to find a pair of jeans. I swear, if there was one thing I hated about living with Axel, it was his inability to keep _anything _neat. He wasn't a slob or anything, it was just that … for lack of a better word, Axel infected things. It was like he was marking his territory with the disorder he kept in the apartment.

The closet for example? Most of his clothes barely stayed on the hangers. They littered the floor of the walk in closet. So much so, you could barely see the hardwood floor of the closet. We tried to establish our designated sides of the closet, keeping mine on the right, his on the left. Then there was the top and bottom fiasco where all of his stuff had migrated from the top of the closet to the bottom within two days of us organizing it. Apparently, that's how he finds things. I don't know. I've given up trying to fix the stupid closet.

I didn't even bother to take off my pajama pants as I slipped into a pair of jeans and then went into the bathroom to try and do something with my hair and brush my teeth. I checked my phone to see Rikku texted me that she was leaving Paine's apartment and she'd be to me shortly. I threw on sneakers and a hoodie and headed for the downstairs lobby.

I lingered around the windows of the lobby for awhile with my arms crossed as I watched cars and people passing back and forth and looked for any signs of my sister.

"Do you need assistance, Roxas?"

I instantly glanced over my shoulder and in the direction of the voice. It was Auron, our door man. He was this gruff, no nonsense type of guy who didn't talk much. He isn't what I would call social—much like myself—but I feel like he's always watched over me since Axel and I moved into the building.

Most of the time, it's nothing. It'll be little things, such as a heads up about the weather or something about incompetent mail carriers. …On the rare occasion he's also been known to scare away paparazzi.

I'm not helpless by any means. I'll punch someone's lights out if need be. But in large crowds, my small stature proves to be …less than helpful. Especially in crowds of paparazzi.

Way back when the media was still obsessed with catching Axel and I together, I was coming home after a late night out with Pence and Olette. I didn't have Axel with me so I thought things would be fine, seeing as I was less likely to draw a crowd. Well there must have been at _least _a crowd of fifteen or so paparazzo waiting out on my block when I got there. I had to literally run down the street just to get away from them and into the building safely. Auron, for whatever reason, was poised as the front of the door, seemingly ready to intercept them. Being that I was more focused on getting into the building, rather than paying them any attention, I didn't see what he was doing.

When I turned around to check the crowd that had gathered around the base of the building, they were gone and Auron had returned to his seat a few feet away from the door. I looked at him questionably and he didn't say anything but bade me goodnight and told me to stay safe. After that day, the paparazzi tend to stay away from our building.

I pulled at the strings of my hoodie and shook my head rapidly as I turned back to look out the glass in the front lobby, "I'm waiting for my sister."

"Would you like me to phone up when she arrives?"

I shook my head again, "No, but, thanks. She should be coming soon."

"Mnn."

He went quiet and didn't say anything. I sighed, sitting down in a chair by the window and gazed out at the people and cars rushing back and forth. It looked like it was going to rain at any minute. The sky was cluttered with clouds and whenever someone entered the building, the smell of impending rain followed them.

A yellow cab pulled up outside of the building and my sister popped out. She glanced about her for a minute before stepping up onto the sidewalk and gazing up confusedly at the building. She lowered her gazed, spotted me in the lobby and waltzed right in through the double doors.

"No paparazzi today?" I asked her, crossing my arms over my chest.

She removed the sunglasses from her face and rolled her eyes at me, "Very funny." Rikku glanced over her shoulder and then turned back to me. She removed her hood from head and shook her hair out. "I have to come out the house dressed like this or they'll recognize me."

"You look like an Olsen twin." I commented as I got to my feet.

"It's called _fashion_." Rikku said, huffing in irritation. She gestured toward what I was wearing and stuck her tongue out at me, "Not like _you'd _know anything about it. The whole converse and hoodie look is so 2006, Roxas."

I rolled my eyes at her and turned around and gestured for her to follow me to the elevator. Auron nodded to me as we passed and I could have sworn I saw a smirk on his face. I pressed the up button and waited for the door to chime. As soon as Rikku and I boarded and the door closed behind us, she turned to me.

"Missed me?"

"I just saw you yesterday."

"So? That's more than enough time to miss me." She commented as she opened her bag. I glanced in her direction and instantly frowned when I saw a bundle of fur moving around in her bag.

"…When did you get a _dog_?"

"His name is Ghiki." She said as she scratched the dog on top of his head and it whined at her, "And I got him as a birthday present to myself. Pretty cute, huh?"

"…Dogs aren't accessories, Rikku."

"You all have dogs!"

"Correction," I said, leaving the elevator first as it reached my floor, "Me and Cloud took in Sora's strays." I reached into my pocket for my keys and opened the door.

"Whatever, I wanted one for myself."

She followed me into the apartment and I closed the door behind us. Rikku instantly walked over to the kitchen bar to set her bag down on the counter and take a seat. I kicked off my shoes at the door and started unbuttoning my pants as I walked over in the direction of the sofa.

"And on _top _of that, you're wearing your pajama pants beneath your jeans?" She commented as I slid out of my jeans and threw them over the back of the sofa. "Roxas, you're a walking fashion emergency! Who _does _that?"

"I do." I muttered as I walked over in her direction. I gestured toward how she was sitting in the chair, "Are you going to take your shoes off and relax?"

Rikku glanced down at her murderous heels—really, why in the world do girls _do _that to themselves?—and shrugged her shoulders, "I'm fine."

"Hm," I raised my eyebrows slightly, "Want anything?"

She shook her head, "No … "

"Well?" I asked her as I crossed my arms over my chest. "To what do I owe this visit?"

"I can't come see my favorite brother if I want to?" She asked, giving me a toothy grin.

"Rikku."

Rikku sighed in slight irritation and looked away from me briefly. When she turned back to look in my direction, her eyes met mine, "I wanted to talk to you. I feel like … you're the only one who can really understand where I'm coming from right now." She looked away from me and began drumming her fingernails along the counter top. "…Roxas … do you think I made the right decision to go off to London at eighteen?"

"Why?"

"I want to know."

I uncrossed my arms from over my chest and shrugged my shoulders, "I mean that's what you wanted to do, right?"

Rikku sighed, "I thought it was." She muttered, "I've got _Godhand _as well as _Machina Maw …_and I halted production of my show on the Style network because … well, I feel like this is getting to be too much. Two years is a short time … but I feel like I've been away from New York … been away from _home _for too long." She ran a hand through her hair and looked pensive, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just want a break. I had to come back home because there's just too much pressure on me over there. I felt stressed. I _am _stressed."

"And you couldn't tell anyone this, why?"

"I didn't want any of you to worry." Rikku began, looking up at me again. "And I can take care myself, thank you very much. I don't need my three older brothers to come running to my rescue every time I need it." She rolled her eyes at me.

"But you're here, aren't you?" I asked, "And you're talking to me."

"Mmm …" She cocked her head to the side and began scratching at Ghiki's ears, "I just wanted to come home. I _needed_ to come home. It was the best thing for me to do." She paused, "Roxas, three years ago around the time that you met Axel … did you feel like you were stagnant?"

"As in not moving anywhere?"

"Yeah."

I looked away from her inquisitive gaze, "Rikku …"

"Roxas. Please?"

I try not to revisit my past. I'm more for moving forward … but if this is for Rikku's sake then I guess I can spare a visit down memory lane. I turned to look at her and shook my head, "I was lost back then. There was nothing for me. Or rather, I felt that there was nothing for me. Kind of like I was just drifting."

"What about now?"

I hopped down from the counter and turned to the refrigerator to grab my unfinished glass of soymilk, "Things are … things feel a lot more solid." I turned to her, "Rikku, what you're going through now, we've all been there. It's a part of growing up. Everyone experiences it in their own way. Some of us take longer than others. Some of us endure hardships easier than others; some of us flip out at the tiniest little thing. Me? I was numb to a lot of what went on around me. Or at the very least, I tried to be." I set the glass down on the table in front of me and leaned forward on the bar, "Right now you might want to take a break from your projects. You _are _your own boss, aren't you?"

"To some degree I am."

"So take a break and come back to whatever it is when you're ready. How long do you plan on staying home?"

"…I don't know. I was thinking until early January at the very least. Stay for Paine's birthday in a few weeks, Christmas and New Years… I guess it could work." She mused, "Do you think that's okay?"

"Rikku, we all need a break." I said sipping at my milk, "Now, I have a question for you."

"Yes?"

"Can you explain the reason for all those paparazzi?"

She bit her lip and gave me the look she always got when she didn't want to talk about something. She changed her posture and lowered her voice, "You remember Gippal … right?"

Not _him_.

Gippal was Rikku's on and off boyfriend for the past seven years or so. I don't really care too much for the guy, personally. Sora thinks he's a 'nice guy'—go figure. Cloud? Well … Cloud absolutely hates him.

Rikku was spending the weekend down at Cloud's old place when she was either sixteen or seventeen … and Gippal was supposed to come over and pick her up for a date. Long story short, Gippal wasn't even in the house for three minutes before Cloud gave him a black eye and Leon had to get between the two of them before Cloud beat him into a pulp. I think he grabbed Rikku's ass or something and Cloud told him to watch his hands when it came to his sister. … Gippal being the cheeky idiot that he is answered smartly and well … can't say Cloud isn't protective about _one _of his siblings as the oldest.

I met him a couple of times when she used to bring him around while I was still living in the old house. He's just … he's like Kairi. I didn't really care for him. He was an okay guy, but … just didn't really care for him.

"What about him?"

"I … started seeing him again," She said as she removed her hands from Ghiki and covered her face, "I already know what you're thinking. Again? Yes, _again_."

"I didn't say—"

"Shh—I already know. I can see it in your eyes."

"Okay." I replied, shrugging dismissively.

She bit the inside of her cheek, "He came to visit me in London a couple of times. He … was the one that convinced me to come back to New York, actually."

"I thought you said you wanted to come back home?"

"I did, but he was the one that really convinced me. He kind of told me what you did a few minutes ago, except not as articulately. Too many soccer balls to the head messed up his brains a bit, but … anyway, yeah, he did. I told him how I hated London and I wanted to be anywhere but there. I thought about going anywhere in the world but I kept coming back to New York ..."

"Well? Where is he now?"

"In the city." She responded, "He came back a day or two before I did."

"It won't work, you know?"

"What?" She asked me as I turned my back on her to place my glass in the sink.

"Trying to stay out of the public eye. It doesn't work for Sora and Riku, it doesn't work for Cloud and Tifa and it sure as hell doesn't work for me and Axel. They're going to talk, they're going to write and they're going to want to know the whole story and any surrounding details."

"I know." She muttered, "That's why …"

"You've been so vacant?"

"No," She shook her head, "I was still deciding if I was going to tell you about all of this. I figured you were the best person to talk about. It's nothing big but … I know you'd be the least … I don't want to say judgmental, but, the most chill out of you, Sora and Cloud."

"_Chill_?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow in vague amusement.

"You know!"

"I know what it means, Rikku. You couldn't find any other word to describe me?" I asked, "Level headed?"

"Oh, shut up. You're such a nerd." She glanced about the apartment, "You know it's strangely quiet in here. Where's Axel?"

"At the studio."

"Really! Can we go see him?"

"Not really," I replied, "Or rather, it's better that we don't go."

"Roxas, you're such a lame. What's the point in having a rock star boyfriend if you can't go visit him at the studio?" She huffed at me as she began drumming her fingers along her cheek.

"I've _been _to see him at the studio before." I said, shaking my head at the memory, "If you're adamant on losing quite a few brain cells, then by all my means, be my guest."

"That bad?" She questioned bemusedly as she turned away from me. Her gaze traveled the length of the loft again and she grinned slightly, "You and Axel fixed this place up really nice, hm? Didn't you say it was a mess when you guys first moved in?"

"It's been a process."

Rikku nodded her head in understanding and folded her hands in front of her. "You're really happy here with Axel … aren't you Roxas?"

I nodded slowly, a bit thrown off by her question, "I suppose I am."

"Suppose?" She asked questionably.

"I am." I tried again, coming around the island so that I could sit in the chair next to her. "Rikku, things will come together for you. They always do. …Sometimes it just takes a long time for that to happen."

"Mmm ..." She nodded her head and then turned to me, "Soooooo, are you doing anything today?"

"Not really." I answered quickly, and then mentally kicked myself for not taking a moment to think about my answer. I could already see an idea forming in Rikku's eyes before she said anything.

"Good!" She hopped down off the chair she was sitting on and lifted Ghiki back into her bag, "You're coming out to lunch with me, then!"

"Rikku, it's barely twelve and I just ate." I said as I watched her take her phone out of her bag and start scrolling through it.

"So? We don't have to leave right now, silly. Paine doesn't go on break until twelve thirty, so we've got time." She said walking past me with her bag and plopping down in the spot I had been sitting in before she came. Rikku paused from typing away on her phone and turned to look over her shoulder at me, "Oh, and just so you know, _I'll _be picking out what you're wearing today. I'm not letting you come anywhere with me and you're going to dress how you were earlier today."

I sighed in annoyance as I walked over to the sofa and sat down on the opposite side of where she was, "I honestly don't know who has the ability to annoy me the most. You, Axel or Sora."

"Roxas, everyone in the world is annoying to you," Rikku murmured, "And besides, I think we all have our own special way of getting under your skin."

"Precisely." I responded as I began reaching for the remote, but was stopped when Rikku threw her hand over mine to prevent me from moving. "Like now."

"Who said you could turn from Jerry Springer? I live for this trash." Rikku said, snatching the remote from out of my hand and turning the volume up, "Also, while we're at it. Why don't you take style tips from Axel? He's been in the business long enough to know a thing or too."

"And just _why _would I do that?" I asked, sighing loudly.

"Because Axel dresses like a straight man turned gay!" Rikku said as she reached into her bag and brought Ghiki out into the open again, "That's how you should dress! You're gay, aren't you?"

"…Rikku." I began, inhaling deeply and exhaling as I closed my eyes.

"Yes?" She asked, innocently turning my way.

I reached over for the remote while she was distracted and aimed it at the television, "Please. Shut up."

-x-

Lunch with Rikku was what I expected it to be—a one sided conversation where she never let anyone else get a word in edgewise. Paine, like myself, seemed all too willing to oblige. Rikku would go off at a mile a minute about something, pause to take a sip of her drink, and then go off about something completely new. By the end of it all, I think I'd said more to our waiter than actually contributing to the conversation.

When I got back home after being kidnapped by my younger sister, I set about getting some work done. After much hassling from Axel and mulling it over in my head for quite some time, I re-enrolled at NYU last fall. I'm currently in my junior year and majoring in English with a minor in Psychology. The workload … it isn't anything I can't manage and it gives me something to do at least. I do get the occasional stares on campus, but other than that, it's okay I guess.

I texted Axel a couple of times throughout the day while I worked through some paper I had to write for my _Women in Literature_ class. Turns out he was getting frustrated at the studio and was probably going to call it a day and come home earlier than he planned. We went through the customary nightly exchange of what we were going to have for dinner—Axel being the one who always remains indecisive about what he wants. After I ordered out—we finally settled on Japanese—I took a break from my paper and took to the kitchen to wash some dishes in the sink. Just as I was done, the locks on the front door clicked and the door flew open and banged against the wall.

"Don't ask Roxas, Axel! He's gonna say I'm stupid!" Demyx.

"Cause your idea _is _stupid!" Axel

"This I want to see." Zexion.

"Don't encourage him, Zex!"

"I'm not trying to."

"Like he needs to! I'm not letting this go until I hear what Roxas has to say!"

I turned off the water after I washed the last dish in my hands and turned around just as Axel rounded the corner to the kitchen and was about to put a hand on my shoulder. He retracted it just as I turned around and looked at him with raised eyebrows. Demyx was right on his heels and he held his hand out to block out anything Demyx was trying to say to me.

"Roxas! Tell Demyx how stupid adding a _sitar _to the band would be."

"It's not _stupid_!" Demyx countered. Zexion came in behind them and took a seat at the bar. His hand was poised underneath his chin as if he were silently amused by the exchange currently going on between Demyx and Axel, "As an artist you have to change up your sound every now and then! It keeps the public interested in you!"

"Yeah, and adding a _sitar _is going to do that for us?" Axel asked incredulously as he turned away from me.

"The Beatles did it!"

"We sound _nothing _like The Beatles, Demyx. What the hell?"

"They still did it!"

Axel turned back to me and shook his head, "Well, Rox?"

I shrugged nonchalantly and wiped my hands off on the towel in front of me, "Don't ask me."

"Pft, 'Don't ask me'." Axel mimicked as he did a horrible rendition of my voice. He swiveled me away from the towel and spun me around to face him. "Any other time you'd be on my side and say Demyx is an idiot, what gives?"

"He's coming to the dark side." Demyx chimed in as he opened the fridge to find something to eat. He looked up excitedly two seconds later, "Who's Grey Goose?"

"_Mine_." I said, glaring daggers at him so that he backed away from the refrigerator. I shut the fridge and rolled my eyes, "On second thought, I'm going with Axel by default."

"Seeeeee?" Axel asked, crossing his arms over his chest and grinning widely at Demyx.

"That doesn't even count!" Demyx yelled, pounding his fist on the island, "Roxas hates me!"

"Does not." Axel said glancing at me as I began putting dishes up, "Right, Roxy?"

"I think the answer to that question is self explanatory." I replied.

"See." Demyx muttered walking out of the kitchen and walking over to the sofa to find something to watch on the TV. Zexion joined in shortly leaving Axel and I alone in the kitchen.

Axel was currently leaning against the fridge with his arms crossed over his chest as he watched me put up dishes. He chuckled lowly when I had to stand on the tips of my toes to reach one of the higher ledges in the cabinets. "Need some help, shorty?"

"Fuck you."

"Funny you should mention that. I've been thinking about it all day." Axel muttered lowly.

"Does anything of any real substance go through your mind all day besides fantasizing about having sex with me?" I asked him, lowering my voice and feeling color creep onto my cheeks.

"Nope." He answered, biting his lip to keep himself from laughing. He turned away from me and leaned down to survey the contents of the fridge, "Where be my spicy tuna rolls, yo?"

"Right in front of you, idiot." I answered as I pushed the last dish into the cabinets and closed them.

"Ah, what'd you get?"

"Shrimp tempura."

"You get the _same _thing all the time."

"You're lucky I _got you_ anything at all."

"You wouldn't let me starve."

"I would."

"But your _mom_ wouldn't."

"Shut up and go eat your food."

-x-

Demyx and Zexion stayed over for a little while before leaving for the night. I stayed up doing my paper while Axel lazed about at my side on the sofa and waited for me to finish. At around eleven or so, I gave up on finishing it for the night and the two of us went to bed.

A few hours later, I woke up in the middle of the night to find Axel missing from bed. After canvassing the entire apartment, I found him sitting out on the balcony with an unlit cigarette balanced between his lips. He reached into his pocket and flicked open his lighter and ran it slowly over the unlit cigarette.

"Reprimand me later. You know as well as I do that old crutches never really fade. We just cover them up with new ones."

"I wasn't going to." I said, standing around the doorway and waiting for him to give me some type of explanation as to why he was currently sitting outside at two in the morning in the chill of this November night, in only a leather jacket and pajama pants.

He turned to look at me, "You know you _can _wait for me to come back inside and we'll talk there, right?"

"We can do it out here. It's fine." I took a seat down by his side, pulling the blanket I had dragged off the bed closer to my body, "Aren't you cold?"

He shook his head. "No and don't cry to me in the morning if you turn into a sea-salt icicle cube." He tapped his cigarette gently, "I'm thinking of getting another tattoo."

"You have enough."

"No, I don't." He pulled on his cigarette again, "I was thinking of getting your name in big ass letters tattooed across my ass."

"You're an idiot."

"We can get matching ones, you know?"

"Are you drunk?"

"I wish." I didn't press the subject as I waited for him to continue, "Roxas, what the _fuck _is going on these days?"

"With?"

"_Everything_." Axel began, bringing his wrist up to his forehead and began shaking his head in dismay, "I don't know what's going on anymore. Or I can't wrap my mind around what the fuck is going on anymore. And it doesn't even make sense for me to try and get my mind off whatever is bothering me, because whatever it is always comes right back around just as it leaves.

"What happened?"

"You remember I was on my phone last night?"

"Yeah."

"I got a text from Reno saying that we needed to talk. I told him to give me a call when he was free seeing as it's near impossible to get him at a decent time. He called me a little while ago …"

"Just now?"

"Right after we went to sleep. You were snoring so loudly I barely heard my phone vibrating." When he lowered his wrist from his forehead, he stared straight up at the sky and his eyes were narrowed in anger, "She's coming back."

"She?"

He poised his cigarette in front of his mouth, about to inhale again, "My _mother_."

The whole situation regarding Axel and his mother is a lot like the one involving my father and me. From what I know, Axel hasn't talked to or tried to make any contact with his mother in the past … I think it's going on ten or so years. Axel's grandparents gained custody of him when he was really young… around the age of six or so.

His mother was pretty much a nonexistent figure for much of his late childhood. She spent some time in jail after she lost custody of Axel and Reno and she disappeared after she got out. I think Axel told me she headed for Nevada after that.

He didn't hear from her for a good ten years until she tried to get in touch with him during the summer he turned seventeen. He told me that they were supposed to meet up, but every time he tried to schedule something, she never showed. After that he lost communication with her and never cared to find her again. He said it was better to leave her behind than care about someone who didn't want to be found. It makes me wonder if that's why he's always pushing me toward trying to establish a solid relationship with my father seeing as he never got to have that bond with either of his parents.

I turned to look at him and I could feel my chest tightening at his posture. Axel was currently hunched over, elbows on his knees with his hands cradling his face. He was bouncing his leg up and down and he kept clenching his hands over and over again.

"That's what he needed to talk to me about. She told Reno some bullshit about how she couldn't stay away New York because she knows what's going on around here. She says she wants to come back here and help straighten things out with her _family_. We didn't need her back then and we don't need her around now. I already got on Reno's ass for agreeing to the whole thing but he called me childish. He says I'm too **old** to hold a grudge. This isn't _about _holding grudges. It's about the type of situation that'll arise out of my mother returning here." He shook his head, "I _don't _like this, Rox. I don't like this at all. If you knew how much _hate _I've kept buried for this woman … "

It was strange and it … made me a bit uncomfortable seeing him like this. Or maybe perturbed is the better word. Axel … was supposed to be an optimist … or at the very least, undeterred by obstacles. He always worked his way around something no matter what the cost. But … being that he's dealing with a lot right now, I can understand that this is easier said than done. But, it doesn't make me worry any less.

I leaned forward, "When are they coming back?"

"She's coming back with Avó on the first of December." He answered, "This Wednesday."

I was quiet as he pulled from the cigarette again. He refused to meet my eyes. "Ax—"

"I'm fine. I'm sorry, Rox. I'm freaking out for no reason right now. Twenty six years old and throwing a temper tantrum like a prepubescent girl." He slumped down in his chair, "I'm just a little bit stressed right now."

"You're a _lot _stressed right now." I said, dragging my seat forward so that our knees were touching. Even though he refused to look at me, I leaned forward so I could look at his face, "Do like you tell me. Talk to me."

"I don't want to talk about it." He replied, still looking away from me.

"You don't want to talk about it or you don't want to deal with it? Which is it?"

"Roxas, don't start with me about this now." Axel began and finally turned to look at me, "Just like I don't press the issue about you and your father, don't press me to give you an answer about this right now."

I stood up out of the chair and readjusted the sheets over my shoulders, "Then come back to bed. Sitting out here and freezing in the cold isn't going to do anything for you. Come back inside and _sleep_." I said, "And don't lie to me and tell me you _have _been."

He looked at me like he knew I was right but didn't want to admit to it. Axel took one last pull of his cigarette before tossing it off the edge of the balcony and rose to his feet. I followed him back into the loft and into the room. He threw his jacket on the floor and got into bed and I followed right behind him. When we settled into bed, Axel called to me in the darkness.

"Roxas."

I turned over on my side to look at him, "Yes?"

Axel stared down at me for a moment before reaching over and mussing my hair gently with his hand. He eventually pulled me into an embrace and exhaled slowly. I lay on his chest, feeling the gentle rise and fall as his breathing slowed.

When I was sure Axel had fallen asleep, I closed my own eyes and allowed sleep to claim me.


	7. Broken

**7; broken**

_I've got this memory, you see?_

_I'm sixteen, sitting in the front seat of Demyx's shitty ass midnight blue Toyota, with a cigarette poised between my fingers and my feet propped up on the dash. We've got the windows rolled down because the AC doesn't work. Zex and Marluxia are sleeping in the backseat and Demyx is nodding his head along to some shit that's playing on the radio. I glance at the clock. Two minutes away from turning seventeen. _

_I remember I didn't sleep much when she returned. I barely averaged three hours per night. My grandparents started to worry so they let loose on the leash they held over me and started letting me go out during the summer. Reno was never home that summer because he started working long hours at Shinra Records and became one of the main reasons why we got our record deal when we did._

_Demyx glances down at the clock and his hands tighten around the steering wheel in excitement, _"Almost time."

"I know." _I reply, flicking ash out the window. We're driving with no direction._

"Can you tell me what you remember about her?"

_I toss my cigarette out the window and dig around in my front pocket for the pack._

"You sure you want to know?"

"It's not that bad is it?"

_I bang it against my hand for a few seconds and then pull another cigarette out and light up, _"Define bad." _I reply, pocketing the lighter and my pack of cigarettes. It's a horrible habit I've picked up in the last few months, but it calms me down._

"I don't know."

_I shrug my shoulders dismissively and slump back into the chair as I feel fatigue washing over me, _"Well, let's try this. Where do you want me to start?"

"Anywhere you want to, I guess."

_A cloud of smoke disperses in front of me and flows toward the window._

"Sorry to say, but I don't remember all of it. I've got the scars; I just don't have the complete story to go with them. The ever infallible Dr. Wise tells me that it's some type of defense mechanism or some shit. Repression or whatever."

_I close my eyes in thought, feeling the breeze from the window ruffle my bare shoulders. _

"It's not to say I don't remember certain things, though. I can remember that on a few occasions … after she did something really bad, she would sit at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. She always wore this ratty bathrobe … reminds me of that scratchy, shitty ass carpet that they have in hotels. There was always an empty plate in front of her, an ashtray to her right and her coffee usually sat to her left. If anything had been broken in her rage from the night before, she would usually sweep that into a vacant corner."

_I open my eyes and flick my cigarette. According to Ansem, talking about all that shit you've kept buried deep inside is supposed to be cathartic. I thought I'd give it a try. _

"When she saw me standing in the door of the kitchen, she'd turn to me and look at me for a while. Then slowly, she'd gesture for me to come to her, promising me that she was okay and she was sorry if she scared me last night. And then she would promise me, _promised, _that she would never do it again. She would say that she loved me and my brother with all her heart and she _promised _she'd never do another _bad _thing again."

_I laughed sardonically._

"It wasn't long before she tried to kill me."

-x-

The television was on, but neither of us was watching it. Axel and I were currently sitting on the sofa; him sprawled out across its length with his head in my lap while I ran my hands through his hair and stared up at the ceiling.

"How old were you?"

"If I remember correctly, it was sometime in the late 80s, so you were probably barely out of diapers by then. Guess I was about four or five. She came at me with a knife while I was sleeping. Actually, it was more like she came into the room, proceeded to yank both me and Reno out of bed, screamed at us for about an hour or so and _then _she tried to kill me. Reno called the cops. That was the night they pulled us out of the house and we went to go live with our grandparents." He pulled the right sleeve of his shirt up to his shoulder and tapped the tattoo on his skin there. The chakrams. "Give me your hand." I removed my right hand from his hair and he placed it on his shoulder. I never noticed it before, but there was a slight concave that ran in a semi-circle around his shoulder. "Got stitched up at the hospital that night, they locked her up and Reno and I were shipped off to our grandparent's house. And that's where I stayed for the next ten or so years."

"What about when you saw her again?"

"What?"

"Didn't you tell me once that she tried to meet her when you were a teenager?"

Axel shrugged dismissively, as he pulled the shirt sleeve back down and then closed his eyes, "Nothing really happened. She came back and she said she wanted to meet Reno and I. Didn't go much further than that. I found out later that she was back to drugging and drinking not too long after she came back to New York. She was gone by New Years of that year." He sighed, "You know, Rox, all this does is reaffirm what I already feel. I was dealing with a crazy psycho bitch back then and I'm most likely going to be dealing with a crazy psycho bitch now. How _anyone _thought this was a good idea, I'm not going to even fucking ask."

"Is it sick that we're the black sheep in our family and yet when shit hits the fan, we're the person everyone comes running to?"

"I don't think everyone in your family thinks of you as a black sheep, Rox. Just your dad, am I right?" Axel asked, opening his eyes and leaning back to look up at me.

"They just never knew how to deal with me. I still think to some degree they aren't sure how to approach me." I shrugged, "But this isn't about me, this is about you. What about your family? I already know about your grandparents, but what about Reno?"

"He was your typical older brother. We have a typical sibling relationship. You know he was partially responsible in getting me signed? Never ask him for the full story though; he never shuts up about it." Axel sighed, "Apart from that, Rox, if I think about it. My family doesn't hate me. …I was just really fucked up as I was growing up." He opened his eyes so he could look at me, "I just feel out of place sometimes. Or maybe it's just guilt. I don't know. I don't really care to try and make sense of it. I just want to get through this whole thing with my mother without having to kill anyone."

"And _that _is why I'm going along with you, remember?"

Axel went silent and looked away from me to the muted television in front of us, "You know, I really don't want you to."

"Which is precisely why I'm coming along. Axel, you've seen me at my worst already. Three years ago, the old apartment?"

"That was different." Axel snapped.

I could hear the warning tone in his voice. He was becoming a bit unpredictable these days, more so than usual. I think I understood it to some degree, but I could have been wrong.

When the source of his problems wasn't around, then it was okay to talk about it. That was considered to be safe ground. When it came to confrontation of said source, he got defensive and shut himself off entirely. In other words, it was okay for Axel to talk to me about his past. He didn't mind doing that. But I wasn't allowed to help in confronting whatever the source of his problem was. That, he would deal with on his own terms. It was selfish given everything that had transpired between the two of us, but I think Axel sees it as a way or protecting me from something … a side of himself he doesn't want me to get too close to.

...I mean … I know Axel loves me.

He knows my quirks and habits. (_Balancing on the sides of my feet and curling my toes when I wash the dishes, having the hangers turned all one way in the closet.)_

My dislikes and likes. (_I'll give you a hint, you'll find more in the world that I dislike than like._)

What annoys me. (_Everything._)

There's the look of pure venom that overtakes his features whenever I allude to the past or Xemnas. (_"If I could, I'd kill the fucker myself if given the chance."_)

And then there's the distance in his eyes when I refuse to talk about my relationship with my father. (_There's not much to say about that._)

When he's happy, he's all hugs and kisses and sweeping me off my feet when I'm in the middle of doing something important. (_No matter of yanking at his hair or kicking at his shoulders is enough to deter him_.)

There are the arguments where he storms out of the apartment and leaves me alone for half the night as he goes off and gets trashed at the bar with Demyx. (_Only to return at 3 in the morning, spewing drunken apologies of love at me while I hold his hair back as he throws up into the porcelain god for half the night._)

There's his obsession with my ass. (_In bed and out._)

His incessant pestering when he wants me to do something. (_Those green eyes are murder, sometimes_.)

His numerous nicknames for me. (_Midget, Shorty, Thumbelina, The Prince, Goldilocks, Roxy, Foxy Roxy, Roxypoo, Roxyboo, Ice Princess. You get the point.)_

That lazy smile he always gives me in the morning right before I leave for class. (_He makes a habit to block the front door and won't move until I kiss him goodbye.)_

I could go on if given the chance.

And even though I know he loves me, there's a part of him that I know he's holding back from me. The person that he used to be. That angry kid from ten years ago who had little regard for anyone else but himself. And since his grandfather's death, I've begun to see that person trying to break through in tiny fragments.

"This is going to be taxing on you mentally." I stated in defense.

"Don't you think I know that?" Axel sighed in aggravation as he sat up abruptly.

"Are you afraid?" I asked calmly.

"_What_?"

"Are **you** afraid?" I asked again.

"Rox, are you purposely trying to fuck with me right now?"

I sighed as I got off the couch and walked in the direction of the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, "Your anger is misdirected. I'm not the person you should be snapping at right now. I'm not going to say I understand, because I don't. I can empathize, but I can never fully understand why you feel the way you do about your mother." I replied, "What I'm saying, Axel, is that I'd like to come with you because I know how you can be when faced with a situation that's going to test your temper. Your body language alone screams that you're tense and I don't want you going into this alone. I'm not saying you're going to do something drastic, but I don't need you self destructing at a time like this. Can you understand where I'm coming from?"

Axel flopped over onto the spot where I had been previously sitting and threw his arm over his face, "You just don't know what she was like, Rox. I don't know if you could _ever _understand what she was like. I don't care if I'm twenty six now or what happened was over twenty years ago. No one gets what she was like and being near her, seeing her? That's going to take me back to a place I don't _need _to be in right now." He paused for a moment and I waited for him to continue, "She was picture perfect in public, an ideal single mother of two. That's what they thought. 'Oh, she's so delicate after the suicide of her husband. Look at how she's carrying on.' But that woman … " He paused again and sat up so he could look me square in the eye, "That house was a fucking drug den. I'm not talking about baby drugs like bud and shit, I'm talking about the shit that fucking kills you. Heroine, crack, meth, give me a name, she more than likely had it. And then there were the fucking men that she kept around in that damn house. And no, don't get any ideas in your head; none of them were ever stupid enough to ever touch me." He ran a hand through his hair, "It's sickening … the thought of someone that's supposed to protect you would go as far as try to kill you. I don't care about the circumstances, I don't care that she was under stress. She _had _resources, she _had _the ability to ask for help and she never did. _That, _Roxas, is the main source of my problem with that woman that wants to be called my mother."

"What about Reno?" I asked, walking back over to Axel and sitting down beside him. I handed him a glass of water and he shrugged nonchalantly and took it, "What happened to him?"

"He was at school most of the time. I spent more time at home than he did seeing as I wasn't old enough to go to school when we first came to the States. We used to share a room when we were little. When she had her 'company' over, she told us to stay in our room or we'd get punished if we disobeyed. I was the more daring one, always pushing the limits." He shrugged and glanced at the clock, "Figures I'd be the one who'd end up resenting her more years down the line."

"But—"

"Enough, Roxas. _Enough_." Axel said as he stood up from the chair and jabbed his hands into his pockets, "Do you get it now? Do you understand why I never talked about this with you? Does it make sense? Or are you going to keep badgering me for a story better left dead?"

I stared at him, unable to find any words to say. I lowered my gaze and out of the corner of my eye, I saw his face twitch in what I gauged was disgust.

"Go get your coat." He stated, turning his back to me, "We need to get out to LaGuardia."

-x-

We were quiet on the ride out to the airport.

I knew a little bit about Axel's mother but he'd always been so vague when it came to that aspect of his past. I've always had questions about the unexplained scars that littered his entire body and he's always been a bit hesitant to answer them.

I know stories about a few—(the scar above his left eye from a broken wine glass, the faded burn on his right hip from a "falling" curling iron, another burn on the skin of his right hand from a cigarette, another mishap that lead to another faded scar across his left ankle)—but as far as everything he told me tonight, those paled in comparison.

Axel was distant from the moment we got into the car, too. He seemed disinterested with what was going on around him, reminiscent of how he was for his grandfather's funeral. The radio was turned to some rap station that he wasn't even listening to and I was too lazy to turn from. I checked the time briefly and then pulled out my phone. I searched for Naminé's number and sent her a text.

_Need to talk to you tomorrow. Are you free_?_  
8:05PM_

Her reply came instantly.

_Yes … is everything okay?  
8:06PM_

_I'll explain later. What time?  
8:06PM_

_Anytime after eleven would be preferable.  
8:07PM_

_I'll come over after class. I finish at two tomorrow. See you then.  
8:07PM_

When I looked up from my phone I could see us nearing the airport. I glanced quickly at Axel but he was still as silent as ever. I turned back to look out the window at my side, closing my eyes and hoping for the best. Axel pulled into the waiting area for arrivals, turned off the car and got out without a word to me. I barely flinched when he slammed the door behind him and walked over to my side of the car and leaned against the backseat door.

I rolled my window down and leaned out slightly so I could look at him, "What time does their flight get in?"

"7:45." He answered without looking at me, "What time is it now?"

I checked my phone, "Fifteen after."

He grimaced slightly and crossed his arms over his chest. I left things at that and turned around so I could sink down into my chair. A breeze blew in through the cracked window, ruffling my hair slightly. I sighed and clicked the button on my phone to check the time again. Barely any time had passed. I leaned forward again out of the window and turned to Axel. I saw him rise slightly and turned to see what he was looking at. I took that as my cue to get out of the car.

Lena spotted us in an instant. She was already walking to over us, a tiny figure swathed entirely in black and grey with outstretched arms. She connected with Axel first. "_Neto_! My God, look at you! Have you been eating like I told you, eh? Aren't you cold? All you wear is that damn leather, you're going to catch a cold!"

Axel let himself be scolded by her as he usually did, only bothering to answer by nodding, shrugging or answering her in one word statements. She turned to me next and squeezed me just as she had done with Axel, "And you brought Roxas with you! How have you been, _querido_? Have you been taking care of this one over here?"

"As much as he'll let me." I said, forcing a smile for her. If Axel wasn't going to assuage the situation any way, I would try my best to keep the peace.

"That's what I like to hear." Lena nodded, readjusting the shawl over her shoulders. She turned to look behind her, "Lea! Vem cá, por favor!"

Lea Ramirez.

She was taller than Lena by a few inches and Axel was her spitting image in male form. Slender, wide eyed and she had thick hair that straddled the line between red and auburn. The only thing that seemed to be missing was Axel's green eyes. Hers were more reminiscent of Reno's blue. She looked slightly startled when she heard Lena calling her as she exited the airport with their bags in tow. She turned in our direction and a soft smile came to her face as she walked our way.

"I swear, it's been so long since I've been in this place. They've really changed the city up, haven't they?" She asked, looking at Lena and then back at the two of us. She dropped the duffel bag she was carrying to the floor and looked Axel squarely in the eye. "Axel."

"Lea." He replied as he removed the keys to the car from his coat pocket. Axel bent down to hoist the duffel bag up onto his shoulder and grab their other bags and then popped the trunk to the car. I could tell Lena was about to intervene in the exchange, but Lea glanced at her briefly and she stayed quiet. Lea turned her attention from Axel and looked at me with interest, "And who is this?

"Roxas, my querido !" Lena began, reaching an arm around my waist and pulling me closer to her, "He's the nice boy that looks after your bonehead son when I'm not around."

"Ah," Lea glanced at Axel who was still fiddling around in the trunk and then back at me. "A friend Axel's then, I presume? Nice to meet you, Roxas."

I nodded, "You too."

"Ready." Axel interjected as he slammed the trunk closed, "The doors are open."

Lena got in on the driver's side, while Lena got in on the other side. I stepped down off the curb and walked into the street where Axel was standing as he watched the two of them get in and close the doors.

"You okay?" I asked, looking up at him.

He didn't answer straight away. His hands dipped into one of the pockets of his jacket and produced the car keys, "Drive. _Please_." Axel whispered to me. His voice was strained. His hands were shaking as he pressed the keys into my hands, "You know how to get to the house, right?"

I clutched the keys in my hand and nodded, "Yeah."

He squeezed my shoulder and then walked over to the passenger side while I walked over to the driver's side and got in.

The ride back to Lena's house was quiet for the most part. Lena was going off about how much she had loved the weather in California compared to New York where it was always cold and dreary all the time. Then she went on to ask us what we had been up to in the past week and what we had done for Thanksgiving. Axel seemed to be off in the world inside his head at the moment, so I answered most of Lena's questions. Lea was quiet too and whenever I glanced in the rear view mirror, I could see her gaze was fixated on Axel. I couldn't wait for this ride to be over.

After twenty minutes or so on the highway, I finally arrived in Axel's grandparent's neighborhood and pulled into the driveway of their house. After I turned off the car and popped the trunk, Axel immediately got out. I helped Lena out of her seat and Lea followed shortly after. Axel let himself into the house without waiting for any of us. When we got in, Axel was already halfway up the steps to the second floor with their bags when Lena stopped him.

"Neto, wait just a minute. Leave those there." She turned to me and then looked back at Axel who was giving her a disinterested look from the second step of the stairs, "Roxas will help me with those. You rest a bit. You look distracted. Go on, go get something to drink and relax a bit. You're always so tight, eesh!"

Axel turned to me and I nodded slightly. I saw his eyes travel to the front on the house where Lea was currently locking the door and his eyes darkened considerably. He dropped the bags down at the foot of the steps and walked past the two of us into the kitchen. I picked up what I could muster—silently cursing my height in the process—and followed Lena up the stairs. We entered the door at the end of the hall and Lena looked about the room briefly before walking over to the dresser.

"Come here, querido."

I dropped the bags by the door and walked over to where she was standing. She was holding a picture in her hand. There were two small kids, Axel and Reno, and then two adults standing behind them, Axel's grandparents. She swiped a finger over the frame and then turned to look at me.

"How has he been, Roxas? Answer me truthfully." Lena said. She set the picture down on the dresser and turned around to sit down on her bed. She patted down at the space next to her. "I know how he hides himself from the ones he loves. He refused to meet my eyes the entire time I looked at him tonight. That's how I always know when he's telling me a lie." She was right about that. I've noticed it too.

"He's been …" I paused, "… I don't think he's really dealing with it. I think he's trying to put this all out of his mind for now."

"Did he tell you about Lea?" She asked.

"Yes."

"So you know how he came to live with us, then?" Lena sighed, "Reno told me that the two of them talked and how their conversation was far from pleasant. I could see the anger in his eyes tonight. You see, Roxas, Lea … my daughter had a hard time adjusting to life with two young children. Especially when Alexander, Axel's father, passed so long ago …it was a lot for her to deal with. But it does not, in the least, excuse her actions. I just hope the two of them can come to terms with the past while she is here."

I nodded, "Well … how are you doing in the midst of all of this?"

Lena turned to me slowly and then a wide smile came to her face. She slapped a firm hand down on my thigh. I flinched slightly. For such a small woman she had a heavy hit, "I'm glad you asked. Querido, I'm holding onto each day as though it were my last." She nodded her head and turned to look at the picture on her dresser, "Even though he's gone … I'm going to be just fine because I know I'll be seeing him in no time. And then when that time comes, it will be my turn to have everyone make a big fuss about me." She laughed loudly and I smiled at her in return.

"Lena?" I questioned.

"Call me Avó."

I nodded, feeling a little awkward but honoring her request. "Avó … do you think the two of them will resolve what happened between them?"

"Hmm," Lena mused, "You think I should beat them with pots and pans if they don't?" She chuckled shortly and I snickered myself. She definitely reminded me of Axel and his inability to refrain from finding something humorous even in the most serious of situations. "Ah, but, I don't know. It isn't my place to interfere. This is something between Lea and Axel. Even though I gave birth to her and raised him this is something I don't have control over. Axel will have to come to terms with his mother and she will have to acknowledge that she missed out on seeing her children grow up into the adults they are today. It is hard situation and we might have to pray for a miracle."

"Maybe."

She nodded her head in agreement as she glanced at the clock behind her. It was almost nine. "Maybe you should go check on the two of them. I'm … going to rest for a little bit." Lena smiled as she leaned in to engulf me in a bone crushing hug, "Take care of him, Roxas. I know he's stubborn but all he needs is a good whack upside the head every now and then to set him straight. You have my permission. Try that if nothing else works. And if you can't set him straight, send him to me. I'll bring out the old spoon I used to beat him over the head with as a child."

I laughed, "Don't worry. I will."

She nodded, laughing herself, "Take care of yourself, Roxas."

"I will. You too, Lena." I replied returned the bright smile she gave me with a small one of my own. I closed her bedroom door behind me and steadily made my way down the stairs. On my way down, I paused at the last step. I could hear Lea and Axel going at it in the kitchen.

"So you're not going to even listen to me?"

"I don't want to hear it. You're here for your mother, not me. Do what you have to do and keep me out of it."

_Damn._

"Axel, you're part just as much a part of this as she is. Why do you think I came back?"

"To fuck things up even more." He answered.

"I don't believe this. I haven't seen you in years—Axel—_years_! Do you know how long it's been? And this is how you react, right? I'm not even back for more than one hour yet and already you start with the accu—"

"No." Axel said, cutting her off, "What I can't believe is you're stupid enough to think that just because you came back here under the guise of helping Avó, you thought that everything was going to fall into place. That everyone was going to see you in a different light. That you were going to recapture everyone's hearts and—"

"I didn't think _any _of that!" Lea cut in, "You're making assumptions, Axel! I came back because you and your grandmother are the _only _people living on the east coast and I know you can't look after her alone! I'm back here because I want to make a difference. I want to make a change. I want us to be a _family_ again, Axel." She paused briefly, "Axel, my father just died and I couldn't even make it to his funeral to see him laid to rest. Do you _know _how much that hurts me?"

"What? Too busy boozing and drugging again, weren't you? Got another probation violation? What's the story this time, _mom_?"

"To tell you the truth, Axel, I was too afraid to come back. I knew that if I came back, I would be met with exactly what you're giving me now. Nothing but anger, rage and resentment." Lea sighed, "It's never going to change, is it?"

"No, it isn't and I'm sick of hearing this bullshit." Axel's voice was traveling, meaning that he was most likely leaving the kitchen. "I'm leaving." I heard her call to him but he didn't even bother to acknowledge her. He turned the corner about to head for the stairs when he saw me standing there and his expression softened, "Where's Avó?"

"She said she wanted to rest. I'm guessing she might be sleeping right now." I answered coming down the steps and standing to the side to let him pass.

"I'm ready to go," He mumbled tiredly.

I nodded to the steps, "Go say goodbye and then we'll leave."

Axel walked past me and disappeared upstairs while I peered into the kitchen. Lea was currently sitting at the kitchen table with her hand propped under her chin. A steaming cup of untouched tea was sitting in front of her and she seemed to be lost in her thoughts.

I bit my lip and cleared my throat. She immediately looked toward me, her blue eyes startled and then lowered considerably, "Um, we're going to leave soon. It … was nice meeting you, Lea."

She nodded her head, "Yes …Roxas, was it?"

"Yes?" I said, unsure of where this was about to go.

"Look after my son, please? I don't think he cares too much about me being here given everything. But, you ... you're ..." Her voice cracked and she laughed bitterly to herself, "Just look after him?"

I nodded silently toward her and she took a sip of her tea. Axel came back down the stairs, grabbed my hand and murmured for me to come on. I caught Lea watching us leave out of the corner of my eye, before following Axel out the front door.

"Did she say anything to you?" Axel asked as we got into the car.

I took a moment to answer, unsure if I should tell him anything. I turned to look at him and shook my head, "No, she just said goodbye. That's all."

"Hm," Axel turned away from me and looked out the window, "Take it home, Rox."

I turned the key into the ignition as Axel slumped back into his seat and the car came to life. He didn't have to tell me twice.


	8. White Gold

**8; white gold**

Naminé was already waiting at her apartment door when I arrived to see her that afternoon.

Her hair was pulled away from her face; she was barefoot and currently wearing an over sized black sweater dress. She smiled warmly when she saw me and waved her hands at me to come in as I neared her open door, "I would hug you but … I doubt you want me to get charcoal on you."

"Hm." I observed her dirty fingers as I entered the living room, "What are you working on?"

"Something simple." She replied, clutching a paper towel in her hand as she turned around to lock the door. She had some soft ambient music playing in the background. Naminé gestured toward the setup in front of her easel. "Paper bags. Give me a second while I go wash my hands."

"Uh-huh …" I nodded, raising my eyebrows slightly. I dropped my bag at the front door and observed my surroundings, "You've changed up in here, haven't you?" I called down the hallway she had disappeared into.

"Yeah." I heard water running. "You know I've been spending a lot of time in Paris this year, right? I've fallen in love with French décor. I don't really know if I've done it any justice with my rendition of it though… " She came out of the bathroom and wiped her slightly wet hands on the front of her dress, "So, Roxas. How've you been? How's school? Still the overachieving student you always were?"

"I'm being overachieving alright." I said, sitting down on a chair next to the space where she had been working at, "I've got to get through two papers due tomorrow, an exam on Monday, review lectures … it never ends."

"Isn't the semester almost over?" She asked curiously, "You should be having finals soon, shouldn't you?"

"In a week in a half." I said replied, sighing.

"I'm sure you'll do fine, Roxas. What's your GPA?" She asked, a smile already coming to her face, "I already know it's something astronomically high."

"3.85." I muttered.

"See." Naminé teased. She sat down on the chair she had poised in front of her easel and crossed her legs as she got situated. "Anyway, what is it that you wanted to speak with me about? You sounded a bit short in your texts. Is everything okay?"

"Define okay." I said, slumping down into the chair and closing my eyes.

"Oh dear …" I heard her getting to her feet, "Hold on and I'll go make us some tea. Black right? You drink yours straight?"

"Yeah."

Naminé came back a little while later with two tall mugs of tea. She handed me mine and warned me to be careful because it was hot and then resumed her position on top of the chair she had been previously sitting on. "So, what happened?"

I sat the mug down next to me and leaned forward, "Well, Axel's grandfather passed." I began.

"Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear that. Is Axel okay? What happened?" Naminé questioned, her eyebrows drawing together in concern.

"Aneurysm." I answered, "The funeral was last month. On top of that he's got some other issues regarding his family that he doesn't want to deal with right now. I've been trying to do whatever I can do help but I don't know if what I'm doing is helping any."

"Well, you're offering support, aren't you?" Naminé asked.

"I'm doing whatever I can. Axel is stubborn though and he doesn't like to get others involved in things he feels he can take care of alone." I frowned.

"I'd say the two of you are a perfect match." Naminé began as she set her mug off to the side and went to go pick up her charcoal again.

"As does everyone else." I said, rolling my eyes at the thought. "I've got my own stuff I'm dealing with, too, though."

"Like?"

"Like my parents' divorce." I got up out of my chair and weaved my way in and out of various art supplies that occupied the area. I paused by the window, staring out into the streets of Union Square, "My mom told me I'm the only one out of my siblings to know. She wanted to take her time and tell the rest of them. I can assure you though; things are probably going to get even messier."

"Are you okay?"

"What?" I asked turning to look at Naminé.

She set her charcoal down and reached for a paper towel by her side, "Are you _okay_, Roxas? You're not going to hold any of this in if you need to talk about it are you?"

I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to the window, "There's nothing to talk about. Naminé, you know what my family is like. Appearances over reality. It was all about hiding what was real and faking what wasn't. I guess they just got tired of trying to hold everything together." I sighed, "To tell you the truth, I was waiting for this. I was waiting for the day when my mother finally decided she'd had enough. She doesn't deserve to live like this."

"What about you father?"

It _one _more person asked me about that man, I was going to scream. I crossed my arms over my chest and shrugged again, "What about him?"

"Roxas, he's a part of this too, you know."

"I know," I murmured, "And I don't care."

"I thought you worked things out with him?" Namine watched me as I began to pace slowly in front of the window, "Didn't you work for him for a little while ago?"

"Yeah," I turned to look at her, "… Like I said before, appearance versus reality." I leaned against the window and gazed up at the ceiling, "Thing of it is, Namine, when I was working for him I thought he was going to change. As time passed I didn't see much of it though. After that heart attack he told me that he was ready to start fixing our family again. But, I don't know what it is. I don't know how one person can be so selfish. To say one thing and yet to do another. They think … they think just because they say they're going to change that everyone is supposed to jump and change the way they perceive them." I shook my head, "It doesn't work like that. It's going to take more than a couple of years to fix damage that's been going on for a lifetime."

"Roxas ...I'm a little bit …lost."

I rose from the window and began to pace again, "About three years ago, my father had a heart attack. You remember, right?"

"Yes." She nodded her head as if telling me to go on.

"After he got out, he wanted to talk to me. It was really brief but he told me that he wanted me to assume head of the family company. I worked there for that fall and left shortly after my twenty first birthday because I didn't want to do it anymore. I started to feel like it was a waste of time. I was still in my transitioning point around this time." I tapped my heel against the floor, "My father wasn't around much when I was a kid. He was always working. When he _was _around, he never really did anything with us. It was always my mother that took care of us. She'd always remind him that he had children that needed his attention and his response to her would always be that he had to work. Things got even worse for me in my teens and I didn't even talk to him after he kicked me out of the house when I was 17."

"They kicked you _out_? I thought you just went to live with Cloud because …" She paused, "… Well I just assumed you wanted to get away from them for awhile following the whole thing with Hayner …"

I shook my head, "No. He told me to get out and go live with Cloud when I came back from Arizona …"

"What about your mother, Roxas?"

"She felt … I think she felt like she was protecting me. Naminé, you don't know how _livid _my father was when that whole thing with Hayner happened. My mother feared that if I stayed in the house then … well … she didn't want to think about what might have happened." I sighed, "Anyway, I stayed with Cloud until Sora moved back down into the city and all that stuff with Axel happened." I bit my lip, "In that time though, my father went from being controlling and condescending … to someone who just … I don't know how to explain it. It was like he didn't care to fight anymore. And it wasn't in a good way. It was like he had given up on something … everything."

"Your family?"

"Yeah. He … he only cares for himself. He stopped being controlling and turned into someone that was just cold and uncaring." I closed my eyes, "It's why whenever someone asks me why don't I try and fix my relationship with him … I want to tell them that there's nothing _I _can fix. He's going to keep doing things the way he wants to do things. That heart attack may have changed him momentarily but it was only the catalyst for him to turn into the way he is right now. I know my mother is tired … and so is he. That's why I think they should just end it right here, right now."

"And you're just going to accept it like that? I mean, you said you only talked to your mother about it, right?" Naminé asked.

"He'd never elaborate." I shook my head, "He never was one to show emotion. And besides, what _else _can I do, Naminé? I don't want them together as much as they don't want to be together. When I saw my mother this past Thanksgiving I just thought about everything she's been through and it's … it's enough. I don't want to see this go on for any longer than it already does."

"Have you talked with Axel about any of this?" She asked.

"To some degree." I murmured as I stopped pacing and leaned against the window again, "But I don't want to burden him with too much. He's already going through enough as it is. That's why I came to you this time to talk about things."

"Hmm." Her sigh was a bit despondent as she picked up her charcoal again, "It just saddens me to hear this, Roxas. I don't know what it's like … but all of this must hurt a great deal. You've been through so much and … I just don't know how you do it." Naminé turned to me, "Do you internalize any of this? It's an awful weight to bear …"

"Honestly, Naminé, it's been going on for so long I think it goes right over my head. It's just another aspect of my life that I have to deal with. I'm used to it, no sense in crying."

She nodded sympathetically, "But you shouldn't hold it in, either."

"I don't anymore." I murmured. Her eyebrows rose in skepticism and I sighed in exasperation, "I _try _not to anymore."

"I can see that." She smiled as her eyebrows lowered, "When was the last time you cried, Roxas?"

"Okay, we're not going into that."

"Crying is perfectly healthy, you know?"

"You sound like Ansem."

"Your old therapist?" She laughed gently, "Mom always did say if I didn't follow in her footsteps as an artist that I should be a counselor of some sort."

"Hm," I glanced about the space we were in, "Where's Larxene?"

"Moved back to California." She replied as she smudged something on her canvas, "You know nothing ever happened between the two of us, right? We were just really good friends."

"Well that's one bet Axel lost."

"Excuse me?" She asked, pausing and looking at me with startled eyes.

"He said Larxene used to chew men up and spit them back out. Axel would know, he was one of them." I shuddered at the thought of the two of them together and turned my attention back to Naminé, "Said she was almost strictly into girls when she met him..."

"Well, you know as well as I know that I only date _men, _Roxas. No one is ever going to change _that_." She laughed to herself, "Anyway, Larxene said she was starting to hate New York and wanted to go back to California so she went. Why would you ever think that the two of us …?"

"Blame Axel." I shrugged.

"Hm." She grinned, "So how much did you bet?"

"A hundred."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. I'll get him for it later."

The both of us went quiet, Naminé working with her charcoal and I took to staring out the window again. I placed a hand on the cool glass and leaned forward so that my forehead rested against the window pane. I began watching the people on the street again.

"Naminé?"

"Yes?"

"…I need to know …is it rational to feel that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better again?"

"You've been through so much already, Roxas." Naminé started as she got off her stool and wiped her hands down on a towel. I could hear her walking in my direction and turned around. She took my hands into her stained ones and nodded her head in encouragement, "…I don't think you'll have trouble surviving through just a little bit more."

-x-

"Where've you been?"

I turned around to find Axel sitting at the island with his back to me. He was hunched over something that I couldn't see. "I went to see Naminé for a little while." I dropped my messenger bag by the front door and walked over to the island and leaned over his shoulder to see what he was doing. "Coloring, hm?"

"The lovely Ms. Fedorov, hm?" He asked, completely unashamed of being caught in the act either, "And, yes, I thought I'd take Dr. Ardenwell up on his form of Dr. Ramirez's totally amazing drawing therapy."

I leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek and turned around to look in the freezer for some sea-salt ice cream. "And is it working?"

"Dr. Ramirez thinks his version is better, but Dr. Ardenwell's works just as well." Axel swiveled around in his chair to look at me, "Your mom called while you were out."

I pulled two of them out and handed one to him, "Did she say what she wanted?"

He unwrapped the plastic covering and turned away from me, "Yeah. Wanted to know if we were using protection." Axel laughed when I hit him on the shoulder, "She didn't elaborate but she said it was important that you got back to her as soon as possible. Preferably before Sunday." Axel shrugged, "I don't know much beyond that. Methinks you should give her a call."

"Hm." I bit down on my ice cream, "Did you eat yet?"

"Nope."

"Did you feed the dog?"

"Yep."

I leaned against the counter, letting my mind wander as I ate my ice cream. I rose from the counter shortly after I had finished my ice cream and leaned into Axel's backside and linked my arms around his shoulders. He tensed slightly and then turned his head just so he could look at me.

"Rox?"

"How about I cook us dinner tonight?" I asked, "I'll make your favorite."

He looked at me incredulously and raised an eyebrow in amusement, "_You're _going to make **curry**?"

"Got any other favorites?" I deadpanned.

"We don't even have the ingredients." He glanced at the clock, "And it's almost nine o'clock. Don't you have school work that needs to get done? For example, those two papers you never finished, hm?"

I nuzzled my face into his neck and shook my head, "Those can wait. My first class isn't until eleven in the morning." I replied, "And even if I can't make the curry, I still wanna cook tonight."

"All the eating out we've been doing has you watching your girlish figure, eh?" He teased, "You promise not to burn whatever you want to make this time?"

"I don't _burn _things." I replied, pulling away from him.

He swiveled around in his chair and grinned, "Are you kidding me? We had to throw out the frying pan Sora gave us and buy a new one because a certain someone burned steak to the pan did they not?"

"That was _once_."

"One too many." He grinned, "Why don't we just call out again?"

"We've been calling out nearly every day for the past two weeks."

"Soooo …" He began, leaning back in the chair.

"So let me cook."

Axel grinned, "Alright. Promise not to burn it, though?"

"Shut up."

-x-

I called my mother the following day after I was done with class to find out what she wanted. She said that she wanted Sora, Rikku, Cloud and I to all come up to the house that following Sunday. There was something she and my father needed to discuss with the four of us. I already knew what it was. It was finally time.

It rained that Sunday.

Axel had asked me if I wanted him to come with me but I told him to stay home and rest. He'd already been through too much in the past week and I didn't need my insane family adding onto the stress he was already going through with his own.

Being that it was just going to be the four of us, Sora, Rikku and I agreed to meet at Cloud's house and we'd all drive up together. I stopped by Paine's apartment to get Rikku. Being that my sister absolutely refused to take the subway, we hailed down a taxi to take us to Cloud's place.

When we were situated in the taxi and on our way to Cloud's, Rikku took her glasses off. Her face was all scrunched up with worry, "You don't think it's bad, do you?"

I shrugged nonchalantly at her question. I already had a feeling as to what was about to go down today and I wasn't going to add fuel to that fire. Sora was already at Cloud's house when we got there. After saying hello to Tifa and seeing Marlene and Denzel for a brief moment, the four of us all piled into Cloud's BMW and we were off to our parent's house.

I felt nauseated for the entire ride. My hands were clammy and they wouldn't stop shaking. I could barely feel the lower half of my body. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a panic attack on our way up there. It's strange. Despite everything, I still tend to disassociate and lose touch with reality when it comes to interaction with entire family like this. It just brings me back to a point in my past that I want to bury, but I know it's impossible to do so all the time.

Cloud seemed to notice something was up too. I could tell from his body language. Even though my brother isn't exactly known for his sunny personality—(much like myself)—there's a difference between Cloud's usual quiet demeanor to the way he was now. He was frowning slightly as if he were thinking about something too hard. He was tense, rigid and he was gripping the steering wheel so tightly I thought he was going to snap it in two.

Sora was blissfully unaware of what was going on around him and chose to stare out the window at the passing scenery. He alternated between bouncing his legs and cracking his knuckles. He would change the radio station or check his phone every few minutes as a way of having something to do.

Rikku began the ride by staring out the window and then around the halfway point, she finally got fed up and broke the silence. If no one was going to ask the other what they thought this whole thing was about, leave it to Rikku to do so.

"All of you are acting incredibly shady right now." Rikku snapped, "Spill."

Sora turned around in his seat to look at Rikku, "Whaddaya mean, Rikku?"

"Cloud looks like he wants to run over every single car on this road. Sora, you can't seem to keep still and Roxas looks like he's two seconds away from having a nervous breakdown." Rikku answered, "Spill. Tell me what you know. Why does mom want all _four _of us to come up to the house _alone_?" She turned to her attention on Cloud first, "Cloud?"

"If I knew Rikku, I would have told you by now." He replied, glancing in the rear view mirror.

"Sora?"

"No idea." He switched the station on the radio again, "Mom just told me she wanted to see me as she did the rest of you."

"Roxas?" She asked, tilting her head to the side and narrowing her eyes, "You completely ignored me earlier when we were in the cab. You obviously know something that you're not telling the rest of us."

I turned away from her and turned to look out the window. It wasn't my place to tell her. Not like this. Not without our parents present.

"Roxas."

"Drop it, Rikku." I replied, closing my eyes. "Even if it's what I think it is, it isn't my place to tell you."

"That's _bullshit_!" Rikku snapped, slamming a balled fist down in the space between the two of us. "You're holding out and you need to tell us. If it's serious we all have the right to know, Roxas. Do you realize how selfish you're being right now?"

"I said to _drop _it." I snapped turning to look at her, "You'll know what it is when we get there."

"Wait, so, Roxas, you know?" Sora asked turning around in his chair, "No one's dying are they? It's not _bad _like that, is it?"

"No. Now can we please stop talking about this until we get to the house?" I replied turning away from the both of them. If they didn't stop with their questions I was just going to ignore them for the rest of the car ride. Rikku took to sulking in her corner of the car, arms crossed over her chest and glaring daggers at me. Sora went back to fiddling with the radio and Cloud was as silent as ever.

Finally, Cloud broke the silence by hitting the nail on the head, "They're getting a divorce." The tone in his voice indicated that it wasn't a question, "Don't lie to me, Roxas."

I could see Cloud glance at me out of the corner of his eye and I stared right back at him. I didn't even have to say anything for him to understand.

"Whaaa?" Sora asked, leaning forward in question. "You think?"

"I know." Cloud responded, "And if Roxas's silence is any indication, I'd say I'm right."

"They can't be." Rikku responded leaning forward into the space between Cloud and Sora in the front seat. She looked back to me for confirmation, her green eyes filling with what looked like distress, "Roxas?"

I looked at her briefly and then turned my attention back to the window. They didn't need my input on any of this.

"Stop going off into that little world in your head Roxas and talk to us!"

"Rikku." Cloud cut in, "Leave him alone."

Rikku huffed and crossed her arms over her chest again and fell back into her seat. She glanced at me once before turning to look out the window again. The four of us went quiet again. We were almost at my parent's house.

My phone vibrated in my pocket a little while later. When I pulled up my inbox, I had a text message from Axel asking me if everything was going okay. I sighed and asked him if he was going to be home all day. When he sent me back a confirmation of yes, I texted back that I'd tell him everything when I got back home. He texted me back a smiley face and I clicked my phone off.

Sora called ahead to let my mother know that we were close and when we arrived at the house she was standing in the driveway. Rikku was the first one out of the car followed by Sora, then me and finally Cloud. Rikku was already rushing up to our mother and throwing her arms around her before my mother got a word out. She smiled and patted Rikku's back in greeting and then turned to the rest of us.

"Let's go inside, hm?"

We followed her in through the front door and down a series of winding hallways toward my father's study. I instinctively tensed when we got there. A faint memory of what had transpired the last time I was in there instantly came to mind and I rubbed my arm in an effort to calm down. When my mother opened the doors, I saw my father was standing by one of the windows to the far left of the room with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Teier." My mother spoke, knocking him out of his reverie.

He turned around slowly and saw the five of us standing at the door. "Please. All of you sit." My mother walked to the right side of the study and sat down on the couch pushed against the wall there. Rikku followed her. I took a seat by the door and Sora sat down in a seat next to mine. Cloud chose to stand with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Cloud?" My father asked.

"I'll stand." He replied.

"Very well …" My father began. He took a seat at his desk and turned to my mother, "Shall I start?"

She nodded her head, "Please."

"I want to thank all of you for coming here." My father began, folding his hands together on top of his desk, "All of you are looking well …"

"Daddy, it's not true, is it?" Rikku spoke abruptly, cutting him off. She leaned forward, her green eyes large with distress, "Please tell me it's not true. You're not getting a divorce, are you?"

My father looked startled by her question and looked to my mother to quell my sister's worry. My mother placed a hand on Rikku's back and looked at my father in question. He nodded to her and she spoke. "We … are Rikku." My mother said. She shifted uncomfortably as she looked from Cloud, Sora and finally to me. Her eyes lingered on me for the longest, "It will be finalized by this Tuesday."

I turned to look at Rikku first. She was fiddling with the hem of her dress and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. Sora was startled at first, then pouty and looked as if he was about say something but couldn't find the words for it. Cloud … his features darkened considerably and he removed the hand he propped against the side of his face and straightened up at in the wake of my mother's confession.

"Afterwards, we will be selling this house unless one of you wishes to claim it." My father spoke, "Your mother and I will both be moving to our own separate places of residence. Do any of you have any questions?"

The room went quiet so my father looked to my mother to say something. She looked away from all of us and down at her clasped hands, "It's … for the best that things are this way. Your father and I aren't happy. The four of you are adults, you aren't children anymore. All of you will always be our children …but all of you have moved on and you all have lives of your own now. So … we thought it would be best if we did it now."

Cloud crossed his arms over his chest, "Why?" My mother looked as though she was about to answer his question, but Cloud shook his head at her and stopped her. "No. I want our father to speak for once in his life. I want him to stop relying on you to communicate with us."

"We have grown apart, Cloud, and it is helping neither one of us to continue this relationship as it is. Please understand that none of you had anything to do with our choice to do this. Your mother and I have conversed with each other for a long time on this matter and we have decided that this is the best way to do things." My father shifted in his chair, "Do you have any more questions?"

Sora glanced toward me and I shook my head at him. I was staying out of this one. I would let everyone around me self destruct today, I wanted to stay out of it. Cloud shifted as if he were thinking of something to say, seemingly unsatisfied with the reasoning my father just gave him.

"Grown apart?" Rikku repeated in question a little while later. My mother was still rubbing Rikku's back as my sister was trying to hold back her tears, "That's bullshit, dad. I know our family hasn't always been the greatest and we've gone through some pretty rough times but to say you've simply grown apart is fucking _bullshit_!" Her voice rose now as she got to her feet, "I came back to New York hoping to find something, some means of stability. But, it's being ripped from underneath my feet before I can even stand on it. This is fucked up! All of you are fucked up!"

"Rikku." My father began but she cut him off before he could finish.

"Don't you _Rikku_, me!" She glanced about the room and then back at my father, "Do you know what you're throwing away?" She glanced at my mother, as she turned around and backed up toward the center of the room. "Do _both _of you know what you're throwing away? I can't be the only one that feels like this."

"I …" Sora began to my left and Rikku turned around to face him, "…Mom … Dad … the two of you haven't always had the best relationship …" He bit his lip and looked between my father and then my mother, "But … but what happened to working it out after dad had his heart attack? I mean … you two were the happiest I've seen you in a really long time. What _happened_?"

My mother was at a loss for words so my father took the floor, "Sora, we are both tired of trying. The circumstances under which your mother and I married were dire and we tried to make it work, and yet—"

"Don't look for a wall to speak back to you no matter how many times you beat and scream at it." Cloud muttered, uncrossing his arms from over his chest, "The only reason the two of you got married was because mom got pregnant with me and you couldn't have a child out of wedlock, now could you? Everything has always been lies and it still is. Did you even love each other? Or was this marriage all about appearances too?"

My father sighed heavily, "Cloud, understand that I come from an old fashioned family. It would have been improper for your mother to give birth to you and I didn't marry her and—"

"Enough." Cloud said, holding out his hand and stopping my father from continuing, "You married her and what? You had three more kids and forgot about them, too. Sora, Roxas and Rikku probably barely remember any of this because all of them were too young. But, who was the one that broke up the fights between you and mom late at night? I did. Who was the one who stayed up late at night to make sure his siblings were asleep while mom was fighting fatigue? I did. Who assumed responsibilities well beyond his years, all for the sake of trying to help his family? I did." He glanced at my mother, "You two married for all the wrong reasons and now you finally realize it after all these years. Go on and finalize things and be done with all of this. Put everything to rest."

"Are you even _listening _to what you're saying, Cloud?" Rikku asked, walking toward Cloud. "You're going to encourage them to go through with this? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Rikku, you don't understand at all." Cloud began, "You never did. We spent too much time trying to shelter you all the time but you need to understand—"

"I already _UNDERSTAND _it, Cloud!" Rikku shouted back at him.

Sora stood up now, "Rikku, yelling isn't going to help. I know you're angry, we all are. But, please, hear mom and dad out for just a little while longer would you?"

"Please, Sora! You've only said two words since we've been here!" And then she turned to me, "And Roxas—Roxas—you've been lying to _all _of us for the entire time! How long have you known about this and you didn't say anything? Furthermore, how can you just _sit _there and not say anything?"

"Rikku, honey, please. _Sit down_." My mother said as she rose to her feet, "And don't blame Roxas, Rikku. I didn't want him to tell any of you until we all got you together like this."

I stared at Cloud who was still standing by the door with his arms crossed over his chest, then to Sora who was still standing and watching my mother try to get Rikku under control. Rikku was still waiting for an answer from me. So I got to my feet and glanced about the room to see if I held all of their attention. I'd been holding my tongue for too long in all of this. I said I didn't want to get involved, but I had to after that little outburst.

"No, mom. She's right. Blame me, Rikku." I began, "Go on. Do it. I've been blamed for just about every other catastrophic thing that's ever happened in this family. Might as well get blamed for this divorce, too."

"Roxas." My mother began, "Roxas, _don't_. Please?"

"From the day of my birth I've been the odd child out. There was, Cloud, first born, always looking out for his siblings when his father wasn't there. You don't think I remember, but I do. I remember all the small things you used to do for us like distracting us from the fighting and the yelling. Trying to smooth things out and make them okay for the rest of us. You took on the ugly side for as long as you could until you were old enough to move out and we were old enough to defend ourselves." I turned from Cloud to Sora, "Sora, second born, my twin brother, the popular child. Always there to crack a joke and see the brighter side of things. Always getting into trouble but one look at you and you were forgiven instantly. You were the mediator, trying to bridge the gap between good and bad, always straddling the middle ground. An optimist to the end, you chose to see the brightest option and refused to give into the reality of the situation." I glanced at Rikku, "…Rikku, the youngest and only girl. We coddled you and protected you as much as we could. Whatever you demanded from us, we made sure to give you. Out of all of us, you never saw the façade this family wore; you were too young, too sheltered to know what was really going on. Not until much later."

The room grew silent as that moment. Rikku looked away from me, Sora was sitting down in his chair and Cloud was staring right at me. My mother's hands were pressed to her lips and she seemed to be waiting with bated breath for me to finish.

"But where do I fit in this equation?" I walked over to my father's desk and leaned against its edge so that my back was to everyone, "How far should I go back? How about we start with Xemnas? My father's ever so important busy partner who sexually abused me for nearly four years? Let's see, you were too busy working to ever notice anything, weren't you? And then when you found out, let's blame Roxas. Let's blame a seven year old _child_ for the things that an _adult _did to him. Mom defended me and you acted as though you were hell bent on killing me." I glanced over my shoulder and my father refused to meet my eyes, "Let's see … what's next? Oh, Hayner. Of course, everyone's favorite topic. Got hooked on drugs for a little while during that period didn't I? I wasn't seeing Ansem anymore so I had to find some new outlet." I sighed, "Hayner overdoses, I get kicked out the house, shipped off to rehab, go to live with Cloud, get virtually cut off from my family for the next three or four years. Suicide attempt one is a fail, almost succeed with suicide attempt two and then …"

I stood up straight and turned around so I was facing everyone. Rikku had both of her hands held to her mouth in shock. My mother refused to meet my eyes; my father had both of his hands clasped in front of him and he was also looking down at his desk. Cloud was still watching me and it looked like it pained Sora to hear all of this coming from my mouth.

"I finally met someone who gave me a reason … who made me feel like I had a reason to live. Regardless of all that had happened in my past, he actually accepted me for everything that I was. Surly attitude, fucked up mentality, distrustful nature, none of it deterred him. He never blamed me for one thing." I laughed darkly, "Us being gathered today …it isn't just to talk about this divorce, it's also to bring to light every little dark secret that some of you refuse to acknowledge." I turned to my oldest brother, "Everything that Cloud has said here today has some relevance in this matter. This divorce doesn't just concern the two of you; it concerns _all _us because we _came _from the two of you."

"Roxas …" My mother rose to her feet and took a few steps forward but I stopped her.

"You know … I think I've tried." I turned back to my father, "When you got ill a few years ago, I thought that maybe I could try and fix things with you. I really did. But you … you stopped being controlling and condescending and you just didn't care. You gave up on everyone but yourself." I gestured toward my mother, "She's just one more thing to fall prey to your ever growing apathy."

"Roxas." My father was speaking through what appeared to be clenched teeth now, "I'm asking you once to mind what you say."

"Anyone can say what they want … but when I bring it to the forefront it's always an issue, isn't it?" I laughed darkly again and turned away from my father, "You want to know how I feel about this whole thing? You two …just do what you have to do to get yourselves together. Get this divorce, move out, go on with your own separate lives. Keep things fragmented as they've always been. Keep chopping, keep breaking everything apart." I said as I walked over to my chair to retrieve my coat, "One day you might just get to the root of things and destroy all of it."

"Roxas, honey, please …"

I shook my head at my mother, "Just do me a favor, will you? Leave me the fuck out of it. Because I've had enough with this lie I have to call my family." I reached for the door of the study and let myself out. I heard my mother and father both calling my name at the same time, but I paid them no attention as I headed straight for the front door of the house.

-x-

I had no idea where I was going.

As soon as I started walking out of my parent's house, I didn't stop. I needed to get away from that house and just go somewhere. _Anywhere_ but there. It was raining as I left, so I threw my hood up and pressed on to wherever I was headed.

I wouldn't deny that I was upset after what had just transpired.

I would be lying if I said this whole divorce thing didn't faze me. I've come to terms that my family will never be what I want them to be. I'll have my mother and my siblings, but my father will never be the man that he should have been. I understand that. But, this divorce is just another slap in the face that proves that.

He barely said anything to us at all; my mother was the one that did all the talking. They may have called us up there to discuss their divorce, but they should have known that that would have unearthed feelings that all of us have long kept buried. I didn't want to say anything because I knew it would lead to something like this. But … what Rikku said … and then my mother… it doesn't take much to bring me back to the past given the right provocation… and just… I fucking hate this.

There was a pressure building in my nose and I did nothing to stifle the tears that started to fall freely down my face as I walked. It didn't matter as they mixed with the rain that was already obscuring my vision. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out to see who it was. _Rikku_. I pocketed my phone again and ignored her call. I got another call from Sora a little while later and then my mother called me. I ignored all of them.

It was starting to get dark the further I walked, but the rain was beginning to taper off. As I stopped to survey my surroundings, I found myself down the street from a small café called _Oerba._ I took the liberty to head there for the moment so I could try and gain my bearings.

The café wasn't busy; in fact it was almost desolate. A perky, red haired hostess was already waiting to seat me when I walked in. She sat me in a booth near the back of the café and I accepted a menu from her when she handed it to me. She told me to take my time in deciding what I wanted to order and then she walked away after I thanked her again. As soon as I was alone, I wiped the water from my eyes, pulled my phone out my pocket and instantly hit the first number on speed dial. Axel.

I leaned back into the booth chair, silently praying that he would pick up already before I lost it again. I got him on the fourth ring.

"M'llo?"

"Axel." I began, covering my mouth slightly with my hand and rested my elbow on the table.

"…Roxas?" He asked. I heard some shuffling and then he yawned into the phone, "Hey … it's … almost five o'clock. Where are you?"

"I don't know." I mumbled.

"You don't know? Rox, what happened? Are you okay?" He sounded more alert now. He must have been sleeping.

"Yes, I don't know where I am. I can't tell you what happened now and no, I'm not okay." I glanced about me and lowered my voice further, "I … can you come get me? _Please_? I'm at some café called _Oerba_. I don't have any idea where I am."

"Okay, okay, slow down." I heard him knock into something and curse under his breath, "Where are you? I thought you were at your parent's house? And where are your brothers and sister? Weren't you with them?"

"Shit happened." I muttered, "I left."

"_You _left?"

"They pissed me off and I left." I repeated. "I'm not going back there."

"Rox … shit …" I could hear him thumping around and zipping something up, "Alright, I'm on my way. What's the name of this place again?"

"Oerba. I don't know, I walked from my parent's house to here. Put it in the GPS and see if it pops up." I sighed, "And please. Hurry?"

"Alright, alright. I'm on my way now. Sit tight, okay? Order yourself some tea or something and breathe. I'll be there soon."

I got off the phone with Axel and set my phone down by my side. It buzzed a few seconds later and I clicked it off. More texts or calls from my family, most likely. They didn't get it; I don't want to be bothered. I picked my head up to see a waitress coming my way to take my order. She was a young looking girl with pale pink hair that was pulled into a ponytail on the side of her head. She was holding a small steaming mug on a plate in front of her and set it down in front of me.

"On the house." She smiled warmly at me, "Fang said you looked like you needed it."

"Fang?" I questioned.

She pointed to a tall, tan skinned woman with dark hair who was currently talking to some large blonde man at the bar. "I'm Serah by the way. I'll be your waitress for the evening." Serah removed a pad from the apron at her waist, "Are you ready to order? Or do you need more time?"

"Oh …" I opened the menu and surveyed the selection, "I'll take a BLT …"

"Would you like fries or a salad with that?"

"Fries." I mumbled, pushing the menu off her way.

"Okay. Thank you, I'll put the order in right away." Serah smiled, "You just relax and drink your hot chocolate and I'll be back in no time with your food."

I nodded silently in thanks to her and she toddled off in the direction of the bar. The blonde man instantly grabbed onto her and she laughed and hit at him with the menu I had just given back to her. The woman named Fang said something else and the three of them laughed together at whatever she said.

I sipped at my hot chocolate. It was actually pretty good. I cautiously removed my hood from my head and shrugged myself out of my jacket and tossed it to the side of me. I doubt I would get recognized in a place so sparsely populated like this, and even if I was, I doubt anyone would bother me like they did in the city.

My BLT arrived sooner than I expected, but I merely picked at it and didn't eat much. It had started raining again and I was soon lost in my thoughts as I waited for Axel to get here. I think I was in the café for nearly an hour before I heard the door jingle and a flash of red out of the corner of my eye.

"Rox!" I picked my head up to see Axel standing in the front of the café with his phone clutched in his hand. His hair was matted to his head and he was soaked. Instead of showing him to a table, the hostess followed after him with a menu and gave it to him after he settled into the other side of the booth, "Sheesh, this place is really out of the way."

"But you found it." I replied, "And good job not calling attention to yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. There's like … no one in here." He shrugged himself out of his leather jacket and threw it to the side of him, "Sora called me."

"Yeah?"

"He asked me where you were or if you'd called me." He replied. "Said you weren't picking up your phone."

"Did you tell him?"

"No." Axel replied. "But I asked him what happened. Sounds like it was a mess, Rox."

"Fuck them." I said, crossing my arms. "I went where no one wanted to go. That's what happened."

"Rox …"

His thought went unfinished when Serah came back around with two mugs balanced on plates. One for Axel and another for me. "This one's on the house too." She turned to wink at me and then looked back at Axel who gave me a questioning look. She grinned, "Are you ready to order?"

"Uhhh … I'll take a caeser salad." Axel said, handing her his menu and she disappeared to place the order, "On the house?" He asked.

"Nevermind." I replied, waving away his question. "…I was going to stay quiet for the whole thing but I couldn't. It got to be too much. Too many accusations, yelling and screaming. It was civil for two seconds before everyone started accusing the other of whatever. I said my peace and then I left. I don't want to be bothered by them. I've had enough."

"…You look like it." He murmured leaning forward to swipe his thumb just under my left eye to feel around at the skin there. "Your eyes are red …you been crying?" When I didn't answer he sighed, "Was it that bad?"

"I hate them." I replied, grinding the edges of my palms into my eyes to prevent the water that was gathering there from falling.

"Well … I've got something that'll make you smile."

"What?" I asked, still covering one of my eyes with my hands and staring at him.

"I'm here now." He replied, patting my hand gently and then jabbed at a piece of chicken in his salad. Axel leaned in after he finished chewing and grinned slyly, "And I'm going to take you home in a few … and we'll eat sea-salt ice cream while we sit down on the couch. And you can tell me all about how you want to kill your family and want nothing to do with them, because I'm feeling just about the same right now. Sound good?"

"Yeah." I muttered feeling a little bit better at the thought of what Axel had just said. I looked down at his plate of food, "Are you going to eat?"

"Nah, gonna get it to go." He yawned, "You know you woke me up out of a really nice dream?"

I called Serah over before he could even finish his statement and told her we were ready for the bill. After wrapping up our food, Axel and I got ready to leave and said goodbye to Serah and whoever else was still in the café wrapping up for the night. As we were in the car waiting for it to warm up, Axel pulled out the receipt and tapped my shoulder.

"Hey, that girl wrote something on our receipt … 'Seeing the two of you in person is better than any tabloid. You guys are too cute. You better stay together!' … followed by a multitude of hearts."

"You're lying." I took the receipt from Axel expecting to see that he had made it all up but I saw everything he had just mentioned and sighed in annoyance. I glanced up into the front of the café to see the hostess and our waitress peaking outside the front windows. They instantly ducked when they saw I was looking.

"See, I'm not the only one that thinks you're cute." Axel teased, ruffling my hair gently.

I sighed loudly and crumpled the receipt in my hand. "Let's just get home, already. Please?"

Axel chuckled lightly as he put the car into reverse and began to back up into the street, "Aye, aye, Roxas."


	9. The Parish of Space Dust

**9; the parish of space dust**

The chill of winter gripped Manhattan as December progressed. The temperatures dropped, the days of prolonged light steadily declined and a somewhat somber, yet festive air took over the city. The holiday season was here once again and it was sending everyone into a tizzy. Festive lights were strung about the trees, screams of sales and offerings littered every crowded sidewalk and the havoc of the streets increased tenfold.

But I had other things on my mind.

Like my finals for one. I was literally buried in my books for the last few weeks of the semester. At the loft, in the studio (Axel dragged me there on weekends to listen to how the album was coming along) and anywhere else that I could get studying in. My days consisted of eating, sleeping, studying and nothing more—(which distressed Axel's libido quite a bit).

I ...hadn't thought too much of my family since our catastrophic meeting earlier in the month. My mother called me a couple of times to talk. Actually, it was more or less to check up on me. Of course, I had no contact with my father.

My siblings weren't too far behind, either. Cloud, as I expected, dealt with the whole thing with more poise than any of us could. We had a couple of long talks about our family dynamic and what changes would transpire given everything that was about to happen soon. He seemed to be ready, willing at the very least; to maintain the equilibrium should it threaten to completely fall apart.

Sora was dealing with things better than I thought. Ever cheerful, ever positive, ever optimistic. He said he wouldn't think too hard about our mother and father but would offer whatever support he could give to the two of them to make everything was okay. Rikku … my little sister was a bundle of nervous energy. I couldn't get much out of her but I could tell she wasn't in the best of spirits from how short our conversations had become over the following weeks. She always had to go out and do something or she'd claim she had some work that needed to be done so we never stayed on the phone for too long. I couldn't blame her, though. I knew Rikku would take this the hardest … and I wouldn't deny that I was a little worried about her right now. Either way, I couldn't let my family issues get in the way of school work.

Twenty eight cups of coffee, five exams, three papers, three broken mechanical pencils, two busted pens and one minor mental break down later; I was walking into the loft on the afternoon after my final exam just about ready to crash. I dropped my messenger bag on the floor by the door and stumbled through the darkened space over to the couch in the living room. I immediately collapsed onto the couch in a sigh of relief. I was prepared to sleep the next four and a half weeks away and it would start _now_.

However, I live with a certain tenacious redhead who usually has plans that conflict with my own.

"Oh, _Rox~as_."

I immediately shot off the couch in surprise and whipped my head around in the direction of the voice. Axel was leaning against the wall in nothing but a pair of jeans, his arms crossed over his chest and a grin on his face. "Don't _do _that." I said, holding a hand to my chest to still my hammering heart.

"Do _what_?" He asked, his grin only intensifying.

"Don't play dumb." I said, settling down. "What are you doing home, anyway? I thought you were at the studio?"

He rose off the wall and slowly began walking over to me, "Mmm, I was supposed to but we decided to give it a bit of a break for awhile." Axel paused by the couch with his hands on his hips and cocked his head to the side, "Well?"

I lay back down on the couch and heard the faint jingle of Axel's necklace as he leaned forward. My eyes were drawn to the promise ring hanging from the chain, "I'm done. Fifth semester down, three more to go." I mumbled with a sigh of relief.

He smiled softly and leaned forward to kiss me on the cheek, "You've been working too hard, you know? I feel like I've barely seen you at all in the past two and a half weeks."

I raised my eyebrows tiredly, "I could say the same for you."

"Nah," Axel began, moving away from me, "I thought I got absorbed in my work but you've got me beat. You lose touch with everything around you but what you're focused on, you know?"

I sighed, "Making up for lost time, I guess."

He smiled and sat down on the couch. I shifted over slightly so he had a little bit of room to lie down next to me. Between Axel being skin and bones and me being the height of your average teenage girl, we somehow manage to fit together into even the tiniest of places.

"Don't be in a rush to finish," Axel said, folding his arms over his bare stomach. He was staring up at the ceiling just like I was, "Before you know it you'll be saying you want to go back. What final did you have today, anyway?"

"Anthropology. I never want to hear the word _Australopithecus_ ever again."

"Austro … Australia? Austria? _What_?" Axel asked, chuckling lowly as he turned on his side to look at me. He threw his arm over the middle of my abdomen and pulled me closer to him.

I shrugged, allowing myself to be pulled into his half embrace, "Nothing." I muttered and closed my eyes as I settled into the couch. Over the silence that permeated throughout the loft, I could hear the faint clicking of that stupid, obnoxious looking cat clock Demyx had gotten us, in the kitchen. The sun was beginning to set, sending cascading tendrils of light across the floor of the living room through the slightly cracked blinds of the window near us.

Axel shifted and I allowed myself to be pulled in further. He squeezed my hip and sighed contently, "When was the last time we go to just lay together like this?"

"Last night when we went to bed." I replied.

"No. Need I remind you that you came to bed at _three _last night? And you didn't even bother to wake me up before you left this morning."

"I kissed you on the cheek before I left, drama queen."

"But, I _wasn't awake _now was I?" He asked, picking his head up to look down at me and frowned slightly.

"You were snoring away." I said, snorting at the thought of Axel drooling away on his pillow earlier this morning, "And we all know how combative you get when people wake you up out of your sleep."

"No excuse not to wake me up." Axel replied, feigning hurt.

"_You_ do it all the time." I said, looking pointedly at him.

"But at _least _unlike _some _people, I make sure to have my presence linger about the loft so if I don't wake a certain _someone up, they _know that I was _thinking _about them before I leave them in the _morning_."

"You are _such _a girl," I rolled my eyes at him and then turned over to kiss him on the cheek so he would stop pouting, "Okay, fine, I promise not to do it anymore. But don't start bitching and complaining to me if I wake you up out of your beauty sleep. And don't you even _dare _think of attacking me when you wake up or I will revoke your rights to my cock and my ass for a fucking_ month_."

"No, _you're _a girl_, _Roxas." Axel retorted, "… Though, can we push that no rights to your cock or ass rule out the window? I mean, I can't be held accountable for my actions when I'm half asleep."

"Deal or no deal." I snapped, closing my eyes.

"Fineeeee …" He huffed, falling down by my side again. He was silent for a moment as he seemed to be thinking, "But, going back to what I was saying before we got sidetracked. I mean, really, when was the last time we had time to just lie around without thinking of anything that needed our immediate attention?"

"…It's been awhile." I murmured, opening my eyes slightly.

"These past few weeks haven't been easy."

"I know." I replied, feeling my stomach lurch slightly, "It would be better if I had slept through most of it."

"You're okay with your family, aren't you?" He asked.

"I've been keeping a bit of distance," I replied. "We talked. My mother, Sora, Cloud and Rikku and I, but I didn't … I can't really put my focus on the four of them right now. I was absorbed with finals for most of this month so my attention has been elsewhere … you know that." I glanced up at him, "What about you?"

He shifted in discomfort and wouldn't meet my eyes, "Avó's settling back into normal life and she tells me not to worry … but I've got to head up to the house sometime soon and check on her. Can't depend on that woman that calls herself my mother to do shit, now can I?"

"How … are you with …?"

"It's a process, Rox." His eyes slowly came around to look at me, "The initial shock is over, just a matter of coping now." Axel frowned slightly, "You can say it, you know."

"I just wasn't sure if …"

"It's fine, Rox." Axel murmured.

I made a sound in the back of my throat that let him know I had understood what he just told me and sighed lowly. The hand on my hip tightened a bit and I could feel his thumb moving away the ends of my turtleneck so he could expose the skin of my hip slightly. His fingers intertwined with the belt loop of my jeans and I turned to look at him.

I could see something calculating in Axel's eyes even in the dimly lit living room. Axel's lips pressed again mine and I closed my eyes in response. In an instant he was rolling me underneath him, pinning me between his body and the couch and sliding his knee between my thighs. I could feel him poking my lower stomach.

"And, you know, I think it's been too long for other things." I murmured when he pulled away and began his lazy descent down my neck, "You're a hornball, you know?"

"**No**. I'm a repressed man, Roxas." Axel pulled away slightly to look down at me, "Do you know how _insane_ you've driven me with your 'no-sex-until-my-finals-are-over' rule? You ever think it might have done you some good? Might have helped you to relieve some _tension_."

"According to you maybe." I countered, rolling my eyes as he went back to sucking on my neck and I flinched instinctively, "Is that why you're home? So you can finally get into my pants?"

"No…" Axel replied as he reached down to gather the ends of my turtle neck and prepared to pull it off my body, "…Yes."

"You're unbelievable sometimes."

"That's my middle name."

I caught him by the wrists when my shirt was halfway up my stomach and pulled it back down, "Okay. Okay, can we _not _do it on the couch, though?"

"_Roxas_." He groaned, trying to tug on my shirt. "You're killing me here."

"…Last time we did it on the damn couch, you kept hitting my fucking head against the arm rest." I replied, holding firm to his wrists. I glanced toward the hallway that led to our bedroom, "I'd prefer it if—"

Axel didn't need any further instruction as he immediately rolled off of me, knelt down by the couch and hoisted me into his arms and was off in the direction of our bedroom. I swear he _kicked _open the door as he neared it and ended up startling Soro out of her sleep on the center of our bed. She barked upon seeing us, but Axel paid her no attention as he fell onto the bed with me under him. Axel leaned over to pick her up and set her down on the floor where she started whining dejectedly.

He moved to straddle my hips and peered down at me in question, "Are we good now?"

"Are we good now?—God, _Axel_—really?"

"I mean …" He lowered himself and I followed, feeling my back connect with the bed as Axel leered down at me. I could see one of those infamous devil may care grins peeking out from the side of his mouth as he lowered himself down to my ear and whispered, "…_Roxas, _are you_ ready _for me to fuck you _senseless_?"

I lost my ability to speak in the moments that ensued.

-x-

The phone wouldn't stop ringing.

It started out faint, as if it were all a part of a dream I was having. But steadily, it's shrill got louder and louder as I regained consciousness and rejoined the land of the living. I don't know how long we had been asleep for, but our room was completely dark when I woke up. I could hear the faint honking of cars coming from the street below.

"Just kick the damn phone to the fucking floor, Rox." Axel mumbled from behind me, "I wanna sleep."

I opened my sleep laden eyes to gaze up at the clock by my bed and groaned, "That's physically impossible for me to do." It was eight in the evening. It wasn't even that late, but I just wanted to sleep what remained of the day away. I was exhausted and Axel had used up whatever energy I had left in my already depleted reserves.

Axel shot up irritably after the phone rang for what appeared to be the third time and reached over to side of the bed to pick it up. After clicking it on, I heard him speaking through clenched teeth. _"What?" _He seemed to be listening to whoever was on the other line and his tone quickly changed, "Oh … really? Erm, yeah, sorry. I was sleeping. I … yeah, okay, send her right up."

I turned over to look at him in the darkness, "Who was that?"

"Auron," Axel replied, clicking the phone off. He reached over me to set the phone back in its cradle and then steadily moved off the bed and stood up. "Your mother is coming upstairs."

"_**WHAT**_?" I barked, my eyes connecting with his backside as he stretched languidly, "What in the _hell _do you mean my _mother_ is coming upstairs?"

"Just what I said, babe. And …I know she gave birth to you like that, but you might wanna put some clothes on and get out of your birthday suit." He answered, shimmying his way into his discarded jeans on the floor and buttoning them up. He disappeared into the closet and came out a second later, pulling on a faded shirt, "I'll stall while you get ready. You might want to hop in the shower real quick ... cause you know ..." He gestured toward my stomach area and saluted me once as he left the room.

I immediately got out of bed, stumbled across the way to the bathroom and began running a water for a quick shower. There was no way I could see my mother after … well … being in the state that I was currently in. I got in, rinsed off as fast as I could and then returned to my room to find something quick to throw on. I was toweling down my hair when I could hear her and Axel talking in the living room as I leaned out of the bedroom door.

"…Oh, no, I got your address from Sora. I tried calling Roxas but his phone was off … I hope I'm not interrupting the two of you, am I?"

…And was that babbling babies? …Marlene and Denzel?

"Nah, I was just sleeping. Rox is in the shower right about now, he should be out soon."

"Hm, I see." I could hear her high heels clicking against the wood floors, "How are you Axel?"

"I'm good …Mrs. A … er … Sabel." He laughed a bit, "Been working here and there."

"You're a musician, right? What type of music did you say you played again?" I heard her heels moving across the floor again.

"Rock … I guess you can group me in with the alternative bunch but I like to think we dabble in everything." Axel's voice faded away from the hallway and I could barely make out him asking my mother why she was in the city for the night.

I toweled down the rest of my hair and threw my towel on the bed. Soro followed me out of the room as I headed for the living room where I could hear my mother's distinctive laugh coming from the kitchen. "Mom?"

She and Axel turned around as the same time and her eyes lit up. Sure enough she had my niece and nephew with her. Marlene was currently propped up in her lap on the sofa and Axel was currently making stupid faces at my niece. Denzel was still bundled up and asleep in their joint stroller. My mother rose to her feet, bringing Marlene into her arms, "Roxas! There you are."

"Yeah …" I said watching Soro jump up onto the couch and settle in behind Axel, "What … are you doing here?"

"Now is that anyway to speak to your mother?" She asked me, narrowing her eyes in question.

"No, I didn't mean it—"

"I'm just playing, hon." She teased, giving Marlene over to Axel as she was making grabbing motions in his direction. That made four people now. "I know, I know, what am I doing in the city, right? Well, for one, I'm babysitting for your brother tonight. He and Tifa went out to Broadway to see some obscure play that's showing tonight. You know how the shows get around this time of year. Anyway, being that all of my children _live _in the city, I thought I'd make my rounds, you know?"

"That's … a lot of traveling, mom."

"Well, I saw Sora this afternoon before I got to Cloud's so I didn't have these two with me." She gestured at Denzel who was still sleeping and then at Marlene who was laughing her head off at whatever Axel was saying to her. "Your sister …" She began trailing off.

"Missing in action?" I asked, not surprised at all.

"No, she was out with someone. …What did Paine say? Gippal! She was out with Gippal." My mother said, "I was surprised to be honest. Gippal of all people. I remember your sister saying she was going to cut his head off after they broke up before she left for England."

"Well, Rikku is always full of surprises." I muttered, sitting down in the recliner by the coffee table, "Sora?"

"He was home with Riku. My, _God_, Roxas. Their house is a _mess_!" His mother said a grin unfurling on her face, "I remember yelling at you and Sora constantly to clean your room as kids but now I see who the real culprit always was."

"So you were a neat freak even as a child, Rox?" Axel asked bemusedly as he turned away from Marlene. She was currently standing in his lap, bouncing up and down on her legs while he held her tiny hands in his own.

My mother laughed, "Don't tease him, Axel. Be thankful you don't live with Sora." She glanced at me, "They really need a bigger space for the sheer amount of stuff they have. Sora moved in with Riku, didn't he? They should have done like the two of you and just looked for a new place all together. There's so much _stuff_. Have you been there?"

"We had to help them move in." I replied, "I know what the mess looks like. It's the main reason why I don't _go _there. I never know what might come crawling out of the mess and attack me."

"Sounds like Dem's room." Axel commented offhandedly.

"Who?" My mother asked curiously.

"No one important." I muttered.

"Oh!" My mother said, clapping her hands together. She walked over to the stroller and reached into the bottom compartment, "You … have a package. Your doorman asked me to bring it up to you." She came back and flipped the box back and forth in a curious manner, "…Toys?" She asked for clarification.

Axel had to look away from the two of us to contain his laughter. I was going to _kill _him. I took the package away from my mother and tucked it under my arm, "It's … nothing." I replied, setting it on the floor and kicking it in the direction of the hallway to retrieve for later.

"I see …" She murmured, perplexed by my reaction, "So, what did the two of you do today?"

"Finals." I replied.

"Uhhh …" Axel began glancing at my mother as she looked at him expectantly, "… I slept all day to be honest."

"Hm, really?" My mother stepped between the two of us, "Can I ask the two of you something?"

"Yes?" I asked, raising my eyebrows curiously.

"_Where _is your **tree**?"

Axel and I haven't really established a 'Christmas tradition' so to speak. In the last few years that I lived with Sora, the two of us always had a tree and last year Axel and I spent Christmas at the old loft with Zexion and Demyx. This year we were thinking of having everyone over for a Christmas party or dinner of some sort but … I don't know if that was going to happen.

For one, both of us were on slight outs with our families. Two, well, there really was no two. We just hadn't discussed it much. I tossed the idea out there back in early October but that's all it had been, an idea. Well, thinking about it now, I guess two could be the fact that we didn't have a tree. Who has a Christmas party without a festive looking house complete with the overtly gaudy Christmas tree in the center of the living room?

I shrugged at my mother's question, "We haven't gotten it yet."

"Roxas, Christmas is in a _week_."

"We've been busy." I muttered in response.

"Axel just said he spent the day sleeping and I'm pretty sure you haven't had finals all day long, young man." My mother snapped. She looked determined and I groaned mentally. "Tomorrow …what are the two of you doing?"

Axel glanced at me as if for some type of cue in how to approach my mother and I interjected before he could say anything, "Nothing I suppose." I held out a hand before she could continue, "Mom, really, it's okay. We don't have to get a tree—."

"Roxas Ardenwell, I'm _surprised _at you." My mother said, sitting down on the kitchen island. She crossed her legs and turned to Axel, "I guess Roxas has been tight lipped on what Christmas was like when he was a kid, hasn't he?"

"Hmm," Axel asked, gathering Marlene up in his arms. He turned to look over his shoulder at me and I rolled my eyes at him. This was about to turn into a conspiracy, I could already see it. "He has, actually."

"Well," My mother began, gesturing wildly with her hands, "Back when we used to live on the Upper East Side, we _always _had a huge tree. We'd get it during the second week of December and Cloud, Sora, Roxas and Rikku would decorate it." She turned to me and smiled, "I distinctly remember the yearly arguments between Rikku and Sora. They'd always throw a fit over who got to hang the star up top. Roxas and Cloud, though, they didn't care too much about it." She chuckled at the thought and turned back to me, "Tomorrow, if the two of you aren't too busy _sleeping _all day like a bunch of lazy bums_, _why don't we head out and I take the two of you tree hunting? I'm staying with Cloud and Tifa for the night but I can spend an extra day or two in the city."

"Mom..."

"Hush, Roxas." My mother turned to Axel, exuberance emanating off of her, "Axel?"

He turned around to face my mother again and winced when Marlene tugged on a hunk of his hair. Good, there was retribution, "Yes?"

"Forget about Roxas being in the room right now." She said, nodding my way, "Would you like to go tree hunting tomorrow?"

"Well," Axel began as he got to his feet with Marlene tucked into his arms. He walked over in my mother's direction and handed Marlene over and leaned against the island with his arms over his chest. He glanced my way and then back at my mother, "I wouldn't mind … but I'm not going to drag Roxas out the house if he doesn't feel up to it."

My mother glanced at Axel and then turned to me, "Loyal to a fault. Hon, where'd you find this one, huh?"

"Don't encourage him." I muttered, walking over to the couch and sat down next to Soro. I glanced at Denzel who was still sleeping in the carriage and sighed in defeat, "All right. All right. We can do it."

Her eyes lit up and she walked over my way and leaned down to kiss me on my cheek. Marlene was squished between the two of us and she whined in annoyance. My mom cradled my niece's head in her hands and silently apologized before turning her attention back on me, "See, a little push is all you need sometimes. How does ten o'clock sound? I'll come down and then we can hit the road."

"That sounds fine." I said.

"Good!" She kissed Marlene on the cheek and my niece shrieked happily, "Take note for when you get older, Marlene. Pretty soon you'll be breaking down your daddy and uncle Sora and Roxas to get you whatever you want."

The women in this family were borderline insane.

My mother stayed around for a little longer than she intended, so we ended up ordering dinner. When she asked how often we ordered out, she lectured us for the entire night about our eating habits. It didn't get better when all she found was three bottles of SKYY vodka (Axel's), a half empty bottle of Grey Goose (mine), Pinot Grigio (also mine), a tomato, some expired lunch meat and a half used lemon in the refrigerator.

_What?_ I mean, during the week, Axel is never home during the day and I'm on campus for an ungodly amount of time. Weekends are reserved for sleeping and sex. We don't have time to do stuff like … grocery shopping or cooking proper meals to begin with. At least my house doesn't look like Sora's. That's one plus in a series of negatives.

At around ten or so, Axel and I took my mother back up to Cloud's place on 29th and Park. His house is technically in walking distance from ours (fifteen blocks give or take) but it was too much to make that walk in the deplorable weather we had been having for the past few days. After catching a cab and dropping my mother off uptown, Axel and I hopped a train and headed back downtown.

I turned to look at Axel once we were seated on the train. There was barely anyone on the train except for a group of two guys and a girl at the end, an elderly woman and some business looking type a few feet away from us. Not enough people for me to feel on edge. "I know what you did back there."

"Hm?" He asked, looking away from one of the advertisements plastered at the top of the train car.

"With my mom." I replied.

It took it a second before he realized what I was referring to and then lowered his voice, "Hm. Figured I'd leave it up to you to decide. Not going to force you, you know? Given everything."

"I don't mind if it's her." I said, glancing at the overhead display. _10:45PM._

"I know," Axel replied, sinking lowly into the seat, "But that doesn't mean you still don't want your distance right about now, right?"

"It … doesn't. It's complicated." I glanced toward the business man who was checking his watch obsessively and glancing at the overhead display. "I mean, I'm still angry to some degree. I've talked to my siblings since what happened but I've been keeping to myself, mostly. I think they are too." I shrugged dismissively, "We all just need time, Axel. That's all I ever need. That's all I ever want and I don't have enough of it."

"I'm going to be extremely cliché here and tell you that all of this will probably get better with time. Well, most of the time, anyway. Just be patient. This is something you're going to have to come to terms with on your own time." He shrugged, "For now, look on the bright side. Your mom is probably going to be a lot more happy when all of this is over, right? That's something positive, isn't it?"

"Yes, _Ansem_."

"Hey, _you _brought this up, remember?" Axel snorted, looking toward the other end of the train, "Speaking of Ansem, could you imagine me with a beard like his? I'll have to wait a couple of years for the receding hairline, though."

"…You barely have any facial hair as it is." I crossed my arms over my chest and rolled my eyes at him.

"Yeah, I do." He replied, feebly stroking at his chin, "They're just invisible. And _you're _one to talk. You've got body hair like a chick." He lowered his voice down to my ear, "If it weren't for that fun little toy you're packing between your legs, I'd think otherwise." He paused briefly, "Well ... it's not necessarily, _little, _now is it, Rox?"

I socked him as hard as I could in the shoulder as the train came to a stop and the doors opened. I didn't even spare him a second glance as I rose out of my seat and left him scrambling after me as he yelled at me to wait.


	10. Winter's Love

**10; winter's love**

I was frustrated that night.

It wasn't anything immediate that had caught my attention. It was just a culmination of the stressors I had endured in the past few weeks. While my body had settled, my mind was still running… still racing.

I couldn't get to sleep at all that night. I think the only reason I fell asleep earlier was because Axel wore me down to the point where I could do nothing but sleep. With a few hours in my system, my body was more than likely prepared to be on the run again. I was jittery and on edge. I needed to relax and my mind wasn't having it.

I had been lying around in bed for an hour before I decided to get up. Axel and I had been talking for a few before he eventually dozed off sometime before twelve. It was now nearing one o'clock and I wasn't feeling tired in the least. I got up to go to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face before returning to bed and settling up against Axel's backside. He mumbled something sleepily at me but didn't turn around. I stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity before I gave up, got out of bed and headed for the kitchen.

Searching through our cabinets, I found what I was looking for—the ingredients for mom's moon milk. Soy milk, vanilla extract, sugar and … nutmeg if I'm right. I mixed everything into a mug and shoved it into the microwave to warm up. As I was leaning against the counter waiting for the drink to warm up, who else would come poking around the corner to follow after me? Soro.

She edged around the corner to look for me and then slowly began walking over to me. When she neared the kitchen, she licked at my toes in affection and I sighed. She eagerly looked up at me in response and began wagging her tail.

"Can't sleep."

She growled in what I supposed was sympathy and then turned around to rest down beside me. I guess she was going to stick around until I went back to bed. Dogs … are funny little creatures. As much as I complain about her, I'm kind of … glad … I got Soro instead of having Sora take her. The microwave beeped and I popped it open and removed the steaming cup of sweetened milk from its center.

I took a brief moment to sip at the concoction to deem it satisfactory or not. It wasn't as good as my mom's … but it would suffice. I closed the microwave door and walked over to the living room so I could lounge on the couch. Soro, of course, followed.

I could hear the honking of traffic on the street below as I sipped at the warm, sweet milk and closed my eyes. The ever present whirring of an ambulance or police sirens as they flew up and down streets. Echoing voices of drunken college kids, filled with the high that comes after the end of the semester. They'd probably be heading home sometime this week, all going away to places far away from here. …Huh.

I sipped at the milk again and turned my attention toward the ceiling as I watched lights dance across the white and grainy surface. I was starting to relax to some degree. I could feel myself dozing off as I finished the last of my milk. I rose from the couch, wandered over to the sink, dropped my mug inside and then walked back over to the sofa where Soro was watching me. I picked her up and she licked my cheek affectionately as I carried her back to the bedroom. After I set her down on the floor, she walked back over to her pet bed and I headed for my own bed and sat down gently.

"Couldn't sleep?"

I knew Axel would be up. "At first … no … now, yes."

"What time is it?"

"Just after two."

"Hm." He shifted in the sheets, "Stressed?"

"Frustrated." I replied, turning around and getting under the sheets myself. Axel had his eyes closed but I knew he was still awake …or trying to stay awake for one. "Why are you up?"

"Fucking … Demyx drunk dialing me." His eyebrows furrowed as he opened his eyes slightly, "I'm going to castrate him when I see him. Freaking calling me up and screaming in my ear to come and party with him."

"That's your drummer." I reminded him, smirking at Axel's irritation, "And I thought you lived for those kinds of things?"

"He lives up to the title, too. And, no, not really. At least, not now. I'm not too much in the mood to party these days. Kind of focused on more important stuff right now." Axel yawned, "Sleepy?"

"A little, but …" I started.

"But?"

I rolled over onto my side and into his extended arm, "But, I've got this knot … these knots … in my stomach that refuse to go away."

"About what?" He asked, yawning again.

"Just … stuff. You know that feeling you get when you really want to do something but you don't like how it's going or coming out? So you feel the anxiety building in your chest to the point where you think it, or rather, feel like you might explode? It's like … no matter what you do, you just can't curb it. Only when you're finished with whatever it is you're stressing about does it go away."

"Roxas, do you know who you're talking to?" Axel asked, bemusedly, "My entire life revolves around stress."

"Really?" I asked, raising an eyebrow slightly, "Are you sure about that?"

He rose off the bed slightly when he heard the slight challenge in my voice, "Hurry up and record the next single. You have to go and meet with the record execs; they want to hear the new demo by Friday. But, first, you have an interview with so—and—so magazine before that meeting. Don't forget you're playing at so—and—so on Saturday night. Flying you out to England after that, but then you're back in California on Monday morning. Won't be back in New York until Wednesday afternoon. Roxas called for you. Pencil in phone sex sometime this week. Also, call Avo to check up on her. Don't forget to call your stupid brother, Reno. He wants to meet up with you while you're in town. Ah, also, there's a manner of tour dates. When are we going to send you boys back on the road?"

"That's a horrible exaggeration." I rolled my eyes at him. Particularly about his comment about phone sex.

"As soon as the new album drops it won't be. _Trust_ me." Axel replied, "Don't you remember what it was like last year?"

"What about _this_ year?" I asked, "January through March ring any bells?"

"Hey, hey, _hey_." Axel pointed toward me, "It wasn't all bad. You were with me for half of January but then you had to come back to the city because winter break was over. Annndddd, I made sure to fly back to NYC right after my show in Vegas to celebrate your birthday." He grinned widely, "Remember **that**? Huhhh?"

I brushed my hand under my nose, ignoring the reference in his voice, "At any rate, okay, you proved your point. What the hell am I supposed to do about this?"

"Well, what's the problem?"

"I told you before … it's nothing. I'm just … frustrated." I murmured.

"Well, there has to be a reason for it."

I sighed heavily and shrugged my shoulders in defeat. "I'm … I'm worn out, Axel. I'm burnt out after this last month and a half and now that I have time to finally rest, my mind won't. It's driving me insane right now and I can't get to sleep because of it. I feel as if I'm—" I felt Axel tug at my side and in an instant I was being rolled onto my back with him hovering over me.

"You're stressing yourself out, okay?" Axel began leaning in close. His eyes were eerily made bright by the cascading moonlight that filtered in through the small gapes in the window blinds. He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes, "Do you know what it is to rest?"

"Don't you think I'm trying to?" I sighed as I felt Axel move away from my forehead and began to lazily kiss my left cheek, "What sane person would _want_ to rile themselves up like this?"

"You're not sane." He muttered, "And neither am I for that matter."

"Glad you finally agreed with me for once." I sighed again when I felt him hike my legs up around his hips and resisted slightly, "Not again. I may be unable to sleep right now, but I'm too tired for this right now."

"And you think I'm not?" He replied, raising one tired eyebrow.

"Then what are you doing?"

"Getting your mind off of things, now shut up."

-x-

"What about this one, Roxas?"

I raised my eyes to look at the tree my mother was currently pointing to. This was the fifth tree that she had pointed out in an hour and it looked exactly like all the other ones that she had picked out. This was going absolutely nowhere.

"Roxas?" She asked, looking at me with bright eyes, "What do you think?"

I shrugged my shoulders and crossed my arms over my chest, "It's … fine."

"_Fine_?" My mother started, exasperated with my disinterest, "Jesus, Roxas, that's what you called the last four trees I picked out. Sheesh, where's your brother or sister when I need them? Hell, they'd be tugging me left and right and trying to argue over who picked out the better tree. …Where's Axel? I'm pretty sure he'd give me a critical opinion."

I turned to look over my shoulder at the aforementioned redhead who was currently staring up at a tree behind us. One of his eyebrows was raised in a scrutinizing manner as he shoved his hands into his pockets. "Over there," I murmured, gesturing lazily.

"Axel!" My mother called out loudly, walking past me and catching Axel's attention.

"Huuuh … yeah?" He turned to look at my mother who was currently reaching for his arm.

"Forget about that one and come over here for a minute." She pulled a bit forcefully at him as she led him back over to the tree she was looking at, "Well, what do you think? Better than the last few, right?"

"Rox—"

"Don't even ask him, he'll just tell you its fine." My mother interjected as she rolled her eyes at me. She kneeled down at the bottom of the tree and smoothed her gloves over a few of the lower branches, "It's really full down here and it just flourishes really well the higher you go up, huh?" She rose up and gestured toward the top of the tree, "The star'll sit well up there with a bit of adjusting … I think it's perfect. Smells really nice, too."

Axel turned around and looked at me and I shrugged at him. He grinned, laughing a bit and turned back to my mother, "Well, if you love it, I love it. I'm pretty sure Roxas agrees so, too. Right, Rox?"

I shrugged again, turning away from the two of them. I heard my mother say something about going to get someone to get the tree for us and vanished from my sight. I turned back around just to see Axel coming up to me with his hands jabbed into the backs of his pants. He cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow at me in question.

"Feeling okay?"

"I'm fine." I said, turning to look up at him, "My mom told you before, I never got excited over this type of stuff when Christmas came around. Sora and Rikku were the ones that always fought over the whole tree business."

"I know enthusiasm isn't really your thing, but do you think you could show a little bit for the sake of your mom?"

"Me being here is enthusiasm enough." I replied, frowning slightly.

"A little more would be nice." Axel said, leaning down and ruffling my hair, "Crack a smile, come on. Let's see that million dollar smile, babe."

I sighed at him and smiled slightly, though it was probably more of a smirk if anything."Well?"

"Good enough." He leaned back and looked up at my mother who had brought the owner of the tree lot over to the tree she had just picked out, "Now let's get over there and help your mom out, huh?" Axel gave me a gentle push on my back and I swatted him away as the two of us started over to my mother.

-x-

"A Christmas party?"

I glanced at my mother as I picked up the box of ornaments that she had brought over. She was currently sitting on the island with a mug of green tea in front of her. She took a sip from her mug and her eyes followed me as I walked across to the other side of the room where we had currently set up the tree.

The night after we dropped my mother off at Cloud's house, I had a couple of things on my mind. Or rather, a lot of things on my mind. What she had said earlier about Christmas tradition had triggered something in me. Something that made me think of the past. What Christmas had been and what it used to be. When we were all together, happy, as a family. When there was no yelling, fighting or screaming. When my parents actually looked happy. When my siblings weren't always asking my mother, "_When is daddy going to come home_?"

Axel didn't seem to have a problem with it, but he did ask me if I was sure about my decision. I told him I wouldn't recant on it. And so, I resolved to go ahead with my idea to have everyone over for Christmas. My mother, Sora, Rikku and Cloud. Tifa with Marlene and Denzel, Riku … Paine and Yuna would probably come if Rikku was here. Olette and Pence if they weren't busy. Naminé, of course. Axel would more than likely invite Zexion and Demyx over. Reno was looking to come to New York for the holidays and of course Axel would want Lena to come …

The only two people that remained omitted from the invitation were my father and Axel's mother. I wasn't being deliberately malicious in doing so. Axel wanted nothing to do with his mother since she had come back to New York and my father was more than likely working during the holiday season. Besides, I doubt my father would care too much. As for Axel's mother, I knew she would. But, that was between the two of them. It wasn't my job to interfere in that matter.

"Roxas?" She asked, trying to catch my attention.

"It's not really a party." I began as I kneeled down to tighten the screws in the tree stand. I turned to look at her and shook my head, "It's more like … a get together."

"A get together, huh?" I could hear the amusement in her voice, "And who's invited to this get together, son?"

I stood up and wiped my hands off on my jeans, "You, Sora, Rikku, Cloud." I turned back to her and crossed my arms over my chest, "Tifa, the twins …Axel's brother, his grandmother …"

"That's all?" My mother asked, tilting her head to the side, "That's pretty small for a holiday get together, huh?"

"It's not supposed to be anything big." I said, scratching the back of my head, "Just for the people that are close to us and whatnot. We really haven't worked out any of the details yet, but … we'll probably have everyone over for Christmas Eve."

"Sounds nice." My mom began, nodding in encouragement, "What brought this about?"

I leaned against the bar where my mother was sitting and crossed my arms over my chest, "I asked Axel what he thought about it in October, you know, before any of this mess happened." I glanced at her and she raised her eyebrows in question, before lowering them in understanding. She looked down at her mug and nodded for me to continue, "It's been on the back burner for the last couple of months, but … given everything that's happened as of late, I thought, why not? It'd be nice to have everyone together again. Kind of like we were for Thanksgiving."

My mother smiled, "A thoughtful gesture, Roxas." She patted me on the back, "…Are you … inviting your father?"

I rubbed at my arm and looked away from her, "Do I even need to answer that question?"

"Roxas, he's your family, too." My mother chided slightly. "He deserves to be here as much as I do."

"He'll be working."

"I'm sure he'd still appreciate it if you extended the invitation to him." I shrugged my shoulders in indifference and my mother sighed in what I could only surmise as irritation, "All right, Roxas. All right. You don't have to invite him if you don't want to. I swear, all my children. Stubborn as I don't know what."

"We get it from you." I answered, turning to smile slightly at my mother.

"Since when?"

"Since always."

The two of us both turned to the direction of the front door after we heard the locks turn and jingle of keys outside the door. Axel walked in looking like he was two seconds away from ringing someone's neck. Demyx followed after him and Zexion.

"Oh, come on, Axel!"

"Not another word out of you." Axel walked over toward us and set the plastic bag down on the island, "Found a star for the tree, no thanks to that one over there." He jabbed in Demyx's direction and rolled his eyes, "And before you ask, I'm not going to even tell you what he did, it's not worth it."

"It was quite funny, actually." Zexion murmured, glancing toward Demyx and then back at Axel.

"Oh?" My mother raised her eyebrows in interest, "More company?"

"Demyx." Axel gestured toward the sulking blonde toward his left and then toward Zexion on his right, "Zexion."

My mother looked to me in question, "Band mates." I answered.

"Ah, Axel's band mates then?" She turned to Zexion and then Demyx, "A pleasure to meet you both."

While Zexion normally reciprocated my mother's greeting, Demyx scratched at his head stupidly and then looked from me and then back to my mother. "Uhh … WOAH! Wait! Are you—" He looked at me and then pointed excitedly to my mother, "Are you Roxas's _mom_?"

"Yes." My mother answered, looking to me for some sort of clarification to which I rolled my eyes and sighed loudly.

Demyx walked over to Axel, pulled at his shoulder and whispered something lowly to him. Axel slapped him over the head and Demyx punched him in the shoulder in resistance. My mother looked at me again and I shrugged, "He's an idiot."

"Roxas!" My mother chided, "That's not very nice."

Demyx turned around after being pushed away from Axel and laughed slightly, "Hey, it's all right. Me and Roxas have a love and hate relationship."

"More hate than love." I muttered, walking away from the kitchen island and over to where Axel was currently standing as he broke the Christmas tree star out of its packaging, "So, wanna explain the tagalongs?"

"Called up Demyx to find a store that sold Christmas crap, it turned into this." He turned around to look at Demyx who was currently talking to my mother, "He said your mother is a grade A MILF. His words, not mine. You can go kill him if you want."

I raised my eyebrows in vague amusement, "What exactly did he do while you were out?"

"The same thing Demyx does. Scare the general public." Axel pulled the star free and threw the plastic into the garbage, "This is fine, right?"

"It's whatever." I glanced down at a long black bag down by Axel's feet, "What's in there?"

"That you'll have to wait for Christmas Eve for." Axel smirked and tapped me lightly on the nose with the edge of the gaudy star. He turned back around and walked over to where my mother was sitting, "Ready, Mrs. A?"

"Please, Axel. I told you before, call me Sabel." My mother smiled as she stepped down off the seat, "And yes, let's get the tree decorated already."

-x-

"I can't do this."

"Hm?"

"Axel, I can't do this."

I gripped the bathroom sink with my hands and lowered my head so I could no longer look at myself in the mirror. The world swayed before my eyes and I had to close them before I grew even more nauseated than I already was. I could hear Axel shuffling as he rose from the bed and was more than likely headed for my direction.

"What's up, Thumbelina?"

I shook my head, "This was a bad idea. We shouldn't have gone through with this."

"It was _your_ idea." Axel replied. The floorboards moaned underneath his weight as he shifted posture. I opened my eyes slowly and turned to look at him. He was currently leaning against the door frame of the bathroom with his arms crossed over his chest, "Having second thoughts I see."

"_You_ backed me up on this, _remember_?" I pounded my hand on the ledge of the bathroom sink and narrowed my eyes at him.

"Ah, no, don't go putting the blame on me." He countered, lowering his eyes and shaking his head. Axel uncrossed his arms and pointed at me, "You asked me if you thought it was a good idea to have the Christmas party, did you not? And I made sure—twice might I add—to ask you if you had thought about it. I didn't want you to make any rash decisions. And you know _why_? Because it was going to land us right where we are now. Three hours before everyone starts to show up and what happens? Oh, I know. You start to freak out."

"You know …" I began, "I don't need you adding to my anxiety right about now."

"So stop freaking out." Axel replied. He reached up to grasp the sangria tie hanging loosely around his neck, "It's not like there's going to be anyone here that you don't want to see, right?"

I sighed and turned away from Axel. He took that as his invitation that I was going to drop it and went back into the room to continue to get himself ready. He was right, though. It was a rash decision on my part, so I really shouldn't have been taking any of this out on Axel.

"Is the tree plugged in?"

"Gonna go do that now."

I sighed, dropping my hands from the bathroom sink and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like a nervous mess—I was a nervous mess. Axel left the bedroom and Soro waddled into the bathroom with her tail wagging energetically. I took one look at what Axel had done to her and sighed loudly. She had little reindeer ears on her head.

"_Axel_. Come take this stupid shit off of the dog!"

"Nope!" Axel called back as he poked his head back into the room, "Besides, your mother bought it for her!"

"What the hell is that … that doesn't mean anything!" I countered back.

"Are you going to tell her that?" Axel asked bemusedly.

"You're just trying to make sure you get on her good side." I said, stepping out of the bathroom so I could talk to Axel without any walls or barriers between us. "...What the _fuck_?"

He scratched at the flaming red beard on his face as his grin widened, "Remember that conversation we had on the train a week ago? About my inability to grow a beard? Well, now, what do you think?" Axel wiggled his eyebrows as he pulled a Santa hat down over his head. He had taken the liberty to straighten his hair for the day so it wasn't sticking up and crazy as it always was.

"...I'm not …" I shook my head, "I'm not going to even acknowledge how insane you look right now."

"I got something for you, too!" He began excitedly as he left the room and came back with a box balanced in his arms, "I was saving this just for today." Axel began walking over to where I was standing and set the box down on the bed beside us, "Go on. Open it."

I glanced at him and then down at the rectangular box in front of me. I took one look at the contents inside of the box before slamming the top back down over it. "**_No_**." I turned to look at him.

Axel laughed, pulling his ridiculous red beard down a bit, "Aww, why not? Just for a bit?"

"Need I remind you that my mother, as well as your grandmother, are coming over in a little while to help the two of us cook!" I gestured to the rectangular box, "And even if they weren't coming over, I'm not wearing that crap to begin with!"

Axel sighed, "You're such a spoil sport, Roxas." He picked up the box and walked over to the closet, "Fine. Fine. Don't wear the outfit. But, just so you know, I'll be heartbroken you didn't wear it."

"Oh, stop being such a drama queen." I rolled my eyes at Axel and bent down to pick the phone off the hook once it started ringing. I glanced quickly at the clock. It was two; it had to be Auron phoning up to tell us that my mother or Lena had arrived. "Hello?"

"Roxas. Your mother is here." Auron replied, "Along with a woman … named Lena? She said she's here for you and Axel."

Lucky. Two birds with one stone. "Send them up. Thank you."

"All right."

I hung up the phone and stared to make my way out of the room, "They're both here."

Axel trailed after me, arms stretched out behind his head as he followed me down the hallway, "Well, this is going to be something, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"We already did the meet the family spiel. It's time for the in-laws to finally meet." Axel replied, gripping my shoulders and steering me toward the front door of the loft, "Hell, time for the whole family to mingle with one another. Exciting, hm?"

"We're not engaged." I rolled my eyes, "And we're nowhere near married."

"Hell, not if you ask Demyx."

"Since when did I ever value Demyx's opinion?"

"Since never." Axel removed his hands from my shoulders and walked toward the front door to unlock it. He leaned out into the hallway with a smile on his face, "Avó."

Lena entered first, her long hair pulled back into its customary braid. She pulled at Axel's cheeks and slapped him on the arm hard enough for him to wince, "Still skinny! Do you ever eat!" She turned away from him and smiled warmly when she saw me, "And Roxas, querido! You're looking healthier than my skin and bones neto, over there. How are you?"

"I'm fine." I returned her smile with one of my own and then looked toward my mother who had followed Lena in shortly after, "Mom."

"Hey, baby." She started as Axel closed the door behind her, "Why didn't the two of you tell me I wasn't the only one you enlisted for help with all of this, hm?" She looked at me and then Axel expectantly.

"My thoughts, exactly." Lena said, "Don't think just because you asked the two of us for help that we'll be cooking everything, oh no. Not at all."

"That wasn't really the idea." Axel began, scratching the back of his head as he tried to feign innocence.

"Lies." I muttered.

"Well, you _burn_ things." Axel countered.

"_AYE_!" Lena began, "No quarreling, you two. You want to have your family over for Christmas, eh? Well, then, you two better cook for them. Isn't that right, Sabel?" I saw the beginnings of that dangerous smile she gave Axel when she wanted him to do something and dared him to argue with her.

"I completely agree, Lena." My mother smiled back with one of her own.

"Well, you two seemed to have gotten acquainted in the short time you've spent together." Axel murmured, scratching the back of his head.

"Enough talking, let's get to cooking!"

-x-

Prior to coming over, my mother and Lena had given us both a list of everything that we needed to buy for whatever it is that we wanted to cook. Or rather, had wanted them to cook. So, it was Axel and I in the kitchen, together, all day, under the supervision of my mother and Lena as they instructed us on what to do. And, no. I didn't _burn_ anything.

We had been cooking for around three hours or so when the phone started to ring again. Sora and Riku were the first ones to arrive. And of course, Sora brought food. He had offered to cook from the start but I refused. He obviously didn't listen to me and ended up bringing two cakes made from scratch—Chocolate Blackout Cake and Strawberry Shortcake. Along with that, he and Riku dropped off two boxes under the Christmas tree and Sora was adamant that we open them on Christmas morning and not ruin the surprise.

Next up were Cloud, Tifa and the twins. Now, a little over five months, the twins were more of a handful than they had been previously at Thanksgiving. They were all over the place, screeching and cooing at whoever picked them up and coddled them. Marlene seemed to deem Axel as her favorite, often pulling at his hair and chewing on it whenever he picked her up and gave her some attention.

Reno was next to drop in but claimed he couldn't stay for long because he had to meet up with some people who were currently in town. Rude, Tseng and Elena? Axel seemed to know who he was talking about so I didn't question it any further. It was probably business stuff.

Rikku, Paine and Yuna all appeared at the same time. My aunts were out of town at the moment, so neither of them could make it for the night. Rikku was looking better that night, even though she uncharacteristically kept to herself for nearly the entire time that she was there. She was also by my mother's side more so than usual, but I didn't question it too much.

Pence, Olette, Demyx, Zexion and Naminé appeared all within fifteen minutes of the other. Demyx brought alcohol, _big_ surprise there. Zexion surprised me by bringing us a bottle of _Chateau Margaux_ wine. His only explanation was that it was the holidays and a time to celebrate. Although, I'm pretty sure Demyx's way of celebrating and Zexion's way of celebrating were light years apart. Pence and Olette were a lot less tense since the last time I had seen them. Olette was smiling a lot more and Pence seemed to be at ease as well.

By around seven that night, the Christmas tree was filled to the brim with gifts and everyone had finally arrived. In all honesty, the atmosphere of the loft that night was warm. Everything that had happened in the past few weeks didn't matter in the least with all of us gathered together that night as we were. And even when all was said and done and we had exchanged gifts with everyone and they had left, the feeling never left me.

"Well, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Axel called out to me from the living room. He had been downstairs making sure Reno took Lena back home before departing for God knows where.

"Yeah." I answered. _Zip._

"And everyone loved your macaroni and cheese, Rox. Maybe I underestimated your cooking skills after all, hm?" He laughed loudly and I could hear him messing around with some dishes in the kitchen.

"Hm." _Click, click._

"We'll clean this mess up in the morning, sound okay?"

"That's fine." _Shhhh._

"Roxas, what are you doing? I can barely hear you." He was nearing our bedroom. "And why in the world are all the lights off in here?"

He flicked on the lights to a dim and I walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. Leaning against the wall I raised my eyebrows in vague interest, "Well?"

Axel's eyes immediately lit up when he caught sight of me, "_Ho, ho, ho. Santa Claus_ is coming to town."

The offending object in the box Axel had bought me was ... a Mrs. Claus outfit. A very _adult_ one at that.

The outfit composed of red and white striped thigh highs with a large thick black belt that fitted snugly around the hips and attached to belt-like garters on the thighs. The baby doll top split half way up the middle and was red with fluffy white accents as was the matching thong. And of course, to top it all off, a Santa hat.

I figured, Axel had behaved himself at the Christmas party. He had pretty much kept his hands to himself and the retarded comments to a minimum, so why not _reward_ him to some degree? Granted, I was just about ready to get out of these stupid ass five inch stilettos at any minute.

"Is he now?"

"I thought you said you weren't wearing it?" Axel commented, removing his own hat from his head.

I balanced unsteadily on the heels and shrugged my shoulders, "I can change my mind, can't I?"

"Can you even walk in those?" He asked mirthfully as he walked my way and wrapped his arms around my lower back when he reached me.

"Barely." I admitted, truthfully.

"Thought so." He leaned down to kiss me briefly and pulled back with a smile pulling at his lips, "Merry Christmas, Rox."

I smiled back as he lifted me off my feet and turned in the direction of the bed, "Merry Christmas, Axel."


	11. Phoner To Arizona

**11; phoner to arizona**

I winced as a gust of bitter, cold wind stung my eyes the minute I exited the train station. Pulling my scarf tightly against my face, I tilted my head down and started making my way down the street.

The weather this January had been deplorable. There was snow every other day. It didn't matter if the streets had been cleared during the day. I guarantee you that by the next morning, fresh snow would already be there just waiting to be plowed. It was this fact alone that kept me locked up in the loft for the majority of my winter break. …Not that I was complaining. The reprieve from school was well welcomed.

I sighed in relief when I pulled open the door to the restaurant I was headed for and was welcomed with a rush of warm air. The hostess smiled at me when I entered and paused at the front of the entryway as I searched for Sora. My brother waved from the back of the restaurant and called me over. I pointed in Sora's direction and the hostess picked up a menu and motioned for me to follow her. Sora smiled and thanked her as she left the two of us alone and I slid into the opposite side of the booth Sora was sitting in.

"Could you pick a colder day for us to meet up?"

"It's only the beginning of January!"

"All the more reason to stay inside." I unwrapped my scarf from around my neck and dropped it to the side. I began shrugging out of my jacket next and sighed, "It's nearly subzero out there."

"Oh, stop complaining." Sora rolled his eyes at me, "How was your New Years?"

"…Full of beards …" I sighed, shaking my head at the memory, "Yours?"

"I went out to Times Square with Riku. It was really nice." Sora grinned, pushing at his cup of water and balanced his face against the palm of his hand, "Hehehe, he kissed me at midnight."

I rolled my eyes at Sora, "You're such a little schoolgirl."

"Did Axel kiss you at midnight?" Sora asked, leaning in closely and lowered his voice.

"That information isn't relevant to this conversation." I picked up the menu, "Did you order yet?"

"Mmm, no. I was waiting for you." Sora replied, "I don't even know what I'm in the mood for to be honest."

"Hm." I looked up and down the menu and began flipping through it as I tried to decide on something.

"So!" Sora began, leaning back in his seat, "What have you been up to Roxas?"

"Sleeping, reading and eating." I replied looking up at him briefly and then went back to looking at the menu, "Don't even get started on telling me that I should go out and have fun. This snow is ridiculous and you're insane."

"But it is fun." Sora pouted, "It's the perfect time of year to have a snowball fight … or build a snowman …" He crossed his arms over his chest, "Remember when we were kids? Mom used to take the four of us out to Central Park during the winter and she'd help us make snowmen and we'd have snowball fights …and then she'd bring us home and make hot chocolate and homemade chocolate chip cookies …" Sora squeezed his cheeks, "…Oh God, just thinking about it …"

"You always were the fat kid of the family. No wonder you opened your own restaurant." I commented, snorting loudly.

"Was _not_. That was Rikku! The two of us used to argue over who got the last cookie. Which she always got now that I think about it." Sora pouted, "It's not fair when you're both the youngest and the only girl in the family."

"Don't tell her that."

"Yeah, now we can barely get her to eat at all." Sora frowned.

I looked up from my menu in an instant, "What do you mean by that?"

"Ah … mmm … well …" Sora crossed his arms over his chest and bit at his bottom lip.

"_Sora_."

"Well, she was _supposed_ to be joining us for lunch today, right? But she was booked solid for the entire day. So she asked me if I wanted to go out yesterday morning instead for breakfast. Don't you remember? I tried calling you but Axel said you were dead to the world."

"…I'm on vacation. I don't have to get out of bed before nine for another two and a half weeks and I don't intend to."

"And I thought I was the bum twin." Sora scratched the side of his head, "Anyway, we went to this place around 81st … Alice's Wonderland?"

"Alice's _Tea Cup_?" I asked him.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. It was really girly. Kind of like … a really girly café." Sora's eyebrows rose in question, "Hey, how come you know about it?"

"Pence told me a horror story about Olette dragging him there for a date." I waved a hand, dismissing the irrelevant story, "Go on."

"Yeah, so, it was fine. You know me; I don't mind those kinds of places. It's just …" Sora frowned a bit, "I don't know, she just didn't really seem to eat anything. Maybe I'm just reading into things too much but we all know about Rikku and her … uh … vor … ver …"

"Voracious?"

"Yeah, yeah. Voracious appetite. I don't know, maybe she wasn't hungry … but she's done it before. She was kind of the same way at Christmas." Sora tapped his cheek, "You didn't notice, did you?"

"She was reserved." I started, taking a sip of water, "But, you know how she's been since the whole divorce, Sora."

"Yeah …" Sora shrugged, "All she had was tea and she barely touched the omelet she ordered."

I sighed, flipping between pages in my menu, "Give it some time. She's probably just stressed."

"Hm." Sora glanced toward the window and began drumming his fingers against the side of his cheek, "Have you talked to mom recently?"

"She was over this Sunday." I lay the menu down on the table in front of me, "What's the matter?"

Sora frowned as he scratched at his cheek, "Well, Rikku told me the other day that when she last talked to mom, she said something about how she had plans that she was about to put into action. Something like … she was moving."

"The divorce was finalized, Sora."

"I know, I know." Sora waved his hands at me in an effort to quiet me, "But, I'm just thinking … if she's moving, where would she be moving to? I don't want mom to go so far now that she doesn't really … have dad around and whatnot."

"Sora, are you listening to yourself right now?"

He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, "No, what I mean is … okay, yeah. Dad is always missing in action, we all know that. But, at least mom had him from time to time to keep her company, you know? Now that they're going their separate ways, she's going to be all alone and I don't like that idea."

I picked up my menu again, "She probably won't go far." I fingered the next page and surveyed the selection, "Remember, she wants to stay close to us. Where do all of us live? In the city."

"How do you know?"

I set the menu down again and sighed, "Sora, haven't you noticed how much time mom has been spending with us this winter?" I asked, "She's always babysitting for Cloud and Tifa, going out with Rikku nearly every weekend and she drops in to see the two of us from time to time."

"Do you think she's lonely?" Sora asked, eyebrows rising in concern.

"She just needs us to be there for her." I replied, flipping the page on my menu, "She's going through a tough time and she's our mother. We need to help her in any way possible during this time. She'll be okay in the long run though." I felt a smirk pulling at my lips, "We all have her tenacity to varying degrees after all."

"So what do you make of it?"

I laid my menu down and shrugged, "Like I said before, she'll more than likely look into moving back to Manhattan."

"Do you …" Sora looked back and forth and then lowered his voice, "Do you think she'll start dating people? I mean, mom just turned fifty this year… isn't that kind of … you know?" He leaned back, eyes growing large, "Ew, what if mom ends up finding some guy that's like our age or something and starts dating him? Or what … what if she goes through some whole huge crisis where she starts dating women or something and—"

"This is why you and Rikku shouldn't be left alone." I remarked, closing my menu and leaned back in my seat, "Sora, so _what_ if mom starts dating someone? As long as she's happy and the person she chooses is treating her right, that's all I'm concerned about."

"But, I mean … it'll be different." Sora mumbled, "…Really different."

"It'll be for the best."

"I guess." Sora's eyes dropped down to his menu and then back up at me, "What about dad?"

"What about him?"

"Think he's going to find someone, too?"

I shrugged dismissively and nodded toward Sora's menu, "Are you ready yet?"

Sora frowned at my dismissal of his question but didn't seem too perturbed by it. A few moments later he nodded and closed his menu to signal that he was ready. I immediately signaled our waiter over to take our order.

-x-

I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back into my chair, "I really wish you would get rid of that beard."

"I agree with Roxas." Zexion echoed my sentiments as I knew he would.

"Dude, why are you wearing that?" Demyx chimed in next.

Axel frowned, readjusting the beard over his face and gripped the neck of his guitar in his hands, "It makes me feel creative! More so than usual."

"It makes you look stupid." I muttered, rolling my eyes.

"_Creative_." Axel answered back, fiddling with the strings of his guitar. He pulled his headphones back on and adjusted himself on the chair, "No more unnecessary statements from the peanut gallery, alright? Let's do this already. I've been sitting here for long enough. My ass is starting to hurt."

"Get it right this time." Zexion replied.

"I've _been_ getting it right." Axel snapped, "Someone keeps stopping the recording short every five seconds because they don't like the way the fucking song is going."

"I thought it was a mutual agreement with you, Zexion and me that I would be the one to decide the direction that this song would take?" Demyx crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair.

"I'm starting to wonder if that's a good idea at all." Axel muttered, shifting his posture on the chair, "You keep changing your mind every five minutes."

"There's a lot to work with if you haven't noticed." Demyx countered back, leaning forward and frowning slightly.

"Should I ask Xigbar to come back in here?" Zexion asked, raising an eyebrow in vague interest, "He took care of us when we were seventeen. I'm pretty sure he would love to take care of us at twenty six." There was a collective sigh and grumbling from both Axel and Demyx. Zexion saw that as his cue to go on with the recording session. He nodded to Axel and then pressed a button in front of him and leaned back into his chair.

"I can tell you've been doing this for awhile." I said, turning to look at Zexion.

"You have no idea." Zexion answered as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Demyx sighed, resting his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair, "This is really going nowhere. I'm about ready to scrap what we have and just start all over again."

"We already did that last October." Zexion turned to Demyx, "It would be pointless to do it again."

"Yeah, well, nothing that we've done so far seems to be going in the right direction." Demyx sighed, slouching even further into his seat, "What the hell is going on with us?"

Zexion turned his eyes in the direction to Axel who was oblivious to their exchange and seemed to be more focused with what he was doing with the guitar in his hands. "Things have changed." He answered, glancing at Demyx and then back at Axel, "It's different this time around."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

Demyx frowned and crossed his arms over his chest, "Well, I wish it wasn't."

I resisted the urge to sigh in irritation at their exchange and turned my focus on Axel's fingers dancing over the strings of his guitar. He was disengaged from anything going on around him and was just focused on the sheet in front of him and the music blaring all around him in the booth. I glanced toward the clock over the wall; it was nearly six in the evening.

After wrapping up lunch with Sora, I made my way down back downtown to see what Axel was doing. I should have known he would already be in the studio as he always was. He had been living in this place since beginning of November and I had a feeling that it wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

Demyx, Axel and Zexion had been having issues with the album ever since they started working on it. Axel had vaguely mentioned something about the three of them never being able to agree on the sound that they wanted to take on. He said it was time that they leave the whole alternative rock image behind and adapt to something new. …Yet, if you ask me, they were already halfway through the process of doing that. Starting around the time when I first met Axel. However, I'm no musician; I just live with one.

I turned my attention back to Axel and saw that he was had finished with whatever he was playing and removed his headphones from his ears. He turned to look at us, moving the beard so that it hung around his neck, "I'm not feeling this."

"Neither am I." Demyx replied.

Zexion sighed, "Well?"

"Delete it." Axel replied, setting his guitar down against the stool. "We're done here for today."

-x-

"Frustrated?" I asked, cracking my chopsticks apart as Axel violently attacked his spicy tuna roll.

"Annoyed."

"Hm." I nodded, "Need a break?"

"I don't have time for breaks."

I raised my eyebrows, "Now, who do you sound like?"

He raised his eyes to look at me and shrugged, "A worn out guitar player?"

"Hm, maybe. I was expecting you to say me."

Axel looked up at me with weary eyes and chuckled gingerly, "That does sound like you."

"Hm," I ignored him leaning over the table to swipe a shrimp tempura roll off of my plate, "So I went out with Sora today."

"That's right … I was wondering what was taking you so long today." Axel set his chopsticks down and leaned back in his seat, "How was it?"

"Fine for the most part." I poked at one of my rolls and looked up at Axel, "He's freaking out over my sister and my mother, though."

"Why?"

"Well, you know my mother has been around a lot more in the last couple of months, right?" I asked and Axel nodded for me to continue, "Well, you know the divorce is finalized so it'd only make sense for my parents to move out of that house like they said they would. Well, my brother heard from my sister that my mother was looking to move somewhere … preferably to the city."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing in my opinion." I replied, pushing one of my rolls around on my plate, "Sora's the one that's freaking out about it. He's worried about my mother being alone and all this other crap. He says that because she and my father are no longer together that we have to look after her and whatnot. That's already a given, that's our mom."

"And your sister?"

"I don't know. That one is just kind of up in the air." I shrugged my shoulders, "Rikku's been a little off since she came back from London. And with the divorce, that was just another blow to her already shaken confidence. From what Sora was alluding to, I think he's trying to say she has an eating disorder."

"Seriously?" Axel asked incredulously.

I nodded, "Well, I'm not sure. I don't want to go ahead and say my sister doesn't seem like the type because I know those types of things don't have types per se. They can affect just about anyone at any given moment."

"She was looking a little thin when she first came back, though. And the short hair didn't do much to hide the fact." Axel commented, picking up another shrimp tempura roll from my plate.

"Yeah, but that was back in early November, remember? And she's put on a little weight since then so she doesn't look as thin as she did." I sighed, "I guess Sora's just concerned because even though Rikku's always been on the thin side, she's always been known to have a bit of meat on her bones."

"Well, you've also got to remember that your sister was barely out of her teens when she left New York, right? She had some growing up to do when she made it to London and in the process she probably shed some baby weight or something when she finally hit twenty." Axel grinned when he saw me steal a spicy tuna roll off his plate, "At any rate, I don't really see a problem either. She might be stressed; she probably is stressed, actually. But, like your mother, you should be there for her." He bit into one of his rolls, "You're her big brother, remember? You're supposed to be overbearing and overprotective of her."

"That's Cloud's job." I replied, "He's the one who looms over her shoulder, watches out for her and scares people off. Sora's her gossip buddy. The two of them are ridiculous together. And I'm … the confidant brother. When she's got something that's too serious to discuss with Sora or Cloud more than likely won't understand, she comes to me."

"Cause you've seen it all?"

"Something like that." I flipped over a roll with my chopsticks, "You know, this kind of makes me wonder if everyone still worries about me like they did three years ago."

"I don't."

I looked up at Axel, "Really?"

"No." He shook his head, "At least, not like I used to. I know there are things that still bother you but you're at a healthier point in your life than you were when I first met you. You're better at dealing with everything now than you once were." He took a sip of his sake and looked off thoughtfully into the distance, "It's like … you've calmed down a lot. You've adjusted to whatever turmoil you've experienced in your life and now … well, you're here now. With me and this little mutt we've adopted." He glanced down at Soro who was currently wrecking one of her stuffed animals.

"Hm." I set my chopsticks down, "I have my bad days."

"I know, we all do." Axel replied, turning to look at me. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips, "Maybe Sora is just worrying for no reason … maybe not. Just stay focused on being there for your mother and sister when they need you to be."

"I feel like we're back on the couch in the old apartment right about now." I muttered dryly to myself, "That seems like so long ago."

"It does, doesn't it?" He laughed himself, "I'll have known you for four years by the end of this year… time flies."

I nodded, picking up another shrimp tempura roll. "Have … have you given any thought to your mother?"

Axel shrugged his shoulders, "I talked to Reno the other night. She's been helping Avó out with whatever, but I don't care to talk to her, Rox." He twirled the bottle of sake around and tilted it gently, "It's whatever at this point. She's not really making an effort to talk to me and I'm not going to put out the effort to talk to her. Maybe things will change, maybe not. She's the last thing on my mind right about now, though. What is on my mind is getting this damn album finished."

"Is the record label pressuring you?"

"Not really." Axel began, "More like we're pressuring ourselves. I don't know what to do anymore, Rox. We're in this weird transition phase that I haven't really figured out since we took that hiatus back in the middle of 2007." He took a swig from the sake bottle, "I've been at this for nearly ten years, you know? We released our first album a few months shy of my eighteenth birthday and I'm going to be twenty seven this year; my vision isn't the same as it was back then."

"What about Zexion and Demyx?"

Axel shrugged, "Zexion is the mediator between Demyx and I as you already know. It's always a collaborative effort but … it's kind of an unspoken rule that I'm the de facto leader of the group so …"

"Everything kind of falls on you."

"To some degree, yeah." He drummed his fingers against the counter, "When we released Monochrome in 2009, the dynamic started switching up a bit. I don't know, I said it before, I'll say it again. I don't really see the three of us doing this for more than … I don't know, another five or six years?"

I crossed my arms and leaned forward on the bar, "You said that three years ago."

"Yeah, I did. But, we got ourselves together for a bit." Axel sniffed, rubbing at his nose, "This time around, I think we might finally be nearing our end. I mean, sales are still pretty solid. They've actually spiked a bit since the release of our last album … but as a band … I think we've done all that we can. Changing our sound can only do so much until we're looking for something new that we can do." He turned to look at me, "It makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Yeah." I replied, "Can you see yourself doing anything else?"

"Music is always my first love … after you of course, Roxy." He winked suggestively at me and I rolled my eyes at him, "I don't know. Maybe I could open up my own music school for underprivileged kids or something. You know, give back to the community and all that shit. I'd say that I'd travel the world but touring has already given me that experience." He shrugged, "Or maybe I can get knocked up with your lovechild and we can run off and elope somewhere."

"One, that's physically impossible, and two, maybe instead of thinking up all these retarded ideas regarding you and I, you can go and apply this to something sensible like your music."

"Maybe …" He began, grinning wildly, "But messing with you is more rewarding."

-x-

A week had gone by since I'd last talked with Sora, and with it went any current worries or concerns I had at the moment. Sora was more than likely working on _Crimson Jazz_, Rikku was wrapped up in whatever fashion projects she had left behind in England on her brief hiatus and Cloud was busy with the twins. My mother called me once or twice in the week, but that was it.

As for Axel, he was in and out of the studio as he always was. Yet, he did manage to spend a weekend up at Lena's place to check on her for a little while. She seemed to be back to her usual self, well, according to Axel at least. He didn't really mention his mother, nor did I ask him about her. She was a dead issue at the moment.

I spent the rest of my vacation going out to dinner with Pence and Olette a couple of times and I went over to Naminé's place to check out some artwork that she was working on and wanted me to see. I was merely soaking in the calm until it was time for me to head back to school. I didn't think my course load was going to be as insane as it had been last semester, but school has this funny way of creeping up on you when you least expect it to. And I can guarantee you that it was bound to happen at some point in this upcoming semester.

But, life in general tends to have the same effect. Never know exactly what to expect, right? It just sneaks up on you with the littlest things and they just build … and build and build until you reach the breaking point and you have to decide where you're going to go from there. And for me, it all began with a phone call from my mom.


	12. Dress Up In You

**12; dress up in you**

I unlocked the door to the loft and stepped aside so that my mom could step in first. She made a move to reach for her bags but I waved her away, pulled them in and locked the door behind us. I straightened up and raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Where are you keeping the rest of your stuff at the moment?"

"The old mansion." She replied. "Your father and I had an agreement that we'd both find our own respective places of residence before we sold the place. Granted, everything is pretty much boxed up. Your brother and sister still have some things to retrieve from there…" My mother shrugged, "I would put everything in storage but that's just a hassle I don't want to bother with at the moment."

"Hm." I wiped my hands off on my jeans, "So, um …"

"I already know what you're going to ask me. Roxas, it shouldn't take long." My mother began, smiling slightly. "I've already got my eyes on a couple of places. I was considering the West Village … or maybe somewhere along Central Park? Maybe a two bed room? I won't need much room to begin with but it doesn't hurt to have extra, right? Who knows when I'll need the space."

"No, it doesn't." I started pulling her bags away from the door and further into the living room. I groaned mentally when I noticed her making her way over to the couch to begin with the tidying up. I _told_ Axel to clean up a bit more before I came back with her because I already knew she was going to start, "Mom. Don't start …"

"What?" She asked, while she was in the middle of fluffing out a pillow, "It was just a bit crooked …"

"Mom, you're our guest."

"Ah," She turned around and shook her head, "I don't want to hear it, Roxas." She glanced about the living room and held the pillow to her chest, "Besides, I'm not going to stay with you and Axel for the next two weeks and not do anything to earn my keep."

"You're my _mom_." I began walking up to her with the intention of taking the pillow away from her. She turned away when I tried to reach for it and I frowned, "Not some random friend I decided to take in for a little while."

She scrunched up her nose, "Yes, and as your _mom_, it's my job to take care of you no matter how old you get." She said, fluffing the pillow some more and then pressed it back into the couch, "Like I said, I don't want to hear it from either one of you. I'll be glad to baby you boys as much as you want while I'm here."

"…Clearly don't need babying. I get that enough from the demented redhead I live with." I muttered as she walked past me and headed toward the window to mess with the blinds.

"Roxas, these blinds are _filthy_!" She chided, turning around to look at me. She gestured toward the window, "And see how much better it looks in here now that we let some sunshine in?"

"Sure." I sighed, pushing my hands into the pockets of my jeans as my mother beamed at me. With a quick glance over my shoulder I saw Soro toddling into the living room, more than likely to come and see what was going on. She started wagging her tail as soon as she saw my mother and barked happily.

"_Hello_, little one!" My mother knelt down on the floor which immediately guaranteed that Soro would run over in her direction. She picked the spastic dog up and laughed as Soro started licking her face, "Yes, yes, it's been awhile, hasn't it?" She turned to me, "I don't understand how your brother could give such a cute little dog up."

"…This is Sora we're talking about." I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

She cocked her slightly to the side as she scratched Soro behind the ears, "She's so cute, though." Soro craned her neck back to try and lick at my mother's hand and my mother laughed gingerly, "I bet she's a handful, too." She pet Soro on the head and smiled at me, "So, where's your boyfriend?"

I sighed again, turning away from my mom as her grin broadened. It was a near rival to Sora's. "Sleeping? Being a bum in some way shape or form?" I walked toward the hallway and peered into it. I could hear the water running. I turned back to look at my mother was currently curled up on the floor with Soro spazzing out in her lap, "In the shower."

"Hm." She let Soro go and stood up, "Well, then, I'll see him in a few I suppose. Where am I …?"

"The spare room …" I replied, motioning for my mother to follow me. Or, in other words, the room where Axel kept all his crap that didn't seem to have a proper place to go in the loft. Well, I couldn't talk either. Some of my books were in there, but it nowhere rivaled the amount of crap that Axel had with him. Why he needed so many guitars was beyond me.

My mother followed me with Soro close at her heels. I opened up the door and cringed slightly at the disarray that the room was in. I glanced at my mother as I pushed the door open and gestured toward the inside, "Don't … mind all the guitars and crap on the other side of the room…"

"What is this?" My mother asked as she walked into the room, "Are they really all of Axel's guitars?"

"Yeah." I crossed my arms over my chest, "This used to be the universal room … for stuff that didn't really have a place anywhere in the loft." I gestured toward my old bed near the window in the room, "We intended to turn it into a guest room … but someone doesn't know the meaning of cleaning up or getting rid of crap that they never use."

My mother laughed and waved her hands at me to drop the issue, "Oh, honey, its fine. Don't worry about it. I'll just add it to my list of things to fix around here."

"_Mom_."

"Not listening to you." My mother began, exiting the room, walking back out the hallway and entering the living room. "And look who finally appears. Hello, Axel!"

I rounded the corner to find my mother beaming in Axel's direction with outstretched arms. He was currently in his standard black wife beater and sweats with a towel draped over his head. He pulled the towel down off his head when he saw my mother and didn't have a chance to divert her in any way as she latched onto him and squeezed him as hard as she could. I rested against the wall with my arms crossed over my chest as I saw him wince briefly at the force of her hug. He caught sight of me, nodded toward my mother and I shrugged my shoulders.

When she pulled away from him, Axel let out the breath he had been holding and rubbed the back of his head, "It's nice to see you, too, Sabel." He glanced toward the living room to see my mother's bags and frowned, "What the hell, Rox? Why didn't you wait for me?"

"I told you to clean up." I replied, shrugging my shoulders again, "You decided to sleep all day."

"Uh, _yeah_! You told me to clean up yesterday evening when I was about to go to sleep. Thanks for the heads up, Rox." Axel replied, pulling the towel over his shoulders, "And I think I did a pretty sufficient job of doing that considering what a mess this place was before your mom got here."

"The spare room?"

"I was _getting_ to that today. You never said she'd be here today, did you? Just sometime this weekend." He gestured toward my mother, "And would it hurt to let me know that you were going out to get here instead of just running off without a word?"

"You were taking too long."

"Whatever, whatever." He rolled his eyes at me and walked into the living room to begin moving my mother's bags, "Tell me Sabel, has he always been difficult?"

"Oh, enough you two. Stop fighting." My mother chided, placing her hands on her hips as Axel walked past her and toward me with one of her bags, "Go on."

"Huh?" Axel asked, turning to look at her.

"Kiss and make up." She turned to me, "Roxas apologize to Axel and give him a kiss on the cheek."

I looked at him and Axel immediately grinned at me, "_Why_ me?"

"You started it." My mother began. She nodded to the two of us. "I'm waiting."

I sighed as Axel leaned down toward me. I muttered a quick sorry and gave him the quickest kiss on the cheek before pulling away and turning toward my mother, "All right?"

"Perfect." She smiled, "And to answer your question, Axel. Yes, yes he has."

Axel snorted as I rolled my eyes at my mother and she continued to laugh at the two of us. My mother jumped when she felt her cell phone ringing at her side and held up a finger to us as she disappeared into the living room to go take the call. When she was gone, Axel leaned down so he could whisper into my ear, "Well then, Rox. This is going to be fun, huh?"

I slapped him on the arm and pointed toward my mother's other bag, "Shut up and go make yourself useful."

-x-

I groaned loudly as the fog of a dream cleared and I was brought back to reality. My eyes felt as if they were glued shut as I struggled to open them and immediately glared at the bright red numbers flashing at me. Seven. Fucking. O'clock. I reached over, pounded a fist over the stupid clock and shifted back into the warmth of my sheets.

"Get up, Rox." Axel mumbled sleepily behind me, "You start lagging now and you know you'll never get out of here on time."

I shook my head into my pillow, "Five minutes."

"No." He nudged my back with his knee, a habit he knew irritated me to no end, "Get up _now_."

I got up in irritation, making sure to pull the cover along with me so that it came off of Axel's side of the bed and fell onto the floor. I heard him mumbling at me and a pillow soared over my head and missed pathetically. I glanced over my shoulder and saw that Axel had turned on his side with his back to me. I picked up the pillow and threw it back at his stupid head and got into the shower.

First freaking day of the new semester. I was in a less than stellar mood, that's for sure. I ran water for a shower and promptly pressed my face against the cool tiles as soon as I stepped in. I could curse myself for being stupid enough to take a nine o'clock class on a Monday morning. I just wanted to get back into my bed and sleep.

When I got out of the shower, Axel was sitting up in bed, rubbing at his eyes as he struggled to wake up. He had a meeting with the execs of his label this morning, something I could tell he wasn't looking forward to at all. He glanced over his shoulder at me and promptly fell back onto the bed.

"Get up." I echoed his words, throwing my towel over onto his head. He groaned in protest as his hands caught the towel and pulled it away from his face.

"It's too early for me to be seeing Rufus's stupid face." He groaned, rolling over onto his side and turning to look at me, "And fucking Tseng and Elena, too."

"It's too early for me to entertain the idea of sitting through a three hour lecture, but I have to do it." I said, glancing at the clock. I tried pulling my jeans up but noticed they didn't quite fit like they were supposed to. Groaning inwardly, I noticed I had picked up Axel's jeans by mistake. No wonder they were so tight, damn stick. I headed for the jungle that we called our closet and scavenged its contents for the correct pair of jeans. "Now get your ass up."

I heard a pathetic thud followed by Axel groaning miserably. His feet shuffled against the floor and the bathroom door closed a few seconds later. I waited to hear the water for the shower running before returning to the room as I was pulling on a deep, sangria turtleneck. I headed for the kitchen, intent on making my morning batch of coffee when I stopped to sniff at the air for a minute.

Pancakes?

I entered the hallway and into the living room where I caught sight of my mother humming around the kitchen. Her hair was pulled away from her face and piled up high on her head as she often wore it when she was cooking. She was already dressed and looked like she had already attended to Soro who was currently eating out of her bowl already.

She twirled around to fork two more pancakes onto a plate behind her and looked up to see me watching her from the hallway. She grinned, "Good _morning_, son! Ready for your first day back to NYU?" She asked, cheerfully.

"...Mom … how do you have the energy to be this peppy in the morning?"

She shrugged nonchalantly, "I don't know. Taking care of four children for nearly twenty years does that to you." She turned back to the stove, "Let's see, we've got pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, toast… I put some coffee on and there's some orange juice and soy milk in the fridge."

"…When did you go out shopping?" I asked.

"Took your keys and went out last night when the two of you went to sleep." She replied, turning off the stove, "I see you two completely ignored my request to eat better, so I took the liberty to go out and get a few things. So, what are you taking this semester?"

"Uhm …" I pulled a pancake off the stack in front of me and put it on the plate my mother handed to me, "Mostly the remainder of my English courses … and I've got an art elective."

"Art, hm? That's … a bit unexpected." My mother mused, "What brought that one on?"

I shrugged, "Needed an elective. Wanted to try something—"

"**SHIT**!"

My mother winced as she turned her attention to the hallway and brought her hand to mouth in concern. Even Soro perked up slightly at the disturbance, but then went back to eating her food. She dropped it a few seconds later and turned to me, "Was … was that Axel?" She raised her eyebrows, "Is he all right?"

"Probably." I replied as I heard him yelling something angrily in Portuguese, "He's always injuring himself in here. Precisely why he needs to learn to clean up."

My mother sighed, wiped her hands off on her apron and walked over to the hallway entryway. She peered down the hallway, "Axel!" She called, "Are you all right in there?"

"…Fine, Sabel." I heard Axel mutter miserably, "Just … fine."

"Okay." My mother answered back cheerfully, "I made breakfast for you boys! Come get some when you're ready!"

I heard Axel thank her and my mother toddled back over to the stove, "Now, what were you saying?"

"An elective." I said as I began pouring the soy milk into a glass, "I've been trying to branch out into stuff that I'm not necessarily … good at, so to speak."

"So you chose art, hm?" My mother nodded in encouragement, "Sounds like a good idea. After all, what's the point of college if you don't branch out and broaden your horizons, right? Maybe … hm … what was her name? Your friend that used to really love art from elementary school?"

"Naminé?" I asked.

"Yes, her." My mother smiled, "Maybe she can help you out. Isn't she an artist now?"

"Mom … it's not that serious."

"Oh, sure." She replied shaking her head, "You say that now. But, I know you, Roxas. You were my genius child, remember? Never would stand for anything but your best." She laughed, "But, now that I think about it, you were also stubborn, too. Never asked for help, always wanted to do things on your own."

I glanced at her and she smiled back at me as she tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, "What are you doing today?"

"Oh … well, hm. I have a few places to check out today… and then I'm meeting up with your sister for a little while. That should be all."

I frowned slightly at the mention of Rikku, but my mom didn't seem to catch it. Two seconds later, Axel was wandering into the kitchen with a slight limp and sour face. My mom pushed a plate in front of him when he sat down next to me on the bar and grinned, "Are you okay? What happened?"

"Fuc—" He caught himself when my mom raised her eyebrows in his direction, "I mean … _freaking_ guitar fell on my foot."

"The V?" I asked.

"Yes, the freaking Flying V."

My mom looked at the two of us curiously and Axel motioned with his hands, "It's a V shaped guitar made by Gibson." He replied, "I only use it really for recording."

"Mm." My mother nodded her head in understanding, "So, what are you up to today, Axel?"

"Uh … record label meeting." He replied, drizzling his pancakes in syrup.

"Oh, I know how those go." My mother laughed bitterly, "Well, kind of. It's a bit different from agency meetings, but I'm sure the same pressures are there." She shrugged, "Can't say I regret fading out of the business after I had this one over here and his three other siblings."

"Really?" Axel asked, cutting up his pancakes, "Why?"

My mother shrugged, "Found more important things in life. Well, I shouldn't say that. I really did love acting and modeling … but I'd say having my own family was a much better deal than my career ever was." She smiled fondly at me and leaned over to grab at one of my cheeks, but I swatted her hand away, "Was a lot more rewarding in the long run."

Axel looked at the two of us and seemed to get lost in his thoughts briefly. He turned back to his food, a smile pulling at his lips. "Yeah. Somehow I bet it was."

-x-

"She really seems like she's changed, Nam."

"Hm?" Naminé glanced up from her easel to look at me.

I stretched out on the sofa and rested my hands behind my head, "She's looking more sure of herself every day. It's almost like she's back to the same person she was when we were kids. Always smiling … cracking a joke every now and then. She's completely less subdued than she was when I was at my worst three years ago."

"I'm glad." Naminé smiled, "She deserves happiness. We all do, Roxas."

"Yeah." I replied, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. I turned to look at Naminé, "What are you drawing?"

"You." She replied, "So don't move."

"Huh." I looked toward the ceiling, "Haven't heard much about my father. I don't even know if any of my siblings are even speaking to him or to us really. Then again, he was always like that."

"Like what?"

"Whenever he was mad at my mother, he took it out on us, too." I replied, "Mad at mom, mad at the kids."

"Hm." Naminé hummed sadly, "That's not right."

"Well, a lot of what he did wasn't." I sighed, "But, enough about him. It's been nice having my mom around. She's a little overbearing at times, but then again, this is my mother. She's made breakfast and dinner for Axel and I everyday this week, cleaned up the apartment, looked after Soro …" I shook my head, "I keep telling that she doesn't have to do all that stuff but she really won't hear otherwise."

"That's your mom, Roxas." Naminé giggled, "That urge to take care of you will always be there."

"Axel says she's nowhere as bad as his grandmother is, though. I don't see how that's possible, but, whatever." I turned to look at Naminé, "You know the two of them are like a tag team that never stops, right? They went out for coffee the other day, Nam. _Coffee_!"

"Shouldn't you be happy that your mother and the person you chose to be with are getting along?"

"Not when it's detrimental to my mental health."

"Roxas, you're exaggerating."

"No, I'm not." I replied, crossing my arms over my chest and frowned, "You need to see the two of them together in action. That's the only way you'll understand what I go through on a daily basis."

"Roxas, I think you secretly like the fact that they get along so well."

"I came home to the two of them singing along to some old Billy Joel song the other day while they were cooking dinner together."

"Like I said. I think you secretly like the fact that they get along so well. And your mother seems to really like spending time with the two of you." Naminé smiled again in that knowing way of hers where she knew you couldn't refute what she was telling you, "So just enjoy it while it lasts."

"I guess." I glanced toward the snow frosted window outside and then turned back to her, "Oh, my brother is having some big family dinner this weekend."

"Oh?" Naminé asked, "And why is that I wonder?"

"Didn't really say. Just wanted us all to be there or something. Said we could bring those that were important to us, too."

"Hmmmm." Naminé paused in thought, "Didn't your brother just have twins last summer? Perhaps …"

"...You're thinking its an engagement party?" I asked, "That was my guess, too."

"It does seem like the most plausible reason." She nodded, "…How old is Cloud again?"

"Twenty five… turning twenty six in August."

"And Tifa?"

"Twenty four going on twenty five. Don't ask me when her birthday is, that's all I know." I blinked, "Marriage, huh? It would make sense, I guess. He's been with Tifa for nearly two years now."

"That's a good amount of time… and they do have two children together. While that isn't any reason to be married, it would only further their case." She reached for another pencil settled on the shelf beside her, "Speaking of being together, aren't you and Axel coming up on three years soon?"

"Yeah. In June." I sighed, "Time is flying by."

"Mmm, it is." She set her pencil down and looked at the picture for awhile. "I'm done, Roxas. Want to see it?"

I looked toward her as she picked the drawing pad off her easel and walked my way. She sat opposite me on the couch, placed the drawing pad between the two of us and spun it my way. I picked it up and scrutinized it for a minute. She had left my face blank, but had pretty much captured the essence of what she saw despite that. I looked up at her and set the drawing pad down, "It's good."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

She smiled, "Well. Go on then, Roxas. Take it."

-x-

"So do any of you know what this is about?" My mother questioned as the walk sign appeared before us.

"Not in the least." I answered, holding out my hand to help her step over a large section of ice in the street.

"Perhaps I wore the wrong shoes." She said, glancing down at her stiletto boots and then looking back at me for confirmation, "Well, your brother did say it was a special occasion."

"And to extend the invite out to significant others says something even more." Axel chimed in; taking my mother's other hand as she stepped onto the sidewalk.

"Thanks you two, but I'm not an old lady." She laughed gently as she straightened her scarf after she stepped up onto the sidewalk.

"Wouldn't want you falling, either way, Sabel." Axel replied as he let my mother's hand go and shoved his hands into his coat pockets.

"Well, you're right. Let's go, you two."

The three of us continued side by side as we neared the corner of 51st street. I turned to look at my mother, "I talked to Sora before we came. He told me that Cloud said the same thing to all of us. That it was just important that we be there with whomever we considered to be important to us."

"Hm." My mother smiled warmly, "I think I already know what this is about but I'll hold out on my suspicions."

We arrived at the restaurant a few minutes later. Sora and Riku were already inside of the place with Yuna, Rikku and … was that Gippal? I raised my eyebrows in curiosity when Axel opened the door and allowed my mother to walk in first, followed by me and then let it close behind him.

Sora was the first to see us and immediately came over and started with his hugging regiment. He stayed on my mother the longest to the point where Riku had to pull him off or we'd be having Sora Hug Fest all night.

He laughed sheepishly, scratching the back of his head, "Hey! You guys made it!"

"Yeah." I said, glancing from him to where Yuna and Rikku were currently sitting with Gippal and then back at him, "Is Cloud here yet?"

Sora nodded, "Yeah, we were waiting for the three of you, though." He turned around, "Rikku, Yuna, Gippal!"

Rikku was the first to turn around to look at Sora and stood up when she saw the three of us standing at the door, "It's about time you guys got here." She chided, yanking Gippal along with her. Yuna followed suit, "We've been waiting all night."

"Ten minutes, Rikku." Yuna corrected her, smiling gently. She looked from me to my mother and then Axel, "It's good to see everyone again."

"Yo." Gippal nodded to me, "Roxas, it's been ages. How've ya been?"

"Fine."

He turned to Axel, "Hmm. Don't think we've met before, though you look pretty familiar."

Rikku tugged at his arm, "That's Axel, hello! _Organization XIII_!"

Gippal squinted and then cocked his head to the side in interest, "So he is." He extended his free hand to Axel, "Gippal."

Axel glanced at me in amusement and then shook it, "Axel."

"Uh huh." Gippal turned to my mother last, "Ah, Sabel. It's been a long time, too. How has everything been?"

"It's been good, Gippal." My mother was starting to crack up at the exchange before her, "It's been … really, really, good. And you?"

"Can't complain either." He glanced over his shoulder, "Ah …"

"Oh, right, right." Sora said, "Come on guys."

Sora turned to the maître d' and said a few short words before we were being led off into the restaurant. After weaving in and out of tables, we were finally escorted into a large dining room. Cloud was the first person I noticed, followed by Tifa and then the twins seated between the two of them. On Tifa's side of the table were five other people that I didn't know.

Cloud rose immediately and exchanged words with the maître d' before disappearing and closing the door behind him. Cloud nodded toward the table and instructed for us to sit down, my mother next to him and the rest of us followed. My father was nowhere to be seen.

"Mr. and Mrs. Lockhart, my mother Sabel." He gestured to my mother who was holding her hands to her mouth and her eyes were positively shining, nearly misting over in tears. She turned to the two people across the table seated to Tifa's right.

"A pleasure." My mother began, bowing her head slightly.

"As it is for us, too." Tifa's mother began, seemingly reciprocating the same enthusiasm that my mother had. Tifa's father merely smiled gently at my mother and nodded his head in greeting.

"My brother's Sora and Roxas and with them, Riku and Axel."

Sora beamed happily and greeted them also. I managed to greet them more normally than Sora of course. Riku and Axel greeted them just as I did. Axel kicked me under the table and I had to fight the urge to smirk at Cloud conveniently leaving out just exactly who Axel and Riku were to Sora and I.

"My cousin, Yuna." He gestured toward Yuna who waved to them.

"And lastly, my sister Rikku and her boyfriend, Gippal."

Rikku turned to look at Tifa's parents and then at Cloud with the biggest smile I'd seen on her face since she'd returned to New York. She greeted them just as Yuna had and Gippal followed after her.

Cloud turned to Tifa and she rose from the table, "Sabel, my mother and father, Rena and Delyn." She turned to her left, "My sister Rinoa." She gestured toward a girl dressed entirely in blue next to her mother. "And my sister Garnet and her boyfriend, Zidane." She gestured lastly to a soft spoken girl dressed in white and the blonde man sitting next to her. When we all seemed to get acquainted with one another, Tifa turned to Cloud and he nodded at her. "So then, shall we?"

"Nearly two years ago was the beginning of things for us... and as we near our second anniversary we figured that it should include all of you as well. As a family, as a whole." Cloud began, looking across the table and reaching for Tifa's hand in the process.

Tifa glanced down at Marlene and Denzel who were currently cooing and sputtering between the two of them and smiled warmly, "We've been through a lot of changes in the past two years and … there's more that's bound to come. And it's something that we wanted to endure together."

Cloud turned to my mother, "Mom?"

"Cloud, you know you have my support." She glanced toward Tifa, "I would love to have Tifa as part of the family."

Tifa smiled at my mom and then glanced at her parents, "Well?"

"You have our blessing as well." Delyn looked at my mother, "As it is the same for us. Cloud has been all that we had hoped for for Tifa."

"I'm glad." My mother replied, "I take it you two already exchanged the rings prior to all of this?"

A murmur of laughter floated around the table as Tifa nodded to my mother's question. Tifa turned to Cloud afterwards to search his face for some type of confirmation and then sat down again. He sat down after her.

Afterwards, dinner carried on in a somewhat light hearted and festive affair. Sora and Rikku talked more to Tifa's sisters than I did, though I wasn't without an answer if they asked me something. Cloud, albeit his stoicism, looked genuinely happy by the end of the night's events. My mother became engrossed in conversation with Tifa's parents as I knew she would be. Interestingly enough, any questions about my father seemed to be lacking during the entire of dinner.

There were discussions of wedding plans, how many bridesmaids Tifa was going to have, who were they going to buy the dress from, how many guests would attend the wedding, where would the wedding be held, when would the wedding be held. So on and so forth. It was enough to make my head spin.

At the end of dinner, we all went our separate ways. Sora and Riku back uptown. Rikku, Yuna and Gippal said they were going out with Paine, so they were going to swing downtown to pick her up and head out to God knows where. Axel and I waited around for our mother and Cloud to finish talking with Tifa's parents and exchanging extraneous information that had been left out during dinner. That left Tifa, my niece and nephew and Tifa's sisters to stand around in the restaurant with Axel and I while we waited for them to finish.

"Rinoa." Tifa started, smiling a bit as she finished bundling up Marlene in the dual stroller in front of her, "Are you free this week?"

"You know I've got that internship at the U.N., Tifa. I can't tear myself away at the minute." She glanced at Marlene who seemed to be fighting sleep and smiled, "You know I'd love to look after the twins, but I just can't this week."

"Garnet?" Tifa asked.

Garnet rose from Zidane's shoulder and shook her head, "I leave back for Boston tomorrow. Sorry."

Axel was nodding off at my side so Tifa turned to me instead, "Roxas, is your mom free?"

"You know she more than likely won't refuse you." I said.

"Really?" Tifa began, "I've got this catalogue shoot … and Cloud has something booked too at the same time and neither of us can really cancel right now. You're sure she won't mind? She's been helping us out a lot this winter and I don't want to ask her for too much …"

I turned toward my left and nodded toward my mother, "You can ask her yourself right now."

"—So we'll discuss those later—"

"—Yes, and you have—"

"—Right, right, wouldn't want—"

"—Oh, Sabel, you're—"

My mother and Tifa's parents erupted into a soft laughter before emerging before all of us. Rena and Delyn gravitated over to Rinoa and Garnet before wishing us all a good night and my mother came over to us.

"Well then, troops. Are you ready?" My mother asked, as Cloud helped her into her jacket and she began fixing her scarf around her neck.

"Sabel." Tifa began, "By any chance are you free—"

She glanced down at the twins, "What's wrong? Do you need to look after my two favorite brats for a little while?"

"Yes." Cloud replied, going to stand beside Tifa, "We weren't going to ask you before—"

"Nonsense, you two. You're about as bad as your brother, Cloud." My mother jabbed in my direction and waved a hand to dismiss their worrying, "Of course I'll look after my two little munchkins. Send them over to Roxas's place whenever you need me to look after them, okay?"

Cloud glanced at her and then me, "Roxas?"

"Didn't I tell you?" She asked, glancing at me, "Didn't Roxas tell you?"

"You said you were thinking about moving, you never said …" Cloud looked at me and I gave him a look that said, _don't start here_. Resigning himself from asking any questions right then and there, he turned back to my mother, "We'll let you know, soon."

My mother seemed to have missed our exchange and smiled cheerfully at Tifa and Cloud in return. After everyone said their goodbyes, I knocked Axel in the side and he groaned as he woke up. He looked at me sleepily and then glanced toward my mother who had turned around to call for us.

"Did I miss anything?" He asked, stifling a yawn and pulled his customary newsboy hat onto his head.

"Just my older brother trying to glare me to death."

"Why?"

"I'll explain later. Let's go."

Axel shrugged wordlessly, stretched and followed me toward the front of the restaurant where my mother was currently waiting for us.


	13. Crying Lightning

**13; crying lightning**

"So?"

"Bad day." I replied.

"Sabel says you've been in here for over an hour. Says she's called to you but you refuse to answer her." Axel replied, "You're mad, aren't you?"

I gritted my teeth, "Playing shrink today?"

"Just trying to understand what the issue is." I heard him mutter something that I didn't quite catch, "You talk to Cloud yet?"

"Yeah."

"So? What did he say to you?"

I drew my knees closer toward my chest, linked my hands around my ankles and pressed my back further against the cool tiles behind me. I closed my eyes and let the steam of the rushing shower fill my lungs.

"Roxas?"

"I explained how mom wanted to go about this whole moving process without getting everyone involved." I replied tiredly, dropping my head between my knees and shifted slightly. The water was starting to scald my skin.

"So … is she choosing you to be her scapegoat?"

"No." I muttered, "She knew I wouldn't say anything to my siblings. That's why she came here."

"…So she wants to move … but she doesn't want her children to know what she's doing in the meantime?" Axel asked, "Does that sound like it makes any sense to you, Roxas?"

"I don't really care at the moment so drop it, Axel." I snapped, "I'm not in the mood."

A rush of cold air infiltrated the heat of the shower. I immediately glanced up at the shower curtain to see light filtering in from above me. Axel was standing there with his eyebrows raised in interest. His eyes roamed the length of the bathtub and then landed on where I was huddled in the corner. He rolled up his sleeves, leaned forward and turned the knobs above the faucet so that the shower stopped. He got down on his knees and leaned against the edge of the bathtub.

"Come on. We're not doing this today, Roxas."

I looked at him through the pieces of wet hair falling in my eyes and then lowered my gaze.

"Rox—"

"I'm sick of something always …" I began. I paused briefly, rethinking my words for a moment. I crossed my arms over my knees and pressed my chin down where they crossed. "I'm sick of always feeling like I have to fix things.

"No one's asking you to."

I shook my head and glanced back at the shower, "No, Axel. I…"

He sighed irritably, getting to feet as he was already starting to move and unbutton his shirt, "Move over."

"You're not getting in here with me."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

"Yes," Axel yanked his shirt off and threw it off behind him and started unbuckling his pants next, "I am."

"This is stupid."

"Well, you won't talk. So, I'm going to do something about it." He dropped his pants next and I sighed as I covered my eyes, "What the hell? This is nothing you haven't already seen before! Stop acting like some embarrassed school girl who's seeing her boyfriend naked for the first time."

"No decency." I muttered as I heard his belt clatter to the floor along with his pants.

I felt Axel step into the tub beside me and closed the curtain behind him. A few seconds later the shower was back on and he was sitting down next to me. I uncovered my eyes to see Axel staring up at the shower and then he looked back down at me, "Now?"

"What the hell is this supposed to do?"

"Now we're both equally exposed." He wiggled his eyebrows at me, "Huh? You get it? See what I did there?"

I rolled my eyes at him and sighed loudly as I began to massage my face, "Axel …"

"Talk." He instructed, scooting closer to me and reaching an arm along the edge of the tub behind me. He frowned as he stretched his legs out and had to balance them on the opposite edge of the tub. "We need a bigger tub."

"You're just freakishly tall."

"I'm normal, I'll have you know." He said, looking pointedly at me, "You're just a midget."

"Keep deluding yourself." I narrowed my eyes at him, "And call me a midget one more—"

"Oh, stop trying to change the subject." He gripped my shoulder and shook me slightly, "_Talk_."

I sighed, leaning back into Axel's outstretched arm. He wasn't going to leave this alone, he never left things alone. Always insisting, always wanting. I crossed my arms over my chest and closed my eyes as I stretched out alongside him. I looked into the rising steam and shook my head, "My mother says she didn't tell the rest of my siblings because she didn't want them to worry. Apparently, I'm the only person that can keep secrets in my family."

"Hm."

"Not like it matters." I replied, "I want to help my mother out, you already know that. She knew I would be the one to give her the least resistance when it comes to something like this. You know, wanting privacy or whatever."

"But you're her children." Axel replied.

"You have to understand what life has been like for her for the last couple of years." I stated, "It's …more convenient for her to stay with us instead of coming in and out of the city on a daily basis. Yes, she could have stayed in a hotel but that's just another hassle she'd have to deal with. Media hogs, all of that crap."

"We still get that, too." Axel reminded me, "Don't think just because we've been together for this long that the media won't find something to write about us."

"They'd probably just assume she's visiting us." I replied, "If she went to a hotel, there'd be tons of stupid speculations like my father kicked her out of the house or something equally stupid. There's no room at Sora's place, Rikku's living with Paine until she goes back to Europe and Cloud and Tifa barely have any room with the twins around."

"How convenient."

"But, there's still the issue of not telling my brothers or sister that she's staying with me. I'd say she's so used to secrets and keeping things hushed up, that it's normal for her. And frankly, being that it's only temporary, I don't see the point in making such a big deal about it anyway. What I'm pissed off about is that just because my mother is doing something that only I know about, they see it as some reason to jump down my neck." I snapped, closing my eyes and willing the tightness in my chest to go away.

"Things really haven't changed, have they?" Axel asked, "Didn't this already happen when you all went up there last month? You knew about the divorce and your siblings didn't so they kind of ganged up on you to tell them?"

"Yes." I replied, looking up at him, "And it's happening _again_."

Axel sighed, shifting his arm slightly and bringing it just below my shoulder blades, "Did you talk to Sabel, at least?"

"No. I don't want to talk to anyone." I replied, "…But you."

"Heard that line before, too."

"You're …" I paused, and then looked up at Axel. "You're the only one that seems to make sense to me most of the time." I replied.

Axel smiled warmly and beamed happily. He instantly rolled me into his arms and squeezed me as hard as he could, "Aww, Roxy…"

"Stop being such a girl." I muttered into his chest as I tried to push him away, but he wouldn't relent. Sighing I allowed him to rub his cheek against my own like some type of adult sized, deranged cat, "At any rate—stop molesting my cheek, dammit—it all boils down to my mother wanting this to be a somewhat quiet transition. She knew I wouldn't meddle and get involved like my other siblings would." I sighed when Axel started rubbing our noses together, but continued anyway, "When all of this calms down, she'll more than likely have us all up at the house to move stuff for her and whatever."

Axel pulled back and rose an eyebrow in question, "Has she narrowed her choices down, yet?"

"Gramercy Park. Around 16th to be exact. Two bedroom, two bathrooms." I replied, "I went with her to go check it out after class. She already put an offer up for it. The agent said we'd have to wait a week to see if the people accepted the offer, but I'm pretty sure she got it."

"So then, looks like she's spending another week with us, then?" Axel asked, his eyes drifting suddenly and I already knew there was something on his mind.

"More than likely. Why?"

He sighed, "Well, I've got some business to attend to …"

"Business _where_?" I asked. When he refused to meet my eyes, I narrowed my eyes at him, "You're leaving again, aren't you?"

"California." He looked down at me, "_Rox_, don't give me that look. You knew this was coming soon. It's about that time again."

I pushed off his chest and frowned, "Well, when were you going to tell me? And for how long?"

"I don't know … a week or two?" He drummed his fingers against his cheek, "Didn't really get to discuss all that I could with Rufus when we had that meeting, so he's flying us out to LA this Friday." He placed a hand on my head and leaned down to kiss my forehead, "I'll be back before your birthday. Don't worry."

"I'm not worried."

"…Roxas? Are you _pouting_?"

"I am _not_."

"You are, too."

"…What are you going out there for, anyway?" I asked.

"Well, you know the label headquarters are out there." He sighed, "He wants to hear what we've come up with for the album so far."

"I thought you've deleted nearly every song you've finished?"

"We've got about four or five that are pretty solid. But, it's still not enough for a typical twelve or thirteen track album… unless we release an EP or something. I hate those, though. Much rather work—"

"Tour dates?" I asked, interrupting him.

"We'll probably do the playing at a club thing for a little while..." He began, "You know, those one night only mini tour things? Just so we can spike interest in the public and then turn things around before we go on a major tour for three months or so."

"When?"

"More than likely during the summer." He grinned, "You can come with us this time."

"Do you even think you'll be finished with the album by then?"

"We're aiming to have it done by late spring."

"Late _spring_? May? June?" I asked incredulously, "Axel, it's almost February."

"I know." He replied, "We can do it."

"Are you sure?"

"Are you doubting me?"

I sighed, "Less doubt, more concern. You three can never settle on anything. I saw how you were in the studio while I was on break."

"Yeah, well …" Axel shrugged dismissively, "We tend to work better when we've got an established deadline, rather than letting the record label let us play around for half the year without any direction." He sat up and reached for the hot water knob. "It'll be fine." After he turned it off, he stood up and reached for my hand to pull me to my feet. "Now come on, let's get out of here. You're starting to prune."

-x-

"Are you angry with me, honey?"

I turned around to look at my mother. She was sitting cross legged at the bar with a mug of tea nestled between her hands. I shook my head as I turned back around to the counter, "Not you, explicitly." I started, "Just peeved with everyone in general."

"What do you mean?"

"Just trying to understand why everyone in this family seems to gang up on me for every little thing." I replied, kneeled down by the cabinet to look for Soro's bag of dog food. "…That's not right, I'm sorry. What I mean is... I'm trying to understand what the problem is."

"With me?"

"With everything." I replied, "Mom, you seem to confide in me a lot more than you do Rikku, Sora and Cloud. Or not so much confide, but look to me for a sense of reassurance than you do the rest of your children. …At least, that's what type of feeling I'm getting."

"Do you … do you think I'm relying on you for too much?" She asked, hesitantly.

"No." I said, "It's a stressful time for us all right now so I know you need support. I'm just wondering why I seem to know what's going on with you more than Sora, Rikku or Cloud do."

"It's because …" My mother took a sip of her tea and cleared her throat. She refused to meet my eyes, "Roxas, despite everything that happened with you in the past, I feel you're the most level headed out of all of your siblings. As for Sora and Rikku … they're not as emotionally mature as you. …And Cloud … Cloud takes on this role of a protector with me. I don't get that from you."

"So …?"

"You're there for support when I need it, but it's not like you're going to try to stifle me or you don't know what to do with me. You're just … always there, son." My mom sighed heavily, "Sometimes I feel like time is lost to the two of us. I mean, with everything that happened during your teenage years that is. …When your father kicked you out of the house I feel like our relationship became so strained because of him. I didn't know what to do. Sometimes, I feel like it's my own fault for not reaching out to you like I should have in years past, but I thought I was protecting you to some degree by keeping you away from us rather than having you with us."

"Mom …"

"With you father, it always felt like he was making me choose between him and your siblings. Sure, Cloud was there to look after you when you came back from rehab. Then you and Sora got that apartment after he graduated and moved back into the city …" She frowned, "I kept my distance because I thought you hated us, hated _me_. I didn't want to aggravate your stressors even further by doing something that counteracted your efforts to get better. It's a pathetic excuse for having stayed away for all these years, I know." She fingered the side of her mug, "I relied on Sora a lot in those years. He told me about the conservatorship and live-in situation with Axel, which I agreed to in case you didn't know."

"I'm beyond all that."

"But, I don't think you are. Or at least, maybe I'm not." My mother shook her head, "I mean, I can see that mentally you're in a much better place now, Roxas. But, the fact remains that I wasn't there when I should have been. I kept my distance … because I thought it was the best thing to do at the time." She looked up at me, resolve in her eyes, "I want to make things right from here on out."

"So is this your time to play catch up?"

"Yes … and no." She sipped at her tea again, "I meant what I said earlier about you being the most dependable out of all your siblings. In terms of emotional support, that is. I know everyone says you're cold and shut off from everything, but there's a part—"

"A part of me that still cares, yes, yes, I know." I sighed in irritation as I began to pour Soro's food into her bowl, "I get that all the time from Axel, you don't have to say it, too."

"I know." My mother smiled, cheekily, "That's who I got it from."

"I wish the two of you would stop spending so much time together. One of him is more than enough for me to handle." I sighed, "But, going back to what you were saying?"

"Oh, well, I said it all, really." She smiled into her mug, "I think things are going to be a lot better from here on out. I don't … I don't feel stifled anymore. Or like I'm being controlled, chained to something I don't want. It's liberating to be where I am now and I'm going to live the rest of my life however I see fit. And I want to get in touch with my children again. I want to see them live their lives in ways that I didn't." She nodded to herself, "And for the most part, I can see that happening. I just want to be happy, Roxas." She finally said, and drummed her fingers along the edge of the bar, "And I want you all to be happy. That's all I can ask for right now. That's all I want right now."

"Yeah, I know." Soro perked up when I finished pouring her food and sat the bag down to the side of me. "I understand where you're coming from, mom. I just hope you don't stray from where you're trying to go."

"It'll take time to fix things."

"You've already started to do it."

"Mmm," She nudged her mug gently, "I just… I just hope I can continue with it."

-x-

My mother got the apartment by the end of January.

Sora and Cloud went up to the old mansion to help mom with bringing her stuff down into the city. Although I offered to help, she told me to stay back at the loft with Axel and not to worry about it. I'd already done enough with letting her stay with Axel and I for the last few weeks of January. I admit, I would miss her making breakfast for the two of us every morning. My standard breakfast of coffee and a crappy cereal bar for the majority of the week only does but so much in the way of sustenance.

Axel left for California on the first of February. His departure of course involved a whole bunch of dramatic hugging and spinning me around as he always did. I was holding the demented redhead to his word. He had better be back for my birthday. I'd let his imagination conjure up all the undesirable consequences.

With Axel gone and the loft pretty much dead, I was spending a lot more time with Olette and Pence or Naminé on most occasions. She was in the middle of working on a bunch of deranged pieces for some art exhibition that she had coming up. She also spent some time going over some art projects I had due for class that week. Honestly, I can see now that art just isn't my thing.

Olette and Pence completely broke it off with one another sometime in the middle of January. It seemed to work more in their favor more than against it. After the whole miscarriage business and their engagement falling through, it was something they seemed like they needed. Rather than pushing through with a relationship that wasn't going in the right direction, it was better to end it instead.

As for the rest of my family, well …

For one, it was only a matter of time before news of Cloud and Tifa's engagement reached the media. I didn't really pay too much attention to it, but every sleazy tabloid show and magazine out there couldn't get enough of it. Cloud and Tifa didn't seem to care all too much about it. They hadn't even set a date for the wedding yet. Guess they were just enjoying the shitshow of media speculations at the moment.

Rikku left with Sora and Riku for Europe in early February. Something about fashion week in Madrid. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention, nor was I really interested in finding out what was going on. My sister was more than likely going there for press related reasons and Riku was a photographer, so of course he'd be there. …Sora was probably just with the two of them for all the free food.

Aside from everything else, there wasn't much left for me to do than to wait for Axel to come back from California. I stuck to school and checking up on my mother when I could. But, that didn't do much to stave off my boredom. Well, until Axel came back home, that is. And with my birthday right around the corner, you can bet that he was already making plans: with or without my consent.

-x-

"Hey, birthday boy? You almost ready in there?"

"Almost… and it's not my birthday yet." I replied, readjusting my shirt cuffs for the fifth time that night. I sighed, looking at myself in the mirror and then glanced toward our room when I saw Axel appearing in the doorway. He leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes roaming me up and down.

"Bah, close enough. It'll be here in two days. Might as well start the celebrations now, huh?" Axel grinned wildly, "Well, well, _well_, Mr. Ardenwell. Turn around?"

"Stop that." I muttered, feeling a rising in my chest. I cleared my throat, "Are Zexion and Demyx here yet?"

Axel shook his head, "Auron hasn't called up yet, so I'm assuming no." He glanced toward the phone and then looked back at me, "No rush, though, right?"

"I'd rather not make any grand appearances that you seem to be so fond of." I began, as I started to walk out the bathroom. I turned out the light by the door and closed the bathroom door behind me.

He moved aside so I could walk past him and sit down on the bed, "So, it's just the four of us tonight? Pence is busy, I know that … but none of your brothers wanna come out with us?" Axel asked, taking a seat beside me.

"Cloud's got my niece and nephew to look after and the club scene really isn't Sora's thing. Besides, everyone's coming to that joint birthday dinner Sora and I are having, remember?" I asked, looking at him.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. In other words, Cloud's wifed up, Sora's a bum…" Axel scoffed, falling back onto the bed with his hands behind his head, "Hey, you don't think your little sister would wanna come, huh? I know she isn't a guy but she can act like one sometimes. And, yeah, she might be underage, but you _know_ how some clubs are lax when pretty girls come to their door, Rox. They'd probably let her in if given the chance."

I looked at him as if telling him to stop right there and his cheeks twitched slightly as he broke out into a slight grin.

"_What_? Don't look at me like that." He laughed gently, "Aww, is this one of those 'don't talk about my little sister that way' older brother moments?" When I looked away from him, his laughter increased, "It _is_. Roxas, this is gold. I don't think I've seen you act like this before."

"Shut up while you're ahead, Axel." I looked at the clock. It was almost ten. I turned to look at Axel who yawned loudly, "Now who's tired?"

"Hey, I just go back into the city this morning. I have an excuse."

"Yeah, and I go to school all day and then come home to study all night." I nudged his leg slightly, "You slept all day today."

"You didn't do any work all day today."

I rolled my eyes at him, "Enough of this, already. Call Zexion and Demyx so we can get out of here, already."

"Right, right." He reached into his front pocket and pulled out his cell phone, "I really think you should call Rikku, though. Isn't she a bit of a wild child like you?"

"More so than less." I muttered, "And to clarify, I was never a wild child. …I just did a lot of stuff that landed me into more trouble than I needed when I was younger."

"Yeah, yeah," He shook my shoulders gently, "And, come on! None of that moody, self deprecation stuff tonight! We're partying and living it up, remember? It's your birthday!" He paused when he caught me rolling my eyes at him, "Soon."

"How do you have this much energy after flying all the way across the country and claiming to have not slept for more than three hours a night for the past week and a half?"

"…Good ole Mary Jane?" He asked.

"What the hell? That stuff makes you want to sleep more so than keep you awake."

He scratched his chin as he brought his phone to his ear, "Not me … maybe it's because I eat a lot? Then I get more energy or something …"

"…Shut up, Axel."

He grinned as he reached an arm around my shoulder and drew me in slightly. He squeezed my shoulder gently and then turned his attention to his phone, "Hey, where the hell are you two? Me and Rox are ready … Oh, that's nice. Well, when were you going to call me and tell me that? Right, right. Yeah, whatever. Shut up and stay put, we'll be down in a minute." He clicked off the phone and rolled his eyes, "Come on, the gang's all here."

-x-

"So, Roxas!" Demyx grinned, "Did you miss us?"

I glanced at him and then promptly looked away as my answer.

Zexion disguised his snort as a coughing fit and looked toward the light that had just turned green before us, "Just the type of reaction I was expecting."

"He missed me, though." Axel nudged me as we waited for the light to turn so we could start walking again, "Didn't you, Rox?"

I looked toward Axel and rolled my eyes at him, "Even when you leave people physically, you're still there to annoy them mentally."

He turned to Demyx and stuck his tongue out, "See, he missed me."

"Of course he'd miss you!" Demyx paused, muttering a few words under his breath and then turned back to Axel, "Anyway, so the place we're going to tonight … aren't we supposed to be playing there next weekend, too?"

"Yeah." Axel replied as we started walking across the street again, "But, tonight it's all about Roxy over here." He turned to grin at me.

"Yeah, how's that? You're gonna be twenty three this year, Roxas. You're getting up there, huh?" Demyx nudged my other shoulder. I removed my hand from my pocket and promptly punched him so he would stop nudging me, "Ow …"

"Come on, Dem. That was stupid." Axel commented. He looked up and pointed ahead of us, "We're almost there. Come on you three."

We picked up the pace just as Axel did. Thankfully, it wasn't all that cold tonight so I could deal with being outside for a moment until we got to the place. We neared the end of the street and rounded the corner to encounter a line of people outside of a building that looked like an old storage warehouse. I gazed up at the darkened windows and could make out the faint sounds of the heavy bass of dubstep, along with a myriad of flashing colors behind the window panes.

If this didn't bring me back, I don't know what did. I turned toward Axel who was grabbing my free hand to pull me toward the line. Guess he didn't want to make a scene. Demyx and Zexion followed and went to stand on the line behind the two of us.

"What is this place?" I asked, looking up at Axel.

"New place that opened up. Called A—_ore_." He shrugged, "Heard good reviews for it … and like Dem said, we're playing here in a week or so..."

"Hm, so this is business and pleasure?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Something like that." He replied, grinning at me, "But, like I said before …it's all about you tonight, birthday boy. You said you wanted to let loose for your birthday and I will surely deliver. Now, then ..." He cocked his head to the side when he caught my facial expression, "…This is okay, right?"

"Huh?" I turned to look back at Axel, "Oh, yeah, it's just … I was thinking."

"You were spacing out there like you were a zombie or something. Everything okay? I mean, we can go somewhere else if this isn't what you wanna do. I just thought letting loose meant … you know … have a drink or two, dance for a bit … tire yourself out and then we can go home and—"

I sighed, rolling my eyes at him, "I said it's _fine_." I waved him away as we advanced forward in the line, "Just thinking about how this brings up memories."

"Of?"

"When I used to go out to these raves with Hayner in Brooklyn." I replied, looking around us briefly, "Dark streets, flashing lights, shady looking crowd … I'm pretty sure it'll be completely different when we get in there but the outside just brings me back."

Axel frowned, placing his hands on my shoulders and steered me forward, "Well, that's in the past, okay? Right now you're here with me, Demyx and Zexion and I'm determined—"

"Roxas!"

I cringed at first and then relaxed when I heard the voice a second time.

"_Roxas_! Don't pretend you can't hear me!"

I looked around the clearing for a minute, trying to determine where the voice was coming from. I eventually turned around and Axel's hands dropped from my shoulders as he did the same thing. I saw my little sister standing on the corner on the street across from us, waving excitedly when I spotted her. She had her other arm hooked around Gippal's and tugged him harshly across the street when the light changed. She was grinning wildly as she neared the three of us and immediately let Gippal go in favor of nearly tackling me to the floor and hugging me.

"Right on time, too!"

...Sora opened his mouth, didn't he? I sighed, looking down at my little sister, "What are you doing here, Rikku?"

"What?" She slapped me on the shoulder and I winced slightly, "Thought you could leave me out, huh?"

"Not … really. This was …"

"No, I already heard everything from Sora." She turned around and grabbed at Gippal who was standing off to the side, "I brought a guy, okay? And tonight, even though I'm wearing heels, I'm one of the guys. Got it?" She looked up at Axel, then Demyx and Zexion, "Right, guys?"

Axel looked to be briefly and I shrugged, "Can you even get in?"

"Do you know who I am?" She asked, cocking her head to the side in question.

"I'll take that as a yes." My little sister beamed slightly and then got into line behind Demyx and Zexion. I turned back to Axel and he shrugged, "You're going to let her stay?" He asked.

"I can't really tell her to go home, can I?" I shrugged, "It's fine. She's got Gippal here with her. As abrupt as this is … she can stay. She wouldn't leave even if I told her, anyway."

Axel nodded in understanding as we advanced further in the line toward the door. The bouncer let us in without a second glance and another bouncer was there to lead us up into the VIP area of the club. It was loud inside the club and the heavy bass of the music blaring overhead was already reverberating in my chest. Rikku instantly shed her coat and was instantly off somewhere with Gippal, leaving Axel, Demyx, Zexion and I behind.

After shrugging off my jacket and dropped it near my sister's, I walked over to the edge of the open room and leaned against the railing so I could peer down into the dance floor. It was a mess of dancing bodies, all pushed into one another—pulling this way and that. My hands itched slightly as I dragged them across the railing and gripped the cold bar.

A long time ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about being in a place like this. …Or rather, a place that resembled this. It was light years away from the raves and underground clubs that Hayner and I used to frequent back when I was a teenager. The atmosphere of this club was artificial, something that could only be perceived to be real. There was none of the lawlessness of the parties I used to go to. It wasn't everyone for themselves here. A sense of security wasn't lacking. Then again, most of the time I didn't care about finding a sense of security. I was always looking for a means of escape.

"Roxas?"

I turned around to see Axel standing behind me with a beer in hand. He waved it at me and reached forward with it in my direction. I looked down at it briefly before accepting it from him. I turned around and sat down on the sofa I had been standing next to and Axel came to join me. He was drinking his usual jack and coke. He turned around to look at me and cocked his head to the side.

"Everything all right, birthday boy?"

I looked up at him and nodded quickly, "Where's Demyx and Zexion?"

"Somewhere in that mess." He said, nodding off behind us, "Ready to dance?"

"Not yet." I shook my head and cracked open my beer. I took a small swig before turning my attention on Axel again. He jiggled his drink around so that the ice swished around and clacked noisily against the sides of the glass, "I'm worried about my sister."

"Why?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in concern.

"This really isn't her type of scene." I said, looking over my shoulder.

"Doesn't she want to spend time with you?"

"Is she here right now?"

Axel nodded, "Good point…" He took a sip of his jack and coke again, "Do you wanna go look for her?"

"In a minute. I just want to stay here for now …" I replied, looking up at the strobe lights that blared overhead on the dance floor. I turned to look at Axel, "Just …"

"Whatever you want to do." Axel said, leaning back into the chair and crossing his legs out in front of him.

We sat in silence for a while with me drinking my beer and Axel going back to go get another jack and coke after he finished his first one. I turned my attention back to the dance floor and went to stand before the railing again after I finished my beer. I could spot Demyx immersed within the center of the crowd and saw Zexion sitting over by the bar. No sign of my sister or Gippal, anywhere.

I was about to go sit down again when I felt Axel's arm slide across my hips and he lowered himself down to my ear, "You're tense tonight." He whispered, his voice seemed low and airy against the heavy thud of the bass in my body, "You're thinking too much."

I shook my head as I felt his hands creep lower, brushing the ends of my unbuttoned shirt away and winding his fingers within the edge of wife beater, "I'm trying not to."

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head again and turned slightly so I could look at him, "My stomach has been in knots for the entire night."

"Do you need another drink?" Axel asked, nodding off to the bar, "Something with a little more kick to it than just a beer?" He glanced over his shoulder to check if anyone was around and then turned back to me, "You don't need me to … _you know_?"

"No, I don't." I replied, feeling my cheeks darken slightly. I turned around to face him fully, "Can you go get me another drink?"

"Roger that." He pulled away from me and I went to go sit down on the couch again.

A few minutes after Axel left, I could hear my sister's distinctive laughter coming from the steps. Rikku soon came stumbling up the steps with Gippal firmly attached around her waist. I could already tell that she was tipsy, bordering on the edges of drunk as she collapsed into the spot on the couch beside me and leaned in my direction.

"Roxas!" She immediately began pulling on my sleeve and giggling giddily, "Roxas, Roxas, _Roxas_." She turned to Gippal and cracked a grin, "Is heeeee even lis … listening to me right nooowww?"

"She's drunk." I said, wrestling my arm out of Rikku's hand and bracing my sister as she nearly fell into my lap from lack of stability.

Gippal rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, "So she had a bit too many." He crossed his arms over his chest, "She'll be okay in a bit. We'll just keep her up here until she calms down, huh?"

"_What_ was she drinking, Gippal?"

"Shots." He replied, sitting down opposite the two of us, "I'll watch her, don't worry."

"If you had been doing that from the start, she wouldn't be like this right now."

"Heeeeyy." Rikku slurred, raising her head to look up at me, "Doonn't argue."

"All right, all right. Sheesh, taking the brother act a little bit too far, huh?" Gippal shrugged his shoulders and got to his feet.

He gathered Rikku up from my lap and supported her weight as he moved her onto the other couch so she could lie down without being bunched up on my side. Once she was settled against his shoulder, he looked to me for affirmation. I narrowed my eyes in his direction and he sighed and looked away. Axel came up the stairs a few seconds later with a clear drink in his hands.

He threw a questionable look in Rikku and Gippal's direction but I merely waved away his concerns and mouthed to him that I would talk to him about it later. I accepted the drink from him and asked him if he could go downstairs and get a glass of water for my sister. When Axel reappeared, he handed the water off to Gippal who held it up for Rikku to drink out of. A few seconds later she was complaining that she had to go to the bathroom, so Gippal got up and took her.

Halfway into my second drink I was starting to feel fuzzier and less inhibited than I had been earlier on. Whatever confusion or frustration I had been feeling all but dissipated. I turned to Axel who had been drumming his fingers along to the beat pumping out of the stereos and cracked a small, lazy smile.

"Feeling better now, I see." Axel commented, a smile coming to his face, "Ready to go down there now?"

"Hm …" I set my glass down, stood up and stretched. I glanced around the balcony and saw that Gippal and Rikku still had yet to return.

"We can look out for your sister while we're down there." He extended his hand out to me and pulled me to my feet, "Now, come on and let's do what you came here for."

-x-

As soon as I stepped out of the cab and into the brisk February night air, I wanted to forget about the entire night, get into bed and shut out the world.

Axel was currently helping my little sister, who was a sobbing and moaning mess, onto solid ground. She stumbled slightly in her heels as she held onto Axel's waist and pushed her face into his chest. I nodded toward the sidewalk and Axel took that as his cue to take her inside while I paid the cab driver. Auron was there to hold the door open for the three of us as we stepped into our apartment building.

After Axel passed him with Rikku, he turned a curious eye toward me and merely wished me a good night before going back to his business at the front desk. Rikku started wailing when we got into the elevator and I was growing more irritated by the minute. Where the fuck had Gippal gone? Hadn't he said to me that he was going to look after her for the night? Not only that, what the hell had she been drinking?

"_Roxas_." She groaned, turning hazy green eyes in my direction, "Roxas, Roxaassss. I don't …"

"Rikku, if you throw up in this elevator…" I narrowed my eyes at her and she groaned again and stumbled on her heels, "I'm going to fucking kill that pathetic excuse for a boyfriend you have."

She mumbled something I didn't quite catch as the elevator chimed on our floor. Axel hoisted her up into his arms, not wanting to be bothered with her drunken stumbling as we made our way down the hallway. I unlocked the door and turned to him as he walked by with Rikku moaning in his arms. He set her down on her feet when they neared the couch and helped her sit down.

Rikku swayed on the couch as she tried to lean forward and pull off her heels. Pretty soon she got fed up and took to just shaking her legs and feet to try and get them to come off. Axel sighed and muttered something to her. She stopped moving and tried to focus in on him. Rikku stilled and he pulled the offending shoes off her feet. Next, he rose as she held her arms above her head and removed her jacket. She immediately slumped over onto the couch and groaned into the seats. Soro wandered over in her direction and started to lick at her exposed toes.

"Axel, do me a favor and help her to the bathroom? …I have a feeling she's not quite done throwing up." I set my keys down on the bar.

"…Are you sure we shouldn't take her to the hospital?" He asked, looking at Rikku, "I'm pretty sure someone slipped something into her drink. She shouldn't be acting like this."

I glanced down at my little sister and shook my head, "…She'll be okay. If experience has taught me anything …"

He looked at me questionably and his eyebrows rose in understanding. "Hm, gotcha." He leaned forward and pulled Rikku up slowly by her shoulders so that she was sitting up again. "Come on, little lady. We've got a date with the Porcelain God tonight."

"I don't wannnnaaa." Rikku groaned as Axel hoisted her up into his arms again and headed in the direction of the bathroom. I waited for the two of them to leave before I reached for Rikku's jacket to find her purse buried beneath it. I know, I know, a man should never go through a woman's purse—but this is my sister we're talking about, and I had a reason for it.

I found Rikku's phone and clicked the top of the contraption to turn it on. The screen flickered to life and I slid my finger across the unlock bar. The phone prompted me for a pass code, so I put in her birthday. It unlocked two seconds later. I immediately went to contacts and scrolled down when I found the person I was looking for.

The phone rang for a minute before Paine pick up. "I'm not coming to pick you—"

"Paine?"

It took her a minute to recognize my voice. "…Roxas?" She asked in surprise.

"Yeah. Some things happened tonight. I've got Rikku back at my place for the night and I was just calling to let you know." I replied, barely wincing when I heard the sound of retching coming from down the hall.

"That would probably be for the best." Paine replied, "I don't want to have anything to do with her tonight."

I sank down onto the sofa and sighed as I massaged my forehead with my free hand, "...Did something happen?"

"I'll let her tell you. It isn't my place." Paine stated, "I just want to know that she's with someone responsible and that they're going to look after her for the night. I'm sick of doing it."

"She's…?"

"Talk to her, Roxas." Paine cut me off before I could even question what she meant, "_Talk_ to her. You need to talk to your sister. …Maybe Yuna, too, if you can. I can't be the one to take care of her anymore."

"All right …" I drummed my fingers along the counter, "Thanks, Paine. I'll … let her call you or I'll do so in the morning…"

"Right."

We exchanged goodbyes and I ended the call. I deleted the call from her call log and dropped the phone right back into her purse. I leaned back in the sofa, letting myself sink completely into the seat as my legs slid out in front of me on the floor.

The night had been going fine. Axel had finally gotten me out on the dance floor, Demyx and Zexion were preoccupied doing whatever they were doing and I was finally letting go.

That was, until Gippal told me that he'd lost track of Rikku.

I still don't understand how it was possible, being that he was clearly watching out for her after he took her to the bathroom. Eventually everyone—well, me at least—went into a panic trying to find her. Sooner than later, I found Rikku sitting at the VIP bar and talking to some guy I didn't recognize. She was swaying dangerously on her chair, and I didn't quite appreciate the way the guy was reaching forward to touch her leg.

The minute she saw me, she gave me the most sheepish, drunken smile she could muster. The guy she was with immediately backed away when he saw me and slinked off into whatever shadows he had come from. I took one look at Rikku's drink and glanced over my shoulder at the fading back of the man she had been with. When she reached for it, I took it out of her hands and handed it back to the bartender to dump, despite my sister's protests.

I couldn't have her out in public like this and I didn't trust Gippal to look after her after tonight, so I waited for Axel to return to the VIP area and told him we had to get her back to our place. Demyx and Zexion were going to come back with us, but I told them to stay in the club. This was business that I had to deal with and I wouldn't drag them into it. The mess escalated when Gippal appeared and the two of us got into an argument. Rikku ended up between the two of us and the end result was bringing her back home with me.

And so, this is where we are now.

It was tiring, yes. But, Rikku was my sister. I wasn't going to leave her alone with her less than capable boyfriend. I rose from my seat on the couch and stepped into the hallway just as I heard Rikku yelling at Axel who seemed to be trying to calm her down.

"This wasn't supposed to happen tonight, you know? I just wanted to get out and let loose for a bit … and then I heard from Sora that you guys were supposed to be having a guy's only pre-birthday get together… but, I still thought it'd be nice if I show up and surprise Roxas, right? I could have some fun with my brother and things would …" I heard her heave again and Axel telling her to take it easy, "So, that's why I brought Gippal. I know he and Roxas aren't exactly the best of friends, but he's a guy … so it would have been okay, right?"

"Rikku …"

"I was so stupid and drunk tonight … and now you guys have to take care of me. I'm sorry, Axel. I should have never brought him; I should have never come out. None of this would be happening right now, you guys would still be at the club doing whatever and I … I should have just stayed home tonight." Her voice got muffled as she started retching again.

I rounded the corner and Axel turned around to look up at me, "Rikku, you're going to stay with us tonight."

"But, Roxas …"

"No." I shook my head, "Just listen to me. You're going to stay with us tonight. I talked to Paine and let her know that you were staying with us. In the morning, when you're ready, we can get you a cab and you can go stay with mom for awhile..." Judging from Paine's tone of voice on the phone a few minutes ago, I doubt she wanted to see her anytime soon. ...What happened?

"You talked to Paine?" She asked me, her eyes darkening considerably, "...Did she say anything?"

"Nothing that you need to worry about now." I replied.

Rikku inhaled deeply and sighed, "Going to stay with mom? But, Roxas, she's going to know …"

"Rikku, mom's been through and heard worse." I muttered, walking into the bathroom and kneeling beside her like Axel was, "I'm pretty sure she won't get too mad if you tell her you had a little too much to drink at a club one night."

She looked away from me and sighed in defeat, "You know everyone's going to know about this in the morning … it's going to be everywhere."

"Not necessarily." Axel stated reassuringly, "We got you out of there with minimal damage being done. We don't attract much of a crowd these days as we used to, so I'm sure it was okay."

Rikku looked at me as if for confirmation and I nodded slowly, "Axel's right."

She lowered her gaze and then pushed herself up to standing height with the help of the wall behind her, "…I want to go to sleep."

"Come on, then." I gestured out toward the hallway and Rikku stumbled past me and in the direction I had pointed to. Axel rose from where he had been kneeling beside Rikku and turned to me as if he wanted to say something, "Before you say anything, it's fine. From what part of the night did go smoothly, I enjoyed it." I turned to glance out into the hallway and then turn back to Axel, "...I have to talk to her though."

"Did Paine say anything?" He asked.

"No, but she told me that I needed to talk to Rikku." I replied. "...I'll do it in the morning."

"Hm ..." Axel crossed his arms over his chest and nodded, "...Go check on your sister. I'll be in our room."

"Right."

Axel ruffled my hair gently and walked by to the opposite end of the hallway to our room. I watched him disappear around the corner before turning my attention toward my sister who was waiting for me down the hall. It was time for Rikku to start talking.


	14. Caps Lock

**14; caps lock**

I woke up before the sun had risen. The clock on the night stand read _4:23am_. I hadn't been asleep for long and I doubt I would be getting back to sleep anytime soon. My mind was a wreck, racing with thoughts of last night that I couldn't shake.

I turned to my right to check on Axel—knocked out cold. I sighed, rising from bed and threw the sheets off my body. I heard the jingle of Soro's tags and immediately leaned down and picked her up before she could start whimpering and wake Axel up. I wasn't in the mood for the psychoanalysis right about now. She licked affectionately at my cheek as I made my way out of the bedroom and down the hall to the living room.

I set Soro down on the floor when I neared the kitchen and opened the door to the refrigerator. I canvassed its contents for a moment before pulling a bottle of red wine out of the door. Wine glass in hand, I watched the contents spill into the glass in the dim light of the overhead kitchen light. I set the bottle down along with my glass and looked at the space between the two of them, honing in on the granite countertops before me.

Why was everyone looking to me to hold things together? I can barely hold myself together half of the time, why the hell did I have to look after everyone else in the process? Was this compensation for years of abuse? What the fuck did everyone want for me? I don't have the answers to everything … to every little problem that comes our way.

Oh, Roxas, you _understand_ people. You _understand_ what it's like. You know where I'm coming from, right? Roxas, I always feel like I can talk to you because you never judge me. I can't trust anyone else to give me the answers that you'll give me.

First they abhor me, now they adore me. Shower me with ardor that's gone missing in these last six or seven years? And what am I supposed to do? Willingly accept it? Tell everyone that it's okay. That this makes up for all the distance that was put between all of us?

I don't hate my family. That's far from it. Perhaps … I often consider myself distant from all of them. Not like them, nor caring to extend a hand and reach out to them … but I don't hate them. I just … I just don't know how to deal with them. Most of the time, I _don't_ want to deal with them. I've gone through so much with my mother in the last few weeks … helping her readjust to life with my father, letting her stay with Axel and I … helping her find her own place. Just supporting her and giving her so much of myself to make sure she's okay.

And then there's Cloud ... with the twins … and now his engagement to Tifa. That's bound to be a whole new round of stress that I'll most likely try and opt out of. At the very least, there hasn't been too much happening with Sora that I've been dragged into or have to worry about. And … finally … there's Rikku. The one person that's been on everyone's mind since her abrupt departure from London.

My sister …I don't know what was going on with my sister. I … could see what Sora had been talking about. The little quirks here and there. My little sister isn't exactly the definition of normal per se, but Rikku definitely wasn't herself. We'd talked about her feelings on the lack of direction in her life before. Wasn't that enough? Couldn't she figure things out by herself like the rest of us had to? I wasn't opposed to helping Rikku if she truly needed it, but I wasn't going to coddle her like the rest of my family. I suppose … I should be the last person to say these things, with regard to how much I screwed up in my teens. But, perhaps, I'm bitter right now. This whole thing has left an unappealing taste in my mouth that I want to get rid of. Now.

…Is this what it feels like to be on the other side?

I took a sip out of my wine glass and closed my eyes for a minute to hone in on the sounds of the apartment. The gentle hum of the refrigerator at my side, Soro licking in places I don't want to mention at my feet. The rush of the cold, February air pushing against the windows of our apartment. Just as the silence was beginning to hurt my ears, that's when I picked up on the sound of loud crinkling … and someone retching up their guts.

Rikku.

I sighed, emptying my second glass of wine and turned around to head to the guest room once again. The door to the guest room was open, but the door to the bathroom was closed and I could see light filtering out of the bottom. I paused, hearing my sister sobbing from the other side of the door and then knocked twice.

"Rikku."

Silence.

I sighed, knocking on the door again, "Rikku, if you're sick you need to let me in."

I heard heavy breathing on the other end. What in the world was she doing? She cleared her throat and I heard more crinkling, "I'm fine, Roxas. Go to sleep."

I heard her coughing and dry heaving. I grasped the knob of the door and turned it a couple of times. It was locked. I knocked on the door again and crossed my arms over my chest. "Rikku."

"I said I'm _fucking_ fine, Roxas! God, go back to sleep!"

I went silent for a minute and then narrowed my eyes at the door. All right then, if she wanted it this way. I stepped away from the door and uncrossed my arms from over my chest. I leaned against the wall across from the bathroom and looked up at the ceiling. I wasn't going anywhere.

She was silent for a minute and I heard more of that crinkling followed by a crunching sound. Was that plastic? …Did she have food with her? Rikku coughed and heaved one last time before I heard the sound of rushing water and finally she exited the bathroom.

I caught sight of her in the dim light of the bathroom. Her mascara was smeared across her cheeks and her skin looked as if it had taken on a grayish pallor. Her bag was dangling loosely from one limp arm and she threw a soiled tissue back into its messy confines. Her blonde hair had been pulled away from her face and was currently resting in a messy bun high on top her head. She looked a bit startled when she finally focused in on me in the darkness.

"I thought I told you to go back to sleep."

I took in her haggard appearance and sighed deeply, "I guess it's ... true then, isn't it?"

"What?" She asked, sniffing and readjusting her bag.

I shook my head, "Rikku …how long has this been going on?"

"Nothing's wrong, go back to sleep." She made a move to walk away from the bathroom door.

"Then explain to me why you were just throwing up right now?"

"Because I'm still fucking drunk—_God_, Roxas. What is this? Can you stop with all the inquisitions? Or, really, accusations?" She turned around to stare at me, her green eyes wild and questioning, "I just want to go back to sleep. Can I do that at least? This night has already been enough of a disaster already. I don't need any more added stress from you, you know?"

"Paine said I needed to talk to you."

Her demeanor eventually changed and she narrowed her eyes in suspicion at me, "Oh, did she?"

"Yeah. And, possibly Yuna if it came to it." I crossed my arms over my chest and cocked my head slightly to the side, "Now … care to explain why?"

"Nothing is wrong, Roxas. Would you drop it already?" She dropped her bag to the floor as her voice escalated, "We had a fight tonight, okay? That's what happens with friends. Sometimes you have disagreements and you resolve them when the time is right. There's no reason to talk to me about anything. Everything is fine as it's always been." I heard the break in her voice as she bent down to pick her bag up from the floor. I watched my sister with a bit of detachment for a minute. This was different.

I'd been in this position. Years ago, I'd been in a place like this. Trying to hold everything together when it felt so wrong … but my break down was so different. Less contained, more raw in some respects.

"…No." I began, uncrossing my arms and shaking my head, "Something tells me it's more than just a little discrepancy between friends. In the fifteen years that you've known, Paine, I've never heard her speak about you on the phone as she did tonight. Something is going on, and whatever it is needs to come out. Now."

"You know …" Rikku lowered her eyes from me and shook her head, "Out of all of the people in my life, I thought you'd understand the most, Roxas… I thought …"

"You thought, what, Rikku?"

She looked at me, throwing her bag to the side and fell back from the crouching stance she had assumed near the wall. Soro wandered over to her and whined a little as she proceeded to lick my sister's arm. She curled up beside Rikku who had started to shake at this point. She drew her legs up to her chest and buried her face into the gap between her knees.

"Rikku."

"You know it's not easy, Roxas. You know, out of all people." She murmured, sniffing pathetically. "You know what it's like. You know it's not easy to hide things, to pretend like you have it all together."

"I never pretended, Rikku." I shook my head, "I regressed into myself."

"That's not the point, Roxas. The thing is … you know what it's … it's like to have things that are wrong with you that you can't fix. Or … that you try to hide from others. That you don't care for other people to see or know about. Sure, you may not have come out to everyone and said those things … we never knew what was going on in your head ..." She inhaled deeply and continued, "People still … well … people still found out."

"Rikku."

"But, for me… I don't want anyone to know. Or I didn't want anyone to know. It started with Gippal … and then … Paine … then Yuna … and they all … they all want me to get help, but I don't know if I can. I don't want to." She finally looked up at me, "…And then … mom and dad were just straw that broke the camel's back …"

"You're still not making any sense to me."

"When I left for London … nearly three years ago, everything was perfect. You were healthy, mom and dad were working things out, Sora was doing well with his restaurant and Riku and … Cloud … was Cloud still with Leon back then? Whatever, it doesn't matter. …I had just broken up with Gippal that spring and I was … so to speak, a _free woman_. Yunie was with me in London to keep an eye on me, I had gotten into modeling and Style had just picked me up for my own reality show. ...Everything was going fine. Everything was great, you know?" She frowned, "…I … I just had an unhealthy way of coping with stress."

"…Which was?" I had gotten sick of towering over her, so I sat beside her with my back to the wall. Soro was squished between the two of us.

"They say I'm like you in a lot of ways, bro." She said, glancing at me briefly, "…I started self medicating. I starting smoking cigarettes. Which isn't too bad. I mean, legally I can, right? Anyway … I … work in the fashion world, Roxas. You … know what comes with the territory."

Rikku refused to meet my eyes, "…An eating disorder?"

"It … never got that bad." She said, fiddling with the edge of her dress, "…I really don't want to talk about it that much… but … I didn't eat … properly for a bit. Yunie found out and she helped me through some of the rough patches. I just … I missed home so much at times … and I felt like there was all this pressure on me to succeed. I didn't want to let myself down so I kept it buried inside until I just broke and it came out in some destructive form."

"…Then what happened?"

"I … lost quite a bit of weight. ...At least twenty pounds. But, I managed to cover it up. The tabloids never really caught on, miraculously. Well, there was a bit of speculation, but once my weight stabilized and I stopped what I was doing … things never progressed further than that. A year went by … and Yunie eventually left because she had to go back to school. So … I was alone again." She clenched her hands together, "I … started doing something different this time."

"…And that was?"

"Purging." She shook her head, "Before, I used to restrict my intake … and smoke cigarettes constantly, too. But the stress … it got worse and I needed to do something else. I …had a little stint with drugs, too. Just … coke. Nothing more. Anything to keep me distracted from the loneliness I tried to keep at bay." She shook her head, "…This all started sometime after I finished my first line for _Godhand_ and you guys came out to see me show. ...I couldn't do it anymore. I had so many people around me telling me one thing … while I was feeling another. I was ratings gold for Style. …And I had so much success… but I was so empty on the inside."

"…I suppose this is the part where I'm supposed to overact and ask you why you never came to any of us and talked to us about this … but I know how it is, Rikku." I sighed, resting my head against the wall behind us. "…Go on."

"…Last year... that was when things began to buildup really badly. I had to come back home. I don't know how much longer I would have lasted in Europe without fully breaking down. I called up Gippal out of desperation. I didn't know what else to do. I needed someone who knew me, but wasn't necessarily family. He … he knows what's been going on with me … and he told me I needed to come back here. I needed to come back to a place where there was stability, but …"

"But?"

She looked back at me, tears threatening to flow out of her eyes, "It's as fucked up here as it is anywhere else! The one place, the _one_ place that's not supposed to be like the rest of the outside world isn't safe, either. I've got nowhere to go, Roxas. Everything … everywhere I go. Every place that surrounds me is fucked up right now and I can't do anything to fix it. I can't stop anything from spiraling out of control! Why the fuck does it have to be like this, Roxas? Why can't everything go back to the way it used to be?"

"…You know, Rikku …" I began, closing my eyes, "I used to ask myself the same question when Hayner died. Why this? Why that? Why does everything … everyone … why do they all have to be so cruel? Why was the one thing in my life that provided some semblance of equilibrium taken away from me? Why me? Why not someone else? Why did I have to suffer? What the fuck type of vendetta did the world have against me that I had to go through all of this and suffer alone?"

"Yeah, and….?"

I turned to her, "I stopped."

"You stopped what?"

"I stopped looking for the answers because there were none." I frowned, "At least … not out there in the world, there weren't. It happened because it did and I had to accept it. The choices that I made … that we made on that night added up and landed me where I am today." I turned to her, "Here, with Axel … back in school … away from the things that caused me stress. I stopped pitying myself, stopped trying to return to the person that I used to be. I turned away from all of that. I was sick of all the drugs, the pill popping, the failed suicide attempts, the therapy and the general stigma of being some perpetual fuck up that could never get his act together."

"…I never saw you in that way, Roxas…"

"…That doesn't matter. It was how I saw myself. How I internalized my failures... how I thought little of what progress I might have been making or made. …Rikku, I'm sure you've heard stories but you don't know the full extent to why I am the way I am, do you?"

"…Well … there was …"

"We'll start at the beginning." I readjusted myself, crossing my legs out in front of me and sighed. "When we were kids, our father's business partner, Xemnas, molested me. …I'll spare you the details, but it's enough for you to know that much. Mom …found out and there were a bunch of under the table deals regarding me and going to the authorities, but it eventually sorted itself out and they put me into therapy with Ansem."

"Roxas …"

"Let me finish." I said, holding a hand out to stop her from talking, "I was in therapy until middle school when they thought I had repressed whatever abuse I had suffered through. This was around the time when I met Hayner for the first time. …In the beginning, he was someone I looked up to. Eventually, ours was a relationship that progressed into something else, you could say. Nevertheless, there were drugs … a lot of them. From the age of fourteen on, that was all I cared about. Hayner, drugs and the sick, unrealistic reality that we had created together. It wasn't healthy … but it was what I knew at the moment. He gave me something … that I won't forget. The first real feeling that someone actually cared about what happened to me."

"…And then …didn't he …?"

"He overdosed and that brought me right back to where I had been after Xemnas had been subtracted from the equation. Mom and dad sent me to rehab out in Arizona. No one wanted to be bothered with me or see me …"

"That's not true, Roxas. Me and Sora worried a whole lot about you when you were gone … but daddy … he …"

"…Didn't want any of you to have anything to do with me. I know, Rikku." I sighed, "Either way, after I spent the summer out there, I was even more fucked up when I came back to New York. I went to live with Cloud because he was fed up with our family as it was. Essentially, we were both outcasts from the family at the time."

"It was because of Squall … I mean …_Leon_." Rikku said, "…It was always because of Leon. Daddy found out …"

"Hm." I shrugged, "Either way, it was his turn to help me. He couldn't get in touch with Ansem because he was out of the country in those years … so he found another therapist. Saïx. All he was good for was doping me up to the point where I wasn't sure if I was dead or alive. My reality was already warped enough; I didn't need anything else to fuck it up. So, following that was my first suicide attempt. I was so sick of everything, I wanted out. Just as you had said? You were lonely and confused? Well, I was beyond that, Rikku. I was at the point where I could barely tell where I was anymore … or what I was doing. My mind was a battleground and I couldn't tell which side was winning."

"…Didn't … didn't you …"

"Slit my wrists." I rubbed at one of the scars on my left wrist and shook my head, "A year later, I was living with Sora. Cloud had to move out to California for awhile and Sora picked me up as soon as Cloud had left. No one wanted to leave me by myself back then. I was fine living with Sora for awhile … but then two years later on Hayner's birthday … I almost succeeded in killing myself again. But, I guess fate had other plans." I turned to look at her, "…And we all know what happened after that."

"So … what are you trying to tell me?"

"I let the circumstances of my past define me for too long." I replied, "I let the failures of the past dictate my future. I never thought to lay them to rest. I was too caught up in what I could have done and what I didn't do. My regrets, the lies, the pain and all that had blinded me … I was caught up in all of it, Rikku. My guilt … my guilt was so strong. Everything always appeared to be my fault; there was no changing what was already written in stone." I shook my head, "But … you learn with time, that that isn't the case."

"I … I don't feel like that, Roxas. I just want everything to stop spinning so badly out of control. I want to have back the life that I left here with. I was to be confident again, I don't want to stand around questioning if every move I make is the right one. I don't want to live my life like this. So stressed, depending on unhealthy manners of coping…" She sighed, trying to catch her breath, "I'm … I'm afraid. I'm afraid that it'll always be like this."

"It won't." I replied, rolling my eyes and laughing to myself, "If anything … I've learned that how I play the hand I'm dealt is completely my choice. Just ask the red headed menace sleeping in the room down the hallway. Rikku, you can't get stuck at this point in your life. You made the choice to go to England because that was something you wanted to do, and you weren't sticking around to waste time on getting it started."

"…I just … I don't want to do this anymore."

"Were you throwing up from alcohol … " I began, "…Or something else before?"

"...I …was …" She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes. Her hands instantly flew to her eyes and she began shaking her head as she fought to get the words out, "I don't want to live the rest of my life suffering from this, acting out like this. Recently, the tabloids have started catching on. Back in England, they were reporting on how much I was going out … saying I was a mess … saying all these things that I was trying to keep hidden…but they kept hitting the nail on the head and …"

"You can't get caught up in that stuff, Rikku."

"How do you do it, Roxas?"

I shrugged, "I don't have time to waste on that stuff." I looked pointedly at her, "And you shouldn't either."

She sighed heavily, "You asked me earlier why Paine and I were fighting, correct?" She asked.

"Yes."

"…She … said she was going to tell someone. She … caught on. When I came back from England, I was at one of my lowest weights, Roxas. Don't think I didn't hear the comments. I knew you were all concerned but … I put it out of my mind and tried not to worry about it." She shrugged her shoulders, "She's …been on my case ever since. And tonight … we got into a huge fight over everything. I had nowhere else to go … I didn't wanna bother any of you because I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want to be around Paine, so I was looking for some way to get out. But, then I remembered Sora saying you were going out … you know, a guys night out kind of thing. And, so, I knew it was a far stretch … but I just needed to get out and away from the situation." She turned to me, "That's why I came to you tonight. I just wanted to be around someone … someone who understands what it's like when the whole world closes in on you and you don't know what to do. I wanted to talk to you about it … but you seemed so preoccupied tonight … distant … that I didn't know if I should have …"

"What do you mean?"

"You looked sad tonight." Rikku replied, "…Or …like you were remembering something that you didn't want to. I … didn't want to add to any more stress that you might have had, so I kept to myself …with Gippal for most of the night so I didn't bother you."

"It wasn't …" I sighed, "I was just a bit distracted by the atmosphere of the club. It just brought me back a few years. That's all."

"Oh." She replied, folding her hands in her lap. She had stuck out her legs sometime during our conversation, "So …that's it."

"Hm?"

"That's … all of it." She looked at me, "…I, what am I supposed to do now? …"

"I understand." I replied. I got to my feet and reached out my hand. She grasped it and allowed me to pull her up. "…I think you need to sleep. You've had a rough night… and that would be the best thing for you right now."

She nodded in understanding as I reached down for her bag and handed it to her. She thanked me and let it fall down to the juncture of her elbow. Rikku tucked a bit of her hair behind her hair and then looked up at me with wide green eyes, "What about mom? And … where am I going to go tomorrow?"

"We'll figure all of that out in the morning." I replied, sighing deeply. "I …won't push you to do anything you're not ready for just yet. But … but, I'll make sure you get through this. I won't leave you alone in this, Rikku."

She lowered her head for a minute and I thought she was going to start crying again. I was caught slightly off guard when she latched onto me and gave me the tightest hug she could muster. I thought I heard one of my ribs snapping in half. "…Roxas…" She began, her voice shaking. I knew she had started crying already when I felt the front of my white t-shirt getting wet, "…Thank you. _Thank you_, so much. You don't know …"

I patted her on top of her head and that only seemed to provoke her to squeeze me even more, "Rikku, easy."

She shook her head, "You don't know, Roxas. You _don't_ know."

I rested my chin on top of her head and let her cry into my chest until she got all of it out. I didn't say anything, but I knew what she was trying to tell me. The thing of it was, I did know. I knew what it was like to feel as if you had no one in your corner.

I knew the emptiness, the feelings of loneliness. The guilt, pain and suffering. To know the feeling that there was something wrong with you. But, you had no idea what it was or how the hell you were going to fix it. I knew what it was like to be at your wit's end, so disassociated from the world that you no longer knew if it was night or day.

The sky turns upside down, presses at your feet and sends you tumbling into a free fall for which there is no landing. You try to breathe but you find there is a burning in your core, a heavy weight that you try to exhale. Your tongue turns acidic and melts back into your throat; just as the bile rises and begins to choke you. You hope to vomit out this weight, try to purge it from your system in some way.

But, that salvation never comes.

It is the endless struggle that you must endure. You become a shell, remembering yourself for what and who you used to be. You find a false sense of control as you try to find some way out of the personal hell you've built for yourself. Silently suffering and you implode.

I didn't want my sister to have to go through this. It could be said that she would learn from this experience. That she would come away from this as a stronger person like I had, but we're not built the same. I knew Rikku was too far enmeshed in her mania at this point, but, it was time to bring her out of it.

And, as things would see it, I would be the one who would begin that process.


	15. Baby Says

**15; baby says**

Rikku was up before I was the next morning.

She had asked me—(begged me would the more accurate term)—to stay and sleep in the guest room with her that night. Even when I said I'd let Soro stay with her, she merely shook her head and pleaded with me to stay. She didn't want to be alone.

Seeing that she wasn't going to let up, I went to go get some extra blankets and a comforter from the linen closet down the hall. I still had no idea where the hell the old aerobed was, so I'd be sleeping on the floor tonight. Not that it mattered much; I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep tonight to begin with.

Either way, I found her in the kitchen with Axel that morning. Soro was currently snuggled up in her arms and she had a blanket draped over her shoulders. Axel was standing on the opposite side of the bar with his elbows propped on top of its surface. There was a glass of orange juice and a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of Rikku. A stack of pancakes sat on a plate near the stove. It looked like he was trying to get her to eat something, but Rikku was being less than cooperative at the moment.

"It'll just upset my stomach again." Rikku protested as she began scratching behind Soro's ears.

"It might." Axel replied as he crossed his arms over his chest, "Then again, it might not. You need something in your system besides that barrel of alcohol you downed last night."

"Did Roxas put you up to this?" Rikku asked, frowning slightly.

"He's still sleeping, isn't he? I haven't seen him since he upped and left in the middle of the night to take care of you." Axel stated. He pushed the plate closer to Rikku's side of the bar, "I know your head probably wants to split in two and the nausea you feel is through the roof right now. But, I promise that after you eat this you can go right back to sleep, Rikku."

"Axel—"

"Do as he says, Rikku." I interrupted their banter as I walked into the kitchen area.

She looked at me and then down at the floor, "Roxas." Axel couldn't pick it up, but I know she was pleading with me. _Don't make me eat this._

"I know." I replied, eyeing Axel quickly as if to silently tell him I would fill him in on everything later, "But, Axel is right. And no matter how much you don't want to, I'm going to need you to eat right now."

Rikku huffed at me in defiance and turned around so that her back was toward the two of us. I, however, remained silent. I wasn't going to give into one of her temper tantrums.

Axel began scratching the back of his head and then cleared his throat to get our attention. "I'm … going to leave the two of you alone. This seems like … one of those weird brother and sister moments that I want to stay out of, so …" He pointed behind him, "…I'll be in the living room. Oh, and the stack of pancakes if for you, Thumbelina."

"Thanks." I muttered as he walked by me and Rikku.

"Thumbelina?" Rikku questioned, looking over her shoulder at me.

I walked around to the other side of the bar where Axel had been previously standing, "An abhorrent nickname." I noted dully, "But, don't change the subject, Rikku."

"I don't want to eat now, Roxas." Rikku protested, "You said last night that you wouldn't force me into anything, remember?"

"Not when it's something you need."

She rested a hand on top of Soro's head, "I don't need _that_."

I sighed, pushing the plate of pancakes Axel had made to the side Rikku was sitting on. "Are you like this with Paine?"

I seemed to have caught her off guard, because she quickly turned away from me, "Do you have to bring her up?"

I sighed as I began cutting my stack of pancakes. Maybe I was approaching this the wrong way. I already knew that Rikku wasn't going to relinquish her control on the situation. But it's not to say that I couldn't overpower her decision. "…Rikku?"

"What?"

I glanced down at the plate of toast and eggs that she had pushed away from her. "…Is it that you don't want to eat because you're not hungry? Or is it … for those other reasons?"

She glanced up at me and then began running a hand through Soro's fur again, "A mixture of both. Pressure from you and Axel isn't going to help in any way." Rikku said, turning back to look at me. "I thought you said what we talked about last night was going to stay between the two of us, Roxas. You gave me your word."

"Rikku, I haven't talked to Axel about anything." I assured her, lowering my voice. "When would I have had a chance to talk to him without you knowing?"

"Why was he so adamant about getting me to eat earlier then?"

I sighed in aggravation and frowned, "Oh, I don't know, Rikku. Maybe because you were absolutely wasted to the point where he was ready to take you to the hospital if need be? Because by now, he probably considers you to be something akin to the little sister that he never had? Because he knows how important you are to me, so why wouldn't he feel the same?"

Rikku sighed, "I'm sorry," She murmured, "…I'm just stressed. My mind is all fogged up and I can't think straight at all."

"Everyone isn't out to get you, Rikku. That's something that you have to learn."

"Are those the brotherly words of wisdom you have to impart to me, Roxas?" She asked, a playful smirk coming to her lips.

"…"

"Oh, come on, Roxas. I was kidding." She scratched underneath Soro's chin and then swiveled around in her chair, "So …are you going to sit here and watch me eat?"

"No," I replied, "And I suppose I can't force you either. But, would you at least drink the orange juice? You can have the toast and eggs later."

She shrugged her shoulders, "…I suppose." Rikku reached for the glass on the table before swiveling back around and faced the window, "…It's snowing."

I looked up from my pancakes and turned to look out the window. She was fixated on the white flakes fluttering against the window panes, "Yeah …"

"Roxas?"

"Yes?"

"Can you tell me what it was like?" Rikku turned around to face me again. She readjusted Soro in her lap, "…All those years ago? With you … and Hayner and all of your friends?"

I raised an eyebrow at her, "What do you want to know for?"

"…Maybe it can help me to try and make sense of things." Rikku replied.

"Rikku, there's not that much to tell." I stated, "And I'd rather not get into that sort of conversation right now … but there's something I guess I can tell you …" I shook my head and cleared my throat, "…Back then, we didn't know what we were doing. You always hear people telling you things … don't do this, stay in line, keep up with that. You're always … you're always told to focus on something that doesn't really correspond to who you are. The four of us were just …lost and caught up in things that we didn't understand."

"…You're saying that you were basically disobeying mom and dad and doing whatever you wanted, then?"

"Primarily, yes." I said. "We never thought of it as hurting anyone. Not even ourselves back then. And back then, I was looking for another outlet. I stopped going to therapy with Ansem and … Hayner was there to fill the gap that was left behind. Rikku, we were just looking for something to occupy a niche in our lives that we couldn't fill. It was destructive … and somehow … not so different from what you're experiencing now."

"But there has to be something else, right? Some big picture that I'm missing?"

I shook my head, "We put finite little crystallized candy up our noses, smoked whatever we had in various forms … maybe someone shot up once or twice. All to numb the gnawing sensation in our guts and minds that this is all there is to our lives." I replied, "…All those parties with the nameless faces, hands groping mindlessly in a haste to get the next hit. It's all fun and games until someone's cracked their skull doing something stupid, or someone's passed out in the bath tub … are they dead? Who's to know, who's to say."

"You're scaring me a little, Roxas …"

"…But that's what it was. You lose all concept of time and matter. Everything becomes intangible. You're sitting in this warped type of limbo where you can't focus on where the lines should be drawn. You'll wake up in the morning and you'll struggle to remember what happened that night. Who poured the last shot down your throat, did you contract anything deadly? You don't know who's clean, who's carrying what. Yeah, you can say we're all little spoiled rich kids with nothing to worry about or fear, but disease doesn't discriminate, Rikku. I know that first hand."

"…But you weren't like that, were you? I mean, you weren't that bad? You never did … you never did the _hard_ stuff, right?"

I saw her pick up a piece of her toast and started to nibble on it in an absent minded manner. Maybe she just needed distraction, "Marijuana, cocaine, speed, ecstasy, acid, psilocybin …" I caught the look she was giving me, "Shrooms." I clarified, "I never touched anything else. You couldn't get me to touch anything else. I might have gone along with a lot of stupid shit, Rikku, but I had my limits. We all did … except Hayner."

"I know how that story goes, Roxas … you don't have to tell me again." She took a sip of her orange juice, seemingly trying to bury her discomfort. No, Rikku asked and she wasn't going to get a clipped version of this story.

"Hayner thought he was invincible and now he's six feet under where no one can reach him." I said as I began to cut my pancakes into smaller pieces, "He liked mixing drugs … always did. And none of us ever questioned him because we were all concerned with getting our fixes for our drug of choice. No one said anything. No one intervened. We were lost in denial, drunk on the filthy audacity of adolescence …" I turned to face her, "It took me a long time to reconcile my guilt, Rikku, because I was there when he died. I was there and I said to myself for the longest time, there was nothing that I could do to save him."

"…Roxas."

"…And you know what, Rikku?"

"Yes?"

"…I'll be damned if I let something like that happen to someone I care about again."

-x-

"…Are you sure you should be doing this?" Axel was poised at the doorway of our bedroom with his arms crossed over his chest. He glanced behind him and then turned to me again, "I mean, have you thought this through, Roxas?"

"I can't do this for her alone." I said, "…She's going to need help. She's going to need all of us coming together to help her as a family, Axel. I can't do this by myself."

"Yeah, well … she has you. I know you're going to stay in her corner." He leaned off the doorway and closed the door behind him as he began walking over to me.

"Paine made it clear that this isn't her problem anymore. I know she'll come around to help once Rikku really makes the effort. But for now, she's going to keep her distance. Yuna is obviously down to help Rikku in any way … Gippal …" I grimaced, "We can leave that idiot out of this one. He already proved how useless he is last night."

"Rikku might want him there."

"I don't care."

Axel sighed, "All right, all right. Your mother?"

"She doesn't need the added stress …" I started, "… But there's no question about what she would do for her children."

"Sora and Cloud."

"…I'll have to talk to those two." I said, "…The three of us will have to sit down and talk together, actually."

"And last …"

I glanced toward the phone, "My father."

"Doesn't Rikku talk to him?"

I shook my head, "Not since the divorce. She's been keeping her distance from everyone but my mother."

"Why?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "She's still having issues with processing all of this. Not only that, he's really done nothing to reach out to her and talk about it." I turned to look up at Axel.

"Out of all your siblings, doesn't Rikku have the best relationship with both of your parents?" Axel asked, "Hm, Rox …I'm starting to see how all of this is falling into place …"

"She's always had an idealized vision of her family. Her mother and father were always supposed to remain happily married. Her brothers, always there to protect her when things got to be too rough. Not to say that Rikku isn't capable of looking after herself, but she needs guidance. …She hides her uncertainties from everyone and anyone." I grimaced, "Seeing the fractured state of her family is like throwing fresh wood onto the embers of a dying fire, dousing it in kerosene and throwing hundreds of lit matches into the mess."

"…Just burning up everything into one huge explosive mess." Axel mused.

"Exactly. As a female, she's seeing our father as an enemy. She's clutching onto my mother's guidance as she tries to seek answers to this sudden feeling of abandonment she's been experiencing." I said, "He won't approach her about anything. He'll wait for her to come to him. He's always been like that … it's how he controls us all."

"…And aren't you about to call him, Roxas?" Axel asked, "What is that going to do? You haven't spoken to him since your mother had you and your siblings come up to the house when they made the announcement. Are you sure you're okay with doing this? With talking to him?"

"…Let me pose you a question, Axel."

"Shoot."

I knew I was probably overstepping the boundaries on this one, but I had to get my point across, "Consider Lea being the only family you had left in the world. She was the only one that could help you. You don't have Demyx and Zexion anymore. Nor Reno, Lena or me for that matter. There is no one left in this world that you can depend on and she's the only one that can bring things back to normal. …Do you call her?"

"Rox—"

"Answer me, Axel." I cut him off, "My sister is struggling with something that I know only too well. But we're different. I had you to help me through my final moments of perpetual fuck ups. She doesn't have something like that … so she needs to find stability in the one place that she always found it before. She needs her family … "

"But that woman _isn't_ my family, Roxas."

"…Sometimes shared blood equates to very little in our minds, I know. But at one time in your life… at an early point that you can no longer recollect, she protected you. She made sure you were safe." I said, "…Just like at one point in time… my father was there to protect Rikku."

Axel grew silent. I didn't want to think of the nerve that I might have hit with what I just said to him. But I had to make him understand. This wasn't for me, this was for Rikku. I had gone through enough suffering in my life; I didn't want her to experience the same. I was going to make sure everyone was there for her when they were never there for me.

"…Do what you have to do, Roxas." Axel finally said, rising from the bed and walking over to the door. There was a tinge of bitterness underlying his mannerisms, "I just hope you'll be able to deal with the consequences in the end."

He left me alone in the room and I turned my attention to the phone. I'd deal with him later. For now, it was time to turn my focus to my father. I picked up the phone, pressed in a few numbers and waited for it to ring. A woman picked up on the third ring, "Ardenwell Corporations, desk of Teier Ardenwell. Please state your full name and manner of business, please."

"…Roxas Ardenwell … " I began. I heard a slight intake in air on the other line, "I'd like to speak with my father, please."

-x-

The morning of my twenty third birthday, I woke up alone.

Not surprising. Axel had another meeting with his label that morning and he said he would be gone for most of the day. But, he would be sure to check in with me throughout the day. And if anything, I'd surely see him for the joint birthday dinner Sora and I had planned for the night.

Then why couldn't I shake the worry that had come over me the minute I opened my eyes? Maybe I'd stepped out of bounds with him last night. I knew I had to some degree. It was an unspoken sort of thing … but Lea was never a topic that he wanted to discuss. It remained off limits no matter how many times I had tried to get him to talk about it. Either way, Axel wasn't my focus for the day. I called him before I left and we exchanged a few short words before I was out the door to class.

Rikku was still staying with Axel and I since the night she'd come home with us from the club. I wouldn't say she was doing better. I often found her lying around the house with an unfocused expression on her face all the time. But she kept Soro around her, so that was okay. She was thinking, over analyzing way too much and she couldn't keep the thoughts at bay. I knew that expression, I had worn it too well three or four years ago.

I met up with Sora and Cloud immediately after class had ended and told them what was going on with Rikku. Sora was at a loss for words at first, but immediately jumped on the idea that I proposed to both of them. Cloud was a bit more reserved, asking me if it was wise that I got our father involved in all of this. I had to remind him that she was our little sister, the baby of the family. If anyone needed her entire family there, it would be Rikku.

My mother was the last person that I had to talk to. She met with Sora, Cloud and I later on before it was time for dinner. She was overwhelmed at first when I told her what was going on and I saw the concern in her eyes when I mentioned my father, but she did as I expected. She would lie aside whatever differences the two of them had for Rikku. My sister had to see that she could depend on us again no matter how far we were pulled apart.

By time we wrapped things up, I had to go back home to meet up with Axel and get ready for tonight. Things between the two of us were still a little off, but he seemed less stoic from last night. I would have to worry about him later; it was time that I took care of things with Rikku, first. She was already ready and dolled up before I even stepped into the house. Like nothing was wrong …

…This family is infamous for keeping up appearances and façades.

We were eating out at some high end restaurant on the Upper East Side. Just like old times. Then again, this was Sora's pick. Not mine. My mother was already waiting there with Cloud and Tifa when Axel, Rikku and I arrived. Sora and Riku arrived directly after us. Once we were all gathered, they sat us down in a private room on an upper level of the restaurant that overlooked Park Avenue. Dinner carried on as it would have normally did. There was the exchanging of conversation and a festive air lingered about the room as the night progressed.

…And then, towards the end of dinner, my father arrived.


	16. Explain It To Me

**16; explain it to me**

_The silence of the city at night will murder your soul._

_Yes, you can still see the moronic yellow taxes speeding up and down avenues and across streets as they try to find their latest fare. The drunken babbling of bums and homeless people as they stumble to and fro in the darkness. The faces of the young and old, meshing together in a conglomeration with the fading glow of the city lights on their skin. Idle banter and laugher._

_But, you're alone. You're so alone as you're stuck pacing these grimy concrete streets. The sound of your footsteps drowned in the cacophony of sound. You have a destination, yes. You have a thought in mind as to where you'd like to go. But you can't stop wondering what you're doing in this city. Why are you here? What are you doing? Just biding your time until the next big thing comes along. You want to find your ticket out of this hellhole. You want to pack up and leave. Because you've never felt as cold and alone as you do now. A hypothermic sickness working its way under your skin and into your veins._

_So you keep walking, keep pacing and somehow, you get lost. You've become so disconnected from this massive concrete jungle, that you don't even know where you are anymore. You think you know, you think you can find your way out. But, you can't. So you fight, and you gnash your teeth in clear desperation so that the city doesn't swallow you whole. You pray with your last remaining breath that you find some way out of this mess. That it doesn't destroy you, that you're able to take one more step before your world goes astray._

_The noise becomes too loud. Screeching in your ears, like heavy metal scrapping itself against the guard rail wrapped around a scenic mountain road. You are swimming in your own blurry vision, reaching out to find if something is there. The pounding in your ears becomes too much, and your senses become overridden by the sounds of desperation. Your voice is breaking with sheer desperation as you plead for it to stop. You didn't want it this way; you didn't think it would turn out this way. And then it snaps and you fall apart._

_Daylight won't break for another seven hours, so you force your heart to stop._

-x-

Rikku immediately rose from her seat, almost knocking it over in the process. Her eyes instantly lit up and she all but dashed her way over to the door and enveloped my father in a bone crushing hug. He carefully patted her head and murmured something to her under his breath. She smiled and took hold of his hand and led him over to the table. Just as she was going to get him to sit, he held out a hand and halted her from doing anything further.

"Rikku. Please sit."

"...Aren't you going to sit, too?"

"Rikku," My mother interjected, placing a hand over Rikku's so that my sister was looking at her, "Please, sit down."

My father placed a hand on her other shoulder reassuringly before regarding everyone else in the room. The atmosphere was tense, but… this had to be done.

"You are all looking well, tonight…" My father began, looking around the table at all of us. He stopped with me, "Congratulations on another year of prosperity to the two of you, Roxas and Sora."

Sora smiled slightly in thanks. I nodded in confirmation to what he had just said. He was breaching the main topic of the night slowly, I surmise. He would probably try and ease his way into it and then turn the floor over to me.

"Cloud … Sabel." He turned to my eldest brother and then lingered for a moment on my mother. He eventually turned his attention back to me, "I apologize for not being here earlier, but there were some matters that I had to attend to. Either way, Roxas …"

"Yes."

"You understand that we do not have time to waste on this matter."

I could see the realization dawning on Rikku's face.

"No. No, Roxas, you _didn't._" Rikku seethed, springing out of her seat and planting her hands firmly on the table, "This can't… you can't …"

"Rikku. Please."

"It's your _birthday_, Roxas! You and Sora's birthday and you'd do something like this?"

"I agreed to it, Rikku." Sora said, "We all agreed to this."

"Ever since you came back from London you've been distant with us all, hon." My mother had her attention now, "…I've been wondering what could be the cause of it all … what happened? What could I do? Rikku. Rikku, _please_, don't be angry with your brother…"

"I have every right to be angry with you, Roxas!" She slammed her balled fists down on the table, "Is this your idea of helping me?! Getting everyone in here and backing me into a corner?! I thought I could _trust_ you, Roxas!"

"Rikku—"

"No!" She pushed my father's hand off of her shoulder and turned toward me, "Why would you _do_ this, Roxas?"

"Rikku, don't pull that card with me." I began, glancing down toward the edge of the table, "I'm not going to stand by and let you kill yourself. And I'm not going to let you self medicate, so you can try and numb yourself to what's going on in your head. Yes, I have been there. Yes, I know what it's like. Wouldn't you think that would be all the more reason for me to do something like this?"

Rikku slammed her balled fists on the table again, "This was supposed to be our secret."

"Yeah, and secrets nearly killed me, Rikku." I said, turning my eyes on her and rising out of my seat.

Rikku turned to look at Sora, "Sora knew what was going on with you back then." She gestured toward Cloud, "And so did, Cloud! They both knew and they never did anything like this to you!"

"Correct, we didn't." Cloud began, "…Roxas was a completely different case from you, Rikku."

"How so?!" Rikku questioned, "He was fucking up and everyone knew about it and they just didn't want to say anything about it! It was treated like a big fucking mystery. He was left to run off and gallivant with his friends all over the city, getting into fucking trouble and whatever else came his way. But, if I fuck up. I fuck up _one_ time and everyone is all over me."

"This isn't about me, Rikku." I replied. It was becoming harder to keep a clear head through all of this.

"I don't care what any of you have to say, least of all, you, Roxas. You want to know something? I came back from London hoping that something remained constant in my life. And you know what that one thing was? My family." She glanced around the room, "But nothing is the same and here all of you are acting like I'm crazy for thinking or feeling this way!"

"You're not crazy, Rikku." My mother interjected, "Far from it, baby. …But the way you're coping with all of this isn't healthy and we want you to be okay."

"So you stage a fucking intervention like I'm some fucking crazy person!" Rikku screamed. She turned to my father, "And the only reason you're here … the only reason you're here isn't to celebrate with us as a family. It's to fucking send me away like you did to Roxas when he was off doing whatever behind you and mom's backs!"

"I have been removed from you for too long, Rikku. Yes, I know this. But your brother …" My father turned hesitant eyes to me and then looked at Rikku, "Your brother brought all of us here tonight because he knew that you needed not only him, but all of us as a collective unit."

"No." Rikku began, gripping the edge of the table, "What I need is for all of you to be out of my life."

She was taking the words right out of my mouth.

"Rikku." I started.

"I'm not going to go." Rikku cut me off, "I'm not going to go to whatever you have in mind for me. I'm not going to therapy, I'm not going away to take a rest somewhere. I'm not going into rehab; I'm not going to talk to someone. I'm not going to do any of that stuff. I don't need it and all of you are crazy for thinking that I do." She turned around for the back of her chair and began reaching for her coat, "I'm leaving. I don't need to hear any of this mess anymore."

My mother made a motion to talk, but I shook my head. She back down and I turned to Rikku, "And just where are you going to go, Rikku?"

"Back to London where I belong." Rikku replied, "Away from the people I call my family."

I folded my arms over my chest, "And you'll find stability there, huh?"

"You know what?" Rikku began, as she was throwing her scarf around her neck, "_Fuck you_, Roxas. Fuck you and everything you've done here tonight. I don't care anymore. I really don't. I don't care about you, or Sora, or Cloud or these people I call my parents." She stopped for a minute to look at us, "I'm glad everyone on this side of the pound is so content with their lives without me in it."

"No one said that, Rikku." Sora stood up beside me, "Come on … be reasonable."

"Oh, but Sora, I am." Rikku replied.

Her eyes were getting shifty and she looked like she was about to snap at any point. I knew she was getting to her breaking point. And the next few words that came out of her mouth proved it to me.

"Mom and dad? I'm glad the two of you got a divorce. Gives me real hope for the future." She turned to Cloud, "Cloud, good job on breaking up with Leon and knocking up Tifa. At least my niece and nephew are cute, huh? Sora, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, so stop pretending like it is. Oh, and Roxas?" She paused, "Kudos to Axel for putting up with your suicidal, anxiety ridden depressive self. I would have given up after the _fourth_ hospitalization."

I was sick and tired of having the past flung back in my face.

"Rikku, that's **enough**." Cloud intervened, standing up and walking around toward where Rikku was standing.

"Out of line, Rikku." Sora said, "_Completely_ out of the line."

It was almost as if time had stopped. My chest tightened up and my head was starting to throb.

"Roxas." I could feel Axel's hand sliding into mine, "_Breathe_. Roxas, come on. It's okay. Focus."

Everyone's face became a blur and time slowed down. Slurred words floated into my ears and meandered about as I tried to make sense of them. Rikku was screaming at Cloud, Sora was also there in the background trying to help him out. My mother had started to cry and my father … was he consoling her? This was a mess. This was a huge ass mess and I'd started it all. Once again, I'd fucked it. Fucked it up, fucked it up, fucked it up, fucked it up.

The last thing I remembered before I hit the ground was Axel's voice in my ear trying to bring me back to reality.

-x-

I woke up to a white ceiling and something cold and heavy being pressed to the side of my face. It was a cloth filled with ice. It was pushed further up against my temple and I winced slightly, "Not so hard." My head was _killing_ me.

"…You're back." Axel pulled the pack away from my face, "Hey, how're you feeling?"

"Like shit." I muttered.

"Your mother, father, Cloud and Tifa took Rikku to the hospital." Axel replied, jostling me slightly in his lap, "Sora and Riku are taking care of the mess with the restaurant owner, so don't worry that pretty little head of yours. This nightmare of a birthday will be over soon enough." I began to try to sit up, but Axel was quick to pull me right back into his lap and jam the cold cloth over my face again. "_Calm_ down. You took quite a blow to the head back there, okay?"

"…What happened?"

"You hyperventilated in the middle of all the mayhem and passed out."

I sighed heavily, resisting the lump building in my throat, "I fucked up."

"No, you didn't." Axel replied. He leaned behind him and pulled the bucket of ice up to his side. He dumped the ice in the cloth out, refilled it, twisted the cloth back around and cracked it against the side of the bucket, "Your heart was in the right place."

"What happened after I blacked out?"

"You didn't miss much. Rikku was screaming about how much she didn't trust any of us anymore—most of all, your parents. She threw one of the candelabra's on the table at the wall and Cloud and your mother intervened at that point. The owner came in towards the end of all of this; saw you on the floor and Rikku flipping out and … well, that's the mess that's currently being sorted out." Axel glanced behind me, "I think we should make a second trip to the hospital to get you checked out. You hit the ground pretty hard back there…"

"My head is _fucking_ killing me." I sighed heavily, "This whole thing is a fucking mess."

"But, at least they all know now." Axel replied, "And Rikku can stop wandering around all of you and pretending like everything is okay."

"…"

"Roxas?"

"…You don't really …" I looked up at him, shutting my eyes, "…You don't really think …"

"Rox, come on, don't break down on me." Axel jostled me gently, "You know I don't believe anything your sister said—"

"You don't get it. Nothing makes sense anymore, Axel!" I cut him off, shaking my head and pushing my hands over my eyes, "Nothing fucking makes sense anymore and I'm sick of holding it in pretending like it is! This wasn't supposed to turn out like this, god dammit, I don't know how I expected it to turn out. Everyone always expects me to know how to fucking fix things and I don't know how!"

"Roxas."

"No! I don't want to hear you talk, just let me get this out, dammit." I removed my hands from my eyes as they were beginning to mist over, "Maybe this wasn't the right time to do this. Maybe this _was_ stupid. Of all days, why choose my birthday? Why, you ask? Because I thought maybe I could do something for Rikku that was never done for me. Maybe I could fix something that was broken that no one else knew how to fix … or … or just do something for her before things got so out of control that she'd end up like me. In and out of fucking treatment facilities for God knows how long, fucking hating your life, fucking hating yourself because no one understands the god damn emptiness that you harbor inside." I turned to look at him, "And you know how it turns out?"

"Tell me, Rox."

"A huge fucking mess, that's how it turns out." I replied, "I was supposed to find some type of stability in these last few years, Axel. All that shit with Hayner and Xemnas and my father was supposed to be behind me. I'm not supposed to be acting out like I used to be. I'm not supposed to be that same confused teenager who tried to off himself just because he couldn't cope with the shit that was going on in his brain." I looked up at him, "And to hear my sister flinging something like that back in my face after all that time I've spent getting better is just …"

"You know I don't believe an ounce of what Rikku said, Roxas." Axel replied, moving my hands away from my face and replacing it with the cloth again, "And you know what she was saying, right? It was out of anger. Your parent's divorce still affects her no matter how she tries to hide it. She's happy for Cloud and Tifa, if not, maybe a little jealous of what your brother and future sister-in-law have. Sora's not much of a target, so that was a petty jab at best. And you … you're the one person she felt like she had in her corner after everyone else left. Yours was the lowest blow. She wanted something that was going to hurt you… and it did its job by sending you into just about the worst panic attack I've tried to talk you through."

"I'm sick of this. I'm sick of having the past slung back in my face even when I try to move past it." I said, looking up to meet his eyes, "Hasn't it been enough, Axel? Haven't I been through enough? I'm not strong enough to solve all this shit. I'm not strong enough to go through what I used to … I don't want to go back to those days."

Axel sighed, "Yes, you are. Now stop talking like that."

"No, I'm not." I replied, "...This is a lie. This is all a lie that I keep telling myself just so that I can wake up on a day to day basis and not have to think about the past. It's still there. The thoughts are always there. They're not as strong as they used to be but they're fucking there and I can't do anything to stop them. Don't you know that?"

"Of course, I know that." Axel replied, "God, Roxas. I'd have to be stupid to not realize …" He paused, removing the cloth from my face again, "Don't you realize I'm too in love with your vertically challenged ass to not notice these types of things?"

"God, don't talk like that, Axel."

"Shut up, because you need to hear it." Axel replied, "You've had a few bad days over the past couple of years, but you're nowhere near the person you used to be and you know that. We all know that. You're not the same person you were when you were when you were nineteen. You're twenty three, Roxas. Shit has changed, and you have too."

"Then why don't I feel like I have?" I asked, rubbing at my eyes again. My headache was staring to get worse, "Why don't I feel like shit has changed? Why does it feel like after I worked so hard for everything to be right again, all of it is falling apart?"

"Think of it in terms of changing tides in the ocean." Axel began, "Its high tide right now. You're being swarmed with too much. The surface is being covered with a ton of shit that you're finding difficult to handle right now. Your parent's divorce, Rikku's issues, your brother's wedding will probably be another source of stress once the spring comes around. You've also got college … and perhaps … even me at times."

"…Axel, I …"

"I know I haven't been the easiest person to deal with in the past couple of weeks …months, really. Ever since Avô passed, I haven't been all here all the time. Especially with Lea coming back and having to deal with thinking about how Avó has to cope with all of this." Axel sighed, "It hasn't been an easy couple of months for the both of us, Rox. Its high tide, things are going to get worse before they even get better." He raised his eyebrows and shrugged slightly, "Low tide is when everything is fixed … all the bullshit subsides and you can breathe again."

"I don't need them to get any worse than they already are." I groaned, shutting my eyes to Axel.

He placed the ice pack back over my head, "Don't worry."

"…How can you say—"

"Because," Axel began, "You know I'll be there to pick up the pieces if you lose it again."

"Like I haven't heard that line before." I sighed, "…So they took Rikku to the hospital?"

"Yeah, she finally gave in to some degree." Axel replied, "I think they're going to keep her overnight to observe her and check out her medical state. As soon as she's cleared, they'll probably ship her off to Colorado, right?" Axel looked down at me, "Will you go see her before she leaves?"

"I've done enough." I replied, "…I've … I've _done_ enough."

"…Hm." Axel ran a hand through my bangs, "What type of facility did you say your mother was looking again?"

"Mainly eating disorder." I replied, "…But, they'll probably address whatever underlying issues she has there."

"This will more than likely be in the news, you know."

"We'll keep it hushed for as long as we can." I murmured, "But you know that's impossible with this family."

"Yeah." Axel replied, "I know. Doesn't mean we can't preserve what little privacy you all have. Or at least try to."

I shrugged my shoulders dismissively. I just wanted to go home at this point. I was tired, mentally and physically. I glanced up to look at Axel, "I'm sorry for always bringing you into some type of crazy mess."

He shrugged, as a slight smile came to his face, "Ack, I don't mind, Rox. Our relationship wouldn't be as endearingly charming as it is if it were normal. You know that."

-x-

After Sora and Riku came back after Axel had helped me up to my feet. Once we were out of the restaurant Axel has tried to convince the two of them to head back over to the Upper West Side, but Sora was in mother hen mode and was all over me when he saw how flat my mood had become. After arguing with Axel—(Well, it wasn't an argument really. Sora was busy ignoring Axel and hailing a cab in the street while Axel sputtered on the sidewalk.)—Sora, Riku, Axel and I all piled into a cab and headed back to our loft in the East Village.

I immediately headed for the shower to drown myself—somewhat literally—and then got dressed for bed. Sora and Riku were up talking with Axel and Soro was somewhere in the mix. After I got out of the shower, I knocked on the wall by the living room to get their attention and let them know that I was going to sleep. Of course, Sora protested a bit and said I should come and stay up with them and talk for a bit. No, I wanted to sleep. Surprisingly, he let me go without much of a hassle and I said goodnight to the trio.

...I was done after tonight.

I was done with trying to fix everyone and everything because everyone wanted to turn to me when everything was falling apart. All because I was supposed to understand them. They wanted empathy where I had no sympathy. Roxas, Roxas, Roxas. The poster boy for fuck ups, savior to all who fall into its depths.

Fuck that shit.

I'm no one's savior. Nor am I trying to be. I just want to be left alone. With Axel. And his crazy red hair and insane ass malachite eyes. And his ridiculous love of leather. And his fucking guitars that take up every ounce of space in this small ass loft in the middle of the East Village. And our fat little Morkie. And her spastic ways. And I just want to finish off my last few semesters at fucking NYU and get my stupid degree and do something with my life already.

That's all I want.

That's _all_ I fucking want.

I was _done_.


	17. Indie Rokkers

**17; indie rokkers**

There is this crippling feeling that pervades the body in the aftermath of an assault.

Your hands are caked with gravel, little grey specks rubbing and irritating your bloody skin. Peels of skin that would have otherwise wrapped around your palm lie shredded, threatening to flake off at any minute. Your head hurts, throbbing as the rush of adrenaline finally subsides.

You're helpless and your lungs burn as your muscles shift and turn beneath your broken bones. Unsettled, shifting cartilage and bone that becomes splintered, blooded, battered and bruised. They wrap your bruises and dab at your blood in bandages soaked with honey. You are helpless. Essentially as helpless as the day you were born; crying as the doctor pulled you from your mother's womb and unleashed you into this hell that is the human world.

That was how I felt upon waking up an hour after I had fallen asleep.

I had some sort of relapse that night. I had been up half the night in the bathroom toying with the stupid idea of pressing a razor to my wrist. Not like that ever really helped me before. Sora and Riku were staying with us for the night, and they had taken up residence in the living room. So, it wasn't like I could go into the kitchen and have a midnight drink by myself. Lest I wanted Sora to wake up and try to get me to talk about things.

I eventually ended up in the closet with Soro cuddled into my lap. There's always been something about me and closets ever since I was little. I used to hide away under my mother's old coats until someone came to find me. Most of the time … I was hiding from a specific someone. Other times it was just to seclude myself, some kind of barrier to the world outside. Something … something to keep me safe.

I was stifling the overwhelming urge to scream, cry and agonize over everything that had happened as I pressed my face into Soro's silky fur. I had already taken the liberty of emailing my professors to let them know that I wasn't going to be in class the next morning, or campus for that matter. Not in the type of shape I was in. I knew myself too well to know that I'd be in no type of functioning form by morning.

I was in the closet for nearly a half hour before I decided that I had to get out of the loft. Just leave and tell no one where I was going. Get out, vanish into the night and not look back. I began mentally listing the places that I could go as I stripped off my pajamas and pulled on a pair of jeans and a heavy turtleneck.

I couldn't go to Naminé's. That would be the first place someone would look for me. Pence and Olette were out of the question, I didn't want to intrude. Demyx and Zexion? That was a big no. Sora and Riku were already here, Cloud and Tifa were with my parents. Lena? I knew she would never refuse me. She seemed to view me in the same light that she did Axel … but I couldn't do that. Was there no one? No one at all? Was I truly as alone as I thought I was? I glanced down at Soro who looked up at me with wide eyes, probably sensing my distress.

"What should I do?" I asked, kneeling down to scratch her behind the ears. She began licking my fingers, and then something seemed to click. …No … no there was someone. Someone I hadn't talked to in nearly four years. And he could definitely help me now.

-x-

It was after three in the morning when I found myself standing off the corner of 1st Ave and 50th street, knocking on the door of Dr. Ansem Telford's townhouse.

I had packed Soro into her duffel, grabbed my wallet, a change of clothes and keys and slinked my way out of the loft as quietly as possible. Thankfully, Sora's notorious snoring was enough to drown out the creaking of the front door as I left. I all but ran out of the front lobby with my head lowered and hood drawn over my head so Auron wouldn't notice me immediately. Taking a cab was too risky, so I braved the Union Square train station—I abhor mass transit and it was even worse at this hour—and caught an uptown train for 51st street.

I don't know why I was doing this, but Ansem was the only person that seemed like he could help me … or talk to me at this moment. I didn't want to load Axel down with another night of me screaming about my inadequacies and him merely smiling and trying to tell me otherwise. I put too much on Axel; I had to start doing things for myself. And even if I was going to Ansem right now, it was still better than turning to Axel whenever I had a crisis. I brought Soro with me as a means of calming down, something to focus on other than the insurmountable anxiety building in my chest. I left my phone back at the loft. They'd have to find me on their own or just wait until I felt like coming home.

I rang the doorbell for the fourth time and tried to focus on something other than my chattering teeth and puffs of white breath. Winter in New York was brutal at times. It took a minute, but eventually a light came on behind the door and a figured loomed in the glass of the front door. A minute later, Ansem was opening the front door, dressed in a deep sangria robe and matching slippers. He was wearing his glasses and looked just about ready to pass out. His eyes widened immediately when he realized who I was.

"_Roxas_?" He blinked blearily, looking like he had seen a ghost, "_Roxas_? What in heaven's name—"

"I'll explain everything in a minute. Can I come in?" I interjected, brusquely.

"By God's, yes. Please." He stepped aside, letting me step up into the warm hallway, "Here, you must be freezing." I felt his hands immediately on my shoulders and he steered me in the direction of what I presumed to be his study, "Please, take off your jacket. I'll go make us some tea."

I shrugged off my thin NorthFace and the hoodie I was wearing under it. I set the duffel bag containing Soro carefully on the floor and unzipped the top so I could take her out and set her down. She seemed eager enough to explore her new surroundings as she immediately scampered away from me and disappeared behind Ansem's desk.

Ansem's study was reminiscent of his old office, the potted plants and deep red furniture. Plaques decorated the walls along with pictures of people I didn't recognize. I walked over to the fireplace, where something caught my interest. There was a picture of Axel and I. It was a picture we had taken at the airport nearly four years ago. The same day as my last therapy session with Ansem.

I wasn't smiling in the picture, but Axel was grinning away with his fingers in a V shape behind my head and an arm draped lazily over my shoulder. …I didn't know Ansem had a copy of this …Axel must have sent it to him behind my back.

"I wanted to remember that moment as a personal success."

I turned toward Ansem as he reappeared in the doorway. He had returned to the study holding a tray filled with two mugs and a small amount of confectioneries. He set the tray down on the desk to his side and seemed a bit startled when Soro poked her head out from under his seat.

"…And I see we have another little visitor …" Ansem bent down to pet Soro affectionately, "…I believe this must be the infamous, Soro?" He questioned, glancing at me.

"I hope you don't mind… I … kind of needed her with me." I replied. I gestured toward the photo, "You were saying?"

"I'm more of the feline persuasion, but I appreciate dogs nonetheless." Ansem withdrew his hand from Soro and sauntered over to the fireplace, "As for that picture of the two of you … I needed it to remind myself of something…" He paused, stroking his beard in thought, "But, first. Come and sit."

I obeyed his request and took up the seat on the other side of the desk. Ansem fiddled around with the wood in the fireplace and pulled a lighter from off the top of the mantle, "No one knows I'm here." I began, reaching for one of the mugs. It was green tea.

"I expected as much." Ansem replied.

"You know me too well."

"Someone has to." He shut the screen to the fireplace and rose to his feet. He sat down opposite me and reached for his own mug. He gestured toward a red velvet cupcake situated in the middle of the tray, "Ah, by the way. That one is for you."

"For?"

"A belated happy birthday." Ansem answered, taking a sip of his mug, "Do not think I have forgotten, Roxas."

"Hm, you never do. Thanks." I eyed the cupcake tentatively and turned my attention back to my mug, "I suppose I should explain why I'm here." Where should I even start?

"That would alleviate my curiosity, yes."

"I had no where else to go." I sighed, "...Rikku is going to rehab and my family is falling apart."

"…So the reports were true?" Ansem muttered to himself, and then glanced at me.

"…You mean it's _already_ made the news?" I moaned, clutching the mug and digging my nails into its smooth surface.

"It was reported on the evening news that your sister was in the hospital for an undisclosed reason. The only reason it's raising any alarm is because your parents and brother were with her." Ansem replied, "If it were serious, I thought you would be there. But then they also mentioned something about Sora and you … I didn't quite catch that last bit."

"She has an eating disorder." I replied, "And I thought it best to intervene and get her some type of help before she ended up destroying herself in the same way that I did when I was her age. I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life, blacked out completely and woke up as an emotional wreck in Axel's lap. I've been on edge ever since…" I paused, growing introspective for a minute, "I thought … I thought you were the best person to come see."

"In the middle of the night?"

"In the middle of the night." I repeated, "I can't … I don't want anyone to know where I am right now. I just want to have … I just need silence. I need quiet, someplace to calm my mind and slow down the pace for a minute. It was either stay locked in the closet back at the loft, or runaway or something else."

"…What about Axel?"

"He doesn't even know where I am right now." I replied, "I don't even want him to know where I am. That's how much I want to be alone right now."

Ansem sighed deeply, "I'm sure he's concerned, Roxas."

"That's the problem." I replied, eyeing the massive tomes pushed into the bookshelf built into the wall, "I don't want them to be concerned. I want to be left alone with my thoughts. I want everyone to stop poking at me and trying to get inside my head. I had enough of it when I was nineteen … twenty … and I don't need it anymore at twenty three." I sighed, "I understand they're concerned, but it needs to be accepted that there are times that I don't want to talk."

"Hmmm," Ansem mused as he took another sip of his tea, "Why is Rikku at the hospital tonight?"

"She needs to be examined. There's no telling what type of damage she's done to her body." I replied, "If all goes well, she'll probably be shipped off to this place in Colorado for the next couple of months. Hopefully she'll be out in time for Cloud's wedding. I know Tifa wants to make her a bridesmaid and—"

"Cloud's fiancé?"

"Yes, they're getting married sometime in the spring." I replied, "That's another thing just thrown into the mix that I have to contend with."

"Is there anything else?"

"Guess I should mention that my parents got a divorce last December." I took a sip of my tea, "I had to house my mother for a little while and help her find a new place because they cleaned out the old mansion in Westchester."

"…It seems like a great deal has been going on since we've last spoken, Roxas."

I shrugged, "There's also the matter of Axel's family … but that's not entirely my problem. Or he won't let me in enough for it to become my problem. Or wants to keep me out of it. Which makes no sense, considering all the times he's actively invaded my personal boundaries to pull me out of whatever was going on inside my head at the time."

"My, the two of you haven't changed one bit over these last few years." Ansem noted, stifling his laughter with the back of his hand, "I'm apologize, Roxas. It's rather rude of me to laugh. It's just been so long since we've conversed in this way. I rather miss it sometimes…"

"It's fine." I glanced over my shoulder at the picture on the mantle, "Tell me why you have it."

"…Ah, that picture." Ansem set his mug down on the desk and rose from his seat. He stood poised in front of the fire place and sighed, "This picture was a mark of success. Seeing the two of you … knowing that two people that I treated as children could find something greater … something remarkable in one another."

"What do you mean?"

"Your story, as well as Axel's, reflect the cruelest parts of humanity." Ansem began, "As children … I experienced the hell of your reality and internalized it as my own at times. Just to try and find some type of solace for the two of you. You, your parents, the war Xemnas caused within your household. Axel, his mother and the abandonment he felt for all those years after. I wondered at times if there was anything I could do for the two of you. In and out, in and out, the two of you fell upon my doorstep and were pulled away by another force in life." He turned to look at me, his eyes eerie in the illumination of the fireplace, "And then by chance… you both came to me at the same time. Or rather, Sora was acting as an extension of you, and Axel came to me physically."

"I know how the story goes Ansem."

"…Everything was purely experimental. Purely experimental and dangerous. I thought maybe … maybe if I couldn't heal my patients, maybe they could do that for one another." Ansem replied, "…Heal is a rather strong word. Rather, I should use mend … the ability to mend the rifts that tore them apart in the first place. Axel was perfect. He seemed eager at the prospective of meeting you, even if my ideas were quite unorthodox for the moment."

"Yeah, but you had the type of power to do that sort of thing, didn't you? As part of the conservatorship my family had placed on me?"

"I suppose I did …" Ansem said, "It doesn't matter now… but the two of you… I am grateful for all that has happened between the two of you. I … did not always believe I did my best when it came to you, so I always thought Axel could pick up where I was lacking. I know back then you didn't see him as anything more than a nuisance that had been shoved into your life when you least wanted it to, but I thought it was the best for you at the moment."

"You did something right." I replied, "…I haven't … I haven't felt comfortable enough to let someone into my life like this since Hayner died. But, sometimes it gets to the point where I can't always talk to Axel about everything and anything. I need time to be away from everyone, to process things in my own head before I go out and face the world again."

"That is normal, for what purpose do our thoughts serve if we cannot dissect and analyze them on our own?" Ansem fingered the picture gently, "I am proud of both of you, Roxas. I do not … think I have ever said that directly to you."

"I don't doubt your words, Ansem."

"For me, this picture symbolizes that it is possible for people to overcome their demons. In my line of work you see many people fall … obscured by the depth of their guilt, shame and pain. They don't stay around long enough to see if things will ever turn around. I come home to see this picture of the two of you every day… and I turn those thoughts around. It is possible. It may be difficult, but it _is_ possible."

"…I'm still a work in progress, Ansem." I sighed, "…You know... I thought about cutting tonight. Something I haven't done in years. I didn't do it, but I thought about it. Sat around in the bathroom toying with the razor until I put it down and realized how stupid the idea was."

"What were the thoughts going through your head at that very moment?"

"Wanted to die and end everything …" I paused, "No, it's not like that. I just wanted … everything to stop. I just, I was trying to go numb. I just felt this pervasive need to stop feeling, to stop my heart from beating, to just …_stop_."

"How do you feel now?"

"Better now that I'm here." I muttered, collapsing back into my seat. "Like I said before, I … I couldn't stay at the loft tonight. I just couldn't stay in there. I thought about everywhere I could go tonight and I … I felt like you would be the best fit. I know the time of day isn't the most … ideal, but I just needed to come here tonight."

"And I am glad you did." Ansem replied, placing a hand on my shoulder and kneeling down so that we were at eye level, "Come, you must be tired. We can talk some more in the morning, for now you must rest. How long have you been up?"

"All night. We got in around ten and I only slept for about an hour before I was up again."

Ansem nodded in understanding, "Here, finish your tea and I'll put everything else away. I'll go fix the guest bedroom up for you and you may come upstairs in a moment."

Ansem left the room shortly after and I heard him clattering around in the kitchen which was further down the hallway. Soro came out of hiding from under the desk and cast a curious glance my way. I whistled for her and she came toddling my way and jumped up to paw at my knees. Although I thought she was a pain most of the time, I don't regret taking Soro from Sora when we split up. As much as I refused to admit it, sometimes I needed this little crazy dog around to keep me grounded.

I gathered up her duffel bag and she crawled back inside without me having to instruct her. I downed the rest of my tea, picked myself up out of the chair and headed for the kitchen where I could hear Ansem clanking around. He looked a bit startled to see me at the door, but I merely waved the mug at him and took a seat at the bar while I waited for him to finish whatever it was that he was doing.

Ansem eventually motioned for me to follow him up the winding staircase that led to the second floor of his house and led me down another hallway. He opened the door to a Spartan clean guest room. Everything was canvassed in white. White bedspread and white drapes framing two windows that looked off into the street below. There was a plasma television mounted on the wall opposite the bed and three small white chests stacked beneath it.

"My granddaughter, Aqua, often uses this room for when she comes around, so you must excuse the rather … feminine décor."

I shrugged, "It's no problem."

"Yes, very well then." Ansem cleared his throat, "I will leave you to your devices. Please feel welcome to sleep as much as you need tomorrow morning, I will be home all day. …Is there anything in particular that you would like to eat in the morning?"

"Uhm … nothing that I can think of at the moment, no." I replied. Letting me stay the night and going out of his way to cook breakfast for me? Ansem was too kind.

"I see." Ansem nodded, "Very well, I bid you good night, Roxas. Do sleep well."

"...Yeah, good night to you, too." I paused for a minute as he turned his back on me and began to walk down the hallway to ascend another staircase, "Ansem?"

"Yes, Roxas?"

"...Thanks ..." I began, "...Thanks for tonight, I mean. Thanks for hearing me out when I needed it most. And ... and thanks for believing in Axel and me. We're not ...I don't think we're the model couple for functionality, but thanks for believing in us. Regardless of what our past, present or future might be. I'll ... I'll try to live up to it not only for myself, but for you as well."

He didn't say anything, but smiled briefly at me before turning back to the stairs and ascending them. I waited until he was gone before I closed the door to the guest room behind me and set the duffel bag on the floor. Soro climbed out again, and began pacing around the room and sniffing things. I immediately fell upon the plush bed and bounced slightly as I collapsed onto the mattress.

It had been a long night. One that I was ready to forget. But, Ansem was able to put some things in perspective. I wasn't going to give up, I couldn't give up. I just needed a little break from things. A little break from life, so to speak. Maybe a day or two, just enough to get myself together so I could face everyone again. Face my family, face my siblings ... face Axel. They would be looking for me ... maybe they had already started. I wasn't going to worry about being found at the moment. For now I was just going to enjoy this moment of silence. Seek out the peace that I hadn't found in a long time.

I slipped off my jeans, and sweater and threw them into a pile at the foot of the bed. I picked Soro up off the floor and set her down on the opposite side of the bed beside me. I knew she'd start barking and whining at me if I didn't. She never did well in new places. Soro curled up right by my head, licked my nose affectionately a couple of times and then settled in to sleep. Once I was in bed, I settled into the pillows to listen to the sounds of the city at night. The rushing of cars passing along the street, yelling of stragglers stumbling home from late night clubs and bars. The honking of taxis, all trying to gain their first fair of the morning, or last one of the night. Cascading and haunting lights filtering in through the curtains of the windows, painting the room in varying shades of light, expelling darkness.

It wasn't long before I felt fatigue settling in, my eyes closed and I finally fell into dreamless sleep.


	18. Alphabet Song

**18; alphabet song**

The sun was shining when I came to in the morning.

It was at half mast in the winter sky, painting lazy fluorescent tendrils of light on the hardwood floor. Soro picked her head up when she saw I was awake and bent down to lick at my nose as she had before we had gone to sleep. I pushed her away with my free hand as I used my other to push myself up into an elevated position. What time was it? Judging from the position of the sun, it had to be the afternoon at the very least.

I turned toward the wall on my right to see a clock mounted above a Birchwood desk. _1:45PM_. Well, I had slept through breakfast … but, Ansem did tell me to sleep as long as I needed to. And after all the shit that had happened in the last few days, I needed the rest. …I wondered if Axel and the others were looking for me by now...? They had to be. But I couldn't concern myself with that right now.

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I pulled the sheets back and gathered Soro up in my arms. I set her down on the floor and she followed me out of the bedroom and down the stairs to the first level of Ansem's townhouse. The air smelled sweet and warm … like someone had been baking, but Ansem wasn't in the kitchen. He was down the hallway in his study.

I pulled myself away from the kitchen and headed for the study. Ansem was on the phone with someone, so I waited in the doorway until he was done. He turned around briefly to look at me and then waved me into the study. I took a seat on the couch opposite his desk and Soro followed me by hopping onto the couch and settled down by my thigh. It didn't take long for him to get through with his phone call, as he hung up a moment later and turned to look at me.

"Good afternoon, Roxas." He glanced up at me and then began rummaging around through the papers on his desk.

"…Yeah…" I replied, rubbing my head nonchalantly, "…Sorry I missed breakfast."

Ansem merely shook his head and laughed heartily, "It is all right, I had a feeling you would be. You seemed rather fatigued when you came to me last night. Do not think I did not notice." He looked up at me again, "Are you hungry?"

"Not particularly." I started. There was something else on my mind.

"You seem to have left your phone at the loft as a means of cutting communication with those that care about you. Am I right, Roxas?" Ansem began, sliding his glasses off of his nose.

"Who called?"

"Just Axel." Ansem leaned back in his seat as he set his glasses down on his desk, "It appears as if he, Sora and Riku have been looking for you all morning. They just about canvassed the entire city in their effort to find you. I see that your sister isn't the only one causing a ruckus for your family right about now."

"Well?"

"I told him I would send you home when you were ready and it would be best if they let you be for the time being. The last thing you need right now is an ambush from your family." Ansem turned to me, "Do you intend to stay another day? I do not mind the company, but I must head into the office tomorrow evening. …I assume you should be returning to campus as well, yes?"

Campus? He knew I was back in school? "You know everything, don't you?" I asked, rising from my seat and walked toward the fireplace.

"Oh, not everything, but enough. Just because I am no longer your therapist does not mean I should be completely out of touch with your life, Roxas. I've come to know you as more than just a simple previous patient of mine." Ansem mused, "If you must know, Axel calls me every once in a while for a chat here and there…"

I turned to look at him as he trailed off, "…He does?"

"I'm assuming you did not know…" Ansem began to stroke his chin, "I last talked to him this past fall. But, he's been out of touch since then. Ever since the passing of his grandfather. I suppose… that's when we last talked."

"Hasn't called you since, hm?" I turned to face Ansem, "…Well, he's changed since then after all."

"Changed?"

I turned to look at Ansem, balled my fists and sighed, "Never mind that for now." I glanced up at that picture of the two of us, "Did he say anything important?"

"He was worried and seemed a bit aggravated with your disappearance. Aside from that, he called with an update on your sister. Your mother requested your presence at the hospital before they discharge her." Ansem continued, "…Though she would understand if you would refuse her request considering what has happened between you and your sister. He said Sabel does not want anything to happen that will exacerbate the situation."

"That's reasonable." I replied, "But, no. I think I'll go see Rikku one last time before we ship her out to get her head straight."

"You do not think she is still angry with you?"

"Emotion and tensions were high the night before." I said, "…If anything, the right thing to do would be to go see her." That was the right thing. It didn't mean that I wanted to do it just yet. Fuck.

"Are you well enough to do so?"

"Ansem, I've been in worse positions. You know that."

"I understand that. But …" He cleared his throat, "Ah, you must forgive me, Roxas. At times I find myself slipping back into the roles we once had."

I snorted lightly, "I understand you're protective of me. It's only natural when you look at how many years we've known each other. Or the amount of time and dedication you've put into helping me get my life back on track." I glanced at Ansem again, "But, I'm not the same scared shitless child or reckless teenager that I was."

"I can see how you've matured."

"It hasn't been easy."

He nodded in understanding, "I know." Ansem clasped his hands on his desk, "…What will you do?"

I fingered the rim of the frame that held the picture of Axel and I, "I'll go back to the loft first and sort myself out. Sora and Riku are probably still there, too. We'll all go to the hospital together and see my sister. Just get on with this and get everything out of the way. Get things back to normal like they used to be."

"Is there not something else that we need to talk about, Roxas?"

"…Hm?"

"You skirted the topic earlier."

"I'll turn my attention to Axel when all of this is over." I murmured, catching on immediately, "…Perhaps I should have done it sooner. It's almost been four months since the funeral."

Ansem nodded, "I can only imagine his grief runs deep yet he does not tell you, does he?"

"Ansem, if there's one thing I've learned about Axel is that he never looks you in the eyes when he lies." I laughed bitterly, "It seems selfish, doesn't it? He sees all of what goes on with the psychotic Ardenwells, yet he leaves me out of the loop when it comes to things I know he can't handle on his own. But, I understand. I understand why he doesn't involve me. And it's not because he's selfish … that's where the two of us are different."

"He does not like to talk about the past." Ansem replied, "And you know he's always been protective of you… I know Axel would rather not involve you with things beyond what is necessary."

"I don't _need_ to be protected." I started, but bit my lip at the thought of what I had just said, "…I … well maybe I do to some degree. No one was ever really there to do it before. But, I don't need to protect myself from people who I want in my life. I need to protect myself from the people that exist outside of it."

"Perhaps he feels this is best."

"Well, I don't. I don't need to be left out of the loop like I was before." I folded my arms over my chest, "It's … this isn't the thing I should be focusing on right now, Ansem."

"It will come up between the two of you eventually." Ansem pressed his fingers together in a steeple and leaned back into his chair, "I just thought it best I should talk to you about a course of action before you approach it."

I turned a quick eye on him, "…This is turning into something reminiscent of a therapy session, you know?"

Ansem laughed gingerly, "I'm sorry. I just want to get you to process a few things before you leave me. Like I said before, you have spent too much time in my care for me not to approach these kinds of things with you." He cleared his throat, "Are you hungry by chance?"

I shrugged, "I guess I could go for something before I head home."

He rose from his seat, "Come."

I followed him into the kitchen and Soro followed quickly after us. He put a kettle on the stove and I took a seat at the bar as he set about boiling water and removed two mugs from a cabinet overhead.

"…About Axel." I began and Ansem glanced over his shoulder at me, "When I said he's changed … he's become muted in a way."

"Muted?" Ansem questioned, "As in a flat affect?"

I shook my head, "Less animated. He's forcing himself. I can see it in his mannerisms and how he acts. It's not as natural as it used to be. There's no effervescence or grandiosity anymore. It all started after his grandfather passed," I paused in thought, "I don't see him as much as I used to because he's busy with this new album and whatnot, but when I do … he seems like his head is lost in the clouds. There's been times when I've come home and I find him staring into empty space on the couch… or he's strumming out on a guitar on the balcony. He's … disconnecting. Or disconnected for one."

"Depression…" Ansem mused to himself and then turned to me, "It is possible, is it not?"

"Of course it's possible, not that he'd ever let me know." I replied, "There's been more than enough times I've caught him slipping up. He'll focus on me so he won't have to focus on himself. If I so much as bring up anything that might be bothering him, I'll immediately get shut down and he'll turn the topic around."

Ansem moved the kettle off the stove when it started to steam, "Address this matter after you finish with Rikku, Roxas."

"I will." I replied.

"…Will you need my assistance?"

I shook my head, "Talking to you about it right here, right now is more than enough." I watched as he began to pour the water into two large opaque mugs, "I'll be fine."

"I know that you will," Ansem set one of the mugs down in front of me along with honey and soy milk, "Shall I make breakfast? Or lunch?"

I shrugged, "I suppose eggs and French toast would be nice."

Ansem laughed, "Coming right up." He glanced down at Soro, "And what shall we feed young Soro?"

I glanced down at the fat little Morkie who began to wag her tail when she heard her name, "Nothing. She could stand to lose some weight. She'll be fine until I head back downtown."

Ansem laughed, "Ah, yes. Soro's weight gain …"

"I assume you've heard about that also?"

"Axel's band mate Demyx is to blame for this one, yes?"

I sighed, "She's lost some weight but she's still got a ways to go," I watched as Ansem cracked two eggs into a frying pan and they began to sizzle from the heat of the stove, "…Thanks again, Ansem. For all of this, I mean. I don't know where I would have gone last night to be honest…"

"It is my pleasure, Roxas." Ansem replied, "Know that you always have a place here when things get to be too much and you need to escape for awhile."

I nodded in response and picked up my steaming mug of tea. There was nothing more for us to say at that moment, and we lapsed into comfortable small talk about less pressing matters. But, over the sizzling of the frying pan and sweet aroma that was slowly coming back to fill the kitchen, I knew in the back of my mind that it was time I checked back into reality.

-x-

Sora hit me at full force, arms wrapped around my neck and chin digging into my shoulder. He was hugging me in an awkward position, due to the rather large duffel bag draped over my shoulder. Of course he would be the first one to greet me when I stepped back into the loft that night.

He refused to let me go no matter how many times I tried to pry him off of me. It wasn't long before Riku stepped in to physically remove him. Axel was right there along with the two of them, arms crossed over his chest and an unreadable expression on his face. He didn't say much, nor did he act as angry as I thought he would be. I wondered if he really had any reason to be upset with me.

Of course, I had run away in the middle of the night without telling him anything … but Axel couldn't fix everything. He couldn't fix every little thing that was wrong with my life or his for that matter. He could help, but that's all he could do. Realistically, that was it. And try as he might to fix every facet of my screwed up existence, he couldn't do it all. Maybe that was what he was trying to do. Fix what was going wrong in my life so he didn't have to focus on his own. Well, things don't work that way.

After exchanging a few short words, he asked me if I was up to visiting Rikku at the hospital. Sora chimed in that Yuna had flown in overnight from California and was already there too. I dropped my stuff off, took a shower and then the four of us were off to the hospital. My sister was currently at New York Presbyterian, not too far from where Axel and I lived.

Cloud was the first person we ran into when we got to the hospital. Tifa had gone home to mind the twins so it was just him, my parents and Yuna. He was sitting in the lobby with his arms crossed over his chest, a moody look on his face and his eyes cast downward as he glared at some insignificant speck on the floor. When the doors to the hospital slid open, he immediately looked up at the four of us and rose to his feet.

"Was wondering when the four of you were going to get here," He paused, turning an eye on me and then turned to Sora who looked like he was about to burst with questions, "Go on, Sora."

"Is she okay?" Sora prompted, "I mean, is she … has she calmed down since last night? Is she all right, I mean—"

"She's sleeping now." Cloud replied, cutting Sora off. He motioned for the four of us to follow us him to the elevator. He jabbed a thumb on the worn plastic of the up button and glanced over his shoulder, "I'll take you up to where they're keeping her. But you might have to wait a while for her to come to."

They were keeping Rikku in a private room on one of the higher floors. The work of my father, no doubt. We found Yuna in the waiting area when the elevator doors opened. Axel, Sora and Riku all walked out ahead of Cloud and I to join Yuna. I stopped when I felt a hand resting heavily on my shoulder just as the elevator door closed behind Cloud and I.

"I heard what happened."

"Sora?" I questioned.

"No, Axel." He replied, "You weren't answering your phone and mom got worried and called him. He seemed to know where you were but he wouldn't tell mom. He just let her know that you were safe and needed time to be alone."

"I went to see Ansem."

"I figured as much." Cloud crossed his arms over his chest and sighed heavily, "Are you okay?"

"Better than last night." I replied, glancing at him, "…I'm fine, Cloud. This whole situation has been emotionally draining and I needed to get away from everyone last night, that's all."

"…She wants to apologize to you." Cloud leaned against the wall, and looked toward the ceiling, "That's all Rikku kept talking about last night. When we finally got her to come to the hospital she finally broke down and all she kept saying was how horrible she felt for the way she treated you when all you did was try to help her." He lowered his gaze to me, but I didn't meet his eyes, "What happened between the two of you? Rikku was mum on the topic."

Leave it to Cloud to play interrogator. "I told you what happened when I got you and Sora together to talk about Rikku in the first place."

"…There's more to the story, Roxas. All you told us was that you knew she had an eating disorder. You never told us _how_ you came upon that discovery."

I turned to him, "Is this really necessary right now? Can't this wait, Cloud?"

Cloud glanced in the direction of the waiting room where Sora was jabbering away with Yuna, Riku was occupying himself with his phone and Axel was lost in space as usual, "I think so, yes." He rose from the wall and shifted his position slightly, "I know you're more perceptive than we give you credit for, Roxas. But some things just don't add up."

I sighed heavily, "Playing protector again, Cloud?"

"You know that man she calls her father never did so. Maybe he cared for her more so than the rest of us, but we all know who truly looks after her."

I crossed my arms over my chest, "A couple of nights ago, Axel, Zexion and Demyx took me out to a club for my birthday. You were tied up with the twins and Sora was playing housewife, so it was just supposed to be the four of us for the night. Sora's big mouth saddled us with Rikku for the night as well."

"…Go on."

"She got wasted. Gippal was with her and claimed he'd look after her, but she got away from him sometime during the night. I found her along with some seedy character who more than likely … drugged her drink." I murmured, feeling my chest constrict slightly as the words rolled off my tongue. Thinking about it now, there's no telling what could have possibly happened to Rikku if I hadn't found her when I did, "Axel and I took her back to our place and she's been with us ever since."

Cloud looked like he was processing everything I was saying and I was just waiting for the backlash to begin. He had a hard time keeping a clear head when it came to Rikku, "What else, Roxas?"

"She's been having meltdowns almost daily." I felt a sardonic smile edging at the corner of my lips, "Prompted me to talk about my own past and how it related to her present. And trust me when I say she's nowhere as bad. Anyway, I called Paine about the whole mess and she told me it was time that Rikku got help… and so we're here today. Long story short, Rikku was self destructing and I'm not going to stand around and let her do the same thing when I was her age, if not younger."

"Is that all?"

"That's the gist of it." I replied, "Anything else, you already know."

Cloud sighed, turning his eyes toward the fluorescent lighting of the ceiling, "I've been wondering why she's been hanging around you so much since she came back from London and it all makes sense."

"…What do you mean?"

"Sure, there was the odd time she went out with Sora once or twice. But, besides that, Rikku has only really kept in contact with you and mom over these past four months. I've had to fight just to get in a phone call with her. She's been elusive, Roxas. And it all makes sense." Cloud ran a stray hand through his hair, "…You know I've been thinking about what she said."

"About what?"

Cloud closed his eyes and sighed, "How we knew what was going on with you and we never did anything. …Why it took us so long to get help for you and the action we took for her was almost instantaneous."

Was it because I was hopeless? Because I didn't want to listen to anyone? Because I just wanted to die to keep the emptiness from suffocating me? Because I didn't want to get better? Because I thought I was just fine on my own? Because, because, because. There are so many reasons, so many fucking reasons and there was no way to pinpoint the exact one for Cloud's question.

"…You didn't wait long." I replied, "…There was Ansem in the beginning and … "

"I'm not talking about that, Roxas." Cloud interjected, "I'm talking about later on. When everything with Hayner surfaced and then you came to live with me."

Even then, they really hadn't gotten me help, had they? I was wrapped up tight, shoved into a neat little bundle and ported off in a plane to some obscure little rehabilitation ranch in northern Arizona. Excommunicated from the world at large for two and a half long ass months. I was sent away without being able to properly grieve the loss of the one person in the world who seemed to always have my back, who _knew_ me, who _understood_ me.

The one person who I was free to run the streets of Manhattan with, acting like a fool under the polluted city sky. The lights of 86th street fading away on a Lexington Ave 5 Express train bound for Brooklyn and a hazy night. Those stupid fucking drugs being pushed around in our veins, sinking into our clouded and fogged up brains. Didn't matter where, didn't matter when. We were always together, linked arm and arm until sinew and flesh were pulled apart. No judgment, just freedom.

I disappeared for so many nights under the guise of, "I'm going off to Hayner's house," and everyone turned a blind eye. Two rich kids fucking and getting fucked up, high off of every stupid drug that daddy and mommy's money could buy. That's all it was, that's all I became and everyone saw it. Everyone knew about it and they tried to talk about it. But, their voices were lost in the dull hum of my mind after that last line of white dust disappeared up a filthy, green rolled up bill.

But, I'll say this again for the last time. This wasn't about my fight. This was about Rikku.

"We shouldn't be focusing on me right now, Cloud." I cast my eyes toward the ground, shoving my hands into my pockets.

Cloud's fist hit the side of the wall and I nearly jumped, "Don't say that, Roxas. Don't say that!" He shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. I heard Sora go quiet and I thought I saw Axel's head quirk in our direction. Cloud lowered his voice, "Do you know how we still constantly worry about you? How we worry that any little thing will set you off again? That we care about you even though this family has always been shit at showing it?!"

…I don't think I ever heard Cloud talk to me in this way before … least of all, show me this much emotion.

"Cloud."

"I'm not done." He started again, "We may have had a shitty, and abusive absentee father and a mother who always tried her best, but it wasn't always enough. But, we _always_ had each other. No matter what happened, Roxas, we always had each other. We have each other." He placed both hands on my shoulders and shook me gently, "When I took you in after you came back from Arizona, I wanted to do something for you. Something our parents never have, never could have. And when I saw you getting worse, day by day, I thought there was nothing I could do. It was hopeless. Nothing could fix you; nothing could mend whatever was broken inside of you."

"I _know_, Cloud."

"I don't think you do, Roxas. I've always kept my distance with this family, but only with my parents. Never with you, Sora or Rikku. Sure, I may have my own family now, but the three of you will never stop being the three little siblings that I had to look out for over these past twenty years." He glanced over his shoulder, "…I've seen what happened with you and I don't want the same thing to happen to Rikku."

"We're two different cases." I began, placing my hands over where they were gripping firmly at my shoulders.

"The root remains the same." Cloud countered, "No one in this family knows how to deal with anything besides stuffing it down and ignoring it. We're all guilty of it and you know this."

"Rikku will have to come to grips with everything on her own terms." I began and sighed, "Cloud, we can't change the past. But we can make a better future for Rikku than I had… we'll be there for her. We'll make sure we're there for her. Now, please, let me go."

He stared at me for a moment and released his grip on my shoulders, "…I know we can't change the past."

"Then how much time are you going to spend trying to atone for everything that you did wrong?" I asked, rubbing at my biceps, "You did enough for me, Cloud. You did more than most people did …" I trailed off, glancing in the direction of the waiting room that wasn't obscured by the wall we were standing by. I caught Axel's gaze for a brief moment and looked away when Cloud turned around to look at what had caught my attention.

He turned back around to me, "...Four years later and we can't deny the change he's made in you."

"No, I changed myself." I corrected Cloud, "It's just knowing that someone is close by … someone still believes in you and won't give up on you. To see the better parts of you even at your worst. To keep going for you even when you feel like you've had enough. That's what it was … that's what it is."

"Love." Cloud murmured, closing his eyes.

"More than that." I said, "…It doesn't have a word in my opinion."

"Hm." Cloud opened his eyes, "…Perhaps it doesn't."

I heard a door open near us and a gasp that sounded oddly familiar. My mother was standing behind Cloud and I, looking like she hadn't gotten much sleep in the past twenty four hours.

"Cloud, I …" She began, "Roxas, when did you get here?"

"A little while ago." I said, turning around to face her.

I assumed Sora heard her voice because he appeared behind Cloud a few minutes later with Yuna at his side as well. "Mom!" He quickly rushed past me to give her a hug and she patted him on the back as if to silently tell him she was okay, "How is she? Can we see Rikku now?"

"She just woke up." My mother replied, "Please, give me a minute, though. I'll see if she's up to seeing all of you now. She may want to rest some more."

Sora nodded as she disappeared back into the room and then turned to Cloud and I, "Where's dad, Cloud?"

Cloud crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged, looking away from Sora, "Doesn't stay anywhere for too long if it doesn't profit him any, does he?"

"Rikku's sick!" Sora protested, "He should be here."

"Sora." I warned, glancing at my twin, "Don't. It's not the time for that sort of thing."

Sora frowned and sighed in defeat just as my mother appeared outside the door and waved us in. Sora was quick to grab Yuna and walk in past the two of us, the previous conversation all but forgotten. Cloud paused for a minute as he thought about walking in to the room and then turned to look at me.

"Roxas, when all of this is over, there's something I have to discuss with you."

"Something else?"

"Nothing like before," Cloud turned away from me, "…It's about the wedding."

"...Cloud?"

"...I was wondering ...if you would do me the honor of being my best man?"

Well that was one curve ball I hadn't foreseen.

"You don't have to answer me just yet. …Just think about it."

And with that, he disappeared into the room with Yuna, Sora and my mother. I sighed heavily and then turned to look over my shoulder at Axel and Riku who were talking to one another in the waiting area. It probably was for the best that they stayed behind on this one. Albeit, they cared for my little sister … but were more or less moral support for Sora and I at this point.

I sat down between the two of them just as Riku went back to occupying himself with his phone and Axel was staring off into space again.

"…So what was that about earlier?" Axel asked, closing his eyes and propping his feet up on a nearby table adorned with ripped and tattered medical magazines.

"I don't really know."

"Well, then. _That's_ a lie."

"It's not something we should talk about right now." I explained, "Save it for when we get home tonight."

"Hm, okay." Axel mumbled, "You sure you're not going to run off into the night again and forget to let someone know where you're going?"

"Don't start, Axel."

"Sure, sure." He craned his neck so he looked away from me, "It's not really important right now, anyway. Deal with your family and then we'll_ talk_."

"I'm sure we will."

"Hm."

I didn't have time for Axel's tantrums right now. I turned away from him to see Sora coming around the corner and waving at me to come to him. I rose from my seat and walked over to where he was standing, "What's wrong?"

"Rikku wants to see you …alone."

I saw my mother, Yuna and Cloud all leaving the room one by one and I sighed. I should have been expecting this. Sora smiled brilliantly at me, one of assurance no doubt, and walked past me to go sit by Riku in the waiting room. Cloud and Yuna passed by and then my mother.

"…Roxas."

"Don't worry."

I placed a hand reassuringly on her shoulder and then walked down the hallway to Rikku's room. When I opened the door, I found the lights were dimmed. The TV was on, but the sound was muted. Rikku was sitting up in her bed, IV's tapped into her arm and her hair falling over her shoulders and in her face. She was facing the window and I could see the harsh outline of her spine and rib cage in the small slit of her hospital gown.

"I was worried you weren't going to come." She began, turning around on the bed so she could face me, "Roxas, I can't begin to say how sorry—"

"I don't know to hear another apology, Rikku. I've heard enough of them tonight. Enough to last me a lifetime, really." I advanced toward her bed, "How are you feeling?"

"Like this is a dream." Rikku replied, turning away from me again, "…Wondering how I got here. How did it get this bad?"

"Hm."

"Dad left." She lowered her head, her hair obscuring her face, "He … I don't understand him, Roxas. He puts me up in this room and claims he wants to see me get better yet he never stays. He never fucking stays around to see anything happen!"

"You don't need him right now." I replied, coming to sit down next to her and reaching an arm around her shoulders, "You have us."

"No, no, no. That's not enough." Rikku shook her head, "All the time, all the _damn_ time, he only stays for a little while. It's only just to catch a glimpse of what's going on, but he never stays to see the whole fucking picture, Roxas. I'm sick of this." She turned to me, her green eyes wide in despair, "Why does he do this? Why can't he stay when we need him most?"

I used my thumb to wipe away at a tear that was bordering at the corner of one of her eyes, "It's not about him, Rikku. This is about you."

"But this is about all of you!" Rikku replied, "All of you and—"

"No, it's not." I interjected, "It's about you. Maybe you don't see it now ... but you will. You'll understand that it's not about mom and dad's divorce, or living in London, or living up to some great expectation no one is holding you to. It's about every little facet of yourself that you need to examine. It's about you realizing that this isn't how you have to go about things. This isn't how you're supposed to deal with things."

"But those were the things that caused this, Roxas. The reason I'm like this is because … because of all of that. All of those things that I couldn't control."

I sighed, "Rikku … when you get out of here … and you spend some time away from all of us, you're going to learn some things about yourself that you never knew existed. I don't know what they're going to be, but you'll find something deep within yourself that will draw you out of all of this. Something that will pull you out and make you see that there are things worth living for again."

"How can you say that? What if I'm not the same as you? What if I can't pull myself together after being like this for so long?"

"It won't be immediate. You'll probably fall flat on your face a ton of times before you're going to get it right." …God knows I did.

"And what if I don't?"

"You can't think that way." I replied, "...Listen, there was something that Axel told me a couple of years ago. It's something I always think about whenever things feel like they're going to shit and I need to bring myself back to Earth. He told me, '_Things aren't always going to be the same. Things have to change. It's either you adapt to the change or you end up destroying yourself. That's …just the way life is.'_ … You have to keep going for as long as you can. You can't just up and give up on everything. Life doesn't work that way."

She laughed gently through the tears that were gathering in her eyes, "Axel's just so wise isn't he?"

"He's an idiot most of the time. But, he does have his moments where he shines." I muttered to myself, "…And even if you try and give up on yourself, you have us. We're not going to give up on you. Hell, Cloud would sooner kill himself than give up on you. I don't think you realize just how much our emotionally constipated older brother loves you, kid."

"I'm not a kid." She protested, jabbing at my ribs, "…And I know that … but it's hard, Roxas. It's really hard when you're in this deep. But, you know that … right?"

"Yeah, I do." I replied, removing my arm from around her shoulders and folding them in the empty space between my thighs, "Took nearly the first quarter of my life to get it right."

"But the important thing … is that you did, right?"

"Yeah, guess so." I glanced at Rikku, "You'll be able to do it, too. I'm sure you will."

"Roxas, you always surprise me with how much faith you seem to have in people."

I ruffled her hair affectionately and she grumbled at me as she reached up to fix it, "…I honestly don't, Rikku. Not for everyone at least … but I'm trying."

"You could have had me fooled."

I sighed, "I see myself in others from time to time. Kind of a been there, done that sort of thing. I don't aim to help people … but I guess if they come to me, I don't refuse them."

"Like all of us?" Rikku questioned, "You've helped out mom so much this winter … and me too. Sometimes I feel guilty for all that we've asked from you in these past few months when you already have so much to contend with."

"It's …"

I almost said it was nothing … but that would have been a lie. One big festering lie swimming in the swollen belly of a corpse's gut. When I swallowed, my throat felt dry.

I placed a hand on top of her head again, "It's fine. I would never leave the two of you when you needed me the most. ...But, you should get some sleep now. It's getting late."

She crossed her arms over her chest and groaned, "Roxas, that's all I've been doing since I got here."

"You've only been here for one day."

"One day too many!" She protested and then sighed, "I suppose you're right … the nurse will probably be around the check on me soon and they'll probably want to kick all of you out except mom. You'll come back and visit me tomorrow?"

I sighed. I couldn't refuse the helpless puppy dog eyes she was giving me, "After I get out of class, yes. I'll come back to see you for a little while."

She giggled and gave me a childish, dimpled smile, "Good. I'll let you go. … Can you send mom back in?"

"Sure." I rose from the bed and Rikku rolled over and draped one of the blankets across her legs.

"…Roxas?" She called back to me to her bedside.

"Yes?"

"One day …I'll look back at all of this and remember what you did for me, you know? I may be mad with you right now." She was still mad? Huh, it didn't show. "Well … not mad, but upset about the situation as it is right now. But I'll be thankful for this when I'm old and grey and on my death bed cursing the world to damnation."

"…Old and grey, Rikku?"

"I'm exaggerating, but I think you get the point." She hesitated for a minute, before rising up and threw her arms around me in a tight embrace. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then leaned her chin on my shoulder to whisper in my ear, "I love you, Roxas. And thank you … for everything you've done."

She squeezed me tighter as I hugged her back and I felt something warm building in my chest. I placed a hand on my little sister's head and smiled slightly, "Love you too, Rikku."

My sister wasn't out of the woods, but this was a start. A rocky one, but it was better than nothing. My mother walked in on the two of us a few minutes later and wouldn't stop going on about wishing she had a camera to take a picture of the two of us. After a few words with her, getting bitched out by the night nurse and saying goodbye to my little sister, I was out of the room and in the waiting room with Riku, Sora, Cloud, Axel and Yuna again.

After an exchanging of words, it was decided that Yuna was going to stay with Cloud at his place, so the two of them left together. Sora and Riku left for the Upper West Side and Axel and I caught a downtown train back to Union Square. He was quiet, too quiet for my liking and I could feel there was a ton of shit he had to say the minute the two of us were alone. I didn't like it. This wasn't the Axel I was used to and I was getting tired of it.

Needless to say, I wasn't surprised in the least when the culmination of the tension occurred the minute I set foot in the threshold of the loft.


	19. When The Levee Breaks

**19; when the levee breaks**

Axel was already unzipping his jacket and flinging his keys halfway across the living room when we stepped into the loft. I had just closed and locked the door behind us as I heard him ripping through our bedroom. When he reentered, he was banging a pack of cigarettes into his left hand.

There was something awkward about his posture as he stood in the center of the living room flicking the lighter to life over the cigarette he plugged into his mouth. He'd mostly quit smoking ever since the mess with the vocal cyst a couple of years ago. But I knew he fell back on it from time to time. Like an old crutch that kept him supported when he needed it the most.

"I have a right to be angry, don't I?"

"I don't know, _do_ you?"

He stared at me for a minute, cigarette smoke wafting up into the air as he held the cancer stick between two spindly fingers. "Four in the morning… imagine yourself waking up at four in the morning and you turn over in bed and you find that it's cold and empty. I'm not in the bathroom, the guest room or the living room at that. My phone is still here. Don't even have enough common courtesy to leave you a note. Gone. I'm _gone_."

I walked over to the kitchen island and placed my keys down on the smooth counter top. I mounted one of the seats and clasped my hands together, "It's not the first time I've done it."

"So that makes it okay, Roxas?"

"Don't put words in my mouth." I ran my thumb over the tip of one of my fingers, "Look, I'm sorry I left so suddenly. I shouldn't have done that, I know. But you don't understand what my mind was like last night." I looked up at him, "It was something I couldn't talk to you about. Or rather, I'm exhausted talking to you about it all the time."

"So you go off to Ansem? The better alternative?" He mused, looking up at the ceiling and not meeting my eyes.

"I never _said_ he was the better alternative. But I load you down with so much all the time that I get …" I paused, folding my hands, "I need to learn what it is to find the answers for myself. Don't think I don't appreciate you or that …that I'm throwing away everything you've done for me and still continue to do. You know as well as I do how far away from the truth that is."

"Then _what_ is it, Roxas?"

I watched him settle down on the couch and remove an ash tray from one of the stands next to it, "I'm twenty three and I'm not a child anymore." I said, "I'm not that screwed up kid that I used to be. And I can't run to you every time something falls apart and expect you to fix it for me. I should have enough common sense …enough intelligence to know how to fix things for myself."

"But you didn't fix it by yourself. You ran off to Ansem and left all of us back here in the loft scrambling in the aftermath." He leaned forward, his back was hunched and his hands were between his legs, "When we couldn't find you, Sora thought you ran off again. He went as far to think you attempted suicide, Roxas. That's how fucking worried everyone was about you! And I don't think you realize just how scared shitless we fucking were last night!"

His fist met the coffee table, but I barely flinched.

"And now you're sitting here and doing that god damn thing you do when you go off in your fucking head and you sit there and you look like a fucking zombie and **_you don't talk to anyone_**."

"Maybe because I'm sick of talking." I replied, feeling my mouth twitch slightly into what would have been a sneer if I allowed myself to be angry, "But I can't say the same for you these days. You're so worried about fixing me all the time that you don't even bother to take a moment to look inside yourself."

His eyes narrowed slightly, "What the _hell_ is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not accusing you of anything … I'm just saying that I'm not the only one around here that's going through changes, Axel." I began. I was trying to tread carefully before I delved any deeper. "And don't look at me like you don't what I'm talking about. The focus is always on me when it shouldn't be. Yes, I ran off to Ansem. Yes, I don't tell people what's on my mind all the time. Yes, I'm guilty of losing myself and going off into my head constantly, but I _never_ lie about how I'm feeling."

That was definitely the wrong thing to say because he stuck a fresh cigarette into his mouth, picked up the ash tray and sat down across from me on the island, "Wanna continue to enlighten me, Roxas?"

"Last November you lost someone really important to you and … and you never dealt with it properly." I was stepping into dangerous territory, but at this point I didn't care. "When my parents divorced, you were like my shadow. Trailing after me and making sure I was okay at my every waking moment. My mother comes to stay with us and my older brother argues with me, you're there to coax me out of self deprecation. My sister goes to treatment for her disorder and you're there to try and make sure I don't bring any harm to myself …" I looked Axel in the eyes, "You're so focused on trying to fix me that you can't see how badly you've been falling apart over the course of these last few months."

Axel laughed sardonically, throwing his head back and covering his face with his hands as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I don't believe this, Roxas. You turn this whole conversation around on me as if I'm the one with …" He turned back to look at me, "Did good old Dr. Wise put you up to this?"

"No, Axel, I—"

"You know, despite what you think …these past four years with you haven't been easy. Sure, there's been more good than bad. But let's not sugar coat things for what they are, right?" He moved to light his cigarette and took a long drag, "There've been sacrifices made on both our parts to make all of this work, and I like to keep myself at a level that's comfortable."

"So that means not talking to me?"

"That means dealing with things on my own terms, just as you deal with yours." He flicked the cigarette, "And matters concerning my family are _touchy_, if you haven't noticed. I'd rather not deal with that shit show unless I have to. You should know all about that, right Rox?"

I took a deep breath. "There's no way you'd talk about Reno and your grandmother like that. Axel, the only person you're referring to is your mother." I looked up at him, "I can't imagine what she put you through and I'm not asking you to run head first into a relationship with the woman. But … but if there's something …I don't know. Just _talk_ to me. Let me know what's going on in your head."

He paused, taking long drags from his cigarette before he spoke again, "…"

"Axel."

"He left." Axel began. I could hear a slight tremble in his voice, "…He left without saying goodbye. Just as my father did. They both left, leaving behind someone who still needed them. Their work … they still had more to do. There was _still_ so much more for them to do."

I stayed silent, unsure of what I should say.

"Experiencing death twice and not being able to say goodbye. The feeling of having someone snatched away from you when you need them most. Knowing that the reaper concealed himself at the heels of your life for so long, just biding his time … waiting for a chance to strike. He brings that scythe down and tears through the fabric of your being." Axel shook his head, "I can't possibly explain to you what that's like."

"Axel, that's not true, I—"

"No, you _don't_ KNOW." He turned around to look at me, "Look at you, Roxas. Your family may be shitty, but at least you **HAVE ONE**. The only blood I've got left in this world is my fucking brother and grandmother. You've got a full set of siblings and parents. You're not some charity case orphan your grandparents picked up because your mother was too much of a fucked up whore to take care of you!"

"But—"

"Do you understand? _THEY'RE ALL I HAVE IN THIS WORLD_."

What happened to the two of us?

Where did I come into this equation?

"Sure …I have you, Roxas." He pointed at me, cigarette nearly burning the back of his hand. His voice was trembling before, but it was growing slightly subdued. Like he was trying to process what he was going to say next. Like he was unsure of himself. "But who's to say that you're always going to be there? Who's to say I won't wake up again and find the bed fucking empty like I did the other night? Who's to say I won't find you dead somewhere?

…He was afraid of me dying?

He completely ignored me and pushed another cigarette into the ash tray, after plugging another into his mouth to light up, "I keep having these nightmares and I think that one day … one day maybe you'll relapse again. That you'll get sick of dealing with whatever is going on in your head. You'll go back to those days of boozing and drugging like you used to talk about. God, I didn't know you back then but I can only imagine what you might have done…" He turned to look at me, his eyes glassy, "It's always in the old apartment. Good old 525 East 80th Street. …I'll spare you the details … but I'm always the one to find your body. It's the same damn dream over and over again and it won't stop."

"Axel…"

"Is that good enough for you, Roxas?" He asked, "My father died and I can't even remember him. My grandfather dies and I don't even get to say goodbye to him. …And I just can't fucking … " Axel turned away from me, puffing on the cigarette before mumbling, "I'm fucking messed up right now in the head … yeah, so what. Always have been. Probably always will be. But talking doesn't help me."

"You're telling me that standing here and telling me all of this doesn't help in the slightest?"

"It makes me feel worse." Axel replied, "Makes me feel weak. Yeah, go on. I'm a big ass hypocrite always going on about letting people know how you're feeling. But that shit doesn't work for me. I figure stuff out in my own head and act accordingly."

Why are we so fucked up?

Why did everything have to be so fucked up right now when it was fine for the last two years?

"You can't fix this, Roxas."

"Aren't you the one that always says you should try?"

"Everything … everyone has their limits."

"This is bullshit. This entire thing is bullshit." I said and he turned to look at me, "You can't just stand there and expect me just accept all of this as it is."

"Roxas, I'm asking you to leave it be. Please, for your sake and my own."

"No." I got down off of my chair by the island and rounded the structure, "It's not fair …it's not fair and it's not right how you think you can just barge into my life and change everything. To let me know that it's okay that I'm a fuckup. At least I've always got **one** person in my corner."

"Roxas."

"Don't fucking cut me off, dammit!" I seethed, "How do you justify any of this? Are you even listening to yourself?!"

"Yeah. I am." He said, "Life waits for no one and makes no excuses for the lies it sews into the finite portions of our lives. I'm human. It's natural that I fear the unknown … death … living … everything that encompasses the human experience. There's no shame in admitting that you're afraid of it all. But I'm not going to stand around and spend my time talking about shit that I can't change."

"So that's it? Your grandfather dies and you just lose it? You give up on yourself? You give up on me?" I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. All that bullshit about staying positive about life. Accepting things for what they were, but also trying to make them better.

Where had all of that gone? What was I seeing right now? Who was I talking to right now?

"_Roxas_. I'm going to ask you one last time to drop this." He turned back to look at me, his eyes slowly lowering and growing more narrow by the minute.

"No." I said, "I'm tired of being forced to back down when everyone wants me to. Do this, Roxas. Don't do that, Roxas. Are you sure that's a good idea, Roxas? You wanted to talk about why I left for Ansem's house and I told you why with a straight face. Is it so much to ask something of you? To ask why you've been so vacant in these last four months? Is it so much to receive something when I've given so much in return?" I gestured around the loft, "That's all I've been doing! Is giving and giving and giving until I have nothing left to give."

"…If you've felt like you've been used, you have a right to say no."

"Oh, but when I do that … Roxas is being stuck up and antisocial again. Roxas, you've come such a long way and we don't want you to regress into that self prick bastard you used to be. Roxas, you just understand me so fucking much. Open yourself up to everyone Roxas and _SAVE US ALL_."

"Just what do you want me to do, Roxas?" Axel asked, folding his arms over his chest.

"_I DON'T KNOW_!" I finally screamed, "I DON'T KNOW. I don't know what to do with you! Or Rikku! Or my mother or my brothers or _anyone_ anymore! I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know! I don't know why we're even arguing right now!" I fisted my hands in my hair and turned around to look at him, "All I want is one person. ONE PERSON who won't lie to me. I want one person to tell me the truth and that was supposed to be you. But you're hiding underneath a pile of lies just like everyone else I know!"

"Roxas, I told you what you wanted to hear from me." He stated, "What more can I tell you? I'm just as flawed as you are, shitty past and all. I have horrible coping abilities and resort to old crutches to get me through at times. We're humans that can't control anything in this life. So? I haven't been myself lately. Well, according to you at least. Is it so much that we stop beating this subject to death?"

"You're doing it again." I said, "You're doing it again and it's pissing me the fuck off."

"What, Roxas? What?"

"TALK. Tell me what's going on inside your head!" I shouted, "Does that sound familiar at all?"

Axel laughed again, a heavy and bitter tone in his voice. "I've talked enough. I'm all talked out, Roxas." He lifted the cigarette up to his mouth, "You know …you've changed a lot in these last four years, Rox. We've changed a lot."

"Really?" I asked, balling my fists, "Because how you're acting right now doesn't indicate any change."

"Well then, that's the pot calling the kettle black."

"So I ran away to Ansem. So what. I told you why I did it. At least I talk to you and communicate to some degree. I don't think you realize just how hard that's been over these last couple of years. Not just with you, but with everyone."

The sudden drop in Axel's tone chilled my blood.

"How many times are you going to keep using that as a crutch to validate how you act? Are you going to keep bringing up my past with my mother, even though we completely ignore the issue of your past with your father or Xemnas for that matter?"

What was happening…?

…This whole situation was spiraling dangerously out of control.

What was going on?

…Why was this happening?

"…"

He seemed to realize the weight of his words before I even said anything.

"Fucking hell, Roxas. Shit, that came out wrong. I—"

"Fuck **you**."

"Roxas."

"Don't... fucking come _near_ me." I backed away slowly, "And don't you _dare_ touch me."

He stabbed out his cigarette and quickly tried to follow me, "Roxas, I'm sorry. Shit, will you wait for two—"

I cut him off by punching him square in his stupid face.

I left him behind in the kitchen, promptly exiting through the living room and down the hallway to our bedroom.

I didn't care to hear what he had to say.

I didn't want to hear what he had to say.

I didn't want to talk and try and fix things anymore.

No one was in my corner for any of this and I would have to stand alone in whatever personal war I was trying to wage against a world that had turned its back on me. I tuned Axel out and locked the bedroom door behind me after he banged on it and yelled at me to come out and talk. It was all too much. All of this was too much and I couldn't deal with it.

My relationship with Axel.

My sister, her eating disorder and going into treatment.

My parent's divorce.

My brother's wedding.

Everyone constantly worrying about their lives and always looking for me to solve their problems. What happened to the days where everyone simply ignored my existence? When Hayner was still around, nothing like this ever happened. I flew under the radar and no one questioned me. People barely acknowledged me. I lost myself in a haze of drugs and I was content like that. I was happy. I didn't have to answer for my mistakes or the choices that I made. So what if I was young and stupid? I was young, stupid and content.

All this responsibility ... I couldn't handle it.

I couldn't deal with it.

...And that night I had finally reached my breaking point and collapsed under the weight of it all.


	20. Dystopia

**20; dystopia**

_"Your parents are going to bust us so bad."_

_"Open the window, Roxas. Pence, shut up and close my fucking door."_

_"We're going to get caught guys. We shouldn't be doing this."_

_"You're being paranoid and we haven't even started smoking yet."_

_"This is stupid. Why are we doing this anyway?"_

_"Aren't you curious?"_

_"Uh, duh."_

_"Okay, so shut up."_

_"Who'd you get this stuff from, anyway?"_

_"Seifer."_

_"No way, I thought you guys stopped talking to one another."_

_"Yeah, well. He knows people."_

_"Do you even know how to roll?"_

_"I've got a bong, dipshit."_

_"So you have done this before."_

_"No, duh. Now shut the fuck up already and sit your ass down."_

-x-

_"I had sex with Naminé."_

_"Dude. Shit. Can we say, score?"_

_I grimaced at Hayner and shook my head, "It wasn't that great."_

_"Well what the fuck did you do wrong? Did you even get a boner? Put it in the right hole?" Hayner slapped me on the shoulder, "Don't you pay attention to the stuff they teach us in health?"_

_"…"_

_"Roxas?"_

_"It didn't feel right."_

_"Well you must have done it wrong."_

_No, he didn't understand. "Hayner, I'm not incompetent. I knew what to do."_

_"Then what's the problem, man?"_

_I shrugged, "It just … didn't feel right."_

-x-

_I was fifteen and we were at a party at someone's loft out in Queens._

_All I remember from that night was opening the bathroom door of the master suite to find Hayner hovering over a topless girl in the clawfoot bathtub with blood leaking out of her nose._

_"We need to get the fuck out of here. Now."_

_He pushed me away before I got to see more and forced me outside into the bitter winter cold so we could hail a cab back into Manhattan. He pushed a piece of tin foil into my lap and told me to eat up. It was the first time I ever tried shrooms._

-x-

_"Lonely?" Hayner snickered, exhaling a large cloud of smoke into the air. "How do you ever get lonely, Roxas? You've got three siblings and your mother is always around to listen to you bitch and complain about life. How can that be lonely?"_

_He passed me the spliff and I sighed, "That's just it."_

_"Just what?" He asked, "At least one of your parents is around and you've got other people to occupy the space in your house. It's just me all by my lonesome with stupid maids and butlers all over the place._

_I sighed, "You don't get it."_

-x-

_He had me pinned against the door of his bedroom, mouth on my neck and his hands desperately fisting the inside of my jeans. What the fuck were we doing?_

-x-

_"Sora told me you were ditching school again." Cloud was standing in the doorway of the room I shared with Sora, arms crossed over his chest. There wasn't an accusatory tone in his voice, but I knew he meant business._

_"And just where did he hear that pretty little lie from?" I asked, looking up from my laptop._

_He held up a paper in his hand, "I received confirmation from your math and history teachers. They called not too long ago to say that you were missing in both your sixth and seventh period classes."_

_"Maybe they need to get their vision checked because I was." I shrugged._

_"Roxas."_

_"Are you trying to threaten me, Cloud? It won't work."_

-x-

_I lifted the half empty bottle of gin to my lips, my head lolling back into Hayner's bean bag chair and glanced at the clock overhead. 12:36AM. Hayner was sitting to the left of me, hunched over with a bong balanced on his lap. He exhaled, falling languidly into his couch and turned to look at me._

_"So, yeah. Sorry I couldn't get you any flakes, man. Van's out this weekend. Can you believe this shit?"_

_"What's going on?"_

_"I don't know. Some dumb college shit. Told me he'd hook me up when he got back," Hayner laughed, "Though you seem to be getting along pretty well with that bottle, huh? What's up with you today? You sounded like shit before you came over."_

_"Cloud's on my fucking case again."_

_Hayner paused, "Why? What happened?" The bong flickered to life again._

_"Same old shit. He knows I've been ditching and threatened to tell mom or some shit," I set the bottle down on my side, "She won't care. She's too busy trying to prevent marital suicide."_

_"Woah, woah, woah. Hold up. Your parents aren't getting a divorce, are they?"_

_I laughed loudly, doubling over at the absurdity of his question, "Hayner, are you serious? Do you honestly think my father would ruin his façade of a less than perfect family? Come on, get real." I waved my hand dismissively, "I mean she's so wrapped around my father's little fingers that my mother doesn't have time to worry about whatever stupid shit her kids are doing."_

_"Ah." He set the bong down and turned down the blaring rap on the stereo when he heard knocking on his door, "The fuck do you want, Katherine?!"_

_The door opened and Olette poked her head in and Hayner relaxed, "You really should be nicer to your maid, Hayner."_

_"Ah, fuck! Bout time you two delinquents made it." He frowned, "And fuck her. That bitch needs to keep her nose out of shit that doesn't concern her." He brought the bong up to his mouth again and lit it._

_Olette laughed as she stepped into Hayner's room and Pence appeared in the doorway behind her. He reached into the front pocket of his vest and produced a baggie filled with white powder, "20g's, man."_

_"No fucking way, from who!? Vanitas is out of the city for the weekend!"_

_I immediately rose from the beanbag and walked over to Pence, "It's legit?"_

_"A present from Xion. Don't get used to it, she says." Olette answered._

_"That girl always manages to come through even when her stupid brother doesn't." Hayner chimed in from the couch._

_"Shit," I murmured. "Is this all for us to split?"_

_For you, Olette and Hayner." Pence answered, pushing the bag into my hand. "You know I don't touch this stuff, Roxas."_

_"Hey, more for us, right?" Hayner set the bong down on the table in front of him and walked over to his dresser. He pulled a box from the top drawer and walked back over to the couch. Olette had already sat down beside Pence who was unrolling another bag from his vest and set it on the table._

_"You get a new grinder man?"_

_"Nah," Hayner set the box down and gestured toward it. Olette opened it, removing two cards and a razor, "Not since that last fucking party at Van's place. Can't believe I lost that shit, either."_

_Pence shrugged, "I hate doing it with scissors."_

_Hayner shrugged, "Well, that'll just have to suffice this time."_

_"You two are ridiculous." Olette sighed, divvying up the portions of coke on the glass table._

_Hayner plopped down on the opposite side of the table and opened up his wallet. He threw three one hundred dollar bills onto the glass surface and I looked up at him incredulously, "Do you always have to be so extra?"_

_"I'd rather not have money that touched the ass crack of some whore touching my nose."_

_"What if she was an expensive whore?" Olette asked, mirthfully._

_"Don't press your luck tonight, Tilmitt."_

_I sighed, taking the razor and cutting my first line._

_They always talked too much when we were trying to get high._

-x-

_"Check it out, Roxas. Front page of a tabloid." Hayner tossed the offending magazine onto the table and I picked it up, "They'll learn to shut their mouth when I'm done with them."_

-x-

_"I'm thinking of running away."_

_Hayner and I were laying in his bed, naked as the day we were born. His hand was currently wrapped around my dick, as he nuzzled his way into crevice between my neck and my shoulder._

_"How could you possibly be thinking of that when you should be focused on what I'm doing to you right now?"_

_I turned to look at him, "You've thought about it too."_

_"Yeah, but not while we're fucking." He moved his hand from underneath the covers and pushed himself up on his elbows so he could look down at me, "What's on your mind?"_

_"You ever get sick at looking at Manhattan's skyline?" I asked, glancing overhead at the window above his headboard. A cool summer breeze blew in threw his open windows, ruffling the dark curtains that framed the window. "We could be anywhere in the world besides this god forsaken city. Anywhere at all, Hayner. In two years we can pick up and leave and we won't have to look back."_

_"We'll be followed." He sighed, rolling over onto his back so he could stare at the ceiling, "With our social circle we will always be followed."_

_"Then we'll move to the middle of nowhere. We'll move to some no name town in America's heartland where the population barely reaches five hundred. We'll go to some place where the last names Ardenwell and Mason have absolutely no weight at all."_

_"Sounds nice." Hayner mused, "Think it's possible?"_

_"I know it is."_

_"Then let's make a plan here and now to leave New York. When we're eighteen, right after graduation. We'll stop all this stupid drugging and partying and find something else out there for ourselves. Whatever we're missing, we'll find it together, right?"_

_"Only if you believe."_

_"What do we have to lose, Roxas?"_

_Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all._

-x-

_"Hold on, Roxas. Just hold on."_

_My vision was misted by the liquid spilling out of my eyes. Blinking only made it worse as my lashes became matted together, mixing with the salty stickiness of my tears. Shaking my head, I pushed down the need to hiccup as I attempted to control my breathing. Hayner was at my side, hands circling around the length of my arms, eyes scrutinizing and careful of the pressure he was applying. At his side was an unraveled roll of gauze wrap, medical tape and hydrogen peroxide._

_"Too tight?" He asked, peering at me._

_I shook my head and he continued to wrap the gauze around my arm, making sure it was tight enough to stop the bleeding on my wrist, but not so much that it would cut off my circulation. Finally, he secured it with a few pieces of medical tape, and set my arm down so I could pull my sleeve back down to cover the dressing._

_I looked up at him sheepishly as he set to work moving the various objects that littered his bed away from the both of us. He tugged on my free arm, and I looked up at him. His eyes were focused on me, stern yet soft and concerned. "Talk to me, Roxas."_

_"Where do I start?"_

_"…Tell me everything. We have all night."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."_

_"I'm fucked up." I said, "I'm fucked up and absolutely nothing can fix it. Not you, not my family, not my siblings, not a fucking therapist, medication … drugs … alcohol. Nothing can fix this fucking shit that's constantly clawing at my heart and wanting to get out."_

_"Roxas, Roxas, Roxas. Come on, breathe, man. What happened?"_

_"I saw him."_

_"Saw who?"_

_"…Him." I repeated, "I saw him. On the street the other day. Broad daylight, walking around without a care in the world."_

_"…Was it a dealer? Look, do you owe someone money? You know I got you right? If it's—"_

_"I fucking saw Xemnas, Hayner."_

-x-

_"What the **fuck** is wrong with you!"_

_It was 5AM and Hayner and I were leaving Brooklyn in the backseat of some yellow taxi headed back for the Upper East Side. I was coming down off of my high but Hayner was still buzzing, drawing nonsensical shapes in the space between us._

_"Chilllllllll, Roxas."_

_"Don't fucking tell me to chill!" I shouted, slapping his hand off the seat and shaking his shoulder so that he looked at me. His eyes could barely focus, "Look at you! You're so fucking wasted right now; do you even how much you took?!"_

_He shrugged his shoulders, "Sommeethin'… shits gurrrrr-rateeeee!"_

_I glanced at the cabbie who seemed to be ignoring our whole tirade in his backseat. I turned back to Hayner who was now staring out the window, the Brooklyn Bridge passing us by, "You always fucking do this. Always taking shit to the limit without any regard to how others will feel about it." I shook his shoulder again, "Do you have any idea how dangerous what you did tonight was?"_

_"Chill, man s'allright." Hayner murmured with his eyes closed, "Know wha' a'm doin'."_

_"I don't think you do." I pulled my hand away from his shoulder._

_He shrugged his shoulders, slinking a hand in my direction and gripped onto my thigh. His brown eyes were mellow, "Don' be uptigh', 'oxas. Don'. You're the ooonnnllyy one tha' les me do this."_

_I looked down at his hand and then up at Hayner, "Promise me you'll stop?"_

_"Promis."_

-x-

_"I had nowhere else to go."_

_"But, I'm glad you came to me."_

_"But you're just as wrapped up in all of this shit as the rest of us." I stuck the clove into my mouth and lit up. "Yet somehow you manage to stay away from the most horrible parts."_

_"It's a matter of knowing your limits, Roxas. Something most people in our circle don't seem to understand or comprehend."_

_"…What were you doing with twenty grams of coke, then?"_

_"My brother leaves me with stuff to divvy or use at my personal discretion. What was I going to do with that much cocaine, Roxas?" Xion raised an eyebrow, "I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm just trying to escape from reality every once in awhile."_

_"Tell that to Hayner. Sometimes … sometimes he takes it too far."_

_"Too far, how?"_

_I glanced down at the clove balanced between my fingers and then up at Xion who raised her eyebrows inquisitively, "He's spiraling downward… faster and faster. He's slowly slipping out of my grip. Last weekend we went to this party … a rave out in Brooklyn. He popped five doves in one night. FIVE, Xion."_

_She nodded her head in understanding, tapping her cigarette into the ashtray between the two of us, "Did he get them from Lexaeus?"_

_"I don't know who he got them from but the next thing I knew was that when I found him, he was in the bathroom sniffing lines off the toilet seat with some random and about to get his dick blown and—" I pulled hard on the clove, letting the smoke fill my lungs until I couldn't take it anymore, "What would have happened had I not been there?"_

_"But you were." Xion said, "And that's what matters. Just don't leave him alone, Roxas. He's going through something right now and he feels as if he has to prove a point. To who, I don't know. But …just be there. Be there by his side and make sure he doesn't destroy himself in the end."_

_"I'll try, Xion."_

-x-

_He overdosed the very next night._

-x-

I woke up to the sun peaking over the cold horizon the next morning. The sunlight painted the room in a firey red haze. I didn't want to face the world just yet. I glanced up at my alarm clock. Two hours until I had to be to class and twenty four hours since my life had gone into a spiral of perpetual shit.

My head wasn't on straight after spending my entire night dreaming about the past with Hayner. I already knew what my mind was telling me, but it wasn't the same. Axel wasn't Hayner. They weren't the same. They weren't fucking the same. Maybe they occupied the same spot in my life at one point or another, but they weren't the same person. They weren't, they weren't, they weren't.

There was scratching at the bedroom door. Soro.

I got out of bed, ignoring the dog for a minute and rounded the corner to the kitchen. Axel was sitting at the island, a mug of coffee in front of him and a half melted ice pack to the left of his hand. He turned to look at me, eyes somewhat hollowed and tired. He turned away, taking a sip of his coffee and set the mug back down in front of him.

"I'm going to California." Synonymous with running away. "Gonna go stay with Reno for awhile. I think it'll be for the best."

"…For how long?"

"A month? Maybe two?" He finally looked at me, "I just need to get out of here. New York is fucking with my head, Rox. It's … there's too much shit here and I can't be here anymore. At least … I need to leave for a little while."

"…"

"It's okay if you don't know what to say. …I really don't either." He murmured, stepping down off the stool, "I just think …"

"What?"

He paused and then looked up at me, "I need space."

I _need_ **space**.

Those are the words people say when they don't want to be truthful with you. When they don't know how else to convey that your relationship is falling to shit and they're exhausted with trying to save it. I need space because I can't fix you. I can't fix myself. We can't make this work because we're both too fucked up. Oh, and the last four years have been a lie. A lie I've been begging you to wake up from, but you were too stupid to heed the warnings.

You want to put distance between us because you realize that if you can't save yourself, you can't save me. And that would make all the moments that you've spent with me a lie. You realize that you're just a small, tiny human being incapable to saving another, much less yourself. So you need space.

You need space because you're still that same small child clinging onto the hem of your mother's skirt. Tiny hands gripping at everything that you thought were truths in your life, but ended up being lies you sewed into the fabric of a shattered reality. My reality. _Our_ reality.

When I didn't say anything, he broke the silence. "I'm sorry last night escalated into what it was."

"I don't want to hear another apology, Axel." I felt my heart catching in my throat, "I'm sick of apologies."

"No apologies then," Axel stuck his hands into the pockets of the back of his jeans, "My flight leaves tonight. Zexion is taking me to the airport."

"So this is it?"

"For now." Axel replied, "Let me figure things out away from all the craziness surrounding me here. I promise you it'll be better, Rox."

I threw my hands up in defeat and turned my back to him, "Do whatever, Axel. Really, just go and do what you feel is right. I don't have time for this."

"I'm not arguing with you, Roxas." He replied, softly as I turned away.

"Good. No sense arguing with the dead, anyway."

I left Axel in the kitchen and headed back for the bedroom so I could get ready for class. I wasn't going to spend my morning arguing with a person who refused to talk. There were other matters that needed my attention and I wasn't going to expend any more energy trying to fix a situation that wasn't going to get better any time soon.

When I came back into the living room, he was nowhere to be found.

I found his promise ring resting on the coffee table and a small note tucked underneath.

_I'm sorry._

-x-

I knocked furiously on the door to my brother's apartment right, willing myself to take deep breaths and to calm myself down.

Riku answered the door, seemingly started by my arrival. Sora was knocking his way into the fray not a second later, pulled me inside and slammed the door behind us. I fell apart the minute Sora enveloped me in a bone crushing hug.

"He didn't even fucking try." I gasped for breath, burying my face into my twin's neck. "It's like he just fucking threw in the towel and didn't give a damn about anything, Sora."

"Shh, I know, I know." He threaded his fingers into my hair and sighed heavily.

"I'm not _built_ like everyone else, Sora." I muttered, "I don't feel as easily, give as easily. I'd rather spend the day inside my head than deal with the bullshit people constantly spew out into the world. If I want to be there for you, don't fucking shoot me in the heart and carve away at my innards with knives until there's nothing left."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't fucking say anything! He said nothing was wrong. That we needed to focus on me and my problems. He wanted to deal with everything on his own." I turned away from Sora's neck and rested my head on his shoulder, "As if I'm the one that always needs fixing. I hate that, I hate that dumb shit so much that it infuriates me to think that he still thinks that way about me. I'm not some broken toy that has to be sewn back together again."

Sora rubbed his hand along my back and nodded solemnly, "The people we love are the ones that hurt us the most."

"Don't you think I know that?" I shot back, "That doesn't make this shit any better or hurt any less."

"Shhh, I know. It'll be okay, Roxas."

Sora pulled away slowly and I eased off his shoulder. He smiled gingerly before taking both of my hands and leading me over to the couch to sit down. I collapsed wearily into the plush velvet sofa and Sora settled in on my left side. Riku came out of the kitchen with a tray of mugs containing hot chocolate and set them down on the coffee table in front of us.

Sora picked up a mug and pushed it into my hands, "Here, drink this."

"Sora."

"Please, Roxas? You'll feel a lot better." He smiled warmly and picked up his own mug, "Right, Riku?"

I glanced at Riku who sat down on my right side and picked up the last mug, "Maybe not completely…"

"Riku." Sora huffed, nearly scalding himself with the hot chocolate as he dropped his hands to his lap.

"…But chocolate is known to be a mood enhancer, so it can't hurt Roxas."

Sora mellowed out a bit more once he heard the last of Riku's statement, "See? Please, Roxas?"

I sighed heavily and blew generously on the liquid before taking a sip.

"How is it?"

"Good." I replied blandly. I stared down at the mug and sighed again. My mind was just a sea of nothing. Blank, unoccupied, vacant, "What is this anyway?"

"Godiva." Sora answered cheerfully, "Do you like it?"

I shrugged, "S'okay."

Sora set his mug down on the table and folded his hands in his lap, "How are you feeling now?"

"Like shit."

"Well… I guess that's a start."

I took another sip from my mug, "…This morning I went to class and pushed it out of my mind like nothing happened. But then I came back to the loft and it was so empty. _Quiet_. Nothing save for Soro wandering around frantically looking for Axel." I stared down into my mug, "I called mom. Lost it. Was okay for maybe another hour before I called her back and lost it again. I asked her to come and take Soro for me. Then I came up here."

"What about Cloud?"

"…No, Sora." I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"But you know he would want to—"

"Sora. Cloud is _horrible_ with dealing with this type of stuff. He's worse than I am."

"All right, all right." Sora leaned back into the couch, "So what exactly happened?"

"It was a downhill argument that only got worse when Axel brought up our father and Xemnas." I said coldly, "That's the gist of it."

"Did he … apologize?"

"I don't want to hear anymore apologies. I've got enough to last me a lifetime, Sora." I looked down into my mug, "I was so stressed out that I dreamed about Hayner for the first time in I don't know how long."

"Seriously?"

"Did the whole walk down memory lane last night." I shrugged my shoulders, "Guess my mind was trying to psyche me out with the parallels between the two of them. But it's not the same."

"Yeah, you and Axel have a chance of patching things up, you know?"

"He's right, Roxas." Riku chimed in appropriately.

I sipped from my mug again and hung my head, "…He left the promise ring behind."

"The one you gave him on his birthday?" Sora asked worriedly.

"…Said he was sorry." I set the mug down as I felt my vision beginning to blur again.

"Roxas." Sora began, furiously glancing at me and then at Riku for help.

"…Don't blame yourself as the single source for all these problems, Roxas." Riku interjected when Sora kept fumbling for the right words to say. He set his mug down and leaned back into the couch, "There have been a myriad of problems you've been facing and sometimes things culminate to a single point and explode into something that's beyond your control."

"Doesn't make it any better that it happened."

"No, it doesn't." Riku mused, "But what can you do? It happened and now you've got to live with the aftermath."

"…Because everything changes." I muttered to myself. Fuck this change.

"Well, yes." Riku said, "But who's to say you have to live with that change? You make your own path, your own destiny. You don't have to lie and willingly take the cards life has dealt you."

"…If you're suggesting I go and chase Axel to California, you can forget that cockamamie plan right now."

Riku glanced at Sora and then back at me, "That's something Sora would advocate for. I' go for a more logical approach." He draped an arm over my shoulders and shook me gently, "You need to take care of yourself right now."

"Or let me and Riku do it for you, for one." Sora reached another arm on the opposite side of my shoulders.

"Or … we can do that, too." Riku replied and sighed. "What I'm saying Roxas is that you need to focus on yourself. Forget about Axel for awhile because it's only going to cause unnecessary anguish for you right now. Focus on school; go socialize with your friends. Axel is doing his own thing … who said you can't do the same?"

"We can go out clubbing." Sora began excitedly.

"No." Riku and I echoed at the same time.

"You guys are no fun."

"…You can stay with us for a little while." Riku began.

"Yeah. Stay as long as you need." Sora hugged me, pulling me into another embrace.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Sure…"

"You don't sound too enthusiastic, Roxas."

"Sora, I'm tired."

"I know." Sora smiled warmly and pulled away from me. He reached behind me and tugged a heavy quilt from off the head of the sofa. He tossed it over me so that it primarily landed over my head and obscured my vision. A few minutes later, he was pulling it down and smoothing it over our laps, "Sorry, sorry."

"…I thought Roxas said he didn't want to hear anymore apologies."

"Yeah, I don't."

"Shut up, Riku. And stop double teaming me!" Sora whined, "Both of you drink your cocoa!"

I took a sip from my mug, "…It's really okay if I stay here? I don't want to intrude."

"Of course, Roxas." Sora nudged me, "It'll be like old times, you know?"

"Old times," I mused, albeit somewhat bitterly. "Like when you dumped Kairi for Riku?"

Riku coughed on his hot chocolate and Sora's eyes grew large, "Roxas."

I shrugged, closing my eyes, "Best decision you could have made, by the way."

Riku laughed softly and the smiled returned to Sora's face, "I see you're feeling like yourself again, huh?"

I shrugged again, "Maybe a little bit."

"It'll be okay." Sora gave me another hug before pulling away, "I'm going to go cook us dinner. Roxas, your favorite?"

"…I don't really have one."

"Then what would you like? I can whip up anything you want and—"

"Sora." Riku interjected before my brother went off on a tangent, "Let's just make things simple and order out."

"…Sushi would be nice." I offered, glancing from Riku to Sora.

"Oooh, good call." Sora pulled the cordless phone from off the stand by the couch, "Oh, and movies! Roxas, do you have class tomorrow?"

"Not until four in the afternoon."

"Good! Let's go out and find something new to watch. Roxas can pick."

"Sora," Riku began, just as Sora began dialing in our order to a sushi place nearby, "Why don't we let Roxas rest and you and I will go out and find something that we can all watch?"

While the two of them bickered, I wrapped myself up in the blanket Sora had draped over us earlier and curled up into the warmth of the couch. I was tired. Fatigued beyond my means I just wanted to sleep for the rest of the night. Now that I think about it, had Sora put alcohol in that hot chocolate? It was impossibly sweet … and warm. And tasted a little funny … but … that wasn't important right now.

So Axel had left. So I was alone right now.

Riku was right; I just needed to focus on myself for the time being. I had more than enough to contend with. I needed to focus on what I could deal with at present, rather than an impossible situation that needed more than a few half hearted apologies to fix it.

I yawned loudly as I felt my eyes droop to a half lid. Maybe I would stay with Sora. I wouldn't be alone … and I didn't want to go back to that loft anytime soon. Too cold, too empty. It was warm here. Noisy …and somewhat familiar. I would stay here … if only for a little while.

_Roxas?_

I was out before I even had the chance to respond.


	21. Sunshine

**21; sunshine**

_"There's nothing wrong with Hayner."_

_I couldn't remember what had started this argument with Sora. More rumors… maybe Selphie was talking to him again? Maybe he had tried to confront Hayner about what had happened last weekend? Was it about him having to bail me out with mom? ...It could have been any number of those things and I honestly didn't care to figure out which one it was._

_"But you know about the rumors at school, don't you, Roxas? You can't ignore them... they're everywhere." Sora shuffled his feet along the wooden floor of the living room, "I already know he's heavily involved in drugs... and he knows a lot of shady people, too. And when I'm talking about drugs, I don't mean the stuff everyone messes around with."_

_"Sora, get to the point."_

_"Even I've smoked weed, Roxas... but... you're not into the hard stuff... are you?"_

_"You think I'm stupid?" I put my headphones back in even though I didn't hit the play button again._

_"No, but I worry about you. Especially after last night... I've never seen you that drunk before and I..." Sora paused, as he came to sit by me, "You would tell me if something was bothering you wouldn't you?"_

_I looked at him for a minute before pressing the play button on iTunes once again._

_"Nothing's wrong."_

-x-

_"...You need to relax."_

_I turned away from the window and turned around to see Xion closing the door behind her. She walked the length of her bedroom preoccupied with rolling something in her hands. When she neared where I stood near the doors to the balcony, she took my hand to lead me outside._

_"Roxas. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath."_

_"Xion."_

_"Deep breath, Roxas."_

_I sighed reluctantly and closed my eyes like she had instructed me to, "Now what?"_

_"Take a deep breath and imagine yourself to be somewhere different." Xion instructed, "Even if it's only for a little while." I heard the flick of a lighter a few seconds later._

_I opened my eyes to see her lighting the joint she had been holding, "What in the world was that supposed to do?"_

_"To get you to focus on something different for awhile." She replied, nearing the edge of the balcony and leaning over the side, "Whenever we talk one on one you're always wound up so tight, Roxas."_

_"Well, yeah. Given my current state of affairs, why wouldn't I be?" I accepted the joint from her and sighed, "I've still got Sora breathing down my neck. As if Cloud wasn't enough. …And of course there's Hayner. He still doesn't have his shit together and it's starting to affect my life as well."_

_"Only because you let him."_

_"Xion, he's my best friend. I can't just leave him high and dry when he wants to get himself into shitty situations that he can't get out of." I inhaled deeply, "Even when he says he's got everything under control, I know that he really doesn't."_

_Xion sighed, "You put up with so much."_

_"You wouldn't understand." I held out the joint and she accepted it from me._

_"And just why do you say that?"_

_I looked at her but I couldn't find it in myself to say anything else. What was I supposed to tell her? Was I supposed to talk about all the dirty little secrets that Hayner knew about me? All of the shit that we had done that I didn't dare breathe a word of to anyone else? I had always been honest with Xion. She had always been a major confidant of mine in this stupid Upper East Side world of drugged up, dumbass rich kids with nothing better to do with their time._

_We all had our secrets, we all had our crutches. I just kept mine a little closer to my heart than most. Kept them quiet under a blanket of semi-anonymity. I drank them down with whatever alcohol some idiot stole from their parents' ever expansive liquor cabinet. Numbed myself so I could return to baseline and stop myself from running wild. And that's what Hayner did. That's what Hayner was for. Hayner pinned down my self-doubt, my inadequacies and everything else in the maelstrom of daily life._

_I couldn't just let all of that go. I just couldn't._

_I turned away from Xion as she was still expecting an answer from me, "I just can't. Not after everything he's done. Not after everything we've been through." I sat down and looked out at the East River, "I just can't, Xion."_

_She shuffled behind me and sat down in the chair next to me, "Roxas…"_

_Maybe this relationship was worth risking death for._

_I shrugged as I pulled from the joint again, "It wouldn't be right. …It… it just wouldn't be right."_

-x-

Sora, Cloud, my mother and I saw Rikku off to treatment a week later.

The hospital had finally given her medical clearance and she left on a plane bound for Colorado a week before February came to an end. My mother went with her to see that she was settled in properly. I didn't tell her about Axel. Not that she needed to know either way at the minute. My sister needed to focus on herself and settle her personal demons before she worried about other people or what was going on in family. …Even though I knew that we were a big part of the problem.

I stayed with Sora for the remainder of February into early March. Mainly because he wanted me to and there was no sense in trying to argue with him. But, he was always hovering over me like he used to back when we lived together. Maybe he was afraid I'd go off the deep end at a moment's notice and wanted to keep an eye on me. I don't know. I admit it was pretty nice being around someone else besides Axel all the time. Even if Sora always was a bit suffocating.

However, when I was done staying with Sora, I spent three days at the loft before I went to go stay with my mother for the rest of March. I just didn't want to be there. There were too many memories there and I didn't want to be around anything that reminded me of them at the moment.

The shit show of my life surfaced in the media as March rolled around. By the end of February all the news surrounding Rikku seemed to die down and the media tried to stick their sick claws into me. There were a slew of random blurbs about a failed relationship... Axel jet setting around the world and leaving me behind. Stupid shit that I really didn't need to pay attention to.

In-between all the time I spent slaving away over school and trying to keep my mind off of things with Axel, most of March was spent planning for the wedding. While Cloud and Tifa decided to slow down planning for Rikku's sake, that didn't mean they weren't pushing forward with other things. That meant that all my free time—not that you really get any with college—was being sapped by my brother, his fiancée and the most elaborate occasion to hit my family since Rikku's Sweet 16. It wasn't long before they were putting me to work for the wedding.

And that meant Cloud would soon be coming to me to ask me to orchestrate his bachelor party.

-x-

"That's … really rough, Roxas."

I knocked back the rest of my whiskey and pushed it along the smooth, polished wood of the bar counter, "Yeah... I mean it is to be expected because I'm his best man, but still..." I turned to look at Pence, "I don't know the first thing about throwing parties or orchestrating celebrations or anything of that matter."

"That's not true, Roxas. You used to throw tons of parties back when we're teenagers."

"That was Hayner." I corrected Olette.

"What about that holiday party you had at your house when we were fifteen?" She asked, setting her drink down in front of her.

"I only offered my house as the venue. All the planning was Hayner's idea." I hailed the bartender and ordered a glass of scotch, "This is going to be a disaster, I already know it."

"Have a little bit of faith, Roxas. What about Sora? Can't you work with him in coming up with something?" Pence offered as he tipped his half empty beer bottle to his lips.

I snorted in disbelief at Pence's question, "Pence, I have a better chance of planning something with a mentally deficient puppy." I shrugged, accepting my drink from the bartender.

"Explain to me why Cloud picked you as his best man again?"

I shrugged, "Who was the better choice between Sora and I?"

"He didn't have any other friends he couldn't pass the honor to?" Olette questioned.

"Cloud's... not really the social type if you haven't noticed." I replied, "His groomsmen include me, Sora, Tifa's sister's boyfriend, Zidane. ...Irvine and Balthier, two of his friends from way back when he first started working in the industry... " I swirled my glass around, "...And Leon."

"What?! No way!" Pence blurted out, nearly choking on his beer. Olette's eyes widened as she covered her mouth with her hand in a more dignified response to the shock.

"Yeah, I couldn't believe it myself when he showed up to this dinner Cloud had so we could all get ..._acquainted_ with one another." I sighed, "This is going to be a mess. I already know it is."

"Well how did you vibe with the rest of the group, Roxas?"

"Zidane was pretty okay. Irvine was a bit insufferable and Balthier has a low tolerance for moronic inquiries so we got along pretty well. Leon already knows me so there's not much to say there."

"Sounds like you won't have any trouble getting along with anyone then," Olette sipped the last of her drink, "But I'm curious to hear about Leon. I mean..." She glanced around and lowered her voice as she leaned in toward me, "He and your brother were together for awhile weren't they? And now he's getting married... and wouldn't that be, you know, awkward?"

"I haven't talked to Cloud about it so I really don't know. I don't even know if they were ever really together to tell you the truth. There were rumors sure, but I never really found out from Cloud about how true they were." I shrugged, "Rikku thinks they were ... and I guess there's no evidence to doubt that they ever weren't. Whatever. It doesn't matter to me. That's Cloud's decision."

Pence nodded, "Guess that's the best way to look at it." He ordered another beer, "Do you have any ideas as where you think you guys should go, Roxas?"

"I considered the Hamptons... my family does have a house out there. But, I feel like I could do better."

"Atlantic City?" Olette asked.

"Olette, no. That's like ... the East Coast's piss poor alternative to Vegas." Pence scoffed.

"Hey! We went out there to celebrate our high school graduation and you said you liked it!" Olette protested, sipping furiously on her martini.

"Yeah, maybe when we were eighteen." Pence muttered. He turned back to me, "Why not be clichéd and just go for Vegas, Roxas? Can't go wrong with that."

"Oh, yeah!" Olette chimed in, "Pence is right. Vegas is your best bet if you don't want to bother with doing a ton of brainstorming and pulling your hair out over planning everything. You've been right, Roxas?"

I nodded, "Yeah, twice. Once with Hayner and his family ...and another time with Axel and his band mates..."

Pence seemed to detect where the conversation might have gone, so he quickly interjected before I lost myself in my thoughts. "Well now you can go for yourself! Well... I mean it's for your brother technically, but you can go on a trip without any limitations and whatnot."

"Vegas, huh?" I mused, "...Guess it couldn't hurt..."

"When is the wedding scheduled for exactly?"

"The beginning of June." I replied. "Cloud wants to celebrate sometime next month."

"What about during your spring break? You could stay without worrying about missing any school that way." Olette asked.

I shook my head, "I'm in the middle of my spring break right now. So that's a definite no. Besides, we don't need an entire week to celebrate. That's ... suicide even by bachelor party standards. A weekend should be fine. Maybe a little more." I took a sip of my drink, "We could leave New York on a Thursday afternoon, get to Vegas on the same night and then be back in the city by Monday morning. Of course I have to figure out everyone's schedule to see when they're free before I start planning anything."

"Sounds good. Have anywhere in mind that you think would be good to stay?" Pence questioned.

"Last time I was in Vegas, we stayed in some penthouse thing at the Palms... but I'd rather look for someplace new for this next excursion."

"What's your budget?" Olette asked.

"I'm assuming endless." Pence answered for me. "This is Roxas' family we're talking about."

I sighed in minor irritation, "Yes, yes. My family is filthy rich, we all know that. Don't worry. I'll figure it out." I rubbed my forehead and sighed again, "Let's talk about something else for the time being."

"If you don't mind me asking, Roxas..." Olette began, "How are things with Axel?"

Axel had called me once in the time that he had been gone, which was okay because I honestly wasn't expecting anything more. We hadn't talked about much during out conversation. He was busy with his music and barely had time for anything else. It appeared that Demyx and Zexion were also out in California with him. He said he was doing well… whatever that meant. He was probably staying out in California until the end of April, and then return to New York by May to put the finishing touches on the record. At least he was making progress with music... that was one plus in a sea of negatives.

"He's okay." I said, "We talked last week."

"Ah," Olette nodded as if expecting me to say something else, "That's good. ...Has anything, you know, changed?"

I shook my head, "We're still taking time out for ourselves."

"Mmm, I see." She fiddled with her empty glass.

"It'll work out, Roxas." Pence interjected encouragingly, "You and Axel work too well together to let something break you apart for good."

I shrugged, "Yeah, I guess."

Despite their optimism, I was taking what Riku had told me to heart. Let Axel do his own thing for a little while and I would do mine. I downed the rest of my drink, already feeling more than buzzed from my earlier drinks. I glanced down at my watch—nearly three in the morning.

"…Sorry, guys. But, I've got to get going."

-x-

I was sitting at my mother's kitchen table, Soro gnawing on one of her mangled toys at my feet and the glare from my laptop illuminating my face in the darkness. As my mom was also looking after Ghiki while Rikku was gone, he was resting not too far away from where I was sitting. I had been sitting in the kitchen for about twenty minutes before I heard the tired shuffle of my mother's feet from down the hall.

"Hey, hon," She yawned loudly. I kept telling her not to wait up for me when I was out late, but I knew she still worried, "When did you get in?"

"A little while ago." I replied as I absentmindedly clicked around for the Google search bar, "Why are you up?"

"Oh, you know me. Can't sleep as always." That was code for, 'I was waiting for you to return home'. Not only did she worry about me, but I knew she wasn't completely used to living alone in a new place yet. She advanced toward my chair and put her hands on my shoulders, "How was your night?"

"...Okay."

"What's wrong? You didn't have a good time with Pence and Olette?"

"That's not it, I-"

She hummed to herself and then leaned in so that her chin was resting on the top of my head, "Or maybe you're thinking about a certain red haired individual?" Did I also mention she asked me about Axel at any chance that she got?

I shook my head, "No, no, no. It's ... about Cloud's wedding... " I sighed in irritation and moved to look up at her and she pulled away so she could look down at me, "It's been on my mind for awhile, but…"

"Yes?"

"Mom, do you have any idea as to why Cloud picked me as his best man?"

"Why, what's wrong?" She pulled her arms from around my neck as I gestured toward the computer screen and her eyes lit up, "Ah, his bachelor party! Personally, I think Vegas is a really nice choice, Roxas. I'm sure Cloud would love it."

"Yeah, I know, but…" I watched her pull a seat up beside me, "I just …I was talking to Pence and Olette about it tonight. I don't understand... I mean ... why me?"

My mom smiled as she turned to look at me, "Why not you? If anyone would be your brother's best man, I would assume it would be one of his brothers at the very least. I think you're more than capable for the job. Sora ... I don't think Sora would have been up for putting up with the responsibility that such a position entails."

I guess she was right about that part.

"Cloud really trusts you, Roxas. He always has… and I don't think he would want anyone else to have this position."

"What about Leon?" I asked. My mother had to have known about the two of them, right? "Why not him?"

"Hmm, good question..." She mused, tapping her chin, "Things were pretty rocky between the two of them a couple of years ago... maybe they don't feel like they're back on that level of friendship just yet?"

"He's one of his groomsmen, mom."

My mother shrugged, "Cloud may be my son, but even I don't know what goes on in his head all of the time." Despite that, she tried to reassure me, "Don't worry too much about it, Roxas. If it starts to weigh too heavily on your mind, you could always ask Cloud himself."

I shrugged, "I think I might pass on that one."

She rose from her seat and walked over to the kitchen counter, "You know, I didn't think your brother would even go through with this ... I mean sure he has Marlene and Denzel to think about. But, I didn't think he would look to get married so soon..."

"Why not?"

She waved a hand dismissively as she set about boiling water for her tea, "Oh, just my own speculation. Given everything that went on with your father and I, I suppose it's only natural Cloud would want a small family he could call his own."

"You thought he would be deterred from the thought of marriage because of the two of you?"

"Well, yes." My mother answered, "To keep Marlene and Denzel from going through what he went through as a child. But his relationship with Tifa is nowhere near what it was like with your father. They're different... I know they'll be happy together."

I shrugged noncommittally as I clicked around on my laptop some more, "I don't doubt that they will be…" I watched her pull a box of tea down from out of another cabinet and she waved the box at me. I shook my head and she shrugged as she pulled one tea bag from the box for herself, "I guess it doesn't really matter."

"Roxas, if you're that curious I still think you should talk to Cloud." She began pouring water into the mug, "Just to put your mind at ease."

I shrugged as I closed my laptop and pushed it across the table, "Yeah... yeah I guess I will."

-x-

"You still haven't told me where we're going Roxas."

Three weeks later and the day was finally here. After multiple calls out to California to get Balthier and Irvine's input, consulting with Zidane up in Boston and then Leon, Cloud and Sora here in the city, I finally got a weekend in early April that seemed to work for everyone.

"Even I can guess where you're going, Sora." Riku muttered as he rolled into the parking strip for departure flights.

"That's because Roxas, told you." Sora said.

"No, Riku just has more common sense than you do." I said, looking away from the window and toward the center of the car.

"Hey!"

Sora didn't get much further than that because Riku put the car into park and popped the locks. I got out and stretched my arms over my head relishing in the way my bones and ligaments cracked and popped. I moved around to the trunk as Riku did and began pulling our bags out and setting them on the ground.

Riku staggered as he reached for Sora's suitcase and set it down on the floor, "Sora, what in the **world** did you pack?"

"…Things." Sora replied, as he pulled the suitcase away from Riku.

Riku sighed and closed the trunk once I removed my suitcase as well, "Once again your brother proves to be the more sensible twin." He ruffled Sora's hair, kissed him on the forehead and then turned to me, "Look after him for me, will you?"

"_Ri_—ku." Sora groaned, swatting Riku away and pouting momentarily.

I smiled slightly at their affection and nodded, "I guess I can."

He smiled back at me, "Have fun you two."

Riku got back into the car, honked twice and pulled off in the direction of the highway leading out of Queens and back into Manhattan. Sora turned to me once he was out of sight and gestured toward the inside of the airport, "Is anyone here yet?"

"We're just waiting on Leon and Cloud." I said as we began walking inside, "Zidane is flying out of Boston and Irvine and Balthier are driving in from Los Angeles."

"Oh." Sora said as the double doors opened before us, "This is going to be an interesting flight, isn't it?"

"If Leon and Cloud had any problems, do you really think he would be part of the wedding party?" I asked incredulously, "By the way, your seat is next to Leon. Mine is next to Cloud."

"Hmm, yeah … but, okay." Sora started, walking up beside me, "Anyway, let's see. You said our flight is in two hours so…" He glanced up at the board of flight information overhead and his eyes instantly lit up, "Roxas. You didn't!"

"Maybe I did."

"We're going to Vegas!" Sora slapped my shoulder excitedly, "You planned an entire trip for Vegas, Roxas!?"

"Sora, could you be any louder?"

I turned around to see Cloud standing behind us, duffel bag draped over his shoulder and Leon trailing after him. Leon nodded to the two of us and then muttered something to Cloud who shrugged. Cloud turned his attention away from Leon and back on me.

"You didn't check in yet, did you?"

"We just got here a few minutes ago, so no." I replied, "But I've got all the information for the flight on hand. We just need to do the electronic check in and then check our bags over at the counter."

Cloud gestured for me to lead the way, "All right. Let's go then."

We moved through the flight check in and baggage check through relative ease. Sora held us up momentarily at security for some reason or another, but we finally got to our gate with a half hour or so to spare. I spent the time doing some reading for school while Sora occupied himself with some home and gardening magazine. Leon was off with Cloud getting something to eat before our flight.

"So," Sora began as he rolled up his magazine and stuffed it into his messenger bag, "Now that we established that we're going to Vegas, where are we staying?"

"You'll see when we get there."

"That's not fair. You know all the specifics of the trip and the rest of us are just sitting around wondering what's going on."

"That's the point, Sora."

"It should only be a surprise for Cloud!" Sora whined, crossing his arms over his chest.

I sighed, rolled my eyes and didn't even dignify my twin with a response. When he realized I wasn't going to break anytime soon he sighed and occupied his time with his phone. Cloud and Leon had just returned when they began calling certain sections to start boarding the plane. We would leave New York at close to five in the evening and get to Vegas a little shy of eight at night. The flight was tolerable at five hours. I just …I never cared too much for planes or flying to tell you the truth. …I was prone to getting violently air sick at times.

We didn't attract too much attention getting on the plane which I was thankful for. I honestly wanted to recline back in my seat and sleep until we were there. …But, another part of me knew this would probably be the best time to talk to Cloud about what was bothering me. Or rather, it didn't bother me so much anymore. It was something else. It wasn't like I didn't want to do this for Cloud. He's already sacrificed enough when it came to Sora, Rikku and I that I thought it would be selfish if I denied his request. …But, it didn't make me any less curious. I'm sure he had his reasons; I wanted to know what they were.

The first two hours of the flight were quiet even though Sora had managed to engage Leon in some type of one sided conversation. Cloud slept while I sorted through some homework for my classes. Thankfully, all I had this week was a ton of reading and I was paper free. That was something virtually unheard of for an English major. Cloud woke up after Sora had come across the aisle to bother me for some unnecessary reason.

He clicked the panel in front of his seat and then glanced out the window to his right, "Not much farther to go."

"Nope." I replied, closing my book on my thumb

"How are you dealing?"

I took a sip of my coke and shrugged, "Oddly enough, I'm feeling okay. I felt a little nauseous in the beginning of the flight but I seem to be fine now."

"Hm," He folded his arms over his chest and looked over at Sora and Leon who were still talking, "How long has Sora been talking him to death for?"

"On and off since we took off."

Cloud looked like he wanted to laugh, but I could have mistaken it for something else, "And you?"

"Trying to get the bulk of my work done so I'm not rushing to do it before we return home." I folded the page of the book I was on and tucked it into the crevice between our seats, "...Cloud?"

"Yes?"

I slouched back into my seat, "Can we talk?"

"About what?"

"The wedding." I replied, "...About why you asked me to be your best man back at the hospital in February."

"I figured you would want to know eventually," He ran a hand through his hair and then turned to look at me, "I can't depend on anyone else to get this right, Roxas."

"…So you pick your introverted and socially avoidant younger brother to be your best man?"

Cloud actually cracked a bit of a smile at what I had just said, "Aren't we one in the same, though? I don't know if you remember mom saying that you were like a carbon copy of me, but in a smaller package."

"I have vague memories of that." I replied, "That doesn't answer my question, though."

"I don't know what else to tell you, Roxas. In a tossup between everyone I had in mind, you won. Sora … would have been my next choice had you declined. …There was also Leon…"

"But?"

He cleared his throat, lowered his voice and turned toward the window, "…That wouldn't have been right for either of us."

I folded my hands in my lap, "So … all those rumors and speculations were true?"

He was quiet for a minute and then finally nodded, "I know you heard us that night on Thanksgiving. You already know the truth, Roxas."

"For how long?"

"Until February of 2009. Tifa came along four months later." Cloud turned back to me, "...I bet you're wondering why he's here now?"

"…He's still your best friend despite everything that happened, isn't he?"

"Yes… but the position I gave you isn't his to hold." Cloud answered, "…That's why you're my best man, Roxas. It's as I said before, you're the only one I trust to get this right."

-x-

Vegas was _hot_.

Back in New York we were still transitioning between winter into spring so it was still chilly most of the time. Not here. The minute we stepped out of the airport I was greeted with a gust of hot and somewhat stale air. I somewhat loathed hot weather. Sora absolutely adored it.

"This is _wonderful_."

"You would say that."

Zidane was already waiting for us at the airport, his flight having arrived nearly an hour before ours did. Balthier and Irvine were also conveniently waiting outside to pick us up from the airport in a black Cadillac Escalade. As if I expected anything more from two over the top models. Cloud and I sat in the middle row while Zidane, Leon and Sora all piled into the back.

"So, are we ready to party, gentleman?" Irvine asked as he put the SUV into drive and pulled away from the curb, "I hope you ladies aren't worn out from a measly five hour flight."

"By Gods, will you _shut up_?" Balthier groaned. He turned around to look at me, "The Bellagio, correct?"

"Yeah." I answered.

"Oh, so even Balthier knows where we're going?" Sora whined, poking his head inbetween Cloud and I.

"Sora, we all know you can't keep your mouth closed when you get excited about things. You would have blabbed everything to Cloud had I told you anything."

"So not true."

Cloud pinched the bridge of his nose, "Are you two going to carry on like this for the entire weekend?"

"Only if Roxas keeps hiding what we're doing from me for the entire trip!"

"Sora, you're acting worse than Rikku does when she doesn't get her way."

"Well then," Balthier began, folding his arms behind his head and leaning back in his chair, "We know who'll be providing the comic relief for this trip already."

"Hey, what's that supposed mean?!"

"Sora. Please. Shut up."

"...Think you're right on that one, Balthier." Irvine chuckled.

"...Stop talking and drive." Balthier retorted.

"Are you sure it's not going to be you two instead?" Leon chimed in from the back seat.

"I was thinking the same thing." Zidane finally spoke up.

"You tell them, Leon." Sora said encouragingly.

"Shut up, Sora."

"No, you, Roxas!"

"_All_ of you. **Shut up**." Cloud had the final word on that one and everyone ceased speaking after that.

The ride to the strip was quiet apart from occasional side chatter here and there. Once we got to the Bellagio, the valet took Irvine's SUV and we were escorted inside to the check in desk. I had booked two Presidential suites. One for Irvine and Balthier and the other for Leon and Zidane. Sora, Cloud and I were sharing a three bedroom villa. I didn't do it often, but sometimes my family's name and money made planning and obtaining certain things a little easier at times.

Everyone was going to take about an hour off to get settled in their rooms and then reconvene in the lobby for dinner and our first night out. I didn't really have anything that I needed to do, so I dropped my stuff off at the villa and went back out to explore the hotel and make sure our dinner reservation was set at Sensi. It was supposed to be something nice and easy. However, as always in my life... fate or destiny or whatever powers work the stupid cosmos had other plans for me.

I had been walking through the casino floor to waste time after I was done talking with the head manager of Sensi. The first thing that caught my eye was ebony hair framing a semi-heart shaped face. Her face was partially hidden from me but the outline of her silhouette was familiar. She turned to look behind her and I saw her eyes. That unmistakable color of cobalt blue, and a tattoo of rosemary trailing the length of her inner left arm. There was no mistaking who was standing in front of me; gin and tonic balanced precariously in her hand.

She turned around again so our eyes met. It was like staring into the eyes of a ghost. She squinted once as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing and then her eyes widened significantly. She almost began advancing toward me, but her attention was pulled away by the incessant ringing of the cell phone in her front pocket. As soon as her attention was occupied, I took that as my cue to turn on my heel and get away as far as I could before she noticed me again.

...I wasn't looking to have a date with my past while I was away in Vegas.

-x-

Cloud knew something was wrong halfway into dinner, but didn't ask me about it until we left the restaurant to spend some time on the casino floor. I told him not to worry about me; I would deal with what was bothering me later. ...Or forget it altogether if my mind allowed me. That was my past... she was part of my past that was no longer relevant to the future. ...Or was she?

After wasting time in Bellagio's casino, we wandered over to the Cosmopolitan to check out the Chandelier Bar before hitting up the Marquee, a club that Irvine was adamant about going to. I admit that the bar was somewhat interesting. There wasn't much to it, but there was a giant chandelier—where the bar got its name from obviously—hanging overhead that was pretty captivating. Captivating enough to be the place where my first night in Vegas would go downhill.

I'm mainly a social drinker. That means that the only time I really drink is in the company of others. Although I've been known to have a drink every now and then under extreme pressure or other circumstances. And being that it was Cloud's bachelor party, social was being taken to completely new lengths. Lengths I hadn't been pushed to since my junior year of high school.

First came the tequila shots. One, two... three? Was it three or four? I was slightly buzzing after that but still aware of what was going on around me. I got a beer to nurse as we were heading to Marquee to continue with the festives. It was insanely loud and I felt like the damage I was doing to my ear drums was going to be irreparable by the time I left this place tonight. Cloud, Zidane, Sora, Irvine and Balthier left for the massive crowd on the dance floor while Leon and I hung over by the bar.

"Not your scene?" He asked me.

I shrugged, "Not in the mood to dance just yet."

I appreciated the fact that Leon was a man of few words because he didn't question me any further than that. I finished the rest of my beer and took to ordering another drink at the bar. The alcohol was starting to get to my head at that point and I thought I was hallucinating when I heard a familiar raspy voice screaming out over the crowd.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Of all the clubs in the world, all the places he could have been.

I turned around while sipping furiously on my Rusty Nail. There he was, hair pulled back, sunglasses balanced on top of his head and wearing his customary leather jacket. I almost felt like dropping my drink or throwing it at someone. Wasn't Axel supposed to be in California? What the fuck was this? Why was he here? What in the hell was happening tonight? What was this? What did the world have against me?

Cloud emerged from the crowd a few minutes later and instantly headed for my direction. I immediately walked over to meet him and he spoke first, "I could punch Irvine." He glanced over his shoulder and looked to the stage, "Surprise he says."

"A hell of a surprise I don't need right now!" I shouted back to him, "What the fuck!"

Cloud motioned for me to follow him away from the bar and to the front of the club where it was quieter, "He doesn't know what's going on between the two of you. He thought after you went through all this hassle to plan everything for us that it would be a nice surprise for you to see Axel while we were here."

"What the hell is he even doing here?" I asked, setting my glass down on an unoccupied table, "He's supposed to be in _California_!"

Cloud shook his head, "I don't know."

I groaned, biting my lip, "Look, we shouldn't let my relationship problems interrupt your weekend ..." I linked my arm with Cloud's and pulled him forward, "...It doesn't even matter. He doesn't know I'm here anyway."

Once we were back inside I went back to the bar with Cloud to order another drink. Maybe if I got drunk as hell I wouldn't even care about what was going on around me. I ordered two shots of vodka for Cloud and me and downed mine as quickly as it had come. I was just about to walk away from the bar with Cloud when he cursed under his breath.

I turned around to see Irvine trailed by Demyx, Zexion … and Axel. Cloud met my eyes for a minute as if to silently ask me if he should stay around for this. I shook my head, "Go ahead and enjoy yourself. And please. Take Irvine out of here before I kill him? I'll join you later."

"Call me if it gets to be too much, okay?"

I nodded and he met Axel's gaze briefly as he walked away into the crowd one more. Irvine looked like he was about to say something, but Cloud dragged him away as soon as he opened his mouth. I sighed heavily and turned back to the bartender to order another drink to drive me deeper into this drunken pit I was digging for myself tonight.

"ROXAS!" Demyx spoke up, effectively breaking the silence that had overcome all of us, "Stoked to see you here!"

"The feeling isn't mutual in the least." I replied.

"Still as sharp as ever, huh?" Demyx asked, scratching the back of his head. He glanced at Axel and Zexion who hadn't said a word yet to me. "So… your bro's getting married, huh? And you're here for his—"

"Bachelor party." I cut him off, starting on my second Rusty Nail of the night.

"Cloud?" Axel asked.

"Wouldn't be Sora, _would_ it?" I answered, trying to scan the crowd for my brother.

Things were starting to get a really fuzzy so I turned away from the rest of them to finish my drink. When I turned to look over my shoulder again, Axel was talking to Demyx and Zexion. Zexion gave Axel one of the coldest looks I'd ever seen him give someone and Axel seemed to bristle slightly. Eventually they disappeared back into the crowd. It was as if Axel had read my mind. Here we were one on one.

"This isn't how I imagined we'd be reunited."

"Oh, _yeah_?" I asked. "And how did you imagine it?"

Axel hailed the bartender and ordered his usual, a Jack and Coke, "Dunno. Thought maybe I'd have flowers or something and I'd be down on my knees groveling over you to forgive me for being such an idiot?"

"I fuckin' hate flowers."

Axel laughed, "Yeah, I know." He turned to look at me, "You look good, you know?"

"Don't fuckin' start with me, Axel." I seethed, clutching my empty glass of ice.

He scratched his head and sighed, "Man, this was a helluva lot easier in my head than in reality."

"Of course it would be."

The alcohol was really starting to fuck with my head now. Axel's face was swimming in and out focus and I was becoming more incoherent by the minute. Three shots of tequila, one beer, another shot of vodka, two Rusty Nails … is that all? Was that everything?

"You can' just fuckin' walk back here and think everythin' is okay, you know?"

God I was slurring horribly. Axel blinked …at least I think he did. He had four eyes now so it was kind of hard to tell. Stupid, dumb temperamental redhead with fucking amazing eyes. Fuck this. No, fuck him. Fucking Irvine. Fucking hell.

"Rox, just how much did you have to drink tonight?"

"Fuckin' I don't know!" I yelled at him, "A lot more than I should 'ave when you showed up!"

I think he sighed, I'm not too sure.

He started talking but I couldn't really hear him. The music was really fucking loud and thrumming so hard in my eardrums. Woah, woah, woah. And the world was starting to spin, too. All I saw were flashing lights… strobe lights? Darkness, darkness… why was everything moving so slowly? Were those Axel's eyes I was seeing? Or were those the lights of the club? Whatever they were, they were really green… green and glowing.

Did someone put something in my drink? No, it was the alcohol. I was really, really drunk, wasn't I? Axel was still talking but I couldn't focus on anything else but his eyes. Why were they so green? There were like six of them right now. Fuck, I was really fucking drunk.

Those weren't Axel's eyes, they were the lights. But if they were Axel's eyes were they always that pretty? No, he isn't pretty. He's a fucking asshole. I was supposed to be mad at him. Furious with him to be more correct. I didn't want to see his stupid face. But, the alcohol… it was doing something to my head and … and was that the floor? When did I stand up? Was I standing up? No, that was definitely the floor.

…And why was it getting so close to my face?

-x-

My world was dark …and it was spinning.

I mean completely off kilter, like my body didn't know which way was up or down. I felt weightless, like I was drifting along in the wind. And it was loud. So loud I thought my head was going to burst from all of the noise that my brain couldn't process. Just how much did I fucking drink tonight? And why was it so dark? Had I gone blind from alcohol poisoning? Was I even still alive?

…It took a minute to realize I had my face pressed into the warm fabric of an all too familiar leather jacket. It smelled of sandalwood, cigarettes, somewhat earthy… ashes of a burning fire. Wait a minute. It was Axel. …Was Axel carrying me? I couldn't really make out what he was saying, but my face and head were hurting and the ground was swaying beneath my feet. He smelled nice … really nice. Or maybe that was the alcohol talking, I don't really know.

"Roxas? You okay back there?"

"Mmmm." I buried my face into the dip between his shoulders. How in the hell could he possibly wear a leather jacket in this type of heat?

"You should have stopped before that last drink." He chided as he stopped walking for a minute.

"…The fuck are we?" I mumbled, wishing he would stop moving.

"I'm taking you back to your room."

"Why's …it so dark?" I slurred out, turning my head and finding myself being met with more darkness.

"Thank Demyx for the hoodie." Axel chuckled, "While this isn't the most incognito way of getting you back to the Bellagio, it's better than full out announcing the identity of the cute little inebriated blond I'm carrying around right now."

I could throw up right there. "I'm never going to be clean."

He laughed again, "Guess you're not so drunk that you can't show your appreciation for Demyx." He began walking again. Where the hell were we? Why was it so quiet?

"…You even know where you goin'?" I asked.

"I have a vague notion of where to take you. Sora gave me directions on how to get back to the villa. Lucky for you that we were so close, huh, Roxas?" He paused again, adjusting me on his shoulders, "You don't have to puke or anything, do you?"

"…Make the world stop spinnin'…"

"I'll take that as a maybe?"

A rush of cold air ruffled the fabric of the hoodie obscuring my face and I could make out the bright lights of the hotel lobby. Axel took a few steps forward, said something to someone and started walking again. He paused and then turned while cursing under his breath. He spun around and started to walk in some direction… which, I don't know. I was too busy trying to keep myself from hurling my guts all over the back of his leather jacket.

"Minor detour, sit tight."

I groaned into his backside and he jostled me again as he picked up speed in whatever direction he was walking in. Was Axel even buzzed? …Then again his tolerance was always higher than mine…

…_Why_ did I drink so much?

"Ahhxel?"

Just a minute." He murmured, "Something wrong? If you have to blow chunks, hold tight. We're almost there."

"No…" I replied, exhaling loudly, "I'm… really …really drunks right now."

"Really? I couldn't tell. Also, hold still for a minute, will ya? I gotta get the key…" Axel stopped walking again and reached into his jacket for something. He sighed and cursed under his breath, "…That's in your pants pocket…"

"Ahhhxel, are you friskin' me right now?" I asked. The thought immediately sent me into a fit of uncharacteristic giggles when I thought of our situation. "Are you takin' advantageee of the drunk kid?"

"Wouldn't dream of it. Now would you hold still?"

He pulled the keycard from out of my back pants pocket and hoisted me back onto his shoulders as I was slipping again. After Axel got the door open, he sat the key down on the table in the foyer and kicked the door closed with the back of his foot. It was quiet in the villa. Cloud and the others must have still been at the club with Demyx and Zexion…

Just what the hell had happened to me?

"…Ahx?"

"Before you start talking, where is your room?"

"Left. End of hall." I muttered, trying to reach up and remove the hoodie from off of my head. I sighed when I couldn't coordinate myself enough to reach up for it and pull it back. "Ahx, what happened?"

"You mean you don't remember falling off your bar stool and almost cracking your head on the floor? Lucky I was there to catch you before you split your skull in half." Axel replied, "When I get you to your room you should take a look at your face. Quiet the nice little split lip and bandage you're sporting on your forehead. I think the look suits you. Makes you all tough and rugged instead of puppy dog cute."

Is that why my face hurt so much?

"What the fuck were you even drinking tonight? You know you're a lightweight." Axel nudged the door to my room open with the edge of his boot, "Immaculately kept even while you're on a vacation of sorts. God, you're so anal, Rox."

"Shuddap."

He walked over to the King sized bed and gently lowered me onto it. I immediately flopped over onto my side and groaned. I had a bit of trouble but eventually I kicked my Vans to the floor and curled up on my side. Why couldn't the world stop spinning? Why was this my life? Why didn't I stop drinking sooner? Why did Axel have to be in Vegas?

Axel gently pulled the hoodie away from my face and I groaned at the overhead light, "You've got that blank look on your face and I know it's not from being drunk. Stop ruminating."

"Turn it offff." I rolled away from him and buried my face into the plush bedding.

Axel sighed, "Don't puke yet. I'm going to get you some water."

He left the room and I could hear him rummaging around in the kitchen down the hallway. God, my first night in Vegas and it had ended in disaster. At least let me get to the third day before I started fucking everything up.

Axel came back a little while later and dimmed the lights. I heard the sound of a glass meeting the surface of the polished wooden night table. He shuffled out of the room again and ran some water in the bathroom. When he returned he set something hollow down by the bed and then unzipped his boots and took them off.

"Okay, Mr. Ardenwell. You're looking a little worse for wear right now. But don't worry; Dr. Ramirez is here to save the day." He crawled onto the bed and pushed himself up beside me.

He pulled me into his lap just as I removed my arm from over my eyes and peered up at him, "Wha?"

"I've got some crackers, bread, a banana or two and some water here for you. Garbage pail is by the bed if you feel like upchucking at any time. And I want to give the nice little injury you gave yourself a once over."

"…You're being toooo nice righ' now." I muttered, turning my face into the crevice of my arm again.

He sighed, resting a hand on my head, "Would you rather I leave?"

"…No."

"All right then." Axel gently wrapped a hand around my arm and pried it away from my face. He pushed the hood of the hoodie back some and fingered the top of my forehead, "Hm, it's not bad as it looked back in the club."

"You know wha' I drank?" I groaned.

"Let's see. According to Cloud, you were mixing your liquors all throughout the night. Some vodka, a little but of tequila... I don't know how you aren't dead right now." Axel replied, peeling back the bandage on my head. He applied a warm washcloth to the area and it felt heavenly to tell you the truth.

"Where're they?"

"Still at Marquee." Axel replied. He turned to his other side and opened something. A first aid kit, maybe? "I know it's your brother's bachelor weekend and everything, but you also have to keep mindful of your limits, Rox."

"Caaaan't." I replied, wincing when he dabbed at the corner of my mouth with a cotton swab, "Bes' man, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Axel replied, wadding up a fresh piece of gauze to tape to my forehead, "But that doesn't mean you have to lose yourself completely. And starting fights with me isn't really conducive to your situation, now is it? Do you even remember going down?"

"Stahp askin' phil… philisophicals questions aat this time, Ahx."

Did I just get drunker? What the hell was …Oh. _Oh_.

Axel didn't get any further than applying the last strip of surgical tape to the gauze wad before I was jetting up, flying off the bed and running for the bathroom. I threw the toilet seat up and puked up everything that I had consumed in the last three hours. Dinner, alcohol and all. I barely had time to catch my breath before my stomach was lurching again and I nearly face planted into the toilet seat.

Axel was in the bathroom a few seconds later rubbing my back and sighing, "Been awhile since I was on the other side."

"Jus ... jus stop talkin'..." I was never drinking again.

"All right, all right."

A few minutes later he was lifting me back to my feet and depositing me back onto the bed. Axel took off his leather jacket, threw it across the room and sighed as he lied down next to me. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to lie there being drunk and not thinking for a little while.

"I'll stay the night."

"You don' need to." I mumbled into one of the pillows.

I think he turned to look at me. I don't know, I had my eyes closed so I didn't have to see the world spinning anymore, "Aha, yeah I do."

"_No_, you don't."

"You're slurring your speech and you're curled up in the fetal position right now like you're about to puke again." He replied, "Not like you're in any shape to throw me out anyway."

"Shut up."

He grew quiet for a minute and then his hand reached down to pry my left hand from where it was wrapped around the pillow, "…You're wearing the ring, huh?"

"Stop."

"Roxas, I—"

"I said _stop_." I said, willing myself to open my eyes and focus for just a minute. My voice was wavering against my will. I was too drunk to even try to control how I was feeling right now, "Don't do this to me right now, Axel. _Not_ now."

Axel stared down at my hand, curled his own around it and kissed the stone gently. I was such a mess tonight that I couldn't control myself from crying again. It was too much. I was a drunken mess and couldn't control the floodgates that had opened in that short amount of time. He hadn't said anything, but I already knew from his actions that he knew how badly he had fucked up. We had both fucked up, yes. But Axel finally understood the weight of what had occurred two months ago in February.

He curled himself around me, arm thrown around my shoulders and his legs tangled in my own. I didn't care in that moment what happened. I didn't care about how messed up this night had been or all the stupidity of the past. I just wanted to sleep next to him again. Just to know that he was occupying the same space as me. Just to know that he was near. That's all I wanted right now and it was more than enough to be with him in that current moment even if I was a hot, drunken mess.

I hadn't completely forgiven him and I knew things would probably look and feel different in the morning.

...But for tonight ...at this time... what we had was more than okay.


	22. Unfold

**22; unfold**

_I had shown up at Hayner's, marinating in anger from an argument I'd had with Xion earlier that afternoon._

_After pissing around at school, I ditched halfway in and returned back to her apartment where she didn't question me, but merely took me back out onto her balcony where she rolled and lit another spliff._

_We talked about a lot of the same shit while I was there. My growing apathy toward my future, Hayner's uncontrollable stupidity, our parents, and our stupid lives amongst the upper crust elite of this boring ass city. The more I thought about how stupid everything was, the more I got annoyed with the situation. Xion, of course, tried to dissuade me from continuing on my current train of thought. But, I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop thinking about how at seventeen, I'd grown so jaded and pissed off at my menial existence. I was just one small speck, barely a spark in a billion years of uncharted history. Really makes you think about how insignificant you really are._

_I left her apartment late in the afternoon high on my own self depreciation and stumbled through the Upper East Side until I found myself at Hayner's place, where he pressed a half empty bottle of cheap ass vodka into my hand and sat opposite me with a bong in his lap._

_And that was why I was currently sitting in Hayner's bathtub less than an hour later with my legs hanging over the side and a discarded bottle of vodka at my side. The shower was running overhead, hot and heavy, and pelting into the decaying grey matter that was my fucked up brain. I felt sick … rather I was sick. Hayner threw me into the shower about half an hour ago, telling me that he wasn't up for babysitting me or my moodiness that evening and that I needed to sober the fuck up. At the rate I was going, I was bound to drown before that even happened._

_The door opened, knocking my feet from the side of the tub and I looked up to see Hayner standing over me with his hands on his hips. "Man, why the fuck are you so wasted?" He sighed, "Most people take their clothes off before they get into the shower, you bonehead."_

_He turned the shower off overhead and pulled me up so that we were standing chest to chest. I stumbled into him and he grabbed my arms so that I steadied on my feet. Hayner's eyes flickered from the empty vodka bottle behind me and then frowned at me. He dropped a heavy hand to my head and shook his own._

_"Did what Xion say really get to you? You gotta grow thicker skin man, you know she's crazy." He dropped his hand to the side and grabbed a black towel from off of the sink basin, "Come on, dry off. I've got some leftover shit for you to eat so you can sober up. I'll find some dry clothes for you in the meantime."_

_I wordlessly left my sopping wet clothes on the floor of his bathroom and toweled down as he instructed. When I was mostly dry and returned to Hayner's room I found that he wasn't there, but he had left some clothes on the bed for me and the door was closed. He came in as soon as I threw his wife beater over my head and picked up questionably tight black jeans—(I think they were mine?)—and pulled them over my hips._

_After he set the tray of food down on his bed, Hayner reached into his back pocket and produced a baggy with a heavy white substance weighing it down._

_"I've got something I want you to see, Roxas…"_

-x-

I woke up to the sound of sirens the next morning and for a minute; I thought I was in the past again. I rolled over in bed, probably more quickly than I should have and blanched. I wasn't nauseous, but my head felt heavier than it should have that morning. I chanced opening my eyes and was met with darkness.

"Hayner?"

Something heavy rolled over near me and placed a warm hand on top of my head. It threaded it's long, spindly fingers through a tuft of my hair and I knew who it was immediately.

"Wishful thinking, maybe?"

There was something over my head. Sheets? The hand left my hair and moved down to move the covers from over the top of my head and I was met with Axel looking like pure and utter shit. The corners of his eyeliner were smudged and his eyes were nearly bloodshot. He looked as drained as I felt.

"…Is this a dream?" I asked, instantly closing my eyes again, "This is a dream. I'm dreaming."

"Sorry, Rox. Wishful thinking again." Axel muttered, turning away from me and slamming a heavy hand down on the source of noise, "Sorry about the alarm."

"Why, I…" I paused and looked up at him, "…Last night. I was at the bar with my brothers and his friends. I was at that stupid club and you … you were there too. …That actually happened?"

"You mean you're not feeling any of the after effects of last night?" He asked, sniffing pathetically, "You had me up half the night making sure you didn't pull a Hendrix on me."

I shook my head. Had I blacked out? Was I that trashed last night? I pushed a worried hand to my head and bowed my head down into the pillows again.

"…Walk me through it again."

"You got trashed. Nearly cracked your head on the floor and I took you back to your room at the behest of your brothers. We argued kind of, you cried sort of, I felt like shit mostly." He replied, "That's about it."

"Where are the others?"

"Just you and me right now." He answered, "Sora poked his head in this morning to say that everyone was meeting up for breakfast. He wanted me to let you sleep."

I sighed heavily. As my little sister says. Disasterrific.

"…What?"

"Nothing. What are you still doing here?"

"Looking after you for one." Axel replied, yawning.

"Don't you have stuff you should be doing?" I asked, "I mean you're in Vegas for a reason. It sure as hell isn't babysitting me because I had too much to drink. You're free to go, you know. I don't need you here to look after me just because my brother asked you to."

I felt Axel shift next to me and I saw himself prop himself up on one shoulder so he could look down at me, "…Roxas. Why must you feel the need to pick a fight with me so early in the afternoon?"

"Because you're not supposed to be here. I never intended to run into you while I was out here. It was a fluke I attribute to one of my brother's moronic friends." I clasped my hands over my stomach and pulled the sheets up over my chest, "I didn't even know you were supposed to be out here. What shitty hand does fate have in all of this?"

"I guess it's pretty stupid of me to think things would go back to normal in just one night."

"You know me."

"Yeah, I do." Axel replied, shifting so that he was lying on his back as well, "…If you must know, I'm out here with Demyx and Zexion playing babysitter."

"For what?"

"For the label, obviously. They've got themselves a pretty little singer they're looking to debut and they hooked her up with us for a couple of days as like a … backing force so to speak. You know, someone to give her name hype or whatever." He replied, "She's actually from the city which makes me like her a bit more. Even if she _is _one of your types."

"My type?"

"Manhattan, born and raised." Axel replied, "But she's been in Europe for the last four or five years? She just recently moved back to the states and settled in LA. Seems cool enough. Kinda has a weird name though."

"Does it really matter?"

"Maybe to you considering she'll probably be hanging around me for awhile. You two might cross paths."

I sighed, "What's her name?"

"Xion."

I immediately turned to look at Axel and he refocused his attention back on my face as I nearly gave myself whiplash, "Xion _what_?"

He shrugged, "I don't know." Axel raised a curious eyebrow, "Why? Does that name sound familiar?"

This could _not _be happening. It wasn't her. It _couldn't_ be her. Of all the people in the world to cross paths with my present... I thought I had already made peace with the past? I clenched my fists in the sheet and pulled them up over my shoulders so that they obscured the lower part of my face.

"…Do you have a last name?" How many Xion's could there possibly by in the world? And from New York at that?

"Can't say I remember that." Axel shrugged, "Need me to describe her? Short, blue eyes, near black hair. She's pretty soft spoken … kind of shy. Maybe because she's not used to the three of us yet, but—"

"I know her."

"You do?"

"Yeah." I said, "…I know her … _really _well."

"Huh. More people from your past that I've yet to meet?"

"She's not that important, she was just an acquaintance of mine. Someone who ran in the same circles as I did as a teenager…" I looked up at Axel and he stifled a yawn with the back of his hand, "Her brother was my dealer."

"…_Wow_." Axel whistled under his breath, "…Quite an acquaintance, wouldn't you say?"

Xion … left after Hayner died.

She basically cracked underneath the weight of his death, moved away to Europe over the summer and supposedly spent time airing out at her family's villa in Italy. It would be a couple of years before I ever heard anything about her.

I ran into her older brother, Vanitas, a year ago while I was out with Pence and Olette one night. Turns out he was the co-owner of the longue we'd gone to for the night, so we sat around talking for awhile. He was mum on Xion and what she was doing. Just that she was _fine _and still taking it easy in the Italian countryside.

It made sense that she didn't really talk to anyone in the city after she left. Xion was never particularly social to begin with. Most people were only friends with her because of her brother… I mean, Xion never really exuded any type of confidence that made people flock to her. But, I always thought she was a breath of fresh air. Like she was the only sensible person I could find in the world when everyone else was destined for the loony bin.

"Roxas?"

"…Yeah, guess you can say that." I looked at him, "Have you mentioned me?"

"Negatory. Otherwise, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation right now if I did."

Maybe she would feel awkward bringing up the past? I don't know. Did it really matter at this point? We were twenty three… that was over six years ago. So much had changed since then.

I sat up slowly and fixed my gaze on the TV mounted on the wall, "…What are you doing today?"

"We have a show scheduled at the Aria at nine tonight." Axel replied, turning his back to me so he could pick up his phone, "You should come if you're curious about seeing Xion again."

"I never said I was."

"You got that blank look on your face." Axel said, as he called out my bullshit, "I've known you long enough to know what that means."

"…Hm." I fiddled with the sheets, "…I'm going to take a shower and find my brothers."

"All right, in that case. Looks like my job here is done." Axel pushed himself up in bed and turned to look at me, "You gonna be okay?"

"I've had worse." I said, looking at him.

A moment passed between us that should have been more awkward than it was. He glanced down at my hand and then met my eyes again, "…Listen, Roxas…"

"Stop. …I already know what you're going to say and I really don't think this is the place to do this, Axel." I said, lowering my eyes so I didn't have to meet his reluctant gaze. I knew he didn't want to leave, but this wasn't about us right now. I was here for my brother, not my relationship problems.

"…You'd rather we don't talk face to face when we finally have the chance to?"

I shook my head. "…When you come back to New York we'll figure things out. For now, you need to be here on the West Coast, focused on doing what your label expects of you. Concentrate on business first and worry about your personal life later."

"Is that _really _how you want it?"

"I've got my family to contend with right now and you've got your music to deal with." I replied, "When all of this settles down we'll … we'll see if there's an us."

It wasn't like I was trying to sabotage my life and fuck up everything that I had built for the last three years. It was just … I needed to know that if everything I thought about Axel and myself was real. I had to know that this one little set back wasn't going to determine our entire relationship. Would he forget about me? Would he throw me away after he realized that I hadn't changed? I'd been fucked up all this time and he just didn't see it. I knew I wasn't going to sit around bleeding for an eternity waiting for Axel to come back to me when I knew I had to fend for myself.

It was like there was a half closed hole in the space where my heart should have been. Like a semi circle… or more like a half moon … a yin without a yang. It hadn't formed solely because of whatever Axel had said or done. It had always been there. I just wasn't completely aware of its presence until now.

It was like … it was like I couldn't feel anymore. It wasn't like the moments when I disassociated in the past. It was like there was this growing apathy that had been building inside of my chest for so damn long and it finally broke something inside of me. Not that I was broken … that was far from the truth. This feeling didn't leave me feeling like I was hanging off the ledge of a rocky mountain, screaming for help as I hung on for dear life.

I'm contradicting myself, I know. I say something broke inside of me … but I don't mean that I was broken. It was like… it was like I was sitting in a dark room. Beside me there was a candle, glowing dim and softly in the darkness. And I was just sitting in this chair watching people pass me by. They'd look at me sometimes. Some would come to sit by me and keep me company and then leave. Sometimes …there were days … _weeks_ when no one came at all. But I kept sitting there… I kept staring out into the darkness as that candle never faded from my side.

What I mean to say is… I was steeping in my own apathy. Something had shut off inside me and put me on auto pilot. I was missing something and I didn't know how to get it back. I was trying to figure it out, but it wasn't working. Whatever I thought I needed wasn't just wasn't it.

"…But are we really solving anything by putting this off for another three or so months?" Axel asked as he turned to look back at me, "Roxas. It's April. …It's been two months already. If we don't talk now, when?"

"I don't know. I don't know when we'll talk. Because it seems you can't remember that this whole mess started with an argument you and I had over you inability to acknowledge that you shut me _out _all the damn time because we never _talk_."

"…It's kind of funny when you put it that way considering how our relationship started." Axel ran a hand through his hair and flicked his fingers of a few stray strands, "Neither of us is completely innocent in this matter, you know that right?"

"I wasn't the asshole that threw issues I have with two particular men back in my face when the argument got too heated for them to handle."

"And I'm _sorry_. All right? I was stupid. Really stupid." He threw his arms up in exasperation, "I can't even defend myself by saying you backed me into a corner and I had nothing else left with which I could argue. I was dumb and looking for a low blow." He turned around on the bed to face me again, "But can you at least admit that you were wrong for pressing me to talk about something I didn't want to?"

I shook my head, "…But you see… Axel, you do that all the time. Sometimes I think … sometimes I think you really do believe that I'm still that messed up suicidal kid that you used to cart around Manhattan by the hand. Afraid to let me go because you thought I would run away and try to kill myself again at the first chance that I got. I know you say that you don't believe any of that anymore … but I think. I think you do. Some part of you still worries even if you don't want to admit to it or tell me."

"Of course I worry. I'm in a _relationship _with you. That's what partners do. They worry about the well being of the other." Axel muttered, "And yeah, maybe I still do see you in that light from time to time. There's always a chance for you to slide back. You know that's all a part of recovery."

"I really hate that word." I said, "_Recovery. _Can we just say that's a part of _life_? You have ups and downs and you get through them with whatever strength that you have?"

Or maybe you don't. Maybe you just push yourself face down into the dirt and eat shit until someone thread their fingers into your hair, jerks you harshly to your feet and snarls at you to _move. _

"Fine, I won't use the word." Axel sighed, "…Sure, yeah. We can say that. You've come a long way, Roxas. And I won't discredit all of the shit you've done since you stopped seeing Ansem and we moved in together. You've held up surprisingly well through this whole debacle your family has made in the last four months."

"Someone had to be the rock in all of the insanity."

"I knew you'd say that. I'm sorry, Roxas. I don't do this talking thing well and neither do you." Axel finally careened backwards so that he was lying next to me again. Guess he finally got me talking like he wanted after all, "Look… I'm willing to take another stab at this, though. I don't want to lose you over some stupid ass argument we had when things were too heated and stressful. I'll try and communicate better. I'll _try _not to hide things from you, but understand that sometimes that's just how I am."

I shook my head, "You weren't listening to what I said before… were you?"

"Still not off the hook?"

"…You really … really _hurt _me, Axel. I don't think you understand that."

He rose up in bed and reached over to take one of my hands so I looked at him. Axel peered down at the promise ring on my finger and then looked up at me as he folded his hands around my own and pressed his forehead against his hands.

"Roxas Ardenwell, can you forgive me for being an idiot?"

"This isn't funny." I said, sighing as he rested his chin on top of his folded hands, "…I just want you to be honest with me… like I try to be honest with you. That's all that I ask, Axel. That's all …that's all I ever asked. I've had enough of the lies that people constantly tell me. I need someone that isn't afraid to tell me the truth no matter how bad it might be."

"…I understand that." Axel sighed, "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for never talking about my mother when you gave me the chance to. I'm sorry for running away when I should have just opened up about what was bothering me … but I hate that. It makes me feel weak and I _hate _that feeling. I hate feeling like I'm that stupid kid in some dingy apartment back in the South Bronx living with his fucked up mother and older brother that tried to protect him from the brunt of her rage."

"I don't want to fix you."

"I know. It's not about fixing, it's just about listening and being there when shit gets rough and so convoluted you think south is west and north is east."

"…Don't you mean north is south and east is west?"

"No, I mean things are so fucked up, things don't just become reversed. They lose all meaning completely." He let my hands go and dropped his head to the side of my pillow, "Roxas. You are genuinely one of the best things that has happened to me in a really long time, you know that? And this is going to be cliché and stupid, but … there was something that was missing in my life for a really long time until you came along."

"I could say the same."

"Yeah, I know. You've told me this before." He turned on his back so that he was staring at the ceiling, "…Even Avó says you do me good. I _light up _when I talk about you."

"…Do you?"

"She's exaggerating." He rubbed under his nose self consciously and shrugged his shoulders, "…I mean. I've had relationships before. You know about Marluxia and Larxene and the mess I went through with those two. There were others. Flings here and there… but none of them had had the potential for sustainability that we did."

"…You were engaged once, need I remind you?"

"I was young and dumb." He said, "I'm twenty six now and I'm _still _young and dumb. Still making a mess of things as you can see."

"Axel, that's simply being human."

"Yeah, maybe it is." He inhaled and sighed, "There's been a lot of shit in life …in _my _life that I should be thankful for and I've taken for granted, Rox. For my grandparents and the time they've taken to raise me from the little shit stain that I used to be. For my brother—despite being the most annoying piece of shit on the planet at times—he's always been there without me really realizing it. For Demyx and Zexion for putting up with all my stupidity over the past twenty years… I should have lost the two of them long ago but they've stuck by me all this time."

"I could say the same for Pence and Olette." I said, "It's a miracle we're even talking right now despite how I so carelessly threw away their friendship when we were teenagers."

"Yeah, I know." He cleared his throat, "…The label, too. They took a gamble on us and look how things turned out. I've been doing this for nearly ten years. _Ten years_, Rox. I never thought we'd have this type of longevity when I was seventeen. I never thought any of this would happen. Sure … we're not as hyped as we used to be and I guess we're past our prime in a lot of ways… but our fan base is still as solid as ever."

"You're still appealing. …In a geriatric rocker type way." I muttered.

"…Thank you, Roxas. You've always been the charmer, haven't you?"

"I try."

He chuckled, "…What I'm saying is. …I haven't really taken the time to look back on the years and say that I'm glad for the way things have turned out. Even with all that success, there was still something missing. Some little part of my life was empty and I couldn't figure out what it was." Axel turned to look at me, "I didn't think it was you when we first met. I'm going to be honest, I didn't even think we'd last long from the way things were going."

"We weren't."

"I know." He said, "As Ansem used to say, it was a precarious situation. I used to come home defeated most days. I didn't think anything was going to get through to you. But, I was idealistic at twenty three. …Optimistic, I guess. I didn't have the same demons I used to when I was younger, so why not pay it forward?"

"Is that how you saw it?"

"Sure, in the beginning. Roxas, you were a fucking mess. I don't know how you didn't fall apart and just die on the spot." Axel replied, "You were a robot operating on empty. I don't know how _I _even kept it together when you were biting my head off at any chance you got. So I injected humor into any possible situation that I could. Didn't work most of the time, but maybe it did … on some unknown level."

"I was ready to die." I said, "You know that. But you're getting off topic here."

"I know, I know." He said, "What I'm trying to say is … life would be really empty without you. I don't think … I don't think after these last four years that I'd be willing to let you go after one stupid argument that went horribly south when it shouldn't have," Axel turned to look at me, "We've come too far for something like this to permanently break us apart."

"…Then … then talk to me."

"About what?"

"About last time."

"My mother?" He asked.

"Yeah, talk about her."

Axel was silent for a minute and lowered his gaze. He was pensive, as if thinking about where he should start, "I told you before that she fell off the deep end when my father died."

"No, I mean don't talk _about _her. Talk about her."

"You're not making sense, Rox."

"My father makes me feel inadequate. Like I was the son he should have never had. Like I was the one failure in his life in a series of successes that he couldn't get rid of and couldn't stop thinking of no matter how hard he tried. I tried to be the best son I could be, but it wasn't enough. Something was always wrong with me even when I tried to fix it. I don't want a relationship with him because it isn't healthy for me…" I sighed, "…Do you understand what I mean now?"

"Oh…" Axel replied, "…She …she's _poison_, Rox. You've seen the scars on my body to prove it. This is a woman who chose drugs and faceless men over her own children. Thinking about her makes me want to throw up until there's nothing left in my body and I'm a hollow vessel. I don't want a relationship with her. I _don't _care anymore. At this point if she were to die and we never mended our relationship, I don't even think I'd feel anything."

"How similar we are."

"Yeah, I know. It's kinda funny … in a sick way." He stretched his arms out behind his head, "That's it, Rox. That's really it. There's no profound reason for me to hate her. She was a terrible mother and abused her children instead of protecting them."

"And …"

"And I don't want anything to do with her." He said, "I've said it a hundred times before already and I feel like I can't say it anymore. She's here to help my grandmother? Okay, that's cool. I don't want anything to do with her, but I'll be civil for Avó's sake. Is that …is this what you wanted to hear?"

"…Somewhat." I replied, "I just want to know what's going on in your head. Like you always tell me. I don't want you imploding and running off to go get drunk with Demyx and Zexion when things are too much for you to handle."

"I haven't done that in ages."

"…You did it right after the funeral last autumn."

"That's because the situation was still fresh." Axel countered. When he saw the look I was giving him, he sighed, "All right. All _right_. I understand. If I'm feeling like the world is caving in on me you want me to come find you and talk like a self absorbed teenage girl. I get it. Talk, talk, talk. You sound like Ansem."

"…You know, for someone with a psych degree, you can be a real idiot at times."

"Yeah, I guess I am." He grinned, "So…?"

"I still meant what I said. This talk doesn't magically fix everything … but it's a start." I said, "…And I'm glad you stuck around for us to have this talk."

"Hey, you were so adamant about kicking me out earlier."

"Yeah, but you stopped me." I pushed myself up so that I was sitting up in bed, "…Do you … wanna order in?"

"You mean I can stay?"

I frowned, "Only for a little while. I'll make sure to feed you before I send you packing back to Zexion and Demyx and …" I paused for a minute, "…Xion. Where is she?"

Axel began to grin, "Wanna have a little date with the past?"

"Not exactly… but it has been a long time. I'm curious to see how she's doing." I said, "…To be honest I saw her in the casino last night. Did a double take when I realized who she was."

"Did she see you?"

"I'm sure she did but I ran away before she even got to say anything."

"_Now _who's running away from their problems?"

"She isn't a problem, I just …" I sighed, "I've been dreaming about the past a lot lately. I wasn't expecting to see her here of all places either."

"What about the past?"

"Just stupid teenage stuff." I said.

"Is that why you woke up yelling Hayner's name?"

"…I heard sirens." I muttered, "I was dreaming about … that … day."

"…Sorry." Axel murmured. He picked up his phone, "It's almost two."

"Are you _serious_?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, you were out for pretty much this whole morning. Stone cold dead. Do you know how much you had to drink last night?" Axel pushed himself up so that he was sitting up again, "By the way, before you even ask me. Your pants are in the shower."

"…What the hell?"

"I woke up to find you in the tub in the middle of the night, covered in vomit and moaning about your dignity." Axel replied, "Wasn't a pretty sight, let me tell you."

"I guess it _is _love when you willingly clean vomit off of your significant other after having a massive blow out just months prior." I sighed, "…But, I want to see Xion. It's the least I can do if she's going to be around your annoying insufferable ass more so than I'd like."

"I missed your backhanded compliments, Rox. They were the light of my day." Axel said, leaning in to sneak a kiss on my cheek.

I pushed him away and his laughter was muffled underneath my hand, "Idiot. Now stop harassing me and make yourself useful and look on that side of the bed and see if there's a menu or something somewhere for room service. I'm hungry."


	23. Brothersport

**23; brothersport**

"So…did you and Axel talk while we were gone?"

"If you wanna call it that."

"What's that supposed to mean, Roxas?"

"It means that my relationship problems aren't important right now. Spending time with my brothers is." I replied, sinking down into the hot tub so that the bubbling water covered my shoulders.

"…But you're seeing him tonight."

"_No_. I'm going to go see Xion tonight." I replied.

"Xion Passerini… that's a name I haven't heard in ages." Sora whistled under his breath and reached behind him for his fruity, alcoholic drink. "Think she'll remember you?"

"I've seen her before." I said, "I mean I saw her the other night. She looks the same."

"What? _When_?!" Sora asked.

"In the casino. Right before everyone went crazy the other night…" I paused and shook my head, "Correction, before_ I_ went crazy the other night. By the way, what in the world did you guys do while I was out of commission?"

"…Strip club." Sora muttered so low I could barely hear him.

"You _what_?"

"We went to a _strip _club. It was Irvine's idea. I … went for moral support." Sora said. Was he blushing right now? He glanced up at me and then lowered his eyes again, "Don't look at me like that, Rox."

"Did you enjoy it?" I asked.

"_No_, I didn't _enjoy it_." He snapped, his infamous pout already coming to his face, "I hid out in the bathroom for most of the night."

"Sora, you're such a derp." I leaned back to reach for my beer and tipped it to my lips, "I'm telling Riku when we get home."

"Oh _no_ you're not." Sora protested, "You weren't even there! You can't tell him anything."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I could always find out what happened from Cloud."

"_Roxas_."

"What are you two arguing about?" I looked up to see Cloud closing the double doors of the living room behind him and walked the expanse of the back yard to where Sora and I were currently sitting in the hot tub. He glanced at Sora pouting in my direction and then looked at me. "Teasing Sora again, Roxas?"

"He's an easy target." I said, looking up at Cloud and shrugging my shoulders. He looked like he was about to step out of the villa for a bit, "You're dressed early."

"Leon and I are going to check out the Forum." He replied, "There are some things I want to pick up while we have some downtime before tonight."

"You mean over in Caesers Palace?" I asked.

"Yeah. Balthier, Irvine and Zidane are sleeping off last night and this morning. Leon wants to do something so I suggested we go and check out some of the other hotels." He folded his arms over his chest, "Dinner is at nine, right? And then you're off to your show for the night?"

"I'm only dropping by to see Xion for a bit…" I took a sip of my beer again, "…Cloud, you really don't mind that I'm missing—"

Cloud shook his head and cut me off, "Roxas, you went through the trouble of planning this whole trip. I honestly don't mind if you step out to take care of some personal business for the night." He glanced at Sora, "Besides, you have a twin for a reason."

"We're fraternal." Sora said, "Not identical."

"…I think he meant that you're my stand in, Sora."

Sora turned his pout on Cloud next, "_Stand in_?! But, I was born _first_!"

"Right." Cloud said nonchalantly and turned away from the two of us, "I'll see you two later."

"Hey, wait a minute!" Sora protested, but Cloud was already through the double doors leading back into the villa. He whipped around to look at me as I down the rest of my beer and frowned, "I'm not talking to either one of you for the rest of this trip. I hope you know that."

I shrugged as I rose from the hot tub and grabbed my towel, "Be my guest."

-x-

"So you didn't tell her I'd be coming tonight?"

"Nope." Axel replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

I had just finished dinner and walked over to the Aria to see what remained of Xion's show as Cloud and the others headed off for MGM Grand. Axel was loitering around inside the casino, cigarette in hand as he waited for me to show up. After passing through security and a series of winding hallways, I found myself underneath the stage in one of the many dressing rooms we'd passed by.

"But wasn't she with you guys at Marquee last night?"

"She was supposed to be there with us, but she didn't come. Otherwise you would have seen her last night and there would be no reason for you to be doing this right now, right?"

"She could have been hiding out backstage for all I know. Either way, that's not important." I noticed how empty the room was when we entered it, "Where's the rest of your motley crew?"

Axel shimmied off his leather jacket—why he was still wearing it in this heat, I would never understand—and shrugged, "Running around somewhere. This little show was Xion's deal, not theirs."

"So you're just here to play babysitter?"

"That's something I'm good at, don't you know?"

"First hand."

I took a seat on the couch and Axel draped his jacket over the back of one of the seats in front of the mirrors. He paused and then turned to look at me, "Want anything?"

"I just came from dinner." I replied, "And if you mean alcohol. No. I'm … good for awhile."

"Hm." He sat opposite me, "…How are you?"

"You just saw me this afternoon."

"I know." He shrugged, "But things can change in that short amount of time…"

I shrugged, "I'm fine. Sora asked if we talked, though."

"Ha, you mean your family doesn't hate me yet?" He asked.

"…If you must know my mother hasn't stopped asking about you since you left. Sora asked about you earlier today and Cloud didn't pry. You know how he doesn't get involved in stuff more than he has to." I shifted in the couch, "You already know they like you, Axel … but they also know we're going through a rough spell right now. By the way, did Zexion and Demyx ask where you were all night?"

"Yeah, _yeah_. They knew where I was. Told me to stay my ass put and take care of you, too. Less I come back to the room and face _dire _consequence." Axel sighed.

"You wanna clarify?"

"Zexion has been on my ass for _ages_ about the whole thing. Demyx pretty much called it and said I'd end up with you for the night when we saw you. They've been calling me an idiot about the whole thing for the last two months. Ugh…"

"Did _you _talk to them?"

"Yeah." Axel shrugged, "They still think I'm an idiot. But they're idiots, too."

"You and Demyx are idiots. I wouldn't dare group Zexion in with the rest of you."

"…_Thank _you, Roxas. I'll make sure to pass the word along that he has your approval." Axel replied, rolling his eyes. He glanced upward at the stage, "Anyway, Xion should be back any minute now." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and clicked around on it for a minute before looking back up at me, "What are you two going to talk about?"

I shrugged, "You know, I don't even really know. I just wanted to see her again is all."

"Sounds reasonable. It's been how many years again?"

"Close to six." I said.

"I'm sure you'll find something." Axel said, crossing his arms over his chest. His eyes flickered toward the door as if he heard something. He looked at me again before standing up and walked over to the door to open it up and peer out into the hallway. Bracing one hand on the door, he poked his head back inside, "I think she's coming. Hold on."

He let the door shut behind him and I heard his boots shuffle across the floor as he walked away. The room was quiet … almost too quiet. Oddly, I felt like I was waiting for news of an execution, not the chance to be reunited with an old friend. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears and my nerves were starting to become rattled. It made sense I guess … considering everything Xion and I had been through when we were younger. Now, here we were about to meet each other six years later.

I pushed my hands together, willing the clamminess to leave my palms and fixed my gaze on the clock overhead. I wasn't planning on staying long. Just enough to touch base and see that she was okay. I knew Axel would take care of her … so I guess I didn't have too much to worry about. The door opened all too soon and I literally jumped out of my skin when I heard her voice.

"Oh, so you didn't disappear on me again, huh?"

"Whatever could you mean by that, Xion?"

"Well, you've been slinking off unannounced for the past day or so, Axel. I should tell the label you're not holding up your end of the bargain and you're _ignoring _me." She laughed.

"Ha, right." Axel muttered, "As if you'd do that. Come on, get inside and get your stuff so we can get outta here and meet up with Dem and Zex."

"All right."

Xion hadn't changed over the years. Her hair was still as short as ever and she was still as lithe as I remember her. I noticed the rosemary tattoo on her arm as she lifted her hand to her ear to tuck her bangs away from her face. She was dressed in a simple white shirt, black pants and a light crème vest. I rose just as she turned her attention to the mirror and she instantly froze. At first she didn't say anything and stared at me as if I were some ghostly apparition.

That quickly changed when Axel entered the room and grabbed his jacket from off of the chair she was standing by. "…Well, don't just stand around like a couple of numbnuts, you two. Is this going to be a game of who says hello first?"

"No, I…" She looked at Axel and then me and shook her head, "So I wasn't dreaming when I saw you in the lobby the other night, Roxas. …I thought I was going crazy…" Xion turned to look at Axel who had put his jacket back on, "…I take it you had something to do with this?"

"Guilty. Well, kind of." He gestured toward me, "Why don't you sit down and chat with an old friend for awhile. I'm sure Roxas would love to tell you all about it cause I've got something to do."

"Like _what_?" I asked incredulously.

He shrugged, "I don't know. _Things_. Probably start an argument with Demyx or something equally as fun. I'll be back, kids."

"Axel, wait a—" Xion held out her hand as if to stop him but instantly held it to her chest as the door closed behind him. She turned to me, "…Well."

"He doesn't really need to stay here anyway, this really isn't his deal." I patted next to me on the couch, "Come and sit."

Xion lowered her arms from her chest and sighed when she realized Axel probably wasn't coming back for awhile. She turned to gauge me and then advanced toward the couch, "What are you … how are you here?"

"Cloud's getting married." I started abruptly and her eyes widened in curiosity, "I mean he's getting married _soon_. We're out here for the bachelor party."

"Oh. That's fitting, I guess." She folded her hands in her lap, "…So, you're here with your brothers then?"

"Yeah, Sora and Cloud. And the rest of the groom's wedding party." I said.

"Wow. Your brother is getting married? It's been a really long time then … longer than I thought." Xion pressed a finger under her chin in thought and then looked at me, "…Axel brought you here, didn't he? He was with you last night, wasn't he?"

"Perceptive as always. "Yeah…" I trailed off, "…That's how I found out you were here."

"Zero degrees of separation. The world is too small." She said, "I vaguely remember hearing about you in the news a few years ago while I was in Italy, but I didn't pay any attention to it. I think Axel's name came up, too. It was a tabloid or something..." Xion cocked her head to the side, "Forgive me for being far removed from pop culture journalism, but how do you two know each other exactly?"

"…It's a long story. …A _really _long story that I can't even begin right now." I replied, "Just know he helped me through some really rough stuff a couple of years back and we're kind of … together now."

"…Together." She tested the word on her tongue, "…You mean _together_?"

"Yeah. _Together_." I said. Well, sort of together. But she didn't need to know all the specifics right now. I crossed my arms over my chest, "It's funny that I run into you here. I've been dreaming about the past lately."

"You mean back when we were all together?"

"Yeah, back home." I said, "I ran into your brother about a year ago. Said you'd cut off contact with everyone and that you were living in the countryside of Italy. …Xion, what _happened _to you? Where have you been all these years? There was so much … there was so much you left behind in New York and I couldn't…" I sighed heavily, "It would have been nice to have a friend around who I could weather the storm with when everything went to shit."

"…I'm sorry that I ran, Roxas." Xion said, her voice barely a whisper. She was starting to remind me of her old self again, "A lot of stuff happened after Hayner died that I never told you about. You know my brother was involved in a lot of shady stuff in the past, right? Well, the police started investigating our family not too long after Hayner passed…"

"Someone ratted you out?"

"Yeah. Someone tipped the cops off about us. About Van, that is. Apparently, someone thought we were giving _old money _a bad name." Xion replied, "Anyway, in order to keep me away from all of the craziness, my mother thought it was best to go send me to live with my father and his family in Italy. You know, just until things settled down."

"But that didn't happen."

"No, I … I didn't want to come back. Italy was such a nice change of pace for me and my father and stepmother were surprisingly welcoming. Besides, I felt like I fit in over in Europe more so than I did over here anyway." Xion replied, "I was able to keep tabs on what was going on back home through my brother. He didn't have the luxury of leaving the states that I did because he was under investigation."

"So, what happened to him? Because last time I saw your brother he looked like he was doing pretty well."

"He moved to Miami after the whole mess and my mother returned to England about a year later. They didn't find anything, Van always knew how to cover his tracks. But, the whole thing pretty much disgraced my family and well, we've kept quiet ever since then." Xion said, "Until now that is …"

"Yeah, I heard you're the newest talent at Axel's label." I said, "I never knew you were into singing."

"It's always been a private passion of mine." She said, "When I was in Italy … my father encouraged me to pursue it. I mostly sung at private parties… some lounges and a few cafés. It was nice… but I wanted to see if I could do something different?"

"Different?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I was singing the same thing over and over again and I wanted something more …modern. Something with an edge."

"You mean you wanted to join a band." I said, "Why didn't you just stay in Italy and find a band there?"

"Roxas… Italians … aren't really known for rock, you know?" Xion smiled, "And they didn't really meet my needs or the vision I had for myself."

"Okay, so you moved back to the states and then what? That's when the label found you?"

"Actually, I found them." She replied, "…More specifically. Axel found me."

Didn't he say the label had saddled him with _Xion_ and not the other way around? I felt my eyebrows furrow inwardly and gave her a scrutinizing look, "And how did that happen?"

"It was in February." She said, "I had been living in the California for less than four months and I had this steady thing going with this crazy ass band that lived in West Hollywood. They're called _Dirge of the Fourteenth_." She waved her hand dismissively, "Anyway, Axel came to one of our shows one day and cornered me after we had finished our set and well…"

"…Where do you guys get these band names _from_?" I asked.

"What?" She asked, innocently. "Are you talking about me?"

"I'm talking about you _and _Axel. Dirge of the Fourteenth? Organization XIII? I mean, Axel's band name can be abbreviated into orgy thirteen. Like the name of some bad porno." I looked at her, "And you, I haven't figured out what yours reminds me of yet…"

"I thought it sounded kind of cool." Xion muttered, innocently fiddling with the end of her vest.

"Is your band here with you now?" I asked.

She shook her head, "No, it's just me, Axel and the guys. They're back in California."

"Don't you need a _band _to play music? I mean, that's what you're doing here, right?"

Xion shook her head, "Not exactly. I just did an acoustic set a little while ago. We're mainly in Vegas to do a little PR right now." She folded her hands in her lap, "Did Axel tell you that we're going on tour with him in the spring?"

"No, he didn't." I said, "When?"

"In June. I think the first weekend, but I have to check. We're going to do a co-release party that Saturday and then play our first show on Sunday night." She sighed contently, "Roxas. It's going to be my first EP. …I can't wait. This is more than I could ever hope for and it's happening so fast. But, enough about me. What have you been up to since I last saw you?"

"…June…?"

"Roxas?"

"Are you sure it's the first weekend in June?"

"I'm pretty sure …but I'll double check to make sure." She cocked her head to the side in worry, "Why, is something wrong?"

"It's nothing to worry about right now." I ran a hand through my hair in exasperation and looked up at her, "What have I been doing? After losing my mind after you left, I got my shit together and went back to school. …Currently working toward an English BA at NYU."

"…What do you do with a BA in English?" She hummed and then her face dropped when she saw the distant look I was giving her, "Sorry, sorry, Roxas. That was really in bad taste."

"Avenue Q, huh? Are you into Broadway, too?"

She shook her head vehemently, "No, no. That's not my style at all. Just … you pick up things here and there."

"I see. Well, that's really it." I said, "…I've honestly been more productive trying to get my mental health in check rather than focus on the outside world if you know what I mean."

"Is this what you were talking about earlier?" Xion asked, "…Roxas. What happened to you after everything with Hayner went down?"

I sighed as I was so sick of reliving and telling this story. But I would for Xion's sake. She'd been out of the loop for years. "You already know I disappeared during the summer."

"Yeah, everyone was talking about it. You went off to Arizona to … _rest._"

"Yeah. Rehab." I said, "Anyway, I basically cut myself off from everyone after I came back home."

"What about Pence and Olette?"

"Even them." I said, "I moved in with Cloud because my father was absolutely livid with the whole situation. I missed more school than probably should have been allowed, but I graduated. And then Sora and I got a place and all this stuff happened with Axel. I was in and out of hospitals, thrown back into therapy, fucking up left and right."

"…Harming yourself?" She asked.

"In more ways than one, yes." I shrugged, "It's been a couple of years. Haven't had a slip up since."

"Drugs?"

"An occasional joint here and there courtesy of Axel. But that's it." I said, "And you know I was never really a heavy drinker, but obviously I'm able to do that legally now. …You?"

"Same for the weed." She said, "It's the only thing I've touched. I don't … I don't wanna go back to those days."

"You weren't as bad as the rest of us."

"I had my moments before you met me."

"Like what?"

"It wasn't much but, I was a pill popper back in freshman year. I only stopped after ending up in the ER one night with really severe stomach cramps. That's why I only really stuck to smoking afterwards."

"You know, we've wasted so much of our lives with this stupid shit? The whole thing is stupid." I said, "Our whole past as stupid."

"…Sounding like your seventeen year old self again, Roxas." She said, kicking off her flat shoes and stretching her feet out in front of her, "Do you mind? I've been on my feet all day and want to stretch for awhile."

"No… that's fine. I was thinking the same thing to be honest." I sighed, "Anyway, back to the present. Olette and Pence are doing fine. They were expecting a kid awhile back and got engaged but all of that fell apart after Olette miscarried."

"I _knew _it." Xion said, "I had a feeling they'd get together. But, I'm really sorry to hear that. How are they now?"

"Living together as friends." I said, "…Though I don't know how exactly _that _works when you conceived and miscarried something that you created together. Whatever, that's their deal. I'm there if they need me."

"What about that other friend of yours?"

"Who? Naminé?" I asked, "She's good. She's living close by and splits her time between New York and France. …She's been in the city more so this year, though. …Is there anyone else you're curious about?"

"I think that's it." She said, "It really has been a long time, Roxas… and I'm sorry I left you so abruptly."

"You had shit to deal with."

"Yes… and you did, too." She sighed, "I still remember the last day that I saw you."

"…That's right, we fought…"

"Yeah. And you stormed out of my apartment yelling about how you were going to fix everything and prove me wrong." She gripped her arms and ran her hands down her biceps, "Roxas, I'm so sorry for that night. I should have listened to you when you told me it was getting really bad. Maybe … maybe we could have done something together to stop things from progressing down this road…"

"If we did, we wouldn't be sitting here right now. Would we?"

"No, but." Xion sighed, "My family had so much to do with the Hayner's death even if they could never prove us guilty in the court of law."

"You didn't control him, Xion. Hayner wasn't just getting stuff from your brother. You remember Lexaeus, right?"

"How could I forget? I thought I told you to stay away from that guy."

"_I _did. Hayner didn't. I was done with him after he slipped me that tab of mesc and I woke up crying in Hayner's bathtub because I couldn't stop seeing Xem—…" I paused and looked at Xion who was listening with rapt attention, "…Nothing. It was a bad trip."

She didn't press and nodded her head, "…I see…"

"So, don't blame yourself. It's been too long and we need to move on. …I've made my peace with the past and you should, too."

"I think I'll always blame myself for not being there like I should have, Roxas. But do you know how young we were? I was so scared. I knew those things could happen, but we had been safe for so long … I didn't think it would ever hit so close to home." She sighed, "…But, you're right. There's no sense in living in the past. It's stupid and it's ugly and it hurts. …Hurts a whole lot."

"I'm tired of talking about the past, you know."

"I am, too." She said, "…But it's not all bad if it's able to bring me back to you. …I've missed you over the years, Roxas. I always thought about what you were doing and how you were."

"But, you knew where I was." I replied.

"Yeah, well. Like I said before. I was afraid to come back to New York. But not anymore." She shook her head, "I'm going to land myself back in that city of lights soon enough and I'm not afraid of it anymore or the memories I've made there."

"Is that what this is about?"

"Roxas, I was a seventeen year old girl. Of course I was afraid." She said, "…I didn't have many friends in the city to begin with and you were my closest one. I didn't want to fail you, but I did. But, things are different now and I … I want to be there for you again if you'll let me. I've changed and I'm sure you have, too."

"…Yeah. Yeah, I've changed a lot." I said, "Xion, I'm not going to fault you for running away. That's how you wanted to deal with the situation and I can't judge you for however you felt about it. But don't do it anymore. There's no reason to. You don't have to run anymore. I'm not … and you shouldn't either."

Xion smiled, "It's nice to see you doing so well."

"I could say the same for you."

Xion was about to say something when there was a quick rapping on the door. Before we had a chance to respond, the door opened up and Axel poked his head inside. He glanced at Xion and then at me and smiled, "How's it going in here?"

Xion turned to me as if expecting me to answer him. "It's going fine." I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned as he was about to close the door again. "No, wait a _minute_. Get in here you."

"Oh, God. What did I do now?" Axel sighed, letting the door close behind him, "_Yes_, Roxas? What is it?"

"You're always doing something. What's this I hear about June?"

"What about June?"

I looked at Xion, "Well?"

"I think he's talking about the tour."

"Oh, yeah. _Yeah!_" Axel said, "You already knew we were releasing the album this spring so a tour was bound to follow. What gives?"

"It's the date of your first show."

"What's wrong with it?"

"…The first weekend of June is Cloud's wedding, Axel." I said, uncrossing my arms and sighing.

"Oh… _oh_." Axel bit his lip, "…Well, how about that?"

"I don't expect you to be in two places at once." I started.

"You mean your brother didn't destroy my invitation?"

"_Axel_."

"I'm _kidding, _Roxas." He sighed and took a seat opposite the two of us, "Either way, we can't change it. The ticket presale already went out a month ago and the album is almost finalized."

"Well when were you going to tell me?" I asked.

"It wasn't like I was actually in the wedding party, you know." Axel said, "I was going to be there for moral support."

"Yeah, I know." I sighed. "…It's fine. I'll be okay."

"You sure?" Axel asked.

"I mean what can I do? I can't just bow out of this. I'm Cloud's best man."

Xion's eyes lit up, "Seriously, Roxas?"

"Yeah. Didn't he tell you?" Axel asked, "That's why he's in Vegas right now instead of freezing his ass off on the East Coast."

"It's not that cold back home." I muttered.

"It is to me. I've been seeing nothing but temperatures in the 70s for the past two months. He chuckled, "Roxas, it'll be fine."

"But it's not just the wedding." I said, lowering my gaze.

"…Ah, I know. You don't wanna miss the first show." Axel turned to Xion, "This one over here is a little neurotic when it comes to touring. Says the first show sets the mood for the entire tour. I think he thinks he's my good luck charm or something."

"If you don't _shut up_."

Xion grinned and started laughing, "Oh my God, you two are so cute."

"Don't call him cute, Xion. He'll asphyxiate on your words alone."

"Don't listen to this idiot." I said, rolling my eyes. I turned to Axel, "Are you done interrupting?"

"I just came by to tell you that they're kicking us out. Zexion and Demyx are headed over this way." He shrugged, "I've got nothing else planned for the night, but I know Roxas here has to get going soon, right?"

I sighed, "Yeah, but we're taking it easy tonight. Just walking the strip and hitting up a few casinos." I turned back to Xion, "…I know you're bound to be sick of seeing Axel's face by now. Why don't you come hang out with me for the night?"

Xion began laughing again, "Your brother won't mind?"

I shook my head, "Well?"

She looked up at Axel, "We have a business brunch in the morning, don't we?"

"Yeah, that lame shit..." Axel waved his hand, "Go on, Xion. Hang out with Roxas. It's been years since you two have seen each other and I'm sure he's more than eager to talk to you some more."

"Why don't you come along?" She asked.

Axel shook his head, "Nah, I had my time to annoy the hell out of Roxas last night. Now it's your turn." He stretched his arms over his head, "Besides, I got a little something planned with my own motley crew. I'll catch up with you two later."

Xion nodded, "I'll let you know when I'm back in my room tonight."

"Ha, just send Roxas my way when you're done with him," He said, "I'm sure he'll be a gentleman and make sure you get back to the hotel safe and sound."

"I'll walk Xion back to the Aria but I don't see how _you're _involved in any of those plans." I rolled my eyes at him and moved to pick myself up off the couch, "You ready?" I asked, looking at Xion.

She nodded as she slipped her feet back into her flats and Axel opened the door to let her out first. She thanked him and turned to walk down the hall. I stopped short of the archway as he watched her leave and then turned his attention back to me.

"Well, what do you want to say? Spit it out already."

"How'd it go?" Axel asked.

"She's still the same girl I knew all those years ago. Just older." I shrugged my shoulders, "I found out why she stayed away."

"Hm?"

"It was the same thing that I felt—guilt." I looked up at Axel, "But, we've talked about that enough. The guilt thing, that is. I'm sick of talking about it."

"Yeah, me too." Axel said, letting the door close behind us.

"You'll make sure to look after her, right?"

"Is that what you'd like me to do, Roxas?"

"You may be an idiot, but I trust you with this much."

Xion stopped halfway down the hallway to look at the two of us, "Roxas? Axel? Are you two coming?

"Yeah!" He called back, reaching a hand behind my back to give me a push between my shoulders. Xion turned back around and continued walking. "You know, Rox… you're gonna call me stupid for this. I already know it. But…"

"Just say it."

"Any of this feel like déjà vu to you?" He said, "I mean the three of us together like this?"

I wanted to call him stupid. I really _really _did. But sometimes Axel was right. I mean I'd …had weird dreams before. Dreams that held a sense of nostalgia that I couldn't quite place.

There were always figures dressed in hulking black cloaks, worlds I'd never seen before. A council of twelve with faces all leering down at me. A stark white castle floating as an ethereal figure amongst an endless, black sky. A city that reminded me of home but never saw the light of day. People talking about hearts and moons and keys. Strange shadows crawling along walls, monstrous figures waiting to grab my hand and pull me into darkness.

Sometimes I dreamed of Axel and me sitting on a clock tower in a town of eternal dusk talking about nonsense. None of it ever made sense save for the stick of sea-salt ice cream he always gave me. Sometimes I dreamed of the same setting with Pence, Olette, Hayner and me. And Xion … sometimes she was there, too. But she never said much, she was always melancholic and silent amongst the chatter. Somewhat like her real life counterpart, but not exactly.

… I always dreamed of falling through darkness. Sometimes I faded amongst a sea of flames with Axel's hand stuck in my chest right where my heart should be. He always looked so angry. Like I had betrayed him in some way… or maybe he was trying to save me from myself. I don't know. I hadn't had any dreams like that lately… but Axel's question still unnerved me a bit.

"It's like that dream I had of you on your birthday three years ago."

"Hm?" He asked as we began to walk.

"You know, the one where I kicked your ass in that weird room with all the fire." I said, "You don't remember? When I said you told me we'd meet again in the next life?"

"_Oh_. That dream. Man, Rox, I'd forgotten all about that." He replied.

"You know, sometimes I dream of clock towers." I said, "You and me talking about absolute nonsense on clock towers. And we're always eating ice cream."

"Yeah, I know. You've told me about those dreams before. I think that's a sign of your overactive imagination."

"Says the guy who asks me if I've got déjà vu right now."

"Whatever, it's not important right now." He said, waving his hand to dismiss the conversation, "You and Xion go have fun tonight. Text me later, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah." I stood still as he gave me a kiss on the forehead and then pulled away, "I might stop by tonight."

"For a nightcap?" Axel asked, grinning. "You know we've got the penthouse suite… I've got my own room and—"

"That's nice. I hope you brought lotion with you." I said, turning around and walking away to meet Xion before he could even continue.

"Roxas, _Roxas_. Why must your mind always be in the gutter when it comes to me?"

"Because _your _mind is always in the gutter when it comes to me." I huffed without even sparing him a glance, "Now let's _go_. Xion is waiting."

Xion was waiting for us at the end of the hall, a smile on her face and her hands were pushed into the pockets of her vest. Axel shared a few short words with her before turning down the opposite hallway, leaving us at the split in the road. We watched him leave and then I turned to Xion as we were headed in the opposite direction.

"Ready to go?" I asked her.

"Lead the way." She replied.


	24. Someone's Missing

**24; someone's missing**

I felt an odd sense of calm as I left Xion and Axel in Vegas on that Sunday afternoon.

Sure. Things with me and Axel were still on the back burner, but we were on our way to setting them right at least. At least, I hope we were. And Xion … I hadn't expected her to come back into the picture so abruptly. But, it was nice seeing her and reconnecting again. For some friends, even if you haven't seen them for ages, your relationship never really changes no matter the distance. Does it? At least, not for me and Xion.

I returned back to New York with less of a heavy heart than I'd left it with. Despite the bumps we'd encountered on our first night, my brother was more than appreciative of the weekend away from the city. Things eventually returned to normal with Cloud returning to Tifa and the twins, Sora went back to Riku and his restaurant and I… I returned to the loft with Soro. Even if the loft was so sullen and depressing during what remained of the winter, it was spring now. It was warmer …and somewhat brighter. Besides, it wasn't the first time Axel had left me here alone for an unspecified amount of time. But, it was the first time that it felt so empty.

I didn't have time to sit around for long because I was right back on a plane flying across the country again—this time to see my little sister. After a month and a half, Rikku had reached a point in treatment where they were allowing her to have visitors. So my mother and I were on an 8AM flight that Friday morning bound for Colorado. After we left the airport with our luggage, we hailed a cab to our hotel to drop off our stuff and then headed for the treatment facility where Rikku was staying at.

When we pulled up to the center and got out of the car, I saw my sister waiting just behind the glass doors of the front entrance. Rikku had changed in the short month and a half since I'd last seen her. She'd hacked all her hair off again into something reminiscent of a pixie cut. Her eyes seemed brighter … maybe because her face wasn't hidden behind the makeup she always insisted on caking up around her eyes. I know, _I know_. Rikku was in the fashion industry… but less is more sometimes.

She hugged my mother and then turned her attention on me. Rikku's smile was demure at first, as if she didn't know exactly what to say when I stood there looking at her. There was a certain softness in her eyes that hadn't been there before. Like whatever harsh substance had been eating at her was starting to dissipate and she was starting to become her old self again.

"Roxas." She began, looking up at me.

Telling her she looked good would have been calling her fat and stirring whatever insecurities of hers still lingered under the surface. I returned her smile with a faint one of my own, placed my hand on top of her head and ran my fingers through the short spikes of her hair.

"You cut your hair again."

Her smile turned into one of her signature toothy grins and her dimples finally appeared in her cheeks, "That's the first thing you say to me?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest, "Do you like it?"

I shrugged my shoulders and then nodded, "What made you cut it again?"

"I dunno. Wanted a change." She said, shrugging her shoulders. "I just did it recently, actually. I had to fight with administration, but you know how people always give in to me." She stepped away and let my hand drop to my side, "Come on, I'll give you guys a tour of the place."

We followed Rikku past the nurse's station in the front of the treatment center. She waved at them and brought us over to meet the head nurse and one of her assistants. The head nurse engaged my mother in quick, rapt discussion about Rikku and told her she'd been pleased with the progress my sister was making. My mother could only smile as she thanked them and we were on our way.

Rikku took us down another hallway, showing us areas where residents gathered for therapy and various common room areas. It was all too familiar. Except the place Rikku had been shipped off to looked like a spa in comparison to the jail cell I had been locked away in so many years ago.

"So, is there anything in particular that they're going to let us do with you today?" My mother asked as Rikku brought us out into a garden area where a few residents were gathered.

"Well, my therapist wants to meet with you guys. My regular therapy sessions are scheduled for three, but we'll be turning that into family therapy because you guys are here." Rikku said, as she set us up in some chairs on the veranda. "And … they might …_just _might let you take me off the premises for a little while. Maybe we can go out to dinner or something. Just how long are you guys here for, anyway?"

"We leave tomorrow afternoon." I replied.

"Bummer." Rikku sighed, pulling her feet into the chair and rocked back into it so she could cross her legs. "So? How are things going back in the city?"

"Things are good." My mother glanced at me and then back to Rikku, "I'm sorry your brother's couldn't be here with us as well. Cloud couldn't pull himself away from the twins as Tifa had to fly away to Europe for business this weekend. And Sora was supposed to come with us, but his head manager came down with a nasty cold so he's stuck looking after the restaurant, but …"

"We're here." I said, "And that's what should matter."

Rikku waved her hands as if to dismiss our brother's absences, "Yeah, I'm not going to throw a fit over you guys visiting me in this place…"

She trailed off, and folded her hands between her thighs. As open and receptive as my sister had appeared over my mother and I, I knew some doubts still lingered. We were still strangers on what was her home turf at the moment. There was shame where there shouldn't be, but I knew nothing I said was going to fix that. Rikku had to fix that herself.

"How is it here?" My mother asked, sensing my sister's growing discomfort.

Rikku perked up a bit, "Well…" She glanced over her shoulder and then turned back to us, "I'm not gonna lie. I hated everything when I first came here. The first night they were on my case about almost everything." She tucked a stray bang behind her ear, "Eat this, don't do that. There were so many _rules _I thought I was going to lose my mind. And then they want you to _process _everything."

"Process?" My mother asked, but I already knew what Rikku was talking about. A part of me found this somewhat humorous, because I understood her annoyance with the system almost immediately.

"Yeah, you know…" Rikku huffed and looked at me, "Help me out, bro?"

"She means they make you analyze every little thing that you do in here." I said.

"Oh…" My mother said, "_Oh_, you mean … okay, I get it. But, what's so bad about that?"

Rikku gripped the sides of her chair and instantly shot up, "Are you _kidding_ me, mom? What's so _bad_? Say it's raining right? God forbid you brood while staring out the window while it's raining." She inhaled and straightened her posture, "_Rikku, what does this falling rain represent for you? How do you feel when you watch the rain splatter against the window? Do you feel sad? Let's talk about it Rikku. _THEY NEVER END."

"It's not that bad."

"_Roxas_. I know you went through the same thing." She said, "First in detox and then again with Saïx and Ansem. You know it _is _that bad."

"Maybe your therapists were a lot more brain dead than mine were."

"Maybe." Rikku rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders, "But, I like my therapist. You'll see. She's pretty cool…"

"Are you getting along with the other patients?"

"Residents." Rikku corrected my mother, "Sorry… people get a little sensitive about that word around here. But, yeah, it's okay. My roommate is this really quiet girl named Yeul. She's younger than me by like five years, but we get along pretty well."

"She's fifteen?" My mother asked, "So young…"

"Yeah, they're people younger than that here though." Rikku murmured, "A nine year old came in a week and a half ago. And there are some older patients as well. People from all over the country. That little disorder we all have in common here? It really doesn't discriminate."

"I see. As long as you're doing better. That's what really matters." My mother said, folding her hands in her lap.

"Mmm?" Rikku nodded, "Yeah, I'm doing way better than I was before I went crazy back in New York. Like I said, it was rough in the beginning. But, things are better now…"

"Have you had any other visitors besides us?"

"Yunie's coming sometime next week." She replied, "…And she's bringing Paine with her."

"Oh, that should be nice." My mother said, but I don't think she caught the underlining dread in my sister's voice. "Rikku... before you continue. Where's the restroom, honey?"

"Go back through the doors I led you through and make a right at the first intersection."

"Gotcha. I'll be right back."

We both watch my mother rise and leave through the double doors of the veranda. I turned to Rikku and watched her fiddle around with her nails. Now we could _really _talk without her having to mince words around my mother.

"This is how you really wanted to talk, right? Just waiting for mom to leave?" I asked.

"Yeah, I wanted a moment alone with you. I love her Rox, but she doesn't get this stuff like you do."

"Are you afraid?" I asked.

Rikku was pensive, biting her lower lip and lowered her gaze to the floor. She shrugged her shoulders when she looked back up at me, "I can't be afraid anymore, can I?"

"It's normal considering the terms you left on."

"She was so angry with me for so long." Rikku sighed, "I'm more than nervous to see her."

"She's not going to judge you, Rikku. She cares about you as much as Yuna does." I replied, "…I think she'll be happy to see you're doing well after everything you went through last autumn."

"Paine doesn't do _happy_, Roxas. You know her." Rikku giggled, "But, I guess you're right. Me and Yunie have been exchanging letters since I've been in here and she talks about Paine from time to time. I know Paine flew out to California sometime last month while I was in here and she asked about me. So, I guess it'll be okay."

"Sometimes…" I sighed, "…Sometimes, Rikku… it's hard finding the middle ground between caring about someone and being so fed up with them because they're being stupid and trying to destroy themselves…" I trailed off and folded my arms over my chest.

"Something wrong?"

"No, it's just… Rikku. Relationships are work, okay? Any type of relationship is pure and utter work. And at times, one person gives more than the other and things fall to shit. That's what happened with Paine and you. She wanted you to open up and get help and you refused. But, things aren't as black and white as that. Things never are. She just … the two of you have been friends for as long as I can remember and calm as she may be, I'm pretty sure she was freaking out when she saw you."

"All of you were." Rikku said, "And I'm sorry for worrying you… but that's why I'm here now."

"Yeah… and it looks like whatever they're doing for you here is working."

"…Thanks, Roxas." She smiled just as my mother came back onto the veranda and sat down next to me.

My mother glanced at Rikku and then back to me, "Well, whatever you two talked about while I was gone must have been good. Care to fill your mother in?"

"It's …" Rikku began and then looked at me.

"Sorry mom, sibling stuff." I said.

"You know you can't hide secrets from your mother, Roxas." She looked at my sister, "Neither can you, Rikku."

"Yeah, if you say so." Rikku said, giggling. "Anyway we should probably head inside soon. It's almost time for my session."

-x-

The therapy session with Rikku's therapist wasn't too different from what I was expecting. Albeit, I'd never been subjected to a family therapy session before, it was pretty much what I imagined it to be. Process, process, process. How do you feel when so and so did this? I'm sensing a lot of tension in the room, can any one of you expound on this? You know, generic therapist stupidity.

We talked a lot about what Rikku and I had already discussed two months ago when she was puking her guts out in the loft. Basically, her coming back to New York with the weight of the world on her shoulders and her feeling like she had no one else to turn. Some more stuff about her time in England that my mom didn't know about dropped out—like her drug use. My mother was remarkably straight faced when Rikku admitted to it… but she didn't seem too surprised. I guess after everything that happened with me, there wasn't much that surprised her anymore.

After her session, Rikku was cleared to leave the premises with us for the rest of the day. We went around Denver taking in the sights of the city. Rikku hadn't been out much, but she took us to some of the more historical sites that she'd visited on one of the few outings the treatment center had taken her on. Afterwards, we took her out to dinner… and neither of us had to push her to eat. There were a few little kinks that still had to be ironed out—(she started to do that weird rearranging thing with her food, but stopped when she realized I was looking at her)—but overall we were able to have a relatively normal meal together.

My mother wouldn't tell me until we were on the plane on our way back home, but Rikku's therapist pulled her aside after the session to discuss plans to ship Rikku back to New York in the beginning of May. She'd been making progress and felt as though there were little else to cover in her treatment in Colorado. My mother was conflicted of course. Rikku would be back for the wedding, but she kept asking herself—and me on our way back home—if two months seemed like a sufficient amount of time to spend in residential treatment. In the scope of a year, sixty days wasn't all that much. …But maybe it was enough. After all, the real world doesn't wait even when you're stuck inside trying to fix the parts of you that have long since died.

We dropped Rikku back off at residential and returned to our hotel for the night. My mother was oddly talkative that night. Going back and forth between what she'd done wrong—(as usual, she has a horrible habit of ruminating)—and how much better things were now. I told her to calm down and stop getting so anxious about everything. Rikku would be home soon and from the looks of it, staying in New York for awhile. She didn't have to worry about my little sister running away from home to head back to Europe when all she really wanted was to stay close to home—close to us—in the city.

We saw Rikku one more time in the morning before our flight back to the city. Once we were back in New York, I devoted my time between being a slaver to college and getting involved in ridiculous wedding stuff for Cloud. Pence, Olette and Naminé were my salvation on the weekends when I needed to bury myself in one shot glass too many and forget that my family existed for a few hours. …Not in the depressed sense where I wanted to go numb and forget myself. I mean in the—they were driving me absolutely mad—sense. I was _never _getting married. Sorry, nope. Either Axel and I would be engaged for the rest of our lives or we were running off and eloping somewhere. I was never subjecting myself to this _madness_.

Anyway, April tapered off in a blur of ivory dresses, stark black tuxedos, floral arrangements, and_ invitations_ and May brought along finals and endless papers. I think I probably stopped thinking… or breathing somewhere in mid-May. I don't know how I was still alive.

Rikku came back to New York in early May as we had expected. She planned on staying with my mother over the summer until she found her own place. It was nice having her back … she was less avoidant than she had been and was pretty much back to her old self. You know, loud, rambunctious and meddling Rikku. Sora had his partner in crime back and Cloud and I could worry about her safety a little less.

Axel and I talked every now and then. Most of the time he would text me because trying to coordinate my schedule while he was burning the midnight oil in California was nearly impossible. The album was on its way to being finalized and from the sounds of it, Axel said it was their _best work yet_. He _always _said that about a new album though. I'd give it a listen when he sent it my way. (Contrary to popular belief, I'd grown to tolerate Axel's music a little more than when we'd first met).

It was nice, although it made me feel a little lonely at times, to hear his voice again.

It was nice to be able to _talk _again.

-x-

"How long are we going to do this pillow talk thing for?"

"…Pillow talk?"

"You've never seen that movie? It's really old. Back when they had party lines and crap." Axel said, "I can't remember who plays in it. But it's like these two people live in the city and they share a phone line and this dude—"

"Axel, this sounds really interesting. _Really, _it does. But we don't share a party line and …what's your point?" I asked.

"I was getting to it before you so _rudely _interrupted me." He huffed, "Anyway, the movie really doesn't have anything to do with pillow talk because they don't have sex if I'm remembering it correctly."

"Neither are we."

I thought I heard him mutter something that sounded strangely like—_don't remind me—_under his breath and he sighed, "Okay, yeah. Obviously. You know what? Just forget I mentioned it." Axel sniffed and I heard him messing around with something on his end, "What are you doing?"

"Laying on my pillow talking to you."

"See. Pillow talk."

I sighed, "Do you have anything worth talking about tonight? Or can I go to sleep already?"

"You don't have anything to do." Axel said, "Didn't you take your last final three days ago?"

"Yeah, well. I'm currently a slave to my brother and soon to be sister-in-law if you haven't noticed." I said, groaning at the thought, "They fit me for my tux today."

"…_Excuse_ me, what did you say?"

"They fit me for my tux today." I repeated, "What the hell? Do you have horrible reception or something?"

"…Roxas Ardenwell. What in the _hell _is wrong with you?"

"Axel Ramirez, what the hell is wrong with _you_?" I paused, "…Wait, don't answer that. I don't think _anyone _can tell me the answer to that question."

"Ha, ha." He mock laughed, "You didn't think to send me pictures?"

"Is that what this is about?" I asked incredulously while slapping my forehead, "You are _unbelievable_."

"Not really considering how long it's been since I've last seen you." Axel replied, "Well? How'd it fit?"

"It fit _fine_."

"You're not going to send me any pictures?"

"_No_."

Axel sighed, "…Oh, Roxas. Why must you be so cruel? Not like it matters." He snorted, "I'll just get Sora to take pictures for me while you're not looking. Or maybe your mom…"

"You _do not _have my mother's number."

"On the contrary, Roxas. I do." He said, "You know, just for _emergencies._ I've got you surrounded on all four corners. And besides, why are you being such a girl about all of this? If I were there at the wedding I would have seen you anyway."

"Yeah, but you want these pictures for perverted purposes. Don't lie to me."

"Uh, duh. Why else would I want them?" He laughed, "…Really though. Look at it this way. You guys are almost there. Pretty soon June'll be here and you won't have to worry about this giant headache that's become your brother's wedding. I think you've done well despite everything."

"You really think so?"

"Come on, Rox. This is you we're talking about." Axel chuckled, "You've done really well handling all of this… and if no one has said it so far, I'm saying it now. You just have a little more to go before you can take the summer off and not think about anything for the next three months."

"What about you?"

"Well, I've got a tour to worry about." Axel replied, "But …"

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Once all of this is over, you'll know right where I'll be."

"…I kind of hoped you'd say that." I could hear the smile in his voice, "Anyway, you should go. I've got to get back to rehearsal. Demyx just poked his head in here for the third time to yell at me to get going."

"Okay…" I trialed off, "…Call me tomorrow?"

"For more pillow talk?"

"Yeah. For more pillow talk."

"Sure, Rox. If that's what you want…" He sighed, "Same time tomorrow, then?"

"Yeah, same time tomorrow…"

"All right then …" He paused, "…Love ya, Rox. Goodnight."

"Yeah …love you, too."

-x-

I woke up on the morning of June 5th feeling like _I _was the one getting married.

Sora burst into my room in our suite without even _knocking, _wailing my name as loudly as possible. I hadn't even been up for more than ten minutes and already we were having our first crisis of the morning. When I pushed myself up in bed and out of the sheets to see what Sora's problem was, I instantly cringed at a bright, swollen mark under his left eye and another on his right cheek. _Hives_.

"You _ate _the pistachios last night. Didn't you, Sora?"

"They're all over my body." Sora wailed, sitting down on my bed. "On my arms, on my legs. I want to scratch my skin off, Roxas. They itch so badly."

"Jesus Christ, Sora. Didn't I tell you to stop eating the damn cupcakes after your third one?" I got out of bed and instantly reached for my phone on the bedside table, "Have you seen mom?"

"No. I came straight to you."

"What the _hell _am I going to do?" I asked, scrolling through my contacts list.

"…Well, you're the best man. You're supposed to _fix _these things."

"I'm not a god damn pharmacy, Sora. Christ." I said. I instantly found our mother's number and dialed her as quickly as possible. Knowing her she was out in the area picking up last minute supplies, "Please, mom… pick up."

"Look, I got a little carried away. I know." Sora muttered as my phone kept ringing, "But, Roxas. They were _so _good."

"A _little_? Have you seen your face, Sora? God, this is what you get for being a fatass." I said, hanging up the phone when she didn't pick up. "Dammit. I can't go out and pick up anything right now."

"…There's Riku." Sora said, "He should be on his way to the hotel right now."

"Well why didn't you call him? Why come in here and thrust your disfigurements in my face when I should be on my way to Cloud's room to make sure he's up already?"

Sora huffed, "I'm not disfigured, I—"

Someone began knocking on my door before Sora could finish and I groaned inwardly, "Who is it?"

My little sister poked her head, "Roxas, sorry to bother you. But, I'm looking for mom, I—" She paused when she saw Sora sitting on my bed and her green eyes instantly lit up in a mixture of shock and amusement, "Holy _shit, _Sora! Look at you!"

"_Rikku_."

"You _idiot_, did you eat those cupcakes last night?!" She asked, trying to stifle the laughter that was already building in the back of her throat, "Oh my fucking God, when Cloud sees you he's going to look at you like you're the class moron. I can't believe this. This is gold. Wow, what a way to start off the morning, Sora."

"No, I haven't seen mom. Now get _out _of here, Rikku and go back to Tifa's suite." I paused, "How did you even get in here to begin with?"

"Cloud let me in." She said, looking behind her as my older brother appeared in the doorway, "Guess that's my cue to leave then. Thanks, Rox. I'll go look for her elsewhere."

Cloud took Rikku's place and looked at me and then at Sora, "It's almost nine." He said.

"I know, I was just about come into your room to make sure you were up." I sighed and gestured at Sora who was still frowning at what Rikku had said, "Then this one came in here screaming his head off."

"I know. That's what woke me up." Cloud said, "…Pistachios?"

"The pistachios." I answered for Sora as he lowered his gaze.

"Hm." Cloud murmured, "We need to get those treated as soon as possible. I can't have you looking a mess today, Sora. …Even though you should know better."

"Well? What do you suggest we do?"

"I know of a few homeopathic remedies, but I need someone to pick up the ingredients." Cloud said, "Roxas, do you think you could run down to the store?"

"Don't you need me here?"

Cloud shook his head, "It won't take long to get ready. And the ceremony isn't until 1PM. Here, I'll write out a list for you…" He glanced at Sora once before leaving, "…Please be more mindful of what you eat next time, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah."

As Cloud wrote down what I needed to pick up, my mother finally called me back to tell me that part of the bridal party had run into some … female … problems … that morning and that she was picking some stuff up for them. Honestly, it was more information that I needed to know. But then again, that was mothers for you.

I texted Axel in the meantime.

_Morning already laden with stupidity thanks to Sora :/  
9:14AM_

I threw on my chucks, dashed out of our hotel suite and down onto 5th Ave in search of a drug store or a super market where I could pick up the crap Cloud had listed for me. I didn't know how long it was going to take me to find straight up aloe vera or ginger under these time constraints, so I told Sora to hop his ass in the shower and submerge himself in some cold water until I came back.

Luckily, Riku picked up his phone halfway into my mad dash around Midtown and knew of a super market nearby that sold the stuff. Meanwhile, I dropped by CVS to pick up antihistamines and baking soda. Axel replied as I soon as I stepped back into The Plaza and headed for the elevator.

_Called it XD.  
9:43AM_

When I returned I found Sora with his legs hanging over the side of a half filled bathtub. Riku was already spooning what looked to be oatmeal into the tub while the faucet ran at the end of the tub. He instantly turned to look at me when he saw me standing in the doorway of the bathroom, "Sounds like you guys already chewed him out enough this morning. I kept my lectures to a minimum." He said.

"I don't think it really matters how much we chew him out, he'll always do something stupid." I sighed, "You got the other stuff?"

"Yeah. It's in the kitchen." Riku replied, dumping more oatmeal into the tub, "I just pulled him out of the shower."

"Good." I sighed and looked down at Sora as Riku dropped one last spoonful of oatmeal onto his head, "The Ardenwells. Always starting festives off with a bang."

"I don't think you guys would have it any other way." Riku deadpanned, setting the bag of oatmeal on the counter behind us.

-x-

A couple of hours later after we had mostly de-hived Sora—and nearly everyone in my family yelled at him—the wedding party was assembled. My mother was taking care of the guests along with Tifa's parents and I knew my little sister was running around the venue along with Tifa's youngest sister, Garnet, because of some nonsense about floral arrangements. Whatever, that wasn't my deal.

I was sitting in the entryway of the main dressing room for the groomsmen fingering the small box in my pocket that contained my brother and Tifa's wedding rings. Leon was standing on the wall opposite me, the same brooding expression on his face as always. Balthier, Irvine and Sora were in the room with Cloud making sure he was put together and Zidane had stepped out to help Garnet and Rikku a little earlier. There was a sharp knock on the door and I looked to Leon as he rose to answer it.

When he opened the door, I saw over his shoulder that it was Tifa's other sister, Rinoa. She smiled at Leon once. Sora had muttered to me that he thought she had a thing for him, but that remained to be seen, "Hey, Squall. Is Cloud in?"

…_Squall_, huh? Maybe Sora was right after all_. _I hadn't heard anyone refer to him by that name in _ages_.

Leon shook his head, "He's busy right now. Why?"

"Mmm…" She pressed a finger against her cheek, "It's… a really important matter and I don't want to bother his mother with it because she's busy with my parents, but… " Rinoa clasped her hands together, "Roxas?"

I looked up and saw her peeking under Leon's arm at me. He stepped aside so she could get a better view of me. "What's wrong?" I asked when I saw her worried expression.

"Could you … come with me for a minute?" She asked, "There's a last minute guest that's shown up and I'm not entirely sure as to how I should handle them."

"Guest?" I questioned, glancing at Leon and then stood up to walk past him, "Let Cloud know I stepped out for a second if he asks where I am?"

Leon nodded wordlessly and let the door shut behind the two of us. After the door closed, Rinoa clasped her hands together and inhaled sharply, "Right, so. Seeing as you're the best man and I'm the maid of honor, this is something we can do … right?"

"Depends." I said, "What's the problem?"

"Your … father is here." Rinoa whispered, leaning closer to me.

"…Is he really?"

"Yes." Rinoa replied, "I think he came in through the back because he didn't come the way the rest of the guests did. I found him close to the Terrace and he pulled me aside to ask where Cloud was."

"So you figure I'm the next best thing?"

"Yes." She glanced over her shoulder, "Do you think you could take care of it?"

I checked my watch. Twenty minutes until show time. I looked back up at Rinoa and nodded, "Take me to where he is."

Rinoa turned around and motioned for me to follow her down the hallway leading back toward the main hall. She paused and then grabbed my hand and led me down a smaller hallway that led to a series of back rooms and the kitchen. She knocked twice on an unmarked door and I heard a familiar gruff voice on the other side.

"Yes."

Rinoa poked her head in and then pushed the door open, "Mr. Ardenwell, I'm sorry but I couldn't get Cloud. But, Roxas was available though…"

"That's fine."

"Right." Rinoa closed the door and whispered, "You think you'll be quick? We're going to start soon."

"I'll be five minutes." I said.

She nodded and probably went scurrying back off to Tifa's side. I took a deep breath, grasped the door knob and opened the door again. You see, a long time ago Cloud …had said he didn't want our father at his wedding. Sure, my mother had protested and pleaded with him that it wasn't right. That was our father; he had the right to be there on a special day that should have been shared with all of us. …But Cloud was obstinate: _If he didn't care enough to show up for the engagement dinner, why would he bother to show up for the wedding? _

And he was right. Why _should _he care to show up for the wedding? At this rate my father had missed so many important life events in the lives of all _four _of his children. Why would he care anymore? Why _should _he care anymore? Why would we care anymore? Couldn't we just leave him behind as a fading figure that melded in with the background? Why did this man keep coming back when he clearly didn't care?

Maybe it was to see what he had been missing… maybe there was some part of him that was still human despite what all of us had thought. My mother was the last one to place any sort of faith in him, but for his children … that trust? That faith? The wonderment a child has for the person that is supposed to be the protector in their life? …That was already gone.

I'd lost it when he failed to protect me from Xemnas, Cloud had lost it when he left our family at eighteen, Sora had lost it when his relationship with Riku blew up and Rikku lost it when the final stake was nailed into her back with our parents' divorce. He had lost us. He had lost each and every one of _us _and there was no getting that back no matter how hard he tried.

"…What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Roxas. Not exactly the person I was hoping to see."

"Cloud's busy right now." I said. "I can pass along whatever you have to say to him."

My father turned his steel grey eyes on me, "…Are you his best man, Roxas?"

"Yes. I am."

"Congratulations, that's quite an honor." My father mused. He paced the length of the room and settled himself on the desk, "I came to give my blessing. I thought I could do that much."

How weird of a family dynamic must you have for your own father to feel out of place at their eldest child's wedding? "Is that all?" I asked, "Because we're about to begin soon and I don't think Cloud would be too happy to know that you're here."

"I know." My father said.

"Then why did you come?"

"Foolish idealism I suppose, not that I have much left for this lifetime." He replied, "Roxas, I—"

"Stop." I said, closing my eyes and shaking my head, "Just _stop. _I don't have time for this. You've said what you had to say and I'll respect your wishes and let Cloud know. Now you should go. There's nothing else for you to say. There's nothing else that you can say that will change anything. I don't think you realize that."

"Roxas, I didn't come here to hurt any of you." My father said, "Not anymore."

"I wish I could believe you, but I don't." I said, "You were supposed to change. Three years ago, you were supposed to change and you didn't. The words came straight from your mouth after you were put on bed rest following that heart attack. You told me that you would place _all that you were _in my hands because it was too much for you to ask for my forgiveness." I shrugged, "But you know what? I'm tired of this."

"I wasn't lying when—"

"Shut _up_." I said, "I'm talking. And you're going to listen for once in your life because you_ never _do."

He went silent. Maybe he _was _ready to listen.

"Do you even know what happened to your ex-wife and children this past autumn and winter? Do you have any idea how much joy Cloud's brought mom with Marlene and Denzel? I mean, have you even _seen _your grandchildren? Yes. Grandchildren. You have _grandchildren_. You have a second generation of offspring who won't know who you are."

"That's nonsense and you know it. I've seen Marlene and Denzel."

"Cut the bull. How many times has it been? Once? Like when Tifa first gave birth last July?" I crossed my arms and leaned against the door, "What about Rikku?"

"I was _there_ for her, Roxas."

"Two hours spent putting her up in a fancy room in some hospital doesn't count in comparison to the hours I had to spend making sure she didn't binge and purge herself to death after my birthday." I replied, "What about visiting her in treatment to see how she was progressing? She could have visitors after April. Or let me guess? You just couldn't pull yourself away from work again?"

"None of us knew—"

"I said _I _was going to_ speak _**and **_**you **_were going to _**listen**__."_ I snapped, getting more and more fed up with every time he interrupted me. "And mom … mom is so _happy _now. She's no longer sullen and withdrawn. She's got this spark of life I haven't seen in her for years. And why? Why is she like that? I don't want to say your marriage did it to her, but it was. It really was… because for so long she was so demure because of you." I sighed, "And it's not to say that it was completely her fault either. I know both of you had your share of flings, you more than her. And I hate to say it, but considering our family life … I guess it's to be expected."

"And what of you, Roxas?"

"When everything threatened to fall apart, I was the one that held us all together this time." I said, "Remember when there was a time when everyone felt like I was going to off myself in the heat of the moment? It's not like that anymore. It hasn't been that way for quite some time now and … its refreshing. It really is. No matter how much all of this stressed me out, I genuinely felt … relieved to be able to do something for someone for once."

"Well." My father said, "Since you have all the answers Roxas, what do you propose I do?"

"Leave and never come back."

"_What_?" He asked.

"You _heard _me. You need to leave." I replied, "Look at what you're doing now. You're forcing yourself into a situation you have no business being in."

"Cloud is my _son_."

I shook my head, "There you go again missing the point like always. You just _don't _listen, do you?" I asked again. "He's your son, but he didn't want you here. Don't you think that speaks volumes about what type of relationship he has with you right now? …Cloud's going to be twenty six this year and he's old enough to decide who he wants and who doesn't want in his life." I looked up at my father, "…You need to let everyone come to _you_. When _they're _ready. Not when you show up and decide you're ready to be a father again. It just … it just doesn't work that way. You're trying to control the situation like you always do."

"I'm not _trying _to control anything. I'm trying to show you all that I'm _here_. When you say I never am, I'm making an attempt to be _here _for once in my fifty eight years of life, Roxas."

"But you are. You're trying to control it by being here. If you were wanted here, Cloud would have you here. That's what it boils down to and I don't think you see it." I shook my head, "You continuously beat, pound and scream on the door even when it's closed and there's hope of it ever opening. You don't know how to knock. A gentle rasp accompanied by simple, _can I please come in_? That's all it takes … that's all it takes, _dad_, and you never do it."

"Roxas, that's enough. I didn't come here for a lecture from a child."

"...And you see, that's all we are to you. Children who could never speak how they felt. Children who were meant to be stifled rather than encouraged. How many times have I said this and you still don't seem to understand? You're so stuck on being the _man _and the _head _of the house … but look around you. Everyone _left_. You don't have a _house _anymore. Just an empty and hollow cave you try to call home." It was sad. This whole damn situation was so fucking sad, but I didn't have any more tears or words to waste on it anymore. "Now go. Just go before everyone finds out you're here and you ruin this day for everyone including me."

My father shook his head and sighed, "All right, Roxas. I'm done. I'm finished. I'm finished with all of this. You five can do whatever the hell you want because I am _done_." He turned to look at me, "Just know that one day… maybe not now, maybe not later. But, one day all of you will look back on this and regret it. _All _of it."

"No…" I said, opening the door and instructing him to leave, "_No_. For once… for once in my life… I don't think we will."

I don't think _I _will.

-x-

I returned to my brother's side just before anyone had time to question where I went. As we were lining up and preparing to enter the chapel—venue, whatever you wanted to call it—Rinoa sent me a quick questioning glance and I nodded to her to let her know I'd taken care of whatever had come up. She smiled back at me and then turned around to face the doors again.

The wedding itself was beautiful. The lights were dimmed overhead and white candles littered every possible surface they could find. The archways leading into the venue were swathed in creme and ivory and the ground was padded with a soft, white satin runway leading to the altar where my brother was waiting. My mother and Rikku literally sobbed through most of it and Sora grumbled to me that his handkerchief was ruined when Rikku returned it to him streaked with mascara and red lipstick. We posed for pictures, flowers were thrown and I was pretty much blind from all the flashing lights when the reception rolled around.

I gave my speech about Cloud, recounting our days as children and how he always looked after Rikku, Sora and I and threw in some memorable stories for a little added humor. I was also the first person to officially welcome Tifa to our crazy ass family. I told her I hope she would stay despite how insane things could be at times. People ate, my mother and Cloud's new in-laws got more than a little drunk and I danced with my sister and Tifa's sisters for awhile before I managed to slink off for a minute alone to talk to Axel.

I'd had little chance to talk to him inbetween all the madness that surrounded me that morning and afternoon. But now that things were winding down and the attention was focused solely on Tifa and Cloud, I figured fifteen minutes couldn't hurt much, right?

Rikku walked by me holding Marlene in her arms when she caught me leaving the reception hall, "And just _where _are you off to?" She asked, bouncing Marlene on her hip.

"Jesus, Rikku." I muttered, "To make a quick phone call. Is that all right with you?"

"I dunno. Depends on who it's to." She glanced at my phone and the way I was clutching it. "Lemme guess… a certain man with crazy red hair who basically dwarfs you in height? Hm? Am I right?"

"Yes, I'm calling _Axel_. Now could you _please _go away?"

"Fine, fine. I know when I'm not wanted." My niece babbled away in her arms and she kissed her on the cheek, causing Marlene to shriek happily, "Come on, Marlene. Uncle Roxas is being a bonehead and trying to call his _boyfriend _so let's leave them alone, shall we?"

I turned around and walked away, trying to find a vacant room of some sort to make my phone call in when I spotted Cloud and Leon talking just outside the double doors of the venue. I tried to get out of sight, but Cloud caught me immediately and turned to look at me.

"Roxas, come here?"

_Crap_. I walked up to Cloud, phone grasped in my hand as if I were about to crush it. He nodded to Leon who left us alone and turned back down the hallway toward the reception hall, "…Yes?"

"Who did you see earlier today?"

_Fuck. _Was that what they were talking about?

Cloud glanced at Leon's retreating form, "Leon says Rinoa came by earlier to talk to me before the wedding. That there was a discrepancy with a guest?"

"Yeah…" I said, "…I took care of it, though."

"Who was it though?" Cloud asked. When I was mum on answering he sighed, "Roxas. I won't be mad. Just tell me who it was."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Our father." I said, "He came back to give you his … _blessing_."

I saw his eyes cloud over in thought, "Was that all?"

"He seemed intent on staying. I made him leave." Cloud still seemed to be processing what I was saying so I continued, "He thought he belonged here and I told him he wasn't helping his relationship with any of us by forcing his way in. He said we would regret forcing him out … I told him we wouldn't."

"…Did you really?"

"Yes." I said, "Cloud… everything that happened here today is a new beginning for you. And as your best man, isn't it my job to make sure everything goes smoothly? To make sure someone doesn't ruin it? That's all I was doing…"

I thought I saw a hint of a smile cross Cloud's face, "I guess I made the right choice then, huh? I wouldn't have been angry if I saw him though. But, I'm glad you took care of that for me either way." He reached into his back pocket, "I have something for you, Roxas. I was waiting for the right moment to give it to you, and I guess this is it."

"What is it?" I asked as he slid a white envelope into my hands.

"Nothing big. I just like to keep tabs on the things that make my siblings happy." He replied.

I slid my finger under the fold and opened it and pulled out a thin, folded piece or paper. As I unfolded it I realized what it was immediately. "…An airplane ticket confirmation?"

"Yes." He said, "And to where?"

"To …" My eyes drifted to the bottom of the page, "…Cloud, this is for California."

"You said Axel couldn't be here because of a scheduling conflict but said nothing else of the matter." Cloud replied as I folded the paper back over in my hand and lowered my gaze. Had my older brother really … did he _really… _"…I did a little research. There's a concert today, Roxas. You _never _miss Axel's concerts if you can help it."

"…_Cloud_."

He looked down at his watch, "Axel shouldn't go on until about nine and it's ... about one o'clock in California now. …If you leave now you should be able to make your flight. Just barely, might I add."

"There's no way I'll make it to the airport in time." I said, looking at my own watch. The flight was for 5:30PM. It was almost 4:15PM.

"It'll take you fifteen minutes to get from here to LaGuardia if traffic's good." Cloud said, "And the longer you stick around here talking to me, the more likely you're going to miss your flight. Now get _going_."

"Cloud, are you—"

"_Roxas_." He said, "It's fine. It's _more _than okay. You spent enough time making sure everyone else was okay today. Now it's time for you to be happy, all right? Now, go. There's bound to be a taxi out there already waiting for you. I won't have you wasting any more time. I'll let everyone know you had something to take care of, okay? Go enjoy yourself."

I wanted to resist the urge to hug my brother, but I couldn't. He swatted me away as quickly as I had hugged him and I turned on my heel, nearly broke down the front door of The Plaza and ran out onto 5th Ave. I was greeted with a rush of paparazzi and fought through the throng so a taxi could almost fly into me and kill me when I ran out onto the street. But, I didn't care. I don't know, I'd become possessed by something. Something that was screaming at me and spiking my adrenaline to the point where I knew that I would kill something if I didn't make this flight.

Sure, I was disappointed about missing Axel's concert that night because of my brother's wedding. But, I'd stifled those feelings and pushed them down for the sake of my brother and _his _day. I wasn't going to let it bother me because I couldn't do anything about it. But here I was in the backseat of a cab, hands gripping restlessly at worn leather seats as I thought about how quickly the night had turned around in the span of five minutes.

Cloud was right. I made it to LaGuardia in the span of twenty minutes, thanks to traffic. After checking in I nearly ran my way through security and got to my gate with nearly a half an hour to spare. …So much for not making it for my flight. I took a seat near the attendant's desk by the gate and bent over in the seat with my head in my hands as I tried to catch my breath.

"Well. Aren't you _Ardenwells _popping up everywhere today?"

I looked up, ready to curse out whoever the fuck it was when I saw clown hair almost as red as Axel's and an obnoxious grin that nearly rivaled his. "…_Reno_? What are _you _doing here?"

"Could ask you the same thing." Reno said as he sat down in the seat next to me, "Heard there's a wedding going on today, huh? Your brother was it? The news wouldn't stop going _on _about it. My congratulations, of course. May he find everlasting joy in such a repugnant, institution of _hell_."

"That doesn't answer the question."

"You first, short man." Reno said, kicking his legs up and crossing them, "Why aren't you at the wedding? Did you run away? I know I sure as hell would have."

I sighed, "It's a long story."

"I've got time." Reno replied. He glanced down at me, "You're going to see my little bro, ain't ya?"

"It's my brother's wedding day… and I'm his best man. Who _else _would be important enough to pull me away from my family at a time like this?"

"Wow, _important, _huh? Axel never told me you felt _that _way about him." Reno teased, "So what happened? You told your family you had enough and you were skipping town on them? I know you lot aren't the most … what's the word … _functional _bunch, are you?"

"If you must know, my brother was the one who sent me on my way."

"Huh?"

"He told me I'd done enough for everyone today and that it was my turn to be happy." I murmured. Though I surmised that there was more behind Cloud's words than he meant. When he said I'd done enough for today ... I don't think he meant just for the wedding. It'd been for everything that I had put up with since my mother and father told us that they were divorcing and everything fell out of balance with my family again, "Anyway. I never miss a concert if I can help it."

"So you_ are _like a loyal little puppy. Called it, yo."

"…Excuse me?"

"Nothin, nothin." Reno waved a hand at me and leaned back to glance up at the plane gate, "Where ya sitting by the way?"

"First class." I answered.

"Cool, I'll probably be near you so we can talk. Stupid long ass flight." He closed his eyes, "As for _me_, I was checking up on Avo and our mother."

"…Are they talking?"

"Who? My ma and Axel?" Reno asked, as he tipped his sunglasses back over his nose. "Nah, but, I won't harass Axel about it anymore. I'll give it time. Maybe he'll come around. He's always been stubborn but maybe there's room for the two of them to reconcile. Who knows. That's Axel's deal. I can't meddle it anymore than I already have."

"Hm. No, you can't"

"You tried, huh?"

"It's best I don't get involve anymore. Things kind of blew up in my face when they did."

"Yeah, well. Like Avo says. Just smack him upside the head with some kitchen utensils a couple of times and he'll get his shit together. It always worked in the past, probably'll work now." Reno lowered his legs from off the chair and sat up, "Anyway, let's get going. I think I just heard the call for us to start boarding."

I watched Reno get up, effectively ending our conversation right there. I glanced down at the boarding pass I'd removed from my pocket and looked up at Reno again who was on his way over to the attendant by the gate. What had Axel told me on my birthday three months ago? _Think of it in terms of changing tides in the ocean. Its high tide right now. You're being swarmed with too much. The surface is being covered with a ton of shit that you're finding difficult to handle right now. _Well, he was right about that back then.

"Roxas. Get your butt over here."

But you know what? After tonight, I think I was starting to see the shore again.


	25. Feel It All Around

**25; feel it all around**

"Yo. Short man. Time to get up, we're here."

The first thing I registered when I opened my eyes was obnoxious red clown hair. My first thought was _Axel_? But, the voice was too grating. Too loud. Too… _red_. I covered my mouth with the back of my hand as I yawned and then looked up to realize that it wasn't Axel, but Reno standing in front of me.

"Unless you wanna stay here and intend on heading back to New York, I suggest you get up."

I blinked a few more times before glancing around the plane cabin. Everyone was busy removing their luggage from the overhead bins and Reno was standing in front of me, briefcase in hand and a disinterested look on his face. He walked away as I finally got myself together, rose out of my seat and made for the aisle so I could exit the plane. I waited outside the terminal for Reno to catch up and began walking with him when he finally walked past me.

"Do you have any idea where you're going?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in a manner that reminded me so much of Axel it was scary.

"No." I said, "Does it _look _like I know where I'm going?"

"He's at the Nokia Theatre." Reno said, rolling his eyes. "Seriously, you flew all this way and you don't even know where my brother is playing?"

The first place I ever saw him play, huh? "Look. I was more focused on making this flight and figured I'd find out where Axel was playing later. And either way, standing around here talking with you isn't getting me to the venue any faster."

Reno chuckled and motioned for me to walk with him, "Come on, I got ya."

"Thanks." I muttered and followed him out of the terminal and down the long winding hallways that led to the arrivals area of the airport.

"Of all the people to see. ...You know, I still can't believe you were on my flight." Reno sighed once we stepped onto one of those conveyor belt walkways and readjusted his briefcase strap so it fit over his shoulder like a messenger bag. "I have half a mind to drop in with you to see Axel. I take it he doesn't even know you're here?"

"No. There's something called a _surprise_."

Reno chuckled again, "…You know, Roxas. I used to wonder about you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I used to ask myself … out of _every _possible person on this planet that my brother could have, why in the hell did he pick someone like you?" Reno replied, "The guy literally has girls throwing themselves at him at concerts. And there were always groupies waiting backstage to fuck his brains out. It made no sense that he'd settle for some mopey little rich kid with a fucked up family. Your relationship with my little bro never made sense to me until recently."

"What do you mean?"

"I started thinking about it when I was talking to Avo the other day." He replied, "She started talking about Axel. He called her a couple of days ago to check up on her seeing as he hasn't been in New York for _well _over four months? I should know. He's been sleeping on my couch."

Was he _really_? I gave Reno a questioning look and he rolled his eyes. "Seriously?"

"You take me too seriously; he's been staying in my guest room, Roxas. Jeez. I may be his older brother but do you really think I'd make my lovesick little bro sleep on my couch for four months? That's pretty low. Even for me."

"You never know. You Ramirez's are _full _of surprises."

"Could say the same for you Ardenwells." He countered as we stepped off of the walkway, "Anyway. I've been watching Axel for the past four months. When he came to me in February he was like some deranged, hormonal girl that had just broken up with her boyfriend. I kept asking him what was wrong with him, but he'd just snap at me and bury his face in carton after _carton _of rum raisin ice cream."

"Sounds like him."

"If you say so." Reno shrugged, "Anyway, one month became two and he kinda perked up. Zexion and Demyx came out and picked him up off his feet, smacked him—literally—and then thrust a guitar into his hands and pulled him into the studio. He seemed to get better. And then he left for Vegas…"

"Yeah? And?"

"And he comes back and it's like he's instantly fixed. He's calling me an idiot; I'm calling _him _an idiot. He's literally destroyed my guest room with guitars and music equipment—" Well, this sounded familiar. "—And it looks like someone hasn't cleaned up in fucking days. My cleaning lady literally won't even _go into _the room because she's afraid something might jump out at her."

Sounded worse than he was at home. "Get to the point, Reno."

"I asked him why he was in such a good mood…" Reno said, as we neared the exit for arriving flights, "…And you know what he tells me?"

"What?"

"He says he saw _you._" Reno replied, "Of all the things in the world to lift his mood, it's _you_. And I'm thinking to myself. Axel's been with you since he was what? Twenty four? Twenty three? You've been the longest relationship of his—to my knowledge that is—to date, and I've always wondered … _why? _My little brother is a hot headed, manipulative and selfish bastard. He's cocky, arrogant and hides things from people all the time…"

"…But he's also genuine and loyal to those that he cares about the most." I replied, "Sure, Axel is a hotheaded moron most of the time… but we view the world through similar eyes. And that's why we click. It wasn't like that in the beginning, but… it is that way now."

"Huh." Reno said, as he stroked under his chin, "_Huh_."

"Is that all you can say?"

"Genuine and loyal." Reno repeated, "But a hotheaded moron…"

"You and I both know that's a mask. He's smarter than he lets on." I replied, stepping closer to the street curb as I was on the lookout for cabs, "But it's easier for him to pretend that he's not. So no one knows what he's really thinking… and that proved to be his downfall this winter."

"Seems like you've got my brother all figured out, huh?"

"You brought us up."

"Yeah, I did." Reno replied, waiting with me on the curb. He stuck his arm out as two lights flashed around the bend and checked his watch, "You'll catch him before he's done with the encore."

"Hm."

As the taxi was on its way to pulling up, Reno lowered his arm and sighed. "As you're about to leave. I guess we'll keep this short." He turned to me, "What I mean to say is. I approve of you, Roxas."

"Really now?"

"Yeah. Sure, you won't be begetting his babies anytime soon and Avo yells at the two of us for _MORE BABIES _all the time, but it doesn't really matter. I think you've succeeded where everyone else failed with Axel. You know what he told me?" Reno asked.

"What?"

"I found him one night sitting on my counter top at 2AM with nothing but his boxers on." Reno said, rolling his eyes at the memory. "He was eating fucking ice cream again, but that's not important. He had his laptop on and he was staring at the background because it was this picture of you. Glaring, might I add. You don't smile much, do you?"

"Get to the point, Reno."

"Anyway, I turned the lights on and he instantly shut the laptop and glared at me. Cept he looked like someone had just killed his do—" I narrowed my eyes at him as he was getting off topic again, "A_nyway, _I brought you up and he told me to shut up like he always did. But then there's this brief lapse of silence and then he finally breaks down and starts _crying_, Roxas. Like legitimately, sobbing his stupid head off…" Reno shook his head, "I don't even_ remember _the last time I've seen Axel cry… but it fucking freaked me out. I didn't know what to say. He just kept going on and on about running away from you when he should have stayed and that he was stupid and you were never going to take him back." Reno gestured toward me, "When he was engaged to Larxene? He threw a fucking _party _to when they broke off their engagement. But, you … yo, you come along and you reduce my little brother to _tears_, Roxas, because he was so afraid of losing you. …Do you know what that is? To see Axel _cry_? He'd sooner have someone pluck his teeth from his mouth with a pair of pliers than let them see him cry."

The cab pulled up beside us and I heard the locks to the door pop. "…Reno, why are you telling me all of this?"

"To let you know that my stupid brother needs you just as much as you need him." Reno replied, turning away from me and motioned for the cabbie to roll down his window, "Take him to the Nokia Theatre." He gestured with me for me to get in, "Well, times a wasting. What are you doing?"

"You're not coming with me?" I asked.

Reno shook his head, "Nah. I thought about it. I'm guessing you haven't seen him since Vegas and I don't want to intrude on your _touchy feely _couples time." He gestured with his hand again, "Now get in."

"…Reno…"

"Kid, I said get in. Okay? Go to my brother and kiss him silly already." Reno said, "I'll be around. Maybe we can catch lunch sometime after you're done fucking each other's brains out. Remember to use a rubber."

Jesus fucking _Christ, _he was almost as bad as Axel. I sighed and grasped the side of the cab's door as I slid in. I rolled the window down as he closed the door behind me. "…Thanks, Reno."

"Yeah, yeah." He rubbed under his nose, "Rather make nice with you sooner than later. You're all right, Roxas."

"…Yeah. Guess you are, too, Reno."

He grinned, "Yeah, I know. Now shut up and roll that window up. You've got a show to go catch."

-x-

I guess no one really cares to question where I go given my relation to Axel, because I honestly wasn't expecting to get backstage quite so easily. But there I was, sitting amongst the various security and staff member's running back and forth as I waited for the sounds of blaring rock and screaming fans to die down so I could fucking hear again. The earplugs they gave me were shit.

I should have waited in Axel's dressing room, but I wanted to be there exactly when he stepped off the stage, sweaty and borderline disgusting from playing a three hour show. I was probably going to ruin this stupid, stuffy tux, but I didn't care.

I hung my suit jacket around the back of the seat I was sitting in and was in the process of loosening my tie when I heard a familiar girly shriek at my side and turned my head in that direction. There was Xion, water bottle in hand, wearing a midriff baring shirt and cutoff shorts, with the biggest smile on her face.

"_Roxas_. _ROXAS?_" She began, immediately walking over to me and stopped short before she toppled over my chair, "You're _here_. Oh my God, I can't believe this. How?"

"Xion, breathe." I said, as I pulled the tie from around my head. I began rolling up my shirt sleeves next, "I just got here."

"How?" She repeated, "I thought … I thought today was Cloud's wedding." Xion paused, "…Roxas, you didn't skip out, did you?"

"No, Xion." I said, resisting the urge to laugh. I stretched my arms over my head, "It's kind of a long story. But, Cloud bought me tickets to come out here."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, I know." I said, "I was about to call Axel earlier today and Cloud cornered me and we talked for a little while. Then he pulls out this envelope and tells me to go because I have a flight to catch. …He said I'd done enough for the day."

"What? Was it like a gift for being his best man or something?" Xion asked.

"I guess you can call it that." I said, "But it doesn't matter. I'm here now."

"I _know_." Xion said, "Axel is going to flip _shit_. You know he was pouting earlier about not hearing from you before he went on? Well, now we know why."

"_Shit_, I completely forgot." I sighed, "I was so caught up in trying to get on that plane before I missed it that I completely forgot to wish him good luck."

"Yeah, but you're _here_." Xion said, gesturing toward me with her water bottle, "Like, actually _here_."

"Yeah, I am." I glanced over my shoulder, "Did they start the encore yet?"

"Almost done." Xion replied.

I turned back to face her, "How'd your part go?"

"The crowd took a little while to warm up to us but they got into it around the fourth song or so." Xion replied, "And the release party went really well last night. A lot of big shots, a lot of celebrities. Kind of a party scene that's not really my thing, but it was nice."

"Yeah, I tend to avoid those things." I muttered, recalling memories of the first time and _last _time I ever went to any of Axel's release parties, "The wedding was really nice this afternoon."

"Yeah, I heard." Xion said, "It looked gorgeous… I'm sure we'll see pictures of you in tomorrows tabloids frowning for the camera."

"_Hey_." I said, "I smiled."

"…Roxas, you don't smile. You … just make it so you look slightly less pissed off." She poked at my forehead, "If you don't watch it, you're going to have frown lines in your forehead before you're twenty five, you know."

"Cut it out, Xion."

She laughed as I swatted her hand away and sat down in the chair next to mine. The music around us seemed to have died down and I saw the staff crowding around the backstage entrance leading to the stage. I rose from my seat in anticipation and willed my heart to stop hammering so wildly in my chest.

"They're coming." Xion said.

"I know."

-x-

This was _Axel_.

Axel Ramirez who took a chance on some stupid kid from the Upper East Side and turned his life around with nothing more than a helping hand and an open heart. Axel Ramirez, born in Portugal and raised in the Bronx by an overbearing grandmother and dearly departed grandfather whose influence I will never truly grasp or understand. Axel Ramirez who cooks the best damn mangu I've had in my life, makes wise cracks about my height all the time, infects everything with his signature brand of _mess _and … has given me some of the best damn orgasms in my twenty three years of _life_.

Axel Ramirez who I immediately grabbed by the front of his high collared black shirt and pulled in for a kiss before he could even be surprised upon seeing me. It didn't matter that everyone was probably staring at us. The midget blonde and the freakishly tall red head—what a pair.

This was Axel. Axel. The one person in my life that I could have risked losing… but couldn't. I honestly couldn't. I don't care. I don't care how stupid it sounds. I couldn't… I just fucking couldn't. There are certain things I don't like saying and talking about _love _is one of them. The way it rolls off my tongue just makes me feel queasy and weak. Like there's a force invading my body that I can't get rid of no matter how hard I try. But … but I loved him. I _love _him. I can say that. And of course there's fear laced in with all those feelings. Why wouldn't there be? I'm human. Underneath everything that I try to be, I'm _human._

Things still hurt. Things still go wrong. Things still get fucked up even when I try to convince myself that they aren't. I'm not as messed up in the head anymore, but underneath it all I am _flooded _with insecurity. Even when I try to tell myself to calm down… that it's all right. There's no reason to fear the dark anymore. There's no reason to hold myself as tightly together as I used to, I still do.

I still dream about darkened rooms in a long and winding mansion. I still dream about the shadows that curl around the edge of my bed at night, licking at my bleeding wounds and digging themselves between scabs that are trying to crust over and fucking _heal_. At my core, I am still the idealistic child that never was. The child that should have been, but was cut down so early in life that they grew cold to the slightest touch of warmth.

But with Axel… Axel breathes fire everywhere he goes. Even at his worst, he's like this pillar of _warmth _and fire. He is something that burns away the shadows that suffocate me and hiss in my ear in the dead of night. The sound of his voice in my other ear and the soft curl of his fingers around my own? That's … that's what I need. That's all I've ever needed, that's all I've ever wanted. And now that I've found it, why in the _hell _would I ever let it go?

"Rox—"

"Just shut up." I said, when he finally pulled away from me.

His eyes were bewildered, like he didn't know what he was looking at. Like he couldn't believe that I was actually standing there right in front of him. I threw my arms around his all too thin frame and buried my face in his damp t-shirt as I tried to suffocate him

"_Rox—" _He tried again, placing his spindly hands on my head and trying to push me back so he could look at me again.

"I said _shut up_." I repeated again. "Don't ruin the moment."

"But, you're _here_." He said, "How?"

I looked up at him but I didn't let him go, "Cloud."

"…How?" He asked, "Did he drive you or—"

"God, you're _such _an idiot." I nearly yelled as I buried my face back into the fabric of his shirt, "I took a fucking plane out here, Axel. How else could I get to California so quickly?"

"I dunno." He said, shrugging his shoulders and placed his hands over my own, "Maybe you were lying about where the wedding was held, you know? Thought you'd _pretend _like you couldn't make the concert but end up surprising me after all this time."

"…Only you would be so self absorbed to think of something so stupid." I sighed.

He grinned. Oh, that grin. God, I missed that grin. "You know you love me for it." And I did. I really, really did. Axel glanced behind him at where Demyx and Zexion were watching the two of us. Demyx was actually grinning, but Zexion was more composed, "What are you two idiots gawking at?"

"…I think someone _missed_ you." Zexion said, glancing down at me and then back at Axel.

"Yeah." Demyx's grin intensified, "Like … _a lot_. You time that kiss, Zex? I thought Roxas was going to suck all the air out of Axel's lungs with the way the two of them were—"

"…Demyx." Zexion said, instantly clamping a hand down over the blond's mouth. "Please. Don't ruin the moment." He turned to Axel, "We'll be in the back. Xion?"

"I'm coming." Xion replied. She grinned at me and then Axel and then followed Demyx and Zexion down the hall and disappeared out of sight.

When we were mostly alone, I turned to look at Axel and let him go. "…Maybe we should talk somewhere more private?"

"Yeah … yeah, that sounds good." He said and reached for my hand.

After picking up my discarded jacket, we walked down a long hallway leading out of the backstage area and toward a more cramped space. He opened the door at the end of the hallway and I realized it was probably his dressing room. He took off his high collared shirt and threw it into the chair in front of the vanity mirror and then pulled his second t-shirt off so that he was standing before me in his usual black wife beater and jeans. He walked over to the door and began fiddling around with the unit on the wall.

"…Well… where do we begin?" He asked, running a hand through his sweat slicked hair, "Sorry if it's hot in here. They cut the AC when no one's around. It should start picking—"

As soon as he turned around I was all over him again. Hands in his hair, hands on his ass. Anywhere I could grab, I was on it. I don't know what came over me, but somewhere in the time I'd talked to Reno and seen Axel I was overcome by some demonic force that was screaming at me: _fuck his brains out before he has time to speak_.

Axel's back slammed against the door and he groaned when his head hit it as well, "_Fuck_, Roxas." He muttered when I had to stand on the tips of my toes to reach his neck with my mouth.

"Yeah." I panted, "_Yeah_, that's what I want to do."

"Are you _serious_?" He asked, looking down at me. It wasn't even like he was going to say no.

I reached down to grab between his legs and was hardly surprised when I already felt the telltale signs of an erection already forming there, "I think you are."

Something shifted in his eyes and he immediately reversed our position and hoisted me up off the floor. I slung my arms around his neck as he walked us to the opposite side of the room and ceremoniously dropped me on the couch.

"…I just hope you're ready to make up for _four_ months, Roxas."

-x-

"…I really… really didn't mean for that to happen." I murmured, feeling oddly shy and demure as I realized our states of undress as we lay side by side on the couch. Axel peered at me with a look of disbelief and I felt a blush rising on my cheeks. I wanted to crawl somewhere and curl up and die. "Seriously. I really didn't."

"…The scratches on my back say otherwise." Axel said, "What did it, Rox? Do you get off on sweaty guitar guy smell?"

"Rancid men are hardly an aphrodisiac in my book." I wrinkled my nose at the thought.

"What about me?"

"Don't flatter yourself." I sighed, "…God, the others are probably wondering what the hell happened to us. We've been gone for awhile, you know."

"They'll put two and two together when they see the state of your hair." Axel chuckled, "Come on, let's get dressed."

I sighed as he held out my slacks and boxers. I took them from him and pulled them on as quickly as possible as he set to work on his own pants. I buttoned my now wrinkled dress shirt and pulled my vest back on as well. Axel slid his wife beater and T-shirt back on as I was straightening my vest.

"That's one thing off my bucket list."

"_What_?" I asked.

"Fucking backstage. We never did it Roxas, no matter how many times I've wanted to ask you for it. But tonight you made me a very, _very _happy man."

"You're fucking impossible."

"Maybe." Axel shrugged, "But then again, so are you."

I sighed when he grinned at me, "…Yeah, yeah. So…"

"So…" Axel repeated, raising his eyebrows as if silently telling me to continue.

I hesitated for a minute and then reached inside my pocket for something I'd taken off and stuffed in my pants before I entered the venue. I gently fingered the ring on the end of the chain before pulling it out and held it in front of Axel. His eyes traveled the length of the chain and landed on the small ring dangling at the end.

"This." I said.

"Oh." He said, seemingly not expecting me to address the matter of the promise ring quite so soon.

I unclasped the necklace and motioned for lean down so I could put it around his neck. He moved his hair away as I reached around his neck, "I think it's time you have this back."

"You think?"

I nodded, "Don't make me regret ever giving this back to you, okay? We've said enough on the matter already and I don't want to talk about it anymore. But just know if you ever do anything as stupid as you did, you can expect _Cloud _to deal with you this time around. Not me."

"Threat received and filed" He said, giving me the thumbs up. "Is there anything else?"

"No." I said, shaking my head. "…No, can I just ask you one thing?"

"Sure, Rox."

"…Can we just go back to how we used to be?" I said, "With you, me and the stupid fat dog we've adopted. In our stupid loft overcrowded with all of your guitars and my books. Can we go back to you staying up late composing melodies you'll never use, while I slave over coursework in the background? Can we go back to never having anything of sustenance in our refrigerator so my mother or your grandmother can come over and nag us into eating right?" I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, "Can we … can we just go back to being together? With nothing standing in our way? Nothing that will mess things up like they were before?"

Axel exhaled long and low and placed two firm hands on my shoulders. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear you say those words."

"Well… it's taken me awhile to believe that you were deserving of hearing them." I said, "So? Can we? Can we try this again?"

Axel leaned down to press a chaste kiss against my lips, "You're an idiot if you think I would say no."

"No, _you're _the idiot." I muttered half heartedly.

Axel lowered his gaze and his voice, "Nice tux by the way. It was all I imagined and more. Glad I got to fuck you in it."

I immediately slapped him away, but there was hardly any strength in my hit. "You are _so _unbelievable. Just like your god damn brother."

"Hm?" Axel asked, cocking a head to the side in question.

"…Oh, did I forget to mention I saw Reno on my way here?" I asked.

"Sure did." Axel said, placing his hands on his hips. "I forgot his flight was tonight. Dammit, why the hell didn't the idiot come with you?"

I lowered my gaze to the floor at the thought of what Reno had said previously, "…"

Axel saw my reaction and rolled his eyes, "Let me guess, he said something perverted to you. God damn idiot. Don't worry, I'll curse him out when I get the chance."

"Well, he was right about it." I replied, "I won't say much, but we had a long discussion about you and I."

"Oh? About what?"

"Things." I said, "Just know that he told me that he _approved _of me."

"Guess we won't have to elope now after all, huh, Rox?"

"I'm not getting married to you."

"Really?" Axel asked, "I thought you were in this for the long haul. Come on, Rox. I know you'd put the term _June bride _to shame."

"All right, enough." I rolled my eyes at him and gathered my jacket up. I checked the time. It was nearing one in the god damn morning. "Come on, we should really get going. Look at the time."

Axel nearly jumped when he saw what time it was on the clock, "Oh, fuck. We should have been out of here ages ago."

He gathered his shirt and slipped his feet into his shoes as I did the same. He slung an arm around me, opened the door and pushed me through. On the other side were the usual suspects. Xion had fallen asleep against Demyx's shoulder, and he was nodding off against her as well. Zexion was standing directly opposite the door, arms crossed over his chest and an expression on his face that clearly meant Axel's murder was in the works.

"What have you been _doing_?" The question was directed at Axel, not me.

"Me and Rox were getting reacquainted." Axel replied.

"They were fucking." Demyx muttered sleepily.

"Thanks, Dem." Axel snapped.

"We've been waiting for nearly two hours." Zexion replied.

"Hey, hey. Stop with the frowning, Zex. It's cool." He reached down to grab my hand, "Right, Rox?"

I looked at Zexion whose head swayed gently to the side as he eyed Axel's hand reaching for mind. Was that a smile I saw coming to his face? I sighed, resisting the urge to pull my hand away and looked up at him. "No, it's _not _cool."

"You turning on me too, huh?" Axel asked.

"I'm not turning anything. Let's _go_." I replied.

"Yeah, yeah." Axel looked over at Demyx and Xion, "Let's go sleepyheads."

Demyx roused first and then Xion sleepily picked herself up from his shoulder. She yawned and then looked over to where Axel and I were standing. Her eyes trailed sleepily from his face, down to mine and then down to where our hands were connected together. She looked back up at me and smiled as if she understood something I didn't and then hopped down off the stack of equipment she and Demyx were sitting on. Demyx followed suit, rubbing his stomach as he stretched one arm over his head.

"Yo, can we get something to eat? I'm starvin'." Demyx asked.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. Let's just get out of here first before they lock us in."

"All _right_." Demyx murmured sleepily. He took a hold of Zexion's arm and shook him gently, "Lead the way, man. You should have been walking with all that time you spent bitching."

Zexion didn't even bother to answer Demyx and let the blond ramble on. As they disappeared ahead of us, Xion came up beside me and Axel and linked her arm with the one that wasn't occupied with Axel's hand. Axel raised his eyebrows in curiosity and she grinned back at him, "You don't mind. Do you Axel?"

"Not in the least." He replied, "There's more than enough of Roxas to go around, you know."

"Hello. Still here." I glanced at where she had me locked in on my left and then at Axel's hand on my right, "What is this?"

Xion shrugged her shoulders, "Just feels right."

"Yeah, it does." Axel said, "Now let's get going before they yell at _me _again."

-x-

We went to the beach at sunrise.

In a memory from long ago, I remember Axel talking about going to the beach.

_On our next day off, let's all go to the beach, huh? Let's go someplace different for a change. _

But, we never got to go. Something always came up. Someone was too busy, someone wasn't feeling well. The suggestion faded away after awhile and we came up with other stuff to occupy our time. But the thought still lingered and was always there in the background. And after tonight? Maybe the timing just felt right.

Xion always talked of the beach when we were younger.

Whenever I asked her if there was one thing she wished for, she always used to tell me that she wished she'd grown up on the beach. She wanted to be surrounded by the endless azure waves and the dusty white sand. The rushing sound of water against the surface was like an earthly lullaby that she couldn't get enough of. There was so much noise back home that she said she always slept so fitfully. There was nothing peaceful about the city. It was loud, polluted and dark. Maybe that was why she finally found her way to California after all these years.

So there we were.

Demyx and Zexion had retired to their hotel for the night, but Axel and Xion were livewires who weren't exactly keen on going to sleep just yet. I was stuck somewhere inbetween. Somewhat exhausted, but at the same time, I didn't want to sleep just yet. So we drove down to Xion's place in Santa Monica. Figures, after all these years, she would find her home on the beach.

A tuxedo isn't the most proper attire for the beach but it wasn't like I had anything else to wear at that point. We left our shoes somewhere in the sand before we hit the shoreline and I rolled my pants legs up before I came into contact with the water.

"This is nice, ain't it?" Axel asked with his hands on his hips. His green eyes were eerily bright in the early morning sun.

"Yeah." I said, watching the foamy white water wash over my ankles and bury my feet into the shore.

Xion stuck her foot out into the last bit of wave rolling against the shore, "You know when I first moved here, I used to always come down here at this time." She said, "The sun rises into my bedroom and I didn't have any curtains up just yet, so I got a face full of sunlight on my first morning here." Xion turned to look over her shoulder, "The balcony connects my room and the living room… so I came out here to watch the sunrise."

"Sounds nice." I said.

Xion shook her head, "I don't think it was as brilliant as this one."

"What makes you say that?" Axel asked, shifting so he could sit down in the sand.

"Maybe it's better when you watch the sunrise with people." Xion replied. "…But something still feels like it's missing right now."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Ice cream." Axel replied, "Of the sea-salt variety."

"You too, Axel?" Xion asked excitedly.

"Yeah." Axel turned to me, "Roxas turned me onto the flavor actually. Never heard of it until I met him."

"Where are we going to get sea-salt ice cream at this time of day?" I asked.

Xion shrugged, "There's a shop two blocks away from my place that sells obscure ice cream flavors. We can go there." She replied as she turned back to the sun, "Roxas? Axel?"

"Hm?" I asked, looking at Xion. Axel turned to face her as well, "What's wrong?"

She shook her head, "Nothing. It's just … I don't want this feeling to end." Xion replied, "It's been so long since I've felt this at peace and I. …I just want to thank you two for giving me a moment like this. Axel, thank you for being as welcoming as you've been over these past few months … and Roxas … thanks for giving me a chance again after all these years."

"No problem." Axel said, grinning.

"Yeah, Xion. Don't worry about it." I said, "You know… it's kind of funny that we're doing this right now."

"What do you mean?" Xion asked.

"This one over here would always talk about going to the beach and we never had a chance to do something like this. So, it's kind of like killing two birds with one stone I guess." I paused, "And well, for you and me, too. Don't you remember all those conversations we'd have in your apartment on late summer nights? You always talked about going to the beach … and I don't mean the ones back home. A beach like this… a _real _beach."

"You don't consider beaches back in New York to be real beaches, Roxas?" Axel asked, chuckling.

I shook my head. "Not like this. You know, like a stereotypical post card beach. Sunny skies, blue water, white sand."

"Eh, guess you're right." Axel said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah…" Xion murmured.

We lapsed into silence and watched the waves shift, flowing in and out at a rhythmic pace. Eventually Xion and I sat down as well, letting the water lap at our toes and submerge our ankles into pockets in the sand. And we talked—about everything and nothing and whatever lied in between.

Sitting here with Xion and Axel … it was nice. It was as if time stood still for us but I knew it was moving. We were rotating around the sun on a never ending gravitational pull. And as the sun slowly rose above the horizon, I felt at an impasse of sorts. But, it wasn't bad. It wasn't something that I had to fight just yet. I realized that the past and the future will always collide and try to meet somewhere in your present. Past mistakes will come back to settle uncomfortably on your shoulders and possible opportunities will slip through your grasping fingers. Sometimes you'll feel tied down or tied up. Whichever one you prefer, it doesn't matter.

I'd moved past the point where I was angry with the shit life was throwing at me. I wasn't seventeen anymore. There was no reason for me to cling so hopelessly to death when all I wanted to do was live again. I was twenty three. Still young by comparison, but old enough to know that there was something waiting for me in the future. Something better than what I knew now.

Sometimes you look at the present and wonder how in the hell you got there. At each point of your life you felt like … _this _is as good as it's going to get and this is the best that you've ever had. The present is an odd place. I mean, have you ever just sat and stared at a clock and watch the minutes pass? The border between past, present and future is so vague. You're constantly existing in a period where time is always moving. People try so hard to compartmentalize everything when they should just leave things as they are. Stop trying to define things. Stop trying to label everything. Stop driving yourself mad with trying to classify everything into a neat little niche. That's why outliers exist.

For me, I've stopped seeing the world in shades of white and black. As you get older, you understand that everything is really just a heavy mist of grey. As a child you're taught right and wrong, but sometimes... there really isn't a right or _wrong _answer for every question you're asked in a lifetime. Some things are solved on a case by case basis and I've grown comfortable with that. I've grown comfortable living in this area of grey.

I glanced at Xion and then at Axel. Both of them were lost in their own thoughts as they stared toward the brightening sky. I took a deep breath and inhaled the salt tinged air of the sea. A new day was upon us and for once, all the shit of the past felt like it had been brushed free from my shoulders. I felt reborn for some reason. My family was okay despite everything that had happened. My sister was going to be all right, I'd be there for her if she tried to fall apart again. My mother was happier now living as she wanted to, rather than under the oppressive wings of my father. My brother had just started his own little family ... and my twin was doing all right for himself, too. And Axel and I? We were going to be okay. No matter how many fights we had or how many little joyous moments were sprinkled through our years together. Things would be _okay_.

With resolve, I eventually rose from the sand and dusted off my pants. Xion picked her head up first and then Axel turned to me, both of them with inquisitive looks on their faces. I reached out my hand for Xion first and pulled her to her feet and then turned around to Axel to help him up as well. With each of their hands in my own, I felt my heart slowly warming and suddenly ...I had the urge to smile.

_Well, you two. What do you say we go get that ice cream now?_

_**fin**_

-x-

Well, it took three years. But I finally finished.

Thanks for being somewhat patient with me over the last few years, because there were so many times where I came close to scrapping this story all together. You know, just deleting it and pretending it never happened.

Sometimes I thought it would have been better if I left Inertia Creeps as is. Just a standalone piece of writing that ended when Roxas finally found his "happy ending" with Axel so to speak. Maybe I should have left his future up to your imagination. After all, there was no real reason for me to continue the story, right? Hm, maybe.

Honestly, Three Changes was probably the result of me finally coming back to Kingdom Hearts after a near three year break from the series. A couple of years back I had the chance to catch up with the series again (aka, I received a DS Lite for Christmas) and finally bought 358/2 Days. And well, from that sprung this. I mean, I'd always toyed with the idea of coming back to this setting with these characters in the back of my mind, but never really found the drive for it. (Although, I have written a one shot or two based on Inertia Creeps. _Conticent _and _Buried _if you're curious). But after playing Days, I felt like I had to.

As for the whole premise of Three Changes, there's no real message I set out to convey while writing the story. Maybe that's why it might feel dead or flat at times. It's less of a story and more like a really long and empty monologue that really serves no point other than what started out as a selfish need to toy with something that probably should have been left alone.

Going back a bit, I wrote Inertia Creeps at the height of a horrible depression in my senior year of high school. That story was a semi-therapeutic way for me to use writing as a way to get through the shit I was dealing with on a daily basis. But a lot has changed in my life since then. I'm no longer running around the city like some lost child seeking validation from some unknown source. I'm now sitting here with a BA in Psychology and I'm looking to take the next step to grad school in about another year. A lot of stuff has changed, too. But shit happens. That's life, kids.

So, about Three Changes? Let's see. Maybe in some way it's supposed to be about the aftermath of what happens after you've completely hit rock bottom mentally and you're trying to climb your way back up again. You've already gone through therapy, you've cultivated a support system, you're taking your meds (if prescribed) and you're trying to change your way of thinking. But what else? Life is rough, life is harsh. It will take you by your frail little wrists, snap them in two and leave you standing there screaming in your pain. It doesn't really care if your mother died on the Tuesday after you lost your job on Sunday.

I suppose the easy thing to do would be to kill yourself, rather than dealing with the pain. Well, maybe your pain, that is. But the people you left behind would probably be left wallowing in despair over your actions (or so we like to think, right?). We never really know how someone'll react to our death until after we're gone. Sure, you can be pessimistic and say you're bound to die either way. That's true. And you're bound to go through life hurting someone. That's true too. Pain in inescapable no matter how much we don't like to acknowledge that fact.

And what's more, the time you spend on Earth isn't long. Your existence isn't worth much if you measure it against how old this Earth really is. But, for some unknown reason we keep on going anyway. There's something that keeps humans holding onto their pitiful existence even when nothing seems to be going right and the whole damn world comes crashing down upon them.

Haha, so after all this somewhat self deprecating talk about how weak humans are, you're probably asking what my point is exactly? I don't know. Ultimately, we stick around for some reason. No matter how stupid or convoluted it might be to others, there's something keeping you here when you think about ending it all. You do what makes you happy, right? As cliché as it might sound, it's probably the truth. Sometimes that seems more than enough to get people through the day right? Sure, you're always pining for more, wishing for something to be different. …But, things have a funny way of working out in the end. Maybe by fate, maybe by your own hard work, who knows. I just know that it happens.

In Three Changes, things go to shit for Roxas in every way imaginable. Axel isn't the solid rock that he used to be and things with Roxas' family have gone completely to shit. Not only that he's trying to keep himself afloat and his mental health in check despite whatever life seems to throw his way. He has his share of breakdowns—(not as bad as Inertia Creeps)—but he doesn't seem be as insecure as he used to be. Or maybe he is and he's trying not to be. Realistically, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to want to kill himself again. Depression is a bitch. It comes in and out of our lives when we least expect it, and yes. Even if you're doing well, you can slide back just as easily as you crawled forward. But something seems to be propelling Roxas forward. Maybe its age—(and whatever warped type of bullshit wisdom you seem to gain in your early twenties, which doesn't feel like much I assure you)—or the genuine need to see things set right even though he actively resents his position at times.

Either way, it doesn't really matter. He does what he has to do and things turn out all right for the most part. Like Axel said to Roxas while the two of them were sitting at the docks on Axel's birthday, you just keep going for however long you can. Because in the end, that's all you really can do.

Anyway, thank you to everyone that stood by me as I've agonized over this story. From the beginning stages of Inertia, all the way to this point in 2014 as I finish up Three Changes. Can't say it's my best work… (despite how many of you would say otherwise, I will always be my harshest critic in this life) …but I've made my peace with this story and what it means to me with whatever attachment I still have to it.

The story of Roxas Ardenwell and Axel Ramirez ends here and I'm laying these two to rest. In my writing, that is, because I'm sure it'll live on in your hearts (as seems to still be evident in present day despite Inertia being old as fuck). So cheesy, I know, I guess it's true to some degree.

I don't know how much longer I'll write for, or if I'll continue writing Axel and Roxas at that. (Even though I've been back on the Kingdom Hearts wagon as of late). But … it feels nice to see this through to the end even if I wanted to give up on it. Funny, because I felt the same way about Inertia during the course of writing that nearly seven years ago. Either way. Whatever you gained from Three Changes this time around, I hope it benefited you in some way. And if you didn't, that's okay too. I can understand if you didn't.

A lot of you say these stories were like therapy for you. Funny, because I'm going to grad school to become a therapist (after much deliberation, all of which I won't get into now). Just know that I was glad to provide some solace for all of you that are struggling out there and I hope you go on living in the way that makes you happiest.

We've all been there and where we've had something to overcome. And all of us have been pushed to our limits, almost to the point of breaking. Some more than others, and that's okay. I don't believe in shaming the dead… I mean those who have taken their lives. They held on for however long they could and they're gone now. But you're still living and you're still here. You still have a chance to make things right even when they feel like they're spiraling so dangerously out of control.

Haha, you know …I've actually become more cynical and pessimistic than optimistic since I graduated high school, but sometimes I think the opposite when I go off on tangents like this. But honestly, this is all I can really ask of you… and this is all I can really tell you.

So, thank you.

I'm out.

-risokura

P.S. There's a playlist for Three Changes over on 8tracks if you wanna check it out. Wish I didn't have to give you the run around, but it's up on my writing/miscellaneous tumblr under the same name as my pen name. (You can find the link to that on my profile).


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